


i bet there's other reasons i warm your heart

by lottielotsof



Category: High School Musical: The Musical: The Series (TV)
Genre: (like the slowest burn trust me), A Hint of Sexual Tension, Angst, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, Established Seb Matthew-Smith/Carlos Rodriguez, F/M, Fluff, Friendship, Humor, Rivals to Lovers, Slow Burn, Some Trauma and Lots of Feels, cw// mentions of sex, cw// teen drinking, cw//weed, high school story kind of vibe, lots of banter, nothing explicit they're just being normal teens, these kids are gay and dumb, this story is just me trying to cram the most cliches in one story and i am Successful
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-02-23 14:23:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 106,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23812936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lottielotsof/pseuds/lottielotsof
Summary: North High and East High have always been mortal enemies, undeniable rivals, forever nemesis. Just like Nina Salazar-Roberts and Ricky Bowen, who hate each other with a burning passion. However, when more than their hatred burns (i.e. East High), the two schools are forced to merge and these two nemesis are now starring in Heathers: the musical alongside each other.-“Cocky much?”“Simply realistic and honest. All amazing qualities I am blessed to possess.”“Clearly humility isn’t one of them.”He sighed dramatically, “Alas, one cannot have everything.”“Yeah. If one could maybe you could manage to not be such a dick.”“And you wouldn’t be so annoying.”Nina shook her head, smirking slightly, “No, I’d probably still be. It’s fun making you mad.”
Relationships: Ricky Bowen/Nini Salazar-Roberts
Comments: 160
Kudos: 506





	1. chapter one

Nina Salazar-Roberts was full of love and affection, of sweets and sugary delicacies. She liked to compliment strangers in the streets and uplift women in bathrooms. She always reached for a friend in need’s hand, speaking comforting words and never mentioning their tears staining her shirts. She liked to remind everybody around her that she loved them. Often. Daily, even. 

Really, if there was one way to describe Nina, it was filled with love. 

And now that this was established, here’s a short list of everything Nina Salazar-Roberts hated: 

\- Bigotry. Ironically, the thing Nina hated the most was hatred. She had seen one time too many her moms looked at and judged and her asian heritage had been one too many times the butt of a joke. She hated the blatant sexism of some men online and the subtle, so deeply ingrained misogynistic tendencies of people she knew in real life (a thing her best friend Kourtney had made her realize over many rants at sleepovers).  


\- Definitely less damaging, but just as serious, coffee. Sweetness wasn’t only found in her personality, but also in her taste buds. Coffee was always too bitter, no matter how much sugar and chocolate she tried adding to it.  


\- People that disliked modern art because “I could’ve done that!” Maybe. But you didn’t.  


\- People that walked slowly in front of her. Nina was speed in human form and she did not want to slow down because somebody had never heard of stress.  


\- Mushrooms. The texture was weird.  


\- North High and all its students. 

Ok, the last one needed a bit more explanation. 

Salt Lake City wasn’t that big of a city, with only 200 000 something habitants, and therefore the number of high schools was few. Most of them, anyway, had less than 800 students and barely mattered in the grand scheme of things. There were two major schools, however, with more than double the number of students and recognition. East High and North High. Years long rival schools. 

Always butting heads at the final of a competition, always winner and first runner-up, always trash talking and playing pranks. It was basically a requirement that if you joined one of these two schools, you had to hate the other with a burning passion. 

And Northerners made it easy. They were cocky and arrogant, condescending and narcissistic. They always thought they were superior, always thought they were the center of the world. Nina had the luck to experience their nature first hand when she was still part of choir, before she had quit that and student council and had joined theater. She remembered the intensity of the competition, how harsh and mean and jerks they had been. East High dished it right back, of course, older students used to this climate, but never as biting and offending as North High. Insults flew from each side of the room and Nina was almost sure that if they weren’t in choir, and therefore weak noodly losers, they would have come to fists. The first year, North High had won, but she had barely felt it with East High winning the football match, the most important competition. The second year, Nina had tasted the sweet taste of victory and rubbed it in any Northerner she could find, especially that asshole, Ricky Bowen. 

Ricky Bowen was the most infuriating person on this Earth, and, truthfully, she had a place just for him on her list of things she hated. 

Her first year, when she was still an awkward freshman with braces, he had mercilessly made fun of her, as if she was his personal punching bag. She had thrown a hairbrush at his head, and he had tried getting her in trouble for it, claiming foul play. She remembered the cocky smile he gave her as the organizator he had snitched on turned away from him. It was one of the only times in her life that Nina understood how somebody could kill a man (she was not a dramatic person, not at all). 

The second year, she had come back guns ablazing. Although still somewhat shy, she had definitely grown and bloomed and flourished. The people she had surrounded herself with for the year had made her happy and thrive and her puberty hit had given her a confidence boost she definitely needed. She was no longer the easy target for another weak freshman, she had come here for the kill. 

“Hey, Bowen,” she had called when they had crossed paths outside of the auditorium, opting for an offensive strategy. She refused to let him bully her into submission like last year, too awkward and slow on the quip to fight back, not after all the character growth she had had in the last year. When hehad turned towards the voice, he had almost seemed surprised to see her. A pleased grin had overtook her lips. “I hope the burn of losing will sting.”

He had not been moved by her words, instead almost amused. Unbothered, he had given her a smile, “Not as much as the hit of your hairbrush last year, I'm sure. I still feel the pain.” Dramatically, Ricky had rubbed his forehead, a pained furrow between his eyebrows.

“I'm sorry for the loss of braincells I caused you.” Her hand had covered her chest, broadcasting a concerned and apologetic expression. Ricky had rolled his eyes. “In my defense, it's not like you had many to begin with.”

He had narrowed his eyes. “I still managed to beat you with all my missing braincells.”

Nina had pouted, as if humoring a small child. "You're right, Richie. That was very impressive.”

“Ricky," he had spit out through clenched teeth. 

“What’s that?” She had titled her head, giving him her ear, as if she hadn't quite understood him.

“Nothing, _Nini_ ,” he had bitten back and she had given him her sweetest smile, unbothered. “Well, my team is waiting for me to completely annihilate you, so I got to go,” he said as a goodbye, starting to walk away.

As she watched him go, Nina had screamed in the middle of the hallway, “Don't get lost on your way there.” He had halted his movement for a second, clearly annoyed, before walking away without saying a word. She had grinned to herself. Kourtney would have been proud. 

When East High had won that night, she had thrown herself in the arms of her teammates and screamed of happiness. And amidst the joy, she had let her gaze turn to Ricky Bowen, fuming and pissed, and had given him an exaggerated pout, her finger tracing a direct line from her eye to the middle of her cheek, imitating the trajectory of a tear. He had given her the finger and she had laughed with all her throat. God, it had felt good.

And no matter how much she had loved the high of winning, there was no doubt that she could not handle the rest of the competition. Even with her new confidence and happiness, she had hated the stress, the fear, the trash talking and the toxic environment surrounding the competition. Nina had quit choir that year, but had stayed in student council, even upgrading from committee to secretary. She had quickly missed singing and had decided to join the school’s musical, finding there her true passion. At the end of junior year, she had found that her bigger responsibilities with secretary and her love for musicals did not mix well, and juggling them had demanded too much out of her. Even her friends had felt like they barely saw her anymore. She had ended up quitting student council as well.

Cutting herself from any club that could maintain a relation with Northerners, she had barely seen them - and Ricky Bowen - anymore, except at games where all the students of both rival schools would invade the bleachers and scream as loud as they could for their team. Fights often occurred, both verbal and physical, but Nina tried to provoke as few of them as possible. She did not need a new nemesis (she considered Ricky Bowen her nemesis from how few people she disliked. Slim pickings). 

Sometimes, Ricky and her would cross paths, and they would bicker and fight and insult each other, just like the good old choir days. He would mention them often. How she left because she couldn’t handle the heat and whatnot. These comments would always annoy her more (which he surely picked up on) because of how true they resounded.

It was a tuesday, the fifteenth of September, at around one and twenty-three minutes in the am, that everything went wrong. 

Nina remembered being hastily awoken by her moms, both of them shaking her in her bed and calling her name, still in their pyjamas, messes of hair, sleep still glued to their eyes. She had groaned, annoyed at the sudden and intense wake up, turning around in her bed, chasing them away with a vague wave of her hand. 

“Nina. Nina! Nina! Wake up.” Carol had said, rushed and stressed. 

“Nina Salazar-Roberts,” Dana had opted for the severe tone, threatening and demanding. Much more efficient.

She sat up, her eyes semi-closed, biting back, “What? God, what?”

Carol gave her an intense look, as if running out of words now. Nina felt a pit grow in her stomach. “Nina, East High is burning," she said quietly, barely a murmur. Her words felt like being punch in the face. She was painfully awake all of a sudden, like an icy bucket of water had been thrown over her, her eyes wide, her lips parted. 

“What?” She murmured softly, barely audible. “Is… I mean… A fire? How…”

Dana caressed her daughter’s hair, her fingers tenderly racking through her locks, trying to soothe her. “We don't know.”

And that was how Nina found herself in front of her high school in her pajamas, feeling so far away, watching the flames eat and devour it. The sounds of sirens and the shocked chatters of the many other residents were ringing in her ears, but she barely acknowledged it. Her moms pulled her into an embrace, a warm hug. And yet, with this and the fire and the hundreds of people, she still felt so cold. 

__________

“God, _North High_.” Nina shook her head, her lips finding her reutilizable straw (in a reutilizable cup because, shockingly, the plastic cup was also an issue!) and taking a sip of her iced lemonade. She had her head resting on her hand, her gaze down but looking at nothing in particular, beat up and dejected. The energy around the table was low and sad, completely different from the typical upbeatness of her friend group. Barely anyone had laughed since they had arrived at their favorite coffee place Demeter. 

“It’s such bullshit.” Her best friend Kourtney added, her tone more fiery and angry than Nina could ever muster. Kourtney was a fighter, always ready to stand up for her beliefs. She was incredibly smart and could emotionally destroy anyone who attempted to debate her. Nina still remembered the Grand Pool Party Fiasco, where her friend had managed to convince her to come to this party even if she had felt nauseous. Needless to say, Nina had thrown up in the pool and Kourtney now used her gift with a bit more thought. “They can’t do this to us. This is tyranny. We have _rights_ as humans.”

“We could protest.” Ashlyn had the faintest amused smile. Ashlyn was down to Earth and almost all-knowing. She gave the best advice and was not afraid to tell someone they were being an idiot. A true multitasker, being apart of more clubs than Nina could ever dream to manage. Ashlyn was definitely the mom friend of the group, nurturing and truthful.

“Good idea,” Seb said, snorting. “We should do a sit-in. Scream into a megaphone. Give away pamphlets. Just inconvenience any Northerner we can see.” Seb was soft and outgoing, a strange mix that made him unique and great. He made friends easily, always knowing everybody (and their secret. Definitely the best gossiper) and always welcomed in any group. He had chosen theirs as permanent resident, however, mostly because of a crush on their other friend (and he had stayed for their charming personalities!). 

“We should burn down North High,” Carlos said without missing a beat, deadly serious. He always had a penchant for the dramatics. He was sassy and his humor was sarcastic, but he was always devoted to his friends. He could also be one of the scariest person Nina knew. If Kourtney could debate and convince anyone of doing anything, Carlos could do it with pursed lips and a countdown. He often did jazz hands. Seb and him were completely and irrevocably in love with each other and this since their eyes met in the library their freshman year ( _"We’re gay!"_ They often defended. _"We start planning weddings after knowing someone for 2 days. We’re having a June wedding, just so you guys know."_ ). It took them six months to finally ask each other out and they had been going strong for the next two years and a half.

“I’ve got matches. I ain’t afraid of fire,” Kourtney answered, before looking down and speaking into her phone's camera. “For legal reasons, that’s a joke.”

Seb let out a grin, his eyes lightening up. “How many physical fights do you think there’ll be on the first day?” He asked excitedly, his tone genuinely interested.

“At least one,” Ashlyn said, “Because I’ll definitely throw hands at my cousin if I see him.”

“Isn’t he like six feet and a football player?” Carlos asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes, and?”

“And you’re in theater and chess club, Ashlyn.”

“Yes, but we grew up together. I know all his weaknesses, all the cheap shots. Plus, the number of embarrassing stories and pictures I have of him? I could end this man’s whole career.”

“Do it,” Kourtney said. "I love to see grown men cry."

Nina raised her eyes to Seb, a thoughtful look on her face. “I’d say three. We’ll probably be watched a lot the first day. The next few days though? Nobody’s safe.”

“How likely do you guys think somebody will punch us?” Seb asked, looking around the table.

“0. No one would want to hurt your pretty face,” Carlos answered, a sugary smile, flicking his boyfriend’s nose. “Nina will probably get beat up by that Ricky Bowen guy, though.” He added, turning back to her.

“Hey!” Nina exclaimed, offended, throwing him a sugar packet. “Don’t speak it into existence!”

Kourtney snorted, “As if anyone would look at Nina and dare punch her. It’s like stealing a lollipop from a child. Easy and cruel.”

Nina narrowed her eyes at her answer. “That is not nicer.”

All of a sudden, Ashlyn's head dropped on the table, hitting it with a loud 'thump' as a groan escaped her throat. “God, merging with North High?” Ashlyn repeated, words muffled by the table, disbelief lacing her voice. “And they said Infinity War was the most ambitious crossover.”

Nina let her head fall over Ashlyn's hunched shoulders. “It’ll be fine. We’ll keep our heads down and wait for the year to pass us by.”

“Yes,” Kourtney nodded, “And we’ll stick really close together. If we form a tight circle, nobody would dare come at us. It’s like basic military strategy.”

“Carlos wears glasses so he should be our forefront person.” Seb added.

Nina nodded, “Plus he’s terrifying.”

“Aw, you’ll make me blush,” Carlos cooed, waving her off like an old diva. “But absolutely not.” He deadpanned. “I won’t risk the moneymaker.”

“You’re not making any money off your face,” Ashlyn said.

“Not yet, honey.”

Nina shook her head, “No, she’s right. You only need your chiseled body for dance. That’s your real money maker.”

“I’ll miss dance,” he said, nostalgic.

“Yeah. I get it. I’ll miss theater. I was so excited to be focused on one thing for the first time. I was gonna try out for the lead.”

“Y’all know you can still be apart of the dance club and the musical, right?” Kourtney said with a pointed look, taking a sip of her coffee.

Nina objected, “No, we can’t. We wouldn’t be welcomed.” 

“And who’s gonna stop you? Northerners? You’ll let Northerners stop you from doing what you love and enjoying what you enjoy?” 

“She’s right,” Ashlyn added, “I have to join a club or I’ll go crazy. I have way too much free time.”

“Only if you and Seb join too." Nina said to Kourtney. "I mean, you _did_ talk about staying together. I remember a mention of sphere.” Nina smirked.

“Circle, actually,” Kourtney corrected her, “And I can’t sing.”

“Bullshit,” Nina laughed. "Come on, we'll need you to intimidate Northerners into leaving us alone."

“Maybe. I’ll see if they need help with the crew.”

Seb grinned, “Well, I’m down. I’ve kinda always wanted to see what it would be like to be on stage.”

“Great,” Nina exclaimed excitedly, a wide smile overtaking her face.

“Alright,” Ashlyn raised her hand for a high five, “Theater kids unite.”

Carlos pursed his lips. "You can just say nerds, you know?"

__________

Things were definitely hectic on the first day of East High students infiltrating North High. The school board was not completely ready or adjusted to welcome such a new load of students, crowding way too many people in the cafeteria, moaning and complaining at the overworked secretaries. Getting your schedule was hard, finding the classes was even harder. Thankfully, as Nina had predicted, almost all teachers wandered the hallways during break, jumping at any feel of tension between two rival students. A few arguments and fights had occurred, but none escalated to blows. It was somewhat surprising. Contrary to what she had promised, Ashlyn had not punched her cousin EJ when they saw each other. She simply narrowed her eyes at him and he completely ignored her. 

North High was different than East High. The energy was less welcoming, with blank white walls and sterilized classrooms. There was no life, no personality. A lot more windows, however, which was nice. And the land around the school was bigger, leaving plenty of places with grass and trees and sun to lay around during lunch. That was cool, Nina supposed, but not enough. In truth, North High sucked, plain and simple.

She had managed to avoid the people she had vaguely met during her choir days, especially Ricky Bowen. She had thought that, maybe, she saw his fluff of hair as she exited a classroom, but she quickly turned around and sped walked away.

When the day was finally over, none of her friends had the energy to hang out, feeeling both overwhelmed and stressed, completely tired out. Nina sat alone under a tree close to the parking lot, scrolling on her phone while waiting for her mom to pick her up, enjoyinh her first minute of quiet. She had never learned how to drive ( _"Everything is at a walking distance and everybody around me knows how to drive! I don’t need it!"_ ) and although Kourtney had proposed to get her home, Nina had declined, prefering to take the wait to be alone and collect her thoughts together. 

“Salazar-Roberts,” a voice called behind her, and she knew an argument-free day was too good to be true. She scrunched her face, annoyed, as she turned around, knowing exactly who she would face. “How are you enjoying North High?” His voice was teasing and his grin was satisfied. She wanted to wipe his smile with her fist.

“Surprised to see you care, Bowen,” she said it dismissively, turning back to her phone. She hoped he would take the hint and leave her alone.

He did not. “Of course I care, Nina.” Something sweet coated his tone, and he walked closer to her tree. “Come on, were you miserable? Was it the worst thing ever? Did you hate it? Please, oh please, tell me how unhappy you were today.” 

“Worse now that you’re here.” He only laughed, as she knew he would. She closed her phone, looking up at him. “So, what is this? Stalking? Are you that obsessed with me, Ricardo?” She dramatically pouted, “That’s _adorable_.”

“You're right, I _am_ irrevocably attractive.” He flashed her a cocky smirk, his voice thick with pretentiousness. She rolled her eyes, annoyed that she couldn’t get under his skin. “So, are you gonna join choir?” His face lightened up as if a realization hit him. “Oh, no, wait.”

“Aw, Bowen, I didn’t know you missed me that much. If I had known you needed my presence so bad, I would have never quit, I promise.”

“I’m glad you care about my wellbeing. Warms my heart, Nini.”

Nina gave him a smug smile, “I bet there’s other reasons I warm your heart.”

“Hatred,” he said, too defensive and not teasing enough to not earn a victorious smile from the girl. She had the upper hand. She stood up. Although he still had a good few inches over her, she looked into his eyes with no problem. He seemed almost annoyed, as if he knew he had slipped up.

She smirked, “Is that what the kids call it these days?” 

“You seem to really want me to love you. Wishful thinking, perhaps? Does someone have a little crush on me?” His voice was cooing, looking down on her with a look of fake pity and amusement in his eyes. Nina supposed it was a good comeback, coming in just a little too late in the conversation to truly work. She had the advantage here and was unwilling to pass it up. 

“Who said anything about love?” He narrowed his eyes and pursed his lips, losing all the fun he had a second ago. There was no good answer, no biting comeback, no witty quip to get him out of his hole. 

“I hate you,” he said matter-of-factly, no emotion in his voice. 

Nina snorted, “I know.” Before either of them could try to pick a new argument and see who’d win this one, she received a text from her mother. “I gotta go. Try not to miss me too much.”

“It’ll be hard with your charming personality,” he said, his voice full of sarcasm and fakeness.

She rolled her eyes and turned around, walking to where her mother was waiting for her. 

__________

“So… How was North High?” Carol said, a bit too loud and happy to be casual. She had carefully walked around the subject since she had picked up her daughter from school. Her smile had been extra sweet and wide and her voice chirper than usual, enthusiastically talking about her day and some recent family gossip. Nina hadn’t mind the conversation, but it was clear that there was one question in her mother’s mind and she had wished she would just spit it out and ask. 

“Miserable,” Nina said simply, looking out the window.

Carol lowered the radio, “Was it that bad?” The tone was light, but Nina knew the words were serious and concerned.

She gave a look to her mom who was softly biting her lower lip, worry in her eyes. She smiled faintly, “No, mom.” The rest of the car ride was spent in silence.


	2. chapter two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, the audition scene is very unrealistic since i have nothing to base it on but different movies so please suspend your disbeliefs and don’t call me out 
> 
> it's also also generally unbelievable because of the events so just like,,,,bear with me please

“Today is the day,” Nina announced excitedly, sitting down beside her friends on the grass beside the school. They had officially named it their hanging spot, far away from the lunchroom and its drama while offering comfort and scenery (or at least that's how Seb liked to describe it). 

The tensions in the cafeteria were high, or so Nina had heard. She had not dare step foot there after hearing all the rumors crawling the hallways. Talks of fights and arguments and pranks and constant teacher supervision ran around the school and the brunette was definitely glad to be sitting outside with her friends, in their own (safe) little bubble. 

Their spot had a tree nearby, giving enough shade for the overheated people, but still plenty of sun for those (Carlos) who wanted to lounge in the sun and work on their tans. It was fairly quiet, even with the many other students laying around campus, avoiding confrontations. 

Seb squealed, clapping his hands. “I’m so excited. My first audition!” 

Unfortunately, it was impossible for East High and North High to put on two seperate musicals. There was only one auditorium and practices would interfere with each other. Many other clubs faced this issue, like the sports teams, and the direction had decided that in an effort to be fair, all clubs had to merge. Nina thought it was more a recipe for disaster than anything. Sharing a school was something, but sharing their passion, their safe space? It felt apocalypstic.

Fortunately, both drama teachers directed the musical, meaning that there wasn’t one school more likely to get casted than the other. Both teachers had denied treating the musical with anything but the utmost fairness, but everyone knew the rivalry ran as deep as teachers and directions.

Even with the disappointments dragging it down, all of them were excited for the musical, completely putting aside the negative.

“Which song are you gonna sing after all?” Ashlyn asked, taking a bite of her baby carrot as she spoke. 

This year, the school’s musical was Heathers and Nina was beyond glad. It was always one of her favorites, the witty humor and 80s aesthetic, without mentioning the great songs, made it top of her list. She had a slight problem with the way the musical softened JD, making him more of a misunderstood badboy with a penchant for killing than a complete psychopath. Ir was unfortunate as mocking those tropes was one of the themes of the movie, and JD's love for Veronica definitely wasn't as deep and grand as the various songs made it, but they sounded incredible and Nina had no problem suspending her criticisms when Our Love Is God came on. 

Nina was auditioning for Veronica Sawyer. It was totally outside of her comfort song. She had always been more of a background person, erasing herself from the spotlight, but senior year, her final year, made her want to shine. This year, she was going to be the lead. This year, she was going to be Veronica.

“I was thinking of Seventeen. I mean, everyone is gonna do Beautiful, and I want to stand out. Maybe it shows Veronica's personality and my acting skills better, though. Plus, Seventeen is a duet.” Nina sighed, resting her head on her hand. "I really don't know."

Kourtney shook her head, “Don’t overthink this.”

“Of course I’m overthinking this. It’s senior year! It's my last chance.” Nina cried, before catching herself and shoving back down the emotion she had been ignoring the last few days. She took a breath. “I just… I want this. So bad.”

Seb took her hand and squeezed, giving her a reassuring smile. “Dead Girl Walking: the reprise.” He answered simply and she softly gasped, her eyes lightening up.

She threw her arms around his neck, squeezing him into a hug as she grinned wide. “You’re a genius, Sebastian. I love you.”

“Love you too, girl,” he chuckled, patting her back. When Nina released him, he seemed to be hit with the same desperation as her. Seb groaned. “I kind of have to do Blue. It’s the only Ram and Kurt song. I mean, I don’t have much to choose from. I am obviously not a JD. Imagine me being emo and edgy? Ridiculous.”

“I still think you should try out for Chandler,” Carlos singsonged, laying on the grass, playing with his boyfriend’s fingers. 

Seb rolled his eyes, but a dumb grin decorated his face, “Come on, they’d never pick me.”

“If they knew talent they would.”

Kourtney gave them a confused look, “How do y’all change audition songs so quick? Haven’t you been preparing your song for the past week?”

“To be fair,” Ashlyn chipped in, “we’ve been preparing for every single Heathers character for like two years. We are ready.” She turned to Seb, “Isn’t Blue a duet though? There’s no part where only one character sings. You should probably find a Kurt to your Eam” 

Carlos cut in before the blonde could even talk, “No worries," he waved dismissevily, "he’s doing Chandler anyway.” Seb lightly hit his shoulders, laughing with a tint of a blush.

“You should, Seb.” Kourtney nodded, “I've always wanted to see your mean, bitchy side. I know it’s in there."

“You found me out,” Seb gasped, dramatically covering his forehead. “I’m a snake.”

Nina snorted, “I have never believed something less than the time Ashlyn said she was straight.”

“Hey,” she exclaimed, “I was a confused kid with internalized homophobia and I was suppressing the shit out of my feelings for Hannah Montana.”

Nina smiled brightly, “And look at you now! Thirsting for Miley Cyrus openly. Character development.” 

“Not my fault she's so hot.”

Carlos’ nose wrinkled, “She's musty.”

“Don’t ever insult my wife again, Carlos.”

“Okay,” Seb finally said, a nervous smile on his face, “I’ll try out for Chandler.” Carlos squealed and sat up, kissing his boyfriend. 

__________

“Nina Salazar-Roberts?” The East High teacher said, smiling slightly. She had only recently joined theater and had had no time to develop a bond with Miss Jenn. However, Nina was an Easter and the difference in the way Miss Jenn and Zack (he looked like a surfer dude who had never matured. He only wanted to be called Zack) looked at her was apparent. 

“I’m singing Dead Girl Walking: the reprise,” Nina tried to be confident, but the words still came out shy and unsure. God, she had to step up her game.

“Perfect,” Miss Jenn nodded. Zack looked slightly bored, but Nina was fairly convinced he always did. “You may go.”

She took a deep breath, visualising herself getting rid of all the tension and negative emotions. It went out of her body through her nose, out into the world to be someone else’s burden. She was Veronica Sawyer and she was strong, confident, unafraid to speak her mind and unapologetically there. She gave a sign to the soundtech, opening her mouth as the music resonated in the auditorium. 

“Wait! Wait! I’m sorry, wait!” Ricky Bowen barged through the door, speeding down the stairs in absolute worry, the sound of his shoes hitting the floor and his school bag dancing around filled the room, without counting his screams. Nina was livid. She was going to _kill him._

“I’m here to audition for JD,” he said, out of breath, not acknowledging once Nina, who was still standing there, mouth opened, fists clenched, totally caught offguard. 

“The auditions for JD are over,” Miss Jenn snapped, clearly upset by the kid’s action too. She threw her an apologetic look, “So sorry, Nina,” she turned back to look at him, “Do you expect special privilege with this attitude? Stopping a fellow student in the middle of their auditions like that?”

“I’m,” he turned around to look at her, for the first time since he arrived, but he felt more rushed than sorry, “So, so sorry —Nina, was it?” Oh no he did not? She let out a soft gasp, outraged, but he continued on, looking at her as if she wasn't even there, “I know it’s extremely rude of me, and I hope I didn’t throw you off,” he stared at the directors again, “But, see, my science teacher held us back to do some chores, so this is not my fault. It does not speak at all on my dedication to be here.”

“Well, those were lovely excuses,” she gave him a sarcastic smile, “the Kurt and Ram auditions will be later on. You can try out for one of them then.”

“Come on, Jenn,” Zack chimed in, “the kid didn’t mean any harm. It’s his senior year.” 

“The JD auditions -” Miss Jenn started, fumbling slightly at a contradiction. Zack hadn’t said much before and Nina supposed she was starting to realize they were two calling the shots and making decisions now.

“Dead Girl Walking: the reprise is a duet. Ricky can do it with her, and then sing I Am Damaged. You can even do the Miss Fleming part. There, problem fixed.” He grinned, proud of himself, and the curly haired boy smiled victoriously. Nina narrowed her eyes. She did not want to do a duet with Ricky Bowen, not for her very special and important audition. What was he even doing here?

“Well…” Jenn seemed at a lost for words, and Nina prayed she would refuse. The boy interrupted her auditions and then had the audacity to make it a duet, one that none of them had rehearsed for. If he completely blew it, fine, he wasn’t even supposed to audition, but her? That was her chance, and she earned it fair and square. “Fine.” Nina closed her eyes in disbelief, feeling anger rush through her veins. For a second, she wished to speak her mind, to say all the words she was holding inside. But she swallowed them, scared, and gave a fake smile.

Ricky Bowen walked up the stage, all smug and happy. She wanted to claw his face off, “Ricky, —was it?” She said, her voice thick with sarcasm. Maybe she was slightly petty. He just always brought out the worst in her. He laughed. “What are you doing here? Aren’t you in choir? You _so_ love to remind me of that.” 

“I am a multitalented and complex individual, Nini."

She gave the small signal to the soundtech, letting the music invade her body. She was furious. There was new meaning to her words, new fire. She felt the determination, felt the anger deep inside of her. She wasn’t shy, wasn’t unsure, she looked at them directly, showed them all the rage and passion she felt inside. She wanted this. She definitely wasn’t gonna let Ricky Bowen ruin it for her.

" _I wanted someone strong who could protect me. I let his anger fester and infect me._ " The words resounded true on her tongue. She was a bomb building up momentum, a furious reaction on its way. There was no hesitation, no blubber, no falter. Nina had never been more clear, more sure." _His solution is a lie, no one here deserves to die. Except for me and the monster I created._ " 

Her gaze turned towards the boy, burning her eyes into his, the faintest smile on her lips. It was a vicious smile, filled with all the deaths she was wishing upon him. " _Heads up, J.D., I'm a dead girl walking!_ "

Ricky took one step as she let out a _Step away from the bomb_. His speech was full of intensity and just enough of insanity. There had always been something kind of soft about him, mostly because of his pretty face (not handsome or hot, _pretty_ , delicate), but it seemed to have snap out of him as he entered character. There was something rough and profoundly violent about him, something deranged.

It reminded her of Veronica, of the love and warmth she had for JD, so far away from her own feelings towards his actor. She wasn’t Nina. She let her voice turn soft, letting go of the anger that had driven her for most of the song. She mourned a love that could never be, regretted a past that wasn’t hers, wished deeply for a change that was too late to come. It wasn’t sad, per say, but apologetic. 

She walked slowly towards the curly boy as she sang, watching him react to her words. 

"I wish I had more TNT "

Nina didn’t know what to do as the instrumental started. They were supposed to be in a physical fight, but they had nothing choreographed, nothing prepared. Instead, Ricky and her stared at each other, unmoving, breaths heavy. It wasn’t the usual anger or hate that filled their eyes, but something of the same intensity, of the same fierceness. For the first time in three years, Ricky was more than the annoying kid that sang vaguely well, more than a boy she had branded her nemesis without knowing more about him than his wits. 

As the gun rang through the auditorium, something snapped in them and they both looked away, breaking whatever stare off they had. As the music of I Am Damaged started to play, Ricky opened his mouth and sang. 

He had a much better voice than she had ever given him credit for, never having heard him sing solo, never having dared to give him a compliment. Nina supposed he was fairly convincing in acting in love, although she wasn’t that fooled. His words were soft and emotional, but his eyes were dead, devoid of any sentiment. The teachers were far away, however. Perhaps, to them, he was convincing.

Nina took all of her chance to shine and tried to channel all the love, horror and sorrow in her eyes, letting it peek through in her few lines. She didn’t believe that the point of this song was to show how much they loved each other, nor that it was the key emotion, but she did think that they had a strong bond and that it was bound to come out during their final moment. She tried as best she could to walk the fine line between the two, never wanting to over or under do it.

The explosion happened and, right after the sound shocked the room, the soundtech cut the music. Nina and Ricky looked away for the first time in the last few minutes, a sort of awkwardness surrounding them. 

“Thank you, Nina and Ricky,” Miss Jenn smiled as they walked off stage. She quickly joined back her friends who gave her surprised and teasing looks. She blushed slightly as she sat back down. 

She looked to where Ricky joined some friends, watching as he laughed and smiled, not once looking back her way. She faced the stage again, ignoring his existence for the rest of the auditions.

__________

As she approached the cast list, Nina braced herself for the results. She knew that there was a high chance of her not getting her dream role, no matter how much she had desperately desired for it. The competition was pretty tough, especially with that Northerner girl Gins who spun and high kicked better than Nina ever could. She had tried to reassure herself that Veronica was not much of a dancing role, but she couldn’t help but think this Gina had so much more to offer than herself. 

But if, by chance or a miracle, Nina got Veronica, she knew that she also had to brace herself for the fact that Ricky Bowen would be JD. She had no doubt that he had gotten the role, the number of boys few and definitely not as talented as Ricky (except maybe Ashlyn’s cousin, who was surprisingly also into theater, but Nina thought he was a bit too jock and preppy to be JD), as much as she hated admitting it. He had the voice and, most importantly, the character. He embodied him so easily, slipped himself into his skin without any trouble. 

Still, as she walked to the already announced sheet of paper (it’s about intuition! Zack and Miss Jenn seemed to have the same decision making way), no amount of repeating the words, of reminding herself of the possible outcomes could prepare her.

Heather Chandler: Gina Porter

Heather McNamara: Sebastian Matthew-Smith

Heather Duke: Ashlyn Caswell

Ram Sweeney: EJ Caswell

Kurt Kelley: Daniel Trent

Martha Dunstock: Nathalie Wilkinson

Kurt’s Dad/ Veronica’s Dad/ Principal Gowan: Matt Blake

Ram’s Dad/Big Bud Dean/ Coach Ripper: Kyle Horan

Ms. Fleming/ Veronica’s Mom: Daniella Voss

Veronica Sawyer: Nina Salazar-Roberts

JD (Jason Dean): Ricky Bowen

Oh fuck. Oh _shit_.

“Congratulations, Nini. Guess your devoted adoration for me really came through.”

Nina turned around to look at Ricky, a wide grin and bright eyes scotched on her face. With the same joy, she said, “Go fuck yourself, Rickster, I’m too happy to care.” She turned back to run in her friend’s arms.

__________

Kourtney, with her little knowledge of theater kids, enthusiastically proposed Denny’s to celebrate all of them getting cast in something other than ensemble. But Nina and Ashlyn agreed that the restaurant’s vibe without 20 kids on show day was off, and they instead opted for Clarity, a somewhat respectable restaurant with good vegan options (Carlos had newly decided to go vegan. They were holding bets on how long it would last). It was much nicer than Kourtney’s option and they quickly ordered their food, their happy grins unable to be swept off their faces. 

“I still can’t believe it,” Seb drummed his hands on the table, his smile scotched to his ears. He had been saying this exact phrase for the past 30 minutes. It was a pretty sincere thought. After all, it _was_ unbelievable, all of it feeling like their wildest dreams. 

Carlos interlaced their fingers, bumping his shoulder teasingly, “I told you. Remind yourself of this exact moment next time we argue, baby. I’m always right.”

Seb laughed, leaning in to kiss him,“Fuck, babe, just for this, you can win all the arguments.” 

“I would think this a lovely sentiment if I didn't know you don't mean it.” Carlos cheekily said before their lips connected, smiling.

“I really don’t.” 

Normally, this would be the time one of the girls threw something at them (saying something along the lines of _"Be horny when we don’t have to watch."_ ) but this was a very special day. Instead, as the two boys made out in their side of the booth, they turned towards each other, eyes gleaming. 

“I can’t believe we all got main characters,” Nina said, “This is a definite win for snacknation.”

Kourtney rolled her eyes, but her smile was too wide to hide. “I told you calling us snack wasn’t a thing.”

“Oh, come on. It’s perfect.” Kourtney shook her head. Nina pouted. “Come on, give it to me, I just got Veronica. You can't be mean to me when I got Veronica.”

“Fine, win for snacknation, or whatever dumb name you want to call us.” Even with Kourtney's harsh words, Nina grinned happily, letting her head fall on her best friend’s shoulder, satisfied. “You know who got JD?” Nina could hear the smirk in her voice

Nina groaned. "We're not talking about that.”

“Oh, no, baby. We’re definitely talking about that today.” Ashlyn said, teasing and playful, a little smile leaving her lips. As she bent and stopped being hidden by Kourtney, Nina had a clear view of her shiteating smile. Nina scrunched her face in embarrassment, closing her eyes. 

Seb unlocked his lips from his boyfriend, turning to look at them. “Oh, God, yeah. What was that?” 

It came back to Nina in quick flashbacks. The anger, the way Ricky had acted and how quicky she had been able to slip in Veronica’s skin thanks to it, The Look (which she really didn’t want to think about), the way Ricky sang.

“I guess he’s good,” she shrugged, still hiding herself in Kourtney's shoulder.

“You know we’re talking about your audition and it’s hilarious to think you can successfully dodge it,” Carlos bit back, lips pursed, in this particular sassy way that always sounded serious but was always known to be fun and banter.

Nina furrowed her eyebrows, saying in a purposefully dumb way, “What do you mean?”

“I hate the Northerners with all my guts and I know you do too but for a second there I was convinced that you and Bowen were gonna bone on stage and I was _here_ for it.” Ashlyn’s speech was grandiose and Nina rolled her eyes. There was no way her and Bowen were emoting those kind of emotions. It was only anger and regret and some faint love, although the last one was pretty hard to muster and it might not have even shown at all. Shockingly, however, all of Nina’s friends nodded their heads, wholeheartedly agreeing with Ashlyn’s statement.

“No way!” Nina exclaimed, raising from the shoulder, all of a sudden fired. “You guys are completely delusional.”

“I swear to God,” Seb said seriously, “Che-mi-stry, baby.”

Kourtney added, “It was like fire.”

“I felt awkward just being in the room,” Carlos sighed, as if this was a pained memory. “I was like, ‘if I stay one more second I will be horrifyingly subjected to straight sex’.”

“There was nothing sizzling between me and Bowen other than professionalism. He was good, he made my audition better, I will never admit out loud or in my head that I most likely got the part because of him. That’s it. Nothing else.”

“If you say so,” Kourtney singsonged, clearly mocking her answer.

“Yes, I’m sure!” Nina bit back, before racking a brain for a distraction. This was a battle she could not win. “Can we now focus on the Heathers? They're the true stars here.”

“Finally,” Seb dramatically said. “Honestly, I’m even more glad to have McNamara than if I had gotten Chandler. She’s much more soft and sweet.”

“Like you."

“Yes. It was implied.”

Ashlyn let her head fall back on the restaurant’s wall, sighing happily, “I was so sure I was gonna get Miss Fleming or something. Like, I was walking up to the castlist and I was like 'oh, God, this is it. I’m gonna play an unhappy middle aged women'.” She threw them a look, “Not that there’s anything wrong with being an unhappy middle aged women. My mom is one.”

“I had no doubt that you would be Duke. You nailed that role. There is a surprising meanness about you, Ash.”

“This show is exposing you guys as your true mean selves. I am surrounded by snakes."

“Hey, what about me?” Nina let out an offended cry, “Veronica isn’t a mean girl.” 

“Nina, she kills people.” Her best friend looked at her pointedly.

Nina quickly fired down. “Yeah, I'll mind my own business.”


	3. chapter three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apparently there's a rinibreakdown happening on twitter? and it's trending? anyway here's my contribution<3

When Friday was finally there, Nina was definitely ready to party. She wasn’t really much of a drinker but it had been a hellish two weeks and a rollercoaster of emotions. Truthfully, she desperately needed to let loose and have some fun, no matter the way she acquired it (alcohol, by the way). 

Some North High kid from the nicest part of town (the one at the edge of town, in the North, with the ridiculously big houses) was throwing a party and had invited both Easters and Northerners (a Bold Move) under the guise of making peace (and love). Seb had obviously been invited, and he himself had decided to extend the invitation to his circle of friends. He swore the house was too big for anyone to notice and that, anyway, the point of the party was mostly for a bury the hatchet orgy (the more, the merrier, am I right). 

Nina could not imagine the decadence of the party but for that many rival students to hook up, it had to be high. She was definitely not missing that. Before she even knew what the front door looked like, Nina knew this was surely going to be one of the most iconic nights of the year. 

When she had arrived, surrounded by her friends, already a little tipsy and giggly, Nina knew she had been completely right. They were fashionably late, but already the screams, the music and the smell were overpowering the neighborhood. Everything felt intense and present, in some sense. She wasn’t even inside and she already felt apart of the party, could already imagine how it looked inside (god, the neighbors must be pissed). 

Inside was exactly how she had imagined it. The rooms were huge and devoid of all the expensive pieces. There was professional speakers in the living room, blasting music so loud that no one could argue even if they wanted to. A table had been set with various bottles of cheap alcohol and a few of sodas. The light was low as unholy things tended to fester in the dark. There was a table of beerpong and people doing body shots on the kitchen island. Too many students were half naked and Nina could not count the number of people making out even if she had wanted to (which she really, really didn’t want to). 

Everybody was dancing and laughing and it was almost impossible to believe that half of them hated the others' guts. That in normal circumstance, so many rival kids under a same roof would mean war (although by the judge of the few bloody noses she saw, there had been a few battles. Which she was weirdly glad for. Normalcy). 

Kourtney grabbed Nina’s hands and walked her directly to the drinks table, grabbing a bottle of tequila and opening it, “We must celebrate whatever this is,” she announced with purpose, as if it was something revolutionary. She quickly cleaned the neck of the bottle and raised it to her lips, letting the liquid burn her tongue, before offering it to her friend. “If you want to,” she reassured. Nina was not a shot person, preferring her drinks girly, barely bitter and tasting like pink. However, she was buzzed enough that the taste of straight booze didn’t affect her much and she let herself take a shot, as a celebration. Kourtney laughed, throwing her head back, and they both turned to go dance.

Nina let herself go with the music, let the beat dictate her movements, let the booze free her limbs. She was jumping and spinning and grinding and throwing her hands in the hair and passing it through her locks, whatever the song whispered for her to do. She was out of breath when she got out of it, stumbling to get to some water. She drank an entire cup and then made herself a concoction of rum and orange juice, leaving to find her friends with the drink in her hand. 

She found Carlos and Seb giggling, whispering and kissing on a loveseat, and she opted to leave them alone. Although Nina was sure they would have happily welcomed her, she wasn’t particularly interested in third wheeling them at this moment. 

Nina let her gaze fall from person to person, watching all the scandalous things and fun they were having, trying to spot a blob of red hair amidst them with no success. She did let her gaze linger slightly on a brown haired boy making out with a blond, something passionate and feral between them, but she would never admit it to anyone. And, if she walked away blushing, that was between her and her shame tomorrow.

When she finally found Ashlyn, she was chatting up some girl (an Easter) and Nina did not want to intrude. She went back inside, her drink finished, and decided it was the responsible thing to do to drink more water. It was surprisingly refreshing, as if she had been craving the beverage all this time and had never noticed, and Nina really hoped it would be enough to stop her hangover tomorrow. In a desperate attempt to help future Nina, she went back for a second cup.

“Thirsty, huh?” She heard a low voice say behind her. Caught off guard, she twisted around, frowning and mouth agape. It was a guy, faintly short and built. He had dark skin and the whitest smile and Nina thought he was somewhat charming. 

“That was terrible,” she said without thinking. Because, no matter how bright he smiled or how lovely his brown eyes were, it really was still a terrible line. 

He laughed good naturedly, nodding, “Yeah, I suppose you’re right. I’m Howie.”

“Oh. That’s a cool name.”

“Yeah?” He smiled cheekily, “What’s yours?”

“Nina,” she extended her hand to him and he shook it. “East High,” she thought it was important to mention, but she could not figure out why. Probably years of rivalry or something like that.

“Ah, a bunny,” she narrowed her eyes. North High students called them bunnies, a play on words with Easter. It always felt like something derogatory, mostly because of the mocking and insulting tone they used when saying it. It had quickly became a Northerner expression, but no Easter would refer to themselves that away. 

“Northerner,” she spat out, her face sour.

Howie threw his hands in the air, “Hey, I’m sorry. I’m not here to fight.”

“Good.” She said pointedly. “Because I can’t fight.”

“You’re cute.”

“Why, thank you.” She might have gave him a playful smile that looked awfully close to flirty, but nobody was sober enough to prove it. She was shocked at how long they had held this conversation without fighting. Everything truly was possible (follow your dreams, kid).

He walked closer to her, securing their conversation as more than a flightly meeting in a kitchen. Smiling, Howie asked, “On a scale of one to ten, how much do you hate Northerners?”

“Oh, ten.” She said without a time to think, her answer as natural as breathing. “You?”

“With you here? Nine.” She couldn’t stop herself from laughing, shaking slightly her head. This all felt a little like flirting.

They stayed here for God knows how long (time isn’t real), talking a bit too close to be friendly, finding surprisingly a lot in common for opposing rivals, until Kourtney came crashing through, falling all over, her words slurred.

“Kourt? You okay?” Nina said, concerned, gripping her arm to help her find her balance.

“I have never seen this much free booze,” she said, although it did not sound as clear as this. Her words were mashed and there were awkward pauses in places where there should not be.

“Let’s get you some water,” Nina lent her cup to her friend, watching as she gulped it down obediently. Kourtney was still a trainwreck. “We should go home.”

“No,” Kourtney shook her head, screaming. “I wanna stay.” Nina sighed, too drunk herself to deal with this.

“Okay, well do you want to lay down? Just for a second?” She said it enthusiastically, hoping the high energetic tone would trick her friend into accepting. She ended up being easily tricked, nodding softly and letting Nina guide her upstairs. She threw a glance at Howie behind her shoulders, smiling goodbye, slightly disappointed.

They tried to enter various room, all locked or occupied, until they managed to find one with the lights closed and no weird moaning coming from it. She opened the lights and walked her friend to the bed, which Kourtney fell on immediately, a happy smile on her lips.

“On your side,” Nina demanded, “we don’t want you to choke on your vomit, now, do we?”

“You sure have weird dirty talk,” a voice coming from behind her said and she screamed, whipping around. 

“Oh, my God, why did you do that?” She exclaimed, holding her wildly beating heart. Ricky Bowen simply smirked. He was sitting on the ground beside a dresser, clearly there much before them.

“Hey, I thought it was polite to announce my presence before you started getting it on.”

“Oh, please,” She threw him a look, “If you actually thought we were about to get it on you would have stayed silent.”

He snorted, “As if I’d want to mentally scar myself like that.”

“You would enjoy the mental scar.”

“What?” He laughed, amused. “That made no sense.”

“Shut up, I’m drunk.” But Nina liked arguing with Bowen, and so she walked up to him and sat down beside him, crossing her legs. “So, what are you doing here alone, loser?”

“Reflecting,” he answered, ignoring her jab.

She snorted. “Got turned down by blondie?”

Ricky gave her a look. “How do you know I was with a blond?” He teased. 

“I have the unfortunate malchance of noticing things. Got a direct view of the two of you getting it on. Had to go throw up in the bathroom right after, too.” 

“Please, you are delighted with the view. Finally, something to think of at night, right before you go sleep, when you feel all hot and tingly. You were getting bored with that time you saw me shirtless.”

“I told you I saw nothing,” she exclaimed, raising her voice. Really, she was trying to ignore all his other words, to not engrave in her mind his low voice and sinful smirk.

“Yeah right,” he nudged her shoulder, “You’re blushing.”

“Am not,” Nina defended childishly, crossing her arms.

“Want me to get you a mirror?”

“Yes, please. I looked at your face for too long. Time to wash my eyes with some real beauty.”

Nina could think of a thousand quick comebacks he could say, but Ricky somehow chose to stay quiet. He looked down at his shoes, playing with the hole in his Converse, and Nina found him so dejected she wondered if she should apologize. Quickly, she caught herself, looking away from him as if his very sight burnt her and letting her eyes travel anywhere in the room. Somehow, the silence was not awkward, and Nina was glad.

“Blondie had a boyfriend,” Ricky finally let out, voice low. She finally turned her head to him, wincing.

“Yikes. Sorry”

“Yeah. He was not happy.” He joked, trying to act unbothered, but Nina could see through his act.

“Did he punch you?”

“He threatened to.”

“So close,” she cursed, trying to brighten the mood. Ricky let out a small chuckle and Nina considered it a win. She smiled brightly.

“Sorry to disappoint, Salrobs.”

Nina smiled playfully, “When don’t you?” He smiled, but he seemed to still be thinking, his gaze fixed on his fingers. Nina frowned. “What’s really upsetting you?” She said in her concerned, one she would never have thought she would use for Ricky Bowen, as if she really cared.

“I don’t know.” He shrugged. “They broke up.”

“It’s not your fault, you know?” She said, “You didn’t know she was with someone. And even then, you’re not the one dating him. You don’t owe him anything. It’s all on her. She’s the cheater.”

“I guess…” Ricky mumbled. Nina felt a more important issue underlying in his words, but she was uninterested in prying more. Afterall, they were mortal enemies. She did not want to know and he did not want to tell. He took a breath, slapping his knees and turning back to her with a whole new expression. “So, Veronica, huh?”

She rolled her eyes, “Don’t start.” She had meant it to be biting, a sort of menacing warning, but it was much more friendly than anticipated. 

“I thought you were too happy to care,” he singsonged. 

“I’m ecstatic,” Nina defended, “But I also had time to fully process you are going to be JD. I have been nauseous ever since.”

He scoffed, “I am the best choice.”

“Cocky much?”

“Simply realistic and honest. All amazing qualities I am blessed to possess.”

“Clearly humility isn’t one of them.”

He sighed dramatically, “Alas, one cannot have everything.”

“Yeah. If one could maybe you could manage to not be such a dick.”

“And you wouldn’t be so annoying.”

Nina shook her head, “No, I’d probably still be. It’s fun making you mad.”

“Because I’m hot when I’m mad?” He finished, a cocky smirk on his lips, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. Nina made a disgusted expression, her face scrunching as if she had bitten in something too sour or bitter.

“Gross, Bowen. I just enjoy when you’re unhappy. Gives me a thrill.” Ricky rolled his eyes. 

“And people say you’re an angel.”

“I am,” she exclaimed, hitting his shoulder, her mouth agape with offense. “Just not with you.”

His face became slightly more serious, losing its playfulness and teasing, a curious expression replacing it, no trace of offense lying underneath. “Why’s that?” He said it as if he was actually wondering.

“Maybe, I don’t know, the mortal enemy thing?” Nina answered like it was the most obvious thing and he was dumb for even asking.

“Right,” he nodded, looking satisfied with the answer. Like he thought it made sense (which it did, so good. He wasn’t that slow). He then let out a little laugh, the type that only consisted of puffing air out of his nostrils and smiling with amusement. “You’re gonna have to kiss me.” His tone was tauntinh

She groaned, closing her eyes, “Don’t remind me.”

“I will. You’re not the only one that enjoys making your life miserable.”

“I feel like that sentence wasn’t gramatically correct but my braincells are incapable of making the connections to call you out on it.”

“Good. My ego has been insulted enough for today.”

“You’ve barely been insulted enough. You’ll never be insulted enough.” Her words were slightly slurred from the sleepiness overtaking her body. From the looks of him he was in the same boat, too gone to notice or call her out on it.

“You have a degradation kink.”

“Then you do too. And stop talking about my kinks.”

“You’re talking about my kinks too,” he exclaimed, defensive.

Nina shook her head, “Only by retaliation. I get no pleasure from this.”

He seemed affronted, “Neither do I. You’re pushing a narrative onto me.”

“If the shoe fits…” She trailed and he slapped her knee. Her laugh came from deep in her throat, filling up the room. “You suck, Bowen.”

“You wish I sucked.” His words didn’t mean much but Ricky himself was fired up, snapping back at her as it was a great comeback. She simply laughed. 

“You know, one day, when we’ll be thirty and unbothered by this whole East High-North High rivalry because only people who peaked in high school still care about it and we’re theater kids so we definitely haven’t peaked yet, I’ll probably still hate you. But I’ll probably like that.”

“You said too many words and brought too many points for me to follow you. Was this one sentence? You can’t monologue in one sentence. Who do you think I am?”

Nina smiled, “I meant that I’ll always hate you but at some point it will be more for fun than true hatred.”

His voice was low as he said, “Oh, so you feel true hatred for me now.” Since when was Ricky this close? They were looking at each other and it felt like they were not even inches apart. When this conversation happened, they had been miles away. When had this happen? How didn’t she notice? 

“Of course,” she murmured, “I despise you.” Did she lean in?

Ricky whispered back, “Me too.” Did he lean too? It felt like they were sharing a space, breathing the exact same particle of air. Her eyes looked down at his lips, for a second, only because she was checking how close they were (really, it was only in an observatory way. No other reason). “But at some point, it’ll probably be for the fun of fighting with you.” He stared at her lips for a second too. 

“Yeah.” She nodded faintly, still in each other’s world. “In a really long time,” she added.

“Years,” he agreed. How had they gotten closer? If they kept going, there would be no more space between them, no more barriers. She looked at his lips again, failing to find an excuse this time.

“Decades.” They lingered there, their faces an inch away from each other.

“Centuries.”

“Millenias.”

“Infinity.”

She rolled her eyes, “Shut up.” And then, who knows what would have happened if Kourtney hadn’t moaned painfully, coming back from her slumber. They jumped apart, hearts beating, eyes avoiding, galaxies between them. 

Nina stood up, “Kourt, hey, I’m here.”

“I hate it here,” she announced, her voice raw.

Nina chuckled, “I know, baby. Do you finally want to go home? I’ll call us a cab.”

Kourtney gave her pleading eyes, “Yes, please. I love you.”

“Me too.” Nina said, helping her stand up and getting her phone from her back pocket. As they started to walk towards the room, seconds away to leave this cursed room, she turned her head to the side and said, “It was not nice nor a pleasure seeing you, Richmond. Bye.” He smiled back, something devious in his eyes. 

Nothing had changed. The world was the same. Everything was fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when i had imagined this scene there was no almost kiss, but it kind of flowed in naturally as i was writing it, so there it is! however, that doesn’t change how these kids view each other, so if you think it’s kind of too soon, don’t worry, they still very much hate each other:)


	4. chapter four

Things had mostly settled down as Monday came around. 

There was definitely a new dynamic between the rival students, so used to sharing nothing apart from insults and petty fights. However, they now shared a school and (in the least cheesy way possible) memories. And although the former one was hell on Earth, the latter made things a bit more relaxed. It was unfortunately still veru much awkward. Everyone seemed to be walking on eggs, a temptative peace lingering in the air. Nina had even seen a few Easters and Northerners engaging in friendly conversations. Not that she resented them for it. To be honest, she had spotted Howie in the crowd when she had had a few minutes to spare, letting herself chat with the enemy (just to see if a Northerner that wasn’t a complete dick really did exist). 

Between Ricky Bowen and Nina Salazar-Roberts, however, there was nothing but war. Embarrassed and ashamed of their moment of weakness that a few drinks too many brought, their friendly banter, their unexpected kind of truce and their faces, too close to fully ignore, they had come back Monday with a point to prove. They were extra mean and bitter, sending each other a few below the belt blows, going as nasty and vicious as possible. 

Still, Nina was glad to say that nothing between them had changed. They went the extra mile to prove it, to unsubtly reassure it, but there was no new underlying tension, no new attraction between them. She felt nothing but disgust and hatred when she looked at him and she was definitely ecstatic about it (and relieved). 

“Actually, it’s ‘he _owns_ a deconstruction company’, not ‘he _has_ ’. It’s written right here,” Nina said, a fake smile on her lips, bending down to vaguely point at Ricky Bowen’s script. She looked back at him, losing the kindness of her face for a concerned expression. “Can you not read?” It was thick with pity and Ricky clenched his jaw, snapping back at her an annoyed look.

“I didn’t say anything when _you_ messed up your lines, so please shut up.” He bit back and Nina narrowed her eyes, sitting back in her chair, grumpy.

“You didn’t need to because I never did. You’re lying. This is fake news.”

Ricky snapped, sitting straighter, twisting towards her, so ready to engage in a verbal match he was physically involving himself in the argument, “First of all-”

“Okay!” Miss Jenn announced with pep, a wide grin never leaving her lips, “That’s enough you two. Let’s keep the fighting _in_ the play and not out of it, yeah?” Although Ricky rolled his eyes in his typical nonchalant attitude, Nina blushed slightly, looking back down at her script in embarrassment. She could feel the attention of the group on her and she felt mortified. God, what must they be thinking of her? 

She tucked a brand of hair behind her ear, looking down at her paper, stating a bit quieter than before, “Deconstruction?” 

The readthrough continued with no other interruptions, although the leads threw at each other plenty of glares and eyerolls and a few under the table kicks when the focus was on other characters. There was a definite awkwardness and strain in all the romantic scenes, reading through them as if reading a produce’s list of ingredients out loud. During them, Nina and Ricky did not look at each other, their eyes firmly fixed on their script and never once looking up to silently fight each other. It was only a few minutes after the scenes were over that it once again became acceptable to continue their battle.

“Well,” Miss Jenn smiled once again when the readthrough was finally done, it not quite reaching her eyes, looking more like a twitch that a genuine grin, “We sure have a _lot_ to work with!” She said it excitedly, slapping her hands together, as if this was an adventure they were all embarking on. Everybody in the room knew it had more to do with Nina and Ricky’s complete lack of chemistry.

“Yep,” Zack popped in p, nodding faintly, “We _sure_ do.”

“Let’s do bonding exercices!” The groans resonated in the room (who, let’s not forget here, was filled with mortal enemies). “Come on,” Miss Jenn tried to hype the group, “let’s all get to know each other! It’ll be fun.”

“You heard the lady,” the male teacher added, standing up and starting to push desks around, “It’s bonding time!” 

The first game was the Name Tag to try and learn the unknown names of rival students. It involved running around the classroom and screaming at the top of your lungs a person’s name if the tag was about to touch you. That person then became the tag, off to chase after their own prey. If you yelled somebody that was eliminated, you were also out. It was a fun game (as much fun as tag in a small room could be), but the purpose of it was lost when everyone knew half the people playing’s names. Why would anyone _have_ to learn a rival’s school student’s name when there was 10 perfectly good already known name that you could scream. It definitely wasn’t working, and Nina only learned one Northerner’s name, Gina, because she was scary and hot and she had already remembered her from the audition. 

Zach had proposed Planet, a pretty violent game where you had to form a tight group with fellow students while the others tried as best as they could to tear you away from your team. Nina still remembered the bruises and scratches she had suffered from when she had played last year, and that was _only_ with friendly faces. Miss Jenn had obviously quickly shut the idea down, keeping a crisp smile on her face ( _A good idea!_ she had said, _No!_ ).

Aya was fun but did not help with the bonding. It was pretty much a solo game and the kids exchanged no words during the game (except, obviously, for aya, comeback and powershot). 

Zach proposed a more theater focused game, Tableau Olympics, which surely would force the teens to interact. Everyone was separated in groups of 4 to 6 (chosen by the teachers to ensure mixing) and they had around 10 seconds organize a tableau from a theme or scene the teachers called and then freeze. The students had to talk but they had no time to argue or fight, and so this game was much more successful than all the previous ones. Nina was paired with Nathalie (an Easter), Jeanie (the Enemy) and Ricky Bowen. It wasn’t surprising, obviously the leads that could clearly not stand each other would be put together for the _bonding_ games, but still annoying. They had miraculously managed to not spew any insults at each other, the time constraint stressing them too much to spare any seconds taking a dig at each other. 

The fourth scene was _A funeral gone wrong_ and Jeanie and Nathalie immediately called the roles of the priest and the back from the dead corpse respectively, leaving Nina and Ricky as the devastated but terrorized parents of the deceased. Ricky begrudgingly threw an arm around her shoulders as she curled her face against his body, her head hidden in his chest. She raised a leg and scotched a screaming-crying expression on her face, mirroring the curly haired boy’s, freezing there. It seemed that time had something against her and had decided to pass especially slow. Or maybe Miss Jenn and Zach chose to review each tableau with too much care. But she stayed there, unmoving, in her worst enemy’s arms, and she felt nauseous. She recoiled at his touch, at his warmth and the feel of his breathing and his scent overtaking her nostrils (he smelled clean, like laundry detergent). It was horrible. Her skin warmed all over, a faint memory of the party playing in her mind, making her blush against her will. She started feeling anger pooling at her stomach, slowly rising in her. She tried as best as she could to keep her jaw unclenched and her eyebrows unfurrowed, tensing her toes to get it out. When their teachers finally arrived at their tableau, Miss Jenn smiled proudly, lingering there without saying anything. 

She clasped her hands together, “Well, Nathalie, Jeanie, Nina and Ricky win this round!” As if on cue, everybody in the room unfreezed, Nina projecting herself out of the boy’s arms in disgust. 

“I hate you,” she snapped, lashing, feeling an unrational need to remind him. 

“Likewise." A sarcastic smile broke on his lips. 

“You’re the worst.”

“Thanks for the clarification, I was under the impression it was you all along. An honest mistake, with your personality and all.” Nina opened her mouth, already fired up, but a new scene was announced (A television game show), forcing her to narrow her eyes and give up the fight. Ricky smiled victoriously, something smug to it. She knew it was dramatic and she couldn’t exactly explain why, but in that exact moment, she really wanted him to suffer.

__________

“I just don’t get it,” Carlos sobbed, “I’m good. I’m extraordinary. How could they not pick me?” Seb rubbed his back reassuringly, his head laying on his boyfriend’s shoulder, tears prickling his eyes.

“Because it’s North High and its only purpose is to destroy good men’s dreams and sow misery everywhere.”

Nina held her friend’s hand, lazily tracing circles with her thumb, soaking in his sadness and disappointment. She felt like crying and breaking down doors to scream at anyone who caused Carlos’ tears, felt like raging until they were so overwhelmed they just _had_ to let him make the dance team, felt like holding him in her arms so tight he would never cry again and everything would be better. “The dance coach is a Northerner. They wouldn’t recognize Easter talent if it hit him with a high kick. They'd rather stay with their mediocre team.”

“Assholes,” Kourtney finished under her breath.

Carlos shook his head faintly, taking in a breath, “See, you say that, but what if you’re wrong. What if I just wasn’t talented enough to make the team?” Seb squeezed him harder.

“You?” The blond say, something light and funny in his voice, “Not talented enough? Please, you have more talent in your pinky than in the entire cast of Cats, 2019.” Carlos chuckled slightly.

“It’s true,” Ashlyn nodded, “None of us could ever dream of doing what you do. You’re not only great but you’re creative. It’s more than technique and passion, it’s your ideas, your vision.”

“Yes, I’ve cried while watching you dance last year,” Seb added. “ _Cried_ , Carlos.”

“I am generally not one to be humble but, to be fair, you are a crier.”

Kourtney tsked, “Don't let Northerners humble you.”

“Yeah,” Nina said, something venomous on her tongue. “Since when did we ever think they had good opinions or taste?”

“They did cast all of you as main characters in Heathers,” Carlos offered and all of them immediately shook their heads.

“That was all Miss Jenn, baby. That’s true Easter taste right there."

Carlos sniffed, saying with a low voice, “Don’t call me baby.” The group laughed.

“Carly Rae Jepsen could never.” Seb raised his hand to his boyfriend’s hair, softly playing with it, “Are you feeling better? Did you realize you are the most talented person in the universe and the entire dance team can suck your dick?”

“Kind of,” Carlos chuckled, “But give me a few hours and I will be back on taking selfies every single second and expressing very loudly my self love.”

“Good,” His boyfriend answered, “That’s how I love you the most.”

“I love you too. I love all of you. Thank you.”

Nina shook her head, squeezing his hand, “Please, don’t ever thank us for this. We love you so much Carlos, it breaks our hearts to see you like this.”

“Yeah,” Ashlyn agreed, “Then it might make us actually believe you’re human and not a robot sent here to outshine us all and make Seb less lonely.”

__________

As a way to further force the bonding, the teachers had decided to bring out the big guns. Board games. Although adding some competition to these hateful kids was definitely a risky move, they had both agreed that it could create unexpected friendships and, honestly, the only way to prevent fighting was to keep the interactions under 30 seconds at all time anyway, something simply impossible while putting on a show (Monopoly was completely banned, however. They weren’t _that_ dumb). 

A division of teams had once again been done and Nina had found herself unshockingly with Ricky Bowen again, plus Gina Porter and Nathalie Wilkinson (Chandler and Martha, the two other actors she would have to act with the most). It did keep the group at a fair half and half balance and prevented unsportmanship alliance. They had been given Clue and they had taken back the game to a corner, sitting down on the ground. 

Gina had immediately chose Miss Scarlet and, although red was Nina’s favorite color (with pink), she had let her have it. Honestly, Gina kind of intimidated her and she would rather not fight with her, settling instead for Professor Plum. Ricky had chosen Colonel Mustard. Unfortunately, because of the arrangements of the characters’ starting points on the board, they had been forced to sit side by side (Nathalie had chosen Miss White, if anyone was really interested). 

“I suggest Mr Green in the kitchen with the knife,” Ricky announced and Nini immediately noted down his guess on her paper. He gave her another one of his weirded out looks that he kept throwing her way during the game, “Why do you keep doing that?”

“I’m taking notes, Bowen. Why do you care?”

“It’s weird.”

“It’s organized and strategical. You wouldn’t know anything about it.”

He smiled playfully, “Still gonna win though.”

Gina scoffed from the other side of the board, “Not on my watch, Ricky. You’re going down.” 

“It's cute how he thinks he can win,” Nina turned to Gina and they shared a complicit smile. Then, she looked back at Ricky, unimpressed. "I mean, you haven't even touched the paper."

“I don’t need to write anything down, it’s all in here,” He raised one finger to his temple, hitting it softly, a cocky grin on his lips. Nina rolled her eyes.

“That’s not saying much, there’s nothing in here,” She mirrored his action, hitting his temple with more force. 

He let out a gasp, retaliating with “Well there is such a thing as too much notes, freak.”

Nina was affronted, mouth wide and eyebrows furrowed. “No there’s not!” She gave him a bitter smile. "You can just say you don't know how to write, you know?"

“You guys find the dumbest things to fight about,” Nathalie said in a monotone voice. “It’s impressive.” Gina snorted, nodding slightly. 

Ricky turned towards Nina, his voice clearly still angry, “Well? Mr Green, knife, kitchen?” Nina looked down at her cards, sighing dramatically. She made a show of looking carefully at each card, singling them out between her hands, an exaggerated pensive look on her face as he watched her impatiently.

“Nope, nothing!” She said with pep, joyful and enthusiastic. She heard the other girls quietly snicker. Ricky watched her, immobile, jaw clenched, a bit of disbelief in his eyes. They stayed there, staring at each other eyes, unwilling to look away first, a battle of wills raging on. He narrowed his eyes at her and she smiled back, proud and cheeky 

“I do,” Gina piped up, breaking the staring contest as she handed him a card. “Man, and I thought I was dramatic.”

“You are,” Ricky said as he looked at her card.

“Yes, but right now you’re being worse than me, so I get to sit on my high horse and judge you.”

He gave back her card. “I am being attacked." He moaned, his eyes traveling over his own cards. "I can’t catch a break. This is discrimination, you know? It feels like a hatecrime.”

Nina coughed, “Dramaqueen.” Gina laughed, throwing her head back, her smile bright and beautiful. Nina took the dice and threw it, making her way towards the study.

“Gina! You’re supposed to be my friend. This is the highest betrayal. You are no longer invited to my birthday.” Gina gasped dramatically.

“It’s okay Gina,” Nina patted her back, her eyes filled with empathy, “you’re invited to mine.”

“Stop stealing my friends!” He cried out.

“Stop being annoying!” She countered childishly before turning towards Gina, “I suggest Mrs Peacock in the study with the rope .”

“Nothing,” Gina answered.

“Me neither,” Nathalie said, uninterested.

A smirk slowly crept itself on Ricky’s face, “Well, well, well…” He mocked, “Oh how the tables have turned.”

“It’s how the turntables,” she bit back, already annoyed.

Ricky made a judgemental expression, “No it’s not. I’m quoting the Jonas Brothers here.” No matter how much she hated him. Nina couldn’t help but smile, a small laugh leaving her lips. “Now. Let’s see.” He raised his hands and looked at the cards, examining them with care and attention. He squinted, bringing closer and then further away the cards, tilting his head, dropping his cards and picking up one at the time. After a good minute, he let out, “This truly hurts me to say. But yes. I’ve got something.” He slid one card to her and she picked it up. The rope (Perfect). She smiled happily and scribbled something down on her paper. “Why are you making this face?” Ricky asked, concerned.

“I’m not making a face,” Nina answered innocently.

“You are!” 

“Watcha gonna do about it?” 

“My turn,” Gina exclaimed, excited and rushed. It was clear Gina was competitive (and definitely set on winning), showing up in her shaking knee and bit lower lip and the absolute glee she found when it was her turn. She threw the dice and joined Nina in the study. “I suggest Miss Scarlet in the study with the wrench.” Nathalie silently slid a card her way. Gina nodded solemnly and gave it back. Nina wrote it down, Ricky throwing her a look.

Nathalie threw the dice, looking at the board as if she was choosing at this very second where to go. She moved her pawn to the dining room, the closest one to where she previously was. “I’m starting to think I have even less chances of winning this than Ricky,” she declared as she looked at her notes.

“Hey,” he cried, offended.

Gina patted her back, “It’s okay, at least you don’t look like him.”

“I hate you guys. I really do.”

Nathalie put down her notes, “Well, I suggest Miss Scarlet in the dining room with the rope,” she announced, moving Gina’s pawn to the dining room. “If I’m gonna lose might as well make it a party.”

Gina nodded. “Good choice. I’m incredible company.” 

“I beg to differ,” Ricky grumbled, handing Nathalie a card. He turned to Nina, examining her with narrowed eyes. She answered with a smirk. “You’re gonna accuse.” He said suspiciously.

“I don’t know, am I?” 

He considered her answer, still looking at her with the same expression. “What do you know, note freak?”

She shrugged, “That’s a vague question. I know that rats can’t throw up and lobsters are basically immortal. Is that what you’re asking?” 

He threw the dice, looking at it pensively, then back at her, before announcing determinately, “I’m going for it!” He moved his pawn to the center of the board, “I accuse Mrs Peacock in the lounge with the wrench.” He took the envelope, opening it, before screaming, “No! Fuck, no! Shit." He took a deep breath, looking up at them, deadpanned. "Clue is canceled.” 

Nina snickered, “Told you you’re an idiot.” She threw the dice and made her way to the center. She cleared her throat dramatically, “I accuse Mrs Peacock in the study with the revolver.” Gina and Ricky were staring at her as she opened the envelope (Nathalie honestly didn’t really care about Clue. She was more of a cards game gal. Like poker), their breaths caught, stressed (and way too involved). Nina smiled brightly, throwing the three cards down on the board, “I win! That’s right, baby! I'm the best!" Groans resonated around her as she made a small victory dance. 

“I was so close,” Gina moaned disappointedly, “I had Mrs Peacock and the study.”

“You did?” Nathalie said incredulously, “I only had Mrs Peacock. I actually thought the weapon was the wrench.”

“So did Ricky,” Nina said, “Guess you had just as much chances of winning as him.” She turned to him. “Which is zero!” She said it as if it was the biggest burn, too much sass for the quality of the insult. She turned back to Nathalie with a serious face, “Nothing against you Nat, I love you, you’re doing amazing.” She looked back at Ricky, her teasing and cocky smirk back on, “I had the wrench. I showed it to you once. Guess you should’ve noted it down just like I did.”

Ricky stole her notes, looking at them confusedly, “This is gibberish. There’s so many things written you can’t read anything. It makes no sense.”

“Guess only winners can get it.” She snatched back the paper from his hand, poking her tongue out at him. “See, Gina and Nat will think it makes sense.” She showed it to them and they nodded vigorously.

“A comprehensive set of notes,” Gina affirmed.

“She’s lying!” Ricky cried out (and she was).

“Don’t be a sore loser,” Gina bit back, a teasing smile on her lips.

He crossed his arms, “You’re still a freak.”

She snorted, “It doesn’t matter because I won and you lost, loser.”

“Oh,” he turned to Gina, “so you’re not gonna call her out for being a bad winner?”

“No, she’s funny.” Nina grinned back to the girl.

Ricky shook his head in disbelief, “My worst nightmare. This is my personal hell.” The two girls simply laughed in his face.

“It’s okay, pal,” Nathalie sighed, “We can be losers together. I’ll stand by your side while pretty girls laugh at you.”

“Pretty girls? Where?” Ricky was hit by dices and tokens and a book.


	5. chapter five

Practices had slowly started at North (and East) High. It was a definitely a rocky environment. The board games, groupchats and few other bonding sessions had left between all these kids a shaky complicity. Enough that they worked around the room with comfort, the usual tense environment gone, that they stopped themselves from starting any fights, even if somebody got in the way or messed up, and that they made light conversations with the few acquaintances they had made. Not enough to make them friends. Indeed, they tended to pointedly ignore each other, opting to stay out of each other's way and pretend they were still divided like the good old days. Still, it was enough to make their drama teachers smile proudly. 

“I stayed up all night to learn my lines. I still can’t get the end down. I keep messing up and forgetting or saying something entirely different,” Seb complained to the circle of people around him, stripping himself of his vest as he prepared for dancing.

“Have you tried recording the lines and playing it while you sleep?” Gina proposed as she stretched. With her and Nina’s somewhat friendship (more like Official Ricky Bullies Alliance) and her being the missing Heather, she had quickly entered their ranks. She was a healthy mix of nice and terrifying, determined and talented. Nina wished she was as effortlessly cool and confident as her. 

“Does that really work?” Seb asked in his gossipy tone, genuinely fascinated. 

Gina shrugged as she went into a split (was there a thing this woman couldn’t do). “I don’t know. I think it’s like an old grandma trick kind of thing.”

“I’ll try it out.”

“I could help you practice your lines,” Ashlyn offered, drinking water from her bottle.

“Really? I’ve been kinda scared to ask Carlos. I don’t want to rub it in, you know?”

“Sure,” Ashlyn nodded, “But I really don’t think Carlos cares. He’s so happy for you.”

“I know,” he sighed, “But it still feels mean.”

“He’d probably be more pissed that you’re trying to shelter him,” Nina countered. “He hates when people think he’s weak.” Seb huffed, nodding a little.

“Are you guys going to the Halloween party next week?” Gina asked as she rised. 

Nina frowned, “There’s a party?” She nodded. “Only Northerners?”

“I mean, normally, but I’m sure bunnies will come too?” The group tensed, stopping their movements to look at her, mouths wide, shocked. It almost looked like she had just slapped them in the face. She winced, “Sorry. Habits and all.”

“It’s fine,” Seb smiled slightly, waving, an air of awkwardness still lingering around them. “We might check it out. There’s also an Easter party, so. We’ll see.”

“You should come,” Gina said, “North High parties are always crazy. We do things big.”

“Do you have a costume?” Ashlyn asked.

“I’m thinking Cleopatra or Juliet. I’m trying to convince Ricky to be my Romeo, although he is not half as attractive as Leo. What about you guys?”

Nina sighed, “I’ve been trying to figure it out for like a week. I have no idea.”

“What vibe do you want to do?”

“I think edgy? It’s like the one time I get to not be myself.”

“What about Veronica? It’d be easy,” Ashlyn proposed.

Nina considered it, letting out a maybe with slight hesitation.

“Me and my boyfriend are going as Rocky Horror and Frank N. Further,” Seb said excitedly.

Gina grinned with glee, “God, that’s so good.” Before Seb could answer, the Heathers were called for Candy Store. They had already learned and ran through the dance once, but Miss Jenn had apparently decided that she hated it and it didn’t work and now they were there back again, a mostly new choreography to try. Nina wished her friends good luck and went back to sit on a chair in a corner.

The one advantage of having two drama teachers was the multitasking. When one was running through a choreography, the other one was directing a scene, or when one was overlooking designs, the other was practicing the songs. Everybody was always busy, always solicited, always involved. However, the Candy Store choreo had already been scratched once and Miss Jenn and Zack felt the need to both be present for the second run through (the resonating bickering proving it), and so Nina didn’t have much to do while they were occupied. 

Most people were still at work, drawing and painting and practicing, but Nina liked to watch it take life, liked to see the busy movements of the room, liked to take in the world she so loved. “I’m EJ,” a boy said, plopping down on the chair beside her. She jumped, turning to look at him in surprise. He was Hollywood handsome, with perfect cheekbones and electric blue eyes. Nina remembered him from the audition. She had thought of him as talented but not fit for JD.

“Hi,” she smiled, a bit awkward. “Nina.”

“I know,” he said, “You’re our lead.”

She nodded faintly, uncomfortable, “Yep. That’s me.”

“I knew you would get Veronica.”

“Really?” She asked with surprise but, to be honest, she was also kind of flattered, 

He nodded, grinning, “You killed that audition. I was like, for sure, I’m gonna act with this girl. Um- well- it was before…” He stammered, blushing.

“Bowen.” She finished.

“Yes, Bowen. He’s good, I guess.”

“You are, too,” she reassured, “it’s just, well, JD despises jocks and all that and you look like what everybody imagines when they try to visualize a football player.”

“I do play football.”

“Oh. That explains it, then.”

He smiled at her, shaking his head, “Yes, I suppose I don’t look like a JD. Which is surprising, considering we have very similar names.”

“Yes. Normally the correlation between names and characters is huge. Completely undeniable. Must be a fluke.” She teased and he nudged her shoulder playfully.

“Don’t make fun of me.” His tone was similar to hers.

“So, theater and football. Isn’t that a lot?”

“Eh. I manage. I'm mostly doing football for my father, actually. Theater is my true passion.”

“How-”

“This isn’t working!” Miss Jenn yelled, throwing her hands in the air. 

“Jenn-”

“No,” she waved him off, “it sucks. All our ideas suck. Candy Store is one of the most iconic songs of the show. Its dance? Unmatched! We need to do better.”

“Okay, we’ll brainstorm-”

“We’ve been brainstorming, Zack. It lead us nowhere. This is a lost cause.”

Zack winced, “I feel like you shouldn’t say that in front of the kids.”

“Don’t tell me what to say,” she screamed, before realization hit her and she shrunk down, sighing and rubbing her forehead. When she opened her eyes again, she had on a guilty look, staring at all the children giving her bewildered looks, bitting her lip. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean that at all. ” Voices quietly answered versions of it’s fine around the room.

“You should get a choreographer,” Gina proposed. “If you’re really struggling.”

Miss Jenn’s face brightened, her usual smile creeping back in, “Gina, you absolute genius.”

“Yes.”

“I know someone,” Seb spoke up. “He’d be great at it.”

“What’s his name?” Zack asked, taking out a pen.

“Um, Carlos Rodriguez. He’s a student but he’s, like, awesome. He’d crush the choreo.”

“Oh, yes,” Gina nodded, “He tried out for the dance team. He was really good. Shocking he didn’t make it.” Nina had a newfound appreciation for Gina.

Zack wrote the name on his hand, “Carlos. Perfect.”

“Well, let’s move on from Candy Store then. Ricky, Nina?” She groaned, as she often did when their names were put together in the same sentence. She stood up and threw a salutation at EJ over her shoulder, before walking to the center of the room as the teens started busying themselves once again.

“Why were you talking to my cousin?” Ashlyn wondered as their paths crossed, head tilted.

“That’s your cousin?”

Ashlyn nodded, “The one and only dumbass.”

“I don’t know, he just came and talked to me,” Nina answered. As Ashlyn opened her mouth to add something, Miss Jenn called her in again and they separated. When she finally arrived, Ricky and her exchanged a quick dirty look.

See, even if students mostly got along these days, there was no way to fix Ricky and Nina’s chemistry (or lack thereof). All scenes were boring and bland and awkward and they always either looked like they would rather be somewhere else or close to tearing the other’s head off. Not very romantic, even for the toxic and murderous couple Veronica and JD. 

To make matters worse, they were at the staging of Our Love Is God, where Veronica cried and JD comforted her. They were supposed to be soft and in love, none of the emotions they were emoting. Nina was crisp, unable to cry, and seemed to tense at his touch. Ricky was bored and uninvolved, no care or worry in his eyes. 

“Hey, are you okay?” Nina tried reciting again after Miss Jenn started the scene all over again. She had tried to add the concern in her voice, but her efforts were kinda ruined by the safe distance she kept between them, unwilling to approach him.

Ricky made a step, more tentative than determined, “What about you?” He was frowning, but the words were more curious than it should have been.

“Awesome,” Nina said, her voice breaking (the only fairly good acting she had done so far), “I’m all about the waterfalls.”

“And then grab her head,” Miss Jenn reminded them before any of them could back out. Ricky was too far away to make this natural, but he made a giant step and grabbed her head, slapping his hands on her cheeks. Nina winced. Miss Jenn sighed silently, scratching her ear before piping up awkwardly, “I know I said grab, Ricky, but I didn’t mean _grab_. Be softer, more gentle. Like a caress. You care about her.”

Ricky sighed and started again, much more tame and pleasant. He let his fingers tentatively graze her cheeks, which was definitely an improvement from the previous sting she had felt. Still, he was holding and looking at her as if she wasn’t there, as if he was practicing with the void, eyes bored. “ _They made you cry_ ,” he started singing. Quickly, Miss Jenn stood up, interrupting him. Immediately, he released Nina, jumping away from her as if burned.

“Okay, this isn’t working. Follow me.” Frowning, they went after her as she walked out of the room.

“This is your fault,” Nina murmured under her breath. “If you could manage to not look so bored every time, we wouldn’t be in trouble.”

“Oh, yeah, cause you never look like you’re annoyed with everything I say.” 

“Glad we agree!” Before Ricky could snap something back, Miss Jenn had stopped dead in her tracks, turning towards them. 

They were in front of an abandoned classroom used for storage. From what she had been told, the students used to be allowed to nap in there if the infirmary judged it necessary, a few beds added in for comfort (it was known as the make-out room and when the problem had been known to the direction they had quickly locked it away. Still, nothing can be locked away from horny teens). 

“Look, I don’t know what’s happening between you two, but it’s definitely a problem. I saw you guys at the audition. I know you have it in you, but you’re definitely hiding it. I say this in the most pedagogical way possible, it’s been _hell_ working with you guys for the past weeks. No offense.” Both of them were definitely confused now. Had they walked all the way over here for a talk? A scolding? “That’s when I had an epiphany." She smiled brightly and the two of them grew scared at the expression. " _Bonding exercises._ ”

Nina frowned. “We already had bonding exercise, though?”

“ _Couple_ bonding exercises.” The teens were flabbergasted, eyes and mouth wide, looking at her both terrified, shocked, and as if she had turned completely crazy. “We need romantic chemistry. Need passion. Need love.” 

“That’s a terrible idea,” Ricky protested.

“I agree!” Nina cried, still not believing it.

Miss Jenn grinned. “See, they’re already bringing you closer together!” She explained to them the four exercises as she unlocked the door, letting them in and warning them about how important they were for the play (sprinkling in some guilt-trip). “Well. I will be uncreepily lurking around. Have fun, kids!” She exclaimed excitedly, closing the door behind her.

Nina was still shocked, opening and closing her mouth. “This isn’t real.” Ricky pinched her, “Ow!” She held her arm, pouting, “What was that for?”

“To prove to you it’s real. God, I’m sorry for helping. Can you _be_ more ungrateful?” He rolled his eyes dramatically.

“Do you think she’ll know if we don’t do it?”

“Unfortunately, yes. Definitely."

Nina sighed, “She’d probably destroy us if we didn’t.”

Ricky shook his head, “Nah, not her. _Zack_ , however.” He sat down on a desk. “So, what was the first exercise?”

“Soul-gazing.”

He made a disgusted face, “Ew, don’t say it like that.”

“That’s how she said it,” Nina exclaimed, pointing at the door. “Don’t be mad at me! I am simply answering the question you asked me.”

Ricky took his phone out, “Two minutes, was it?” She nodded as she walked over to him, plopping down on the desk in front of him. He set the timer. “Okay. We can do this.”

“No laughing,” she warned. 

“Can’t promise anything, with your face and all,” she hit his shoulder and he let out a laugh (and a slight groan. She had hit hard). 

The first thing Nina realized as the timer started was that two minutes was extremely long. Before, it had always seemed like such a short time, something so trivial and unimportant. Didn’t people always exclaim ‘two minutes!’ to express how quick it would take them to get ready, or answer, or arrive? Why did it now, a few seconds into staring into each other’s time, feel like an eternity? Why did every millisecond come by and stayed around, stopping altogether to settle in the space, to mock them as they gazed in silence, before finally passing?

The second thing Nina realized, shortly after, was that she really should’ve argued. This was a terrible idea and she completely regretted not putting more of a fight, not categorically refusing. She had been so afraid of upsetting Miss Jenn, already on her bad side from the poor acting skills she had shown in the past few weeks, that she hadn’t even thought about what the _epiphany_ was and, most importantly, what it _meant_.

The third thing Nina realized, after what felt like hours staring into Ricky’s eyes, was that his eyes weren’t brown but hazel. She had always seen them as coffee, as dirt, as the bark of a tree, as something boring and unimportant and uninteresting (not that she had anything against brown eyes, truly. She had brown eyes. She knew it wasn’t a very exciting eye color from hours of looking at her own mirror). But she had been completely wrong. His eyes were softer than brown, paler, with gold flecks and dark rim surrounding it and unfairly long eyelashes. It had the faintest of green around the center, so subtle she would have never noticed.

The fourth thing Nina realized was that Ricky had beautiful eyes.

If she had to describe how the two minutes went, she would say it was an evolution and that no exact words could truly encapture what had happened. There was no umbrella term because it kept changing, moving. 

At first, she would say awkward. They were just there, looking at each other’s eyes, trying to pretend they weren't. It was as if their eyes ignored what they were looking at, like they chose to snap out and daydream, like the other was see-through. They looked at each other like one would look at an apple, a desk, a phone. Like it was a mere object, unpresent, uninvolved. 

She couldn’t say why or when, couldn’t fully explain it, but then, slowly, her brain started acknowledging what was in front of her, realizing that it was Ricky, that he was a person who had thoughts and feelings and perceptions and eyes (beautiful eyes) that was also looking at her. That he too was there, was experiencing the same thing as her. It’s around there that Nina would say they weren’t really just looking at each other now, but looking _in_ each other’s eyes. 

But things kept changing, and she started to wonder what he was thinking. What he was perceiving. How he felt. She started wanting to know him, wanting to understand him, to crawl into his mind and discover the secrets, not because of him, but because he was a person, a person who she was looking in his eyes, and suddenly it didn’t felt like she was looking at all. It felt like she was _seeing_.

And yet, it didn’t stop here. Because the more she was seeing, the more she understood. He was perplexed and troubled, as if he too was going through the exact same thing as her. He was also soft and gentle, like some guard of his was let down. There was wonder, almost curiosity in his eyes, and he seemed to be searching for the same answers as her, seemed to be trying to unravel all her secrets. Suddenly, she felt understood. She almost wanted to cry, and she didn’t know why, but tears were pooling behind her eyes. He looked as emotional as her, as taken and moved. That’s when she understood the term _soul-gazing_. 

The sound of the timer resonated around the room, louder than it actually was, waking them up from some kind of transe. They jumped, tearing their eyes away from each other for the first time in what felt like an infinity of timelines and generations, like entire histories had been made and forgotten during that time, but what was only two minutes. Two short minutes. They cleared their throats and hummed, shaking, Ricky scratching the back of his head as she played with her fingers. The awkwardness had settled back in.

“Well,” Ricky started and it sounded like he had no idea where to end it, “We did it.” 

Nina nodded, still avoiding his eyes. “Yep. We sure did.”

“Next one?” Ricky quickly changed the conversation, and the mood shifted to their usual uncharged ambiance. Finally, it once again became acceptable to look at each other (but there was no looking in, no seeing, no soul-gazing).

“Sure. Then it’s the seven breaths.”

“Oh. The forehead thing?” Dread overtook her body as she remembered the entirety of the exercise. It flew over her like a wave, fear taking every single one of her limb. She difficulty nodded, her throat too dry to answer.

They found wise to move to one of the makeshift beds, the exercise involving a proximity that two separate desks could not offer, and did so in awkward silence. 

They sat crisscrossed in front of each other, their knees grazing, and they slowly approached each other. Their foreheads touched, light as a feather, almost like a dream. But it wasn't. It was horribly real. They stood there for a second, unmoving, staring. Their breaths were caught in their throats (the opposite of what the exercise entailed) and their bodies were stiff, apprehensive. 

“One,” Nina murmured so softly, no need to speak louder with their proximity. They both inhaled at the same time, air filling their lungs. Nina stopped before Ricky their timing off, and he exhaled before her, forcing her to rush through it to catch up. He giggled shyly. Nina would have never thought to see the day where Ricky Bowen was shy.

“Two,” he said to her, the same tone of voice as hers. She felt his words on her skin as she spoke and she almost shivered. They breathed together at the same time, but they were still out of synch.

It was by the fourth breath that they truly got it. Without words, without explanation, they inhaled and held and exhaled together, at the same time, in perfect harmony. There was an unexpected connection, no idea where it came from, but undeniably there, between them, between the intimate space they shared. And as deep breathings and comfort do, Ricky and Nina relaxed, stress and fear leaving their shoulders.

When the last breath was expired, emptying their lungs, Nina realized how close their faces was and rapidly moved away, blushing. “Two down,” she piped up, fake glee and enthusiasm in her voice.

The third exercise was cuddling (hence the make out room) and they laid down side by side. Years, months, weeks ago, you would have to shoot both of them to have them lie on their backs around each other, and the only way to have them cuddling would have been pushing them in a very tight coffin, six feet under. Hell, fifteen minutes ago, they would have preferred gotten shot than do any of it. But something had happened in these last fifteen minutes and there was some sort of comfortability, of easiness, of intimacy between them. It didn’t feel weird to be laying on the same bed together, to be so close.

Ricky raised his arm, silently inviting her, and she buried her head in the nook of his shoulder, turning on her side. She could feel the warmth of his body under the face and she remembered vaguely a time when it had disgusted her, when she had wanted nothing more than to get away from it. She liked his warmth now, liked how it surrounded her, how she could feel it invading her body. Liked hearing and feeling his breathing, slow and deep, in synch with hers. Tentatively, she laid her arm on his chest (that she had previously awkwardly kept at her side), waiting for him to recoil and tense at her touch. Instead, it almost seemed like he didn’t notice. Under her palm, she could feel his heart beating wildly, and she realized hers was doing the same. They shared a warmth, shared a breath, shared an heartbeat. Just as uncertain as her, Ricky snaked his arm around her, his fingers grasping her upper arm. Nina hid her face more, nestling it against his shoulder, a grin escaping her lips. She closed her eyes. She felt good, at peace, so comfortable she could fall asleep.

“We should do the last exercise,” he said, his voice low and husky. 

“Yeah…” she whispered, eyes still closed. None of them moved. “You start,” she pressed, nudging him. She was sure he smiled and rolled his eyes in return.

“Fine,” he accepted, his voice playful, as if she had been begging him. “Five things I like about you…” he said pensively, his voice trailing as he reflected. Years, months, weeks, twenty-five minutes ago, Ricky would have said something mean. An insulting comment about how there was nothing to like, or how hard the exercise was, or how unfair it was for him because of how easy she had it. She would have gave it right back, venom spilling from her tongue, and they would have never answered the question. But things were not how they were years, months, weeks, twenty-five minutes ago, and so Ricky said, “I like how you’re resilient.” 

Nina was kind of surprised at his answer. She thought she was a lot of things, both good and bad (often bad), but definitely not resilient. She didn’t think anyone would ever see her that way.

“Your turn,” he said.

“You didn’t say five things,” she countered.

“And yet, it’s still your turn. Life works in mysterious ways.” She rolled her eyes, the motion losing itself under her lids.

She thought long and hard about her answer. “I like how you’re carefree, even if it annoys me. I wish I was like you, wish I could just let go sometimes.”

“I like that you’re nice, even if it’s not with me,” he teased her. “I see how you are with your friends. You’re caring and kind and always there, and I think that’s pretty cool.” She smiled happily. If there was one thing she could admit about herself, it was that she was a good friend.

“I like that you’re unapologetic about being yourself.”

“I like your wit.”

“Me too. I like yours, I mean.”

“I like that you speak your mind even if you’re nice. You don’t let people walk over you.”

“I do, though,” Nina contradicted, frowning a little.

“Not with me,” Ricky countered.

“You’re different,” she said lowly and she realized as she said it how true it was. “I like that you’re different.”

“I like your smile,” he said cheekily.

“I like your eyes.” Nina answered before opening hers, looking up at him to realize he was already staring at her. They exchanged a look, one like many they had had in this room.

“Yeah?” He murmured, so soft she almost didn’t hear him.

“Yeah.” She affirmed gently, smiling at him. 

She shifted a little, moving from her side to her back, staring at the ceiling in silence. They stayed there for who knows how long. Time wasn’t real in here, between them.

When they eventually left the room, Miss Jenn was there to meet them, a proud and happy smile on her lips. They didn’t talk, but they didn’t need to. Something had switched between them, something so obvious their drama teacher could feel it.

Back in the classroom, they started the same scene all over again.

“Hey, are you okay?” Nina said as she walked up to him. She looked sad and upset, tears prickling her eyes. Her voice, however, was soft and caring, concern piercing through. 

Ricky was clearly pissed, his body tense and angry. But when he looked at her, his face softened, letting out, “What about you?” It sounded concerned.

A few tears slipped as Nina smiled sarcastically, “Awesome.” It looked painful for Ricky to see her like this, looked like he cared, looked like he wanted to burst. “I’m all about the waterfalls.” 

Ricky cradled her face, stepping even closer to her, “ _They made you cry_ ,” he softly caressed her cheek, drying a tear away as he continued singing. His words were angry and filled with rage, but his tone loving. He looked like he suffered just seeing her like this. “ _Our love is God_."

Nina grabbed his face back, holding him like he was a prized possession, staring at him like he was her world, “Are you okay?” She pressed.

He separated from her, dislodging themselves as he sang about his troubled past, tears eventually spilling from his eyes too. He looked back at her, “ _You’re not alone_.”

“ _You’re not alone_.” She caressed his shoulder reassuringly.

His body turned towards hers. “ _And when the morning comes_.” 

“ _When the morning comes_ ,” she grabbed his hand.

He grabbed back her other one, tightening his hold. “ _We’ll burn that tear, and raise our city here…_

“ _Raise our city here…_ ”

As they stared into each other eyes, they sang at the same time, “ _Our love is God._ ” Far away, they could vaguely hear people clap.


	6. chapter six

Nina, after much consideration, pinterest pinning and complaining, had decided to go as Morticia Addams. Ashlyn had loved the idea and excitedly proposed to make it a couple costume. They had gone thrifting together at the very last minute, Kourtney tagging along more for emotional support and casual shopping than costume finding (she had decided to show off her makeup skill by doing a SFX makeup look, simply putting on one of her mom’s old dresses to complete it). Nina was coerced and convinced by her friends to buy this black dress, a bit too revealing for her usual comfort. It was long sleeved and hit at her ankles, but it hugged her curves and had a thigh slit and a somewhat plunging neckline. It was, however, completely Morticia and she had bought it semi-begrudgingly. Ashlyn had found a striped black suit, already having a white dress shirt and a tie at home. 

Before the parties, the entire group had met up at Ashlyn’s house, preparing themselves together. They had all mostly waited after their faces were done to start drinking, giggling loudly as Ashlyn messed up her moustache. 

Kourtney had prepared herself early, her makeup needing too much material and time, plus knowing she would have to give a helping hand to her clueless friends, and she had started her work with Carlos, giving him a goth drag makeup look, not entirely like the one in the movie but close enough that it was immediately recognizable. Seb had helped Ashlyn sleek her hair back, laughing as he added more gel to it. The redhead had managed to carve her face with bronzer to give herself more masculine features. 

Kourtney had then jumped to Nina, giving her another dramatic goth makeup, but mostly focusing it on a dark eyelook and bright red lipstick. Seb and Carlos had went to put on their costumes during that time, coming back out with gold shorts (much longer and lose than the ones in The Rocky Horror Picture Show) and a black corset with tights and heels respectively. The girls had cheered loudly while they paraded in front of them. 

Carlos had insisted on making Halloween cocktails, which consisted of blood red colorant, juice, and way too much alcohol. He had mixed rum and tequila together. “It’s what makes it deadly,” he had said. Nonetheless, his friends had happily drank, leaving for the parties with red cheeks and giggles. 

The East High party was fun but the reminder of what North High’s had looked like always lurked over their head and, a few hours later, they had called a uber and gone North. 

“You’re here!” Gina screamed as she saw them arrive, hugging them while trying to balance her drink. She was dressed in a long white dress and gold jewelry, dark eyeliner surrounding her eyes and dreads flowing from her head. She had a crown and she looked absolutely magnificent. “You guys look incredible,” she said excitedly.

“So do you!” Nina screamed over the loud music, “Cleopatra after all?”

“Yes, giving the people the black representation they deserve.” She sighed, “And Ricky didn’t want to be Romeo. He came with a lame costume instead. He _sucks_.”

“Cleopatra is so much better though,” Kourtney gushed, “You don’t need that white boy.”

“Amen, sister. I say that all the time.” She took Ashlyn’s hand and walked them deeper into the party. When they emerged in the kitchen, Ricky was standing there with a ginger guy she had seen around at practice, drinking a beer. She felt her cheeks warm as her eyes set on him, but it was probably just the warm temperature, so contrasting from outside’s end of october one.

Ricky had came as John Bender from The Breakfast Club, rocking a red flannel and a jean jacket. The ginger was dressed as Ariel with a purple shells bra, green skirt that touched the ground and no wig. When the curly haired boy turned around and noticed her, she almost believed, for a split second, that his eyes trailed up and down her body. Obviously, she must had seen things. He smiled, waving at them. 

“Nice costumes,” Seb grinned as they walked over.

“Please,” Gina scoffed, “that’s because I forced him to wear on3.” She pointed her thumb in Ricky’s direction. “This loser was literally gonna wear a white shirt written ‘error, costume not found’ on it.”

“You’re so lame,” Nina judged, mocking, but it was all playful and friendly and Ricky smirked back at her.

“You look good,” he said, taking a sip from his beer. She blushed, hoping the low light and the makeup and her already flushed skin was enough to cover it.

“That’s not what your supposed to say,” she exclaimed, “that’s not how this works!.” He shrugged.

“You do look fucking hot,” Gina affirmed, walking over to her to snake an arm around her shoulder. “It’s not his fault there’s not a bad thing to say about you.” 

“I’m Big Red,” the ginger cut in, waving at them, “by the way.” The group gave back ‘nice to meet you’s and ‘I’ve seen you around’ and their names

They all fell in comfortable chitchat, making jokes about the play, their teachers, Halloween, the party and whatever conversation they thought of. Soon, they all had a new drink in their hands and were falling over laughing, almost to tears (unclear if anything said was actually funny or they were drunk).

“Okay, okay,” Ashlyn calmed everyone down, still smiling, “I gotta ask though,” she said seriously. “Big Red?” Laughs resonated once again around her.

“It’s a family name,” the concerned explained, saying it as if it was a completely valid justification.

“I’m sorry, what?” Carlos said. “You’re saying more than one person in your family is called _Big Red_?”

“Two more.” Big Red raised them two fingers to support his point.

Ricky threw an arm over his shoulder, “Big Red the Third,” he cheered. 

“I can’t say my questions have been answered,” Ashlyn shook her head slightly, raising her drink, “But to Big Red the third!”

“To Big Red the third!” They all yelled, gulping down their drinks.

“So,” Gina asked, sliding closer to Nina. Everybody had slowly left the group, Ricky and Big Red had been called to play a game of beer pong, Seb had spotted a friend amidst the crowd and had excitedly gone to greet them, tugging Carlos along, Kourtney and Ashlyn had heard their favorite song, squealing before moving away to the dance floor, their hips swinging to the beat. “What’s up with you and Ricky?” 

Nina choked, blushing furiously. “What do you mean?” She tried to sound both confused and innocent. She was drunk, so there was no way to be sure she had been successful, but she hoped Gina was too gone to be perceiving. 

“It’s different between you two now,” she answered simply, shrugging.

“No it’s not,” the brunette was a bit too defensive to be casual. She couldn’t help it, with the events of the makeout room playing back in her mind (who, strangely from how flustered they got her, did not involve the name of the room at all). Things were certainly different now (she would never admit it out loud).

“Huh-huh,” Gina smiled playfully, not believing her at all. “Sure.”

“Well,” Nina stammered, “What about you and Ricky? Or should I say _Romeo_?”

“Me and… Girl, I’m a lesbian, what the fuck are you talking about?” 

“Oh. Forget I said anything.”

Gina burst into laughters, hitting her chest, “You thought something was going on between me and Ricky? Ew. I can’t believe it. Wait until I tell him…” She trailed still laughing, tears in the corners of her eyes, turning around to search for him.

“Don’t,” Nina quickly said, jumping up.

She turned back to look at her, a smirk on her lips, knowing, “That was a poor attempt at changing the subject, by the way.”

“It would’ve been great if you were into boys.” Nina affirmed. 

She shook her head, taking a sip of her drink. “I'm not that easily distracted. And I’m gay. So,” she said again, taking a step closer, “what’s going on between you and Ricky?”

Nina panicked, eyes wide, unable to find a way out, “Oh, what’s that?” She yelled, turning her ear to the crowd of people. “Someone’s calling me. I gotta go.” She started walking away.

“No one’s calling you!” Gina contradicted, shaking her head.

Nina was still walking, “I can’t hear you, but it was nice talking to you! I gotta go!”

“Nina!” But she had already turned, fleeing the scene.

She hid herself for a while in the crowd of sweaty dancing people, trying to partake without falling over herself. She knew she looked more like a spaz than anything, but she still enjoyed the moment, screaming the lyrics as loud as she could (even if it was the wrong ones. Confidence over knowledge). When she spotted Gina making her way towards the dance floor, surely to show off her skills, Nina slipped away subtly, entering the dining room. 

“Nini,” Ricky exclaimed excitedly when he spotted her. He was at the end of the table, in front of a triangle of cups of beers, missing his jean jacket, and he waved her over. She walked over, somewhat suspicious. “Perfect timing, Big Red abandoned me. I hate him. He’s not my best friend anymore.” A wide grin cracked his skull, a chilling difference from his previous annoyed tone, “You, however, can play with me.”

“I don’t know…” She hesitated, looking at the table.

He gave her his puppy dog eyes, pouting, “Come on....” He pressed, “Please.” Her heart warmed for unknown reasons.

“Fine,” she rolled her eyes and he let out a sound close to a squeal, a wide smile finding its way back to his lips, “But I’m so bad at beer pong.”

“Eh, who cares,” he threw an arm over her shoulder, bringing her to his side as he announced to the rest of the room, “Guys, this is Nini. She’s my partner. We’re kicking your ass.”

“Bold words for someone whose partner just warned them that she sucked.” A man piped up and Ricky gave him the finger.

“I have enough skills for the both of us,” he retorted, oozing sass and confidence. Nina laughed and he looked back at her in wonder as he heard the sound, almost as if he just remembered she was there. “She’s only here for the pretty view.”

She scoffed, “Rude. I’m much more than my devastating beauty.”

“Right, sure,” he said playfully and she opened her mouth in fake offense, elbowing him in the stomach. He groaned.

“This is why I hate you.”

“Oh yeah?” He egged her on, his face getting closer, “I thought it was my personality.”

“You’re a complex and multifaceted individual,” she said back to him the same words he used at their audition, “I can hate you for a multitude of reasons.”

“You’re so obsessed with me,” he murmured with a smile.

She rolled her eyes, “I think it’s the opposite, budd-” Before she could finish the word, a sound of splashing broke them apart as a ping pong ball made contact with the beer inside a cup. The guys at the other side of the table cheered loudly.

“That doesn’t count,” Ricky yelled, frowning and defensive, “It hadn’t started yet.”

The boys laughed, “Well, if you two weren’t flirting, you wouldn’t have missed it, pretty boy.” One of them said.

Ricky narrowed his eyes, dismantling himself from Nina to pick the ball up from the cup, “Oh, it’s on.” He said menacingly, but they just laugh in his face. Ricky downed the drink, pushing aside the cup, before throwing the ball back, making it. Nina jumped happily, cheering.

“Finally catching up, Bowen?” 

“I gave you a head start to give you losers a chance. Be grateful, dickheads.”

The game was mostly between Ricky and the boys, Nina missing almost all of her shots. The curly boy still cheered for her, encouraging her whenever it was her turn, but there was no fixing her aim. It had never been her strength, especially now that her brain was fuzzy with booze. She still smiled and laughed and screamed whenever their teams scored, enjoying Ricky’s company way more than she had expected. 

“Come on, Nini!” He shook her shoulders excitedly, “You can do this!” She focused on the cups, narrowing her eyes and sticking her tongue out as she threw the ball, landing it for the first time since the game started. She screamed, turning around to look at Ricky, the same expression on his face. 

She threw herself in his arms and he picked her up, spinning her, “You did it! You’re the best!” She laughed, tightening her arms around his neck, before he finally put her back down. “You’re not useless after all,” he said playfully, and she smacked his chest, still unable to wipe the grin off her face.

They ended up losing anyhow and Ricky spent a good five minutes fighting with the other boys about it, bickering loudly as they rubbed it in his face. “No, _you_ guys suck!” He exclaimed and she laughed at his poor comeback. 

“Come on,” she tugged at his arm, “let’s lose with dignity,” he sighed and let himself be led away, throwing a few insults over his shoulder. 

“I hate them,” he said solemnly.

“Aren’t they your friends?” 

He nodded. “Yes. We skate together. I love them with all my heart.”

“You’re a confusing man, Bowen.”

“Stop,” he waved her off dramatically, “you’ll stroke my ego.”

“And God knows you have enough of it already,” she mocked. 

Their feet ended up bringing them outside, more of an intuitive thing than any of them wanting to. The sound was dramatically less loud, relief to their ears, and the air cooler against their overheated skin. They sighed happily. There were a few other people chatting in the backyard, mostly smoking, but they did not join them. 

“I can’t believe you came,” he said as he turned towards her.

She frowned. “Why?”

A fake guessing expression crept on his face, looking pensive, “Mmh, I don’t know, maybe the Northerner party, mortal enemy thing.”

“Right,” Nina nodded, “Gina invited us. Plus, I’ll give it to you guys, you sure know how to throw a party.” A wide grin spread on his face and she immediately regretted saying it.

“Say that again?”

“No.”

“No worries,” he teased, “I have an excellent memory. I will not be forgetting this.”

Nina rolled her eyes, “You’re too drunk to remember anything,” she bit back.

He shook his head playfully, “Believe me, I will remember the time Nina Salazar-Roberts gave a Northerner a compliment,” he said, stopping for a second before adding, “without being forced to.” Seriousness settled between the two of them as they stared into each other’s eyes, remembering the makeout room and the compliments they had exchanged, laying in each other’s arms. There was an intensity in their eyes as they stood there without talking, something they often seemed to do these days.

“Well, it’s the payback for the compliment you gave me earlier,” she said lowly. “Tit for tat.”

He smiled, “Is that how this works now?” There was something charged in the words.

“It seems to work,” she answered truthfully, shrugging. He considered it carefully.

“It does,” he agreed. “Tell me something about yourself,” he continued enthusiastically, things becoming light and playful between them again.

“That’s such a hard question.”

“No it’s not,” he laughed, shaking his head, almost mocking.

“It is, though,” she pressed. “Like, every time someone asks me something about myself, I can never remember anything. When people ask me the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to me, I can never answer. I know there’s many, I think about them all the time, but I just completely forget. Blank. It’s the same now.”

“Okay, but, how many people ask you the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to you? Like, is that a common thing?”

“Extremely common,” she assured. “Guess you don’t have friends.”

“What,” he exclaimed, offended, “Because no one asked my most embarrassing moment I don’t have friends?”

“Exactly,” she reaffirmed, before giving him an apologetic look, “Sorry, though, that sucks for you.”

He rolled his eyes, “You’re so lame, Salrob.”

“This is an attack! I’m telling you what no one has had the heart to tell you for years and this is how you repay me?” 

“It is,” he said, bending his upper body slightly, “What are you gonna do about it?” He tilted his head, a smirk displaying on his lips. 

Nina knew what words like that could lead to (she had read many fanfictions in her younger days. Plus that tumblr post that always got around? You know the one?) and so she blushed, looking away as she changed the subject, “So. What’s the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to you?” 

He stood straighter, “God, there is so many, I am an idiot-”

“I know.”

He threw her a look, “Ha-ha. Hilarious. Okay, so, I was a sophomore and it was Valentine’s Day and there was this girl that I had a huge crush on for like months so, obviously, I want to ask her out. But I’m really dumb and I don’t know how so instead I take this like singing thing the school offered? Like, you pay 10 dollars and they go to the person and sing to them and then ask them out for you? Anyway, I pay for it and then I tell Gina and she’s like ‘Ricky, she has a boyfriend’.”

“Oh no…” Nina laughed, putting her hand on her mouth, apprehensive.

“So I go to a guy I know who does the singing service and I ask him to cancel it, freaking out, telling him everything. And he says that it’s too late and there’s nothing he can do about it. So the class I told them to go to comes around and I’m just praying for them not to have time to get to me. There’s 10 minutes left of the class. The door opens, and not one, but three people, _including the guy I talked to_ who’s smiling and way too happy, come in and start setting up. They say the name of the girl and play this cheesy song and she blushes because she thinks her boyfriend is doing this. And then the guy says ‘do you want to be Ricky Bowen’s valentine?’ and I want the world to burn. Everyone is staring at me now. She tells me she has a boyfriend and I say that I didn’t know it then and that I’m sorry, but I’ve never been more mortified in my entire life.”

“I’m-” Nina started, laughing, “How did you not know she had a boyfriend? You liked her for months!”

“I was delusional!” He defended.

She shook her head, “I can’t believe you.”

He smiled, “Your turn.”

“Did you forget this whole thing started because I said I couldn’t think of embarrassing things when prompted?” She raised her eyebrows questioningly, some judgement in her voice.

“Come on, you had time to think, I know you thought of something.”

She reflected, humming, “Well, one time in choir practice, I threw up on this very hot guy. Like, I was standing on the second row, and he was right in front of me, and I didn’t feel good, and I just…. threw up on him. Just, bleh.” She got her point across by acting out vomit with her hands. 

“Literally _on _him."__

____

“He did not appreciate. After that he kept sending me weird looks, like I would barf on him any minute.”

____

“Understandably so,” Ricky conceded. “So that’s why you quit choir,” he joked.

____

“There was no recovering from this.” She said gravely. 

____

People came out to the backyard and Ricky and Nina were kind of in the way, standing in front of the door, so they apologized and adventured themselves deeper in the land, getting off the porch. 

____

“Look, flowers!” Nina said excitedly, running to this hidden garden under a tree. She kneeled over and played with the petal of this pink flower. “I wish I could grow things. They always die.”

____

“Get a cactus,” Ricky proposed as he sat against the tree. 

____

Nina sighed sadly, “I kill those too.”

____

“Literally how?”

____

She threw him an angry look, “Stop rubbing it in. The wound still hurts.” He raised his arms in peace. She focused back on the flowers, smiling dumbly as she looked at them.

____

“You never told me something about yourself.”

____

Nina looked at him, “I kill plants. There you go.”

____

“Don’t be boring."

____

She rolled her eyes, crawling to sit beside him. “I don’t know how to bike,” she admitted.

____

“What?” Ricky exclaimed, whipping his head towards her in shock. “How?”

____

“I don’t know!” She cried, “I just never learned. And I’ve been doing excellent without it, so clearly I don’t need it.”

____

“Biking is cool, though.” He countered.

____

“So is acid, I’m still not gonna do it.”

____

Ricky furrowed his eyebrows, “I feel like you went 0-100 real fast here. First of all, you think acid is cool?”

____

“The trip must be fun if it wasn’t, you know, acid. I stand by what I said.” She explained, “This girl told me she started speaking to trees. Like, really understood them. They connected and were on the same wavelength and all.”

____

“Nini, you can talk to trees now, without the acid. Look,” He looked back on the one they were sitting against, “Hi, handsome. How are you doing? Have you been working out? You’ve been extra sturdy lately.”

____

“You’re so fucking weird,” Nina laughed. “Your turn, tell me something about yourself.”

____

“I hate fruits.”

____

She looked at him, her face inexplicably blank. “You know, I always felt that you were humanity’s weakest link, but I could never fully explain why. Now I know.”

____

“Fruits are weird to hold and juice goes everywhere and they go bad in five seconds if you cut them and they’re wet and there is so many things wrong with it. Fruits are wrong.”

____

“I wonder everyday how natural selection hasn’t taken its toll on you yet.”

____

“I’m too pretty,” he answered cheekily. “Can I tell you secret?” He whispered in conspiracy, getting closer to her face.

____

“Yes,” she whispered back.

____

On the same decibel, he said, “I hooked up with EJ.”

____

“No fucking way!” She screamed and he shushed her. “I cannot believe it.”

____

“Believe it.”

____

“He doesn’t seem like your type,” she said, disbelief and shock still lacing her voice.

____

He frowned, smiling, “What do you think my type is?”

____

“I don’t know. Weird, lame people like you.” Ricky raised an eyebrow and looked her up and down slowly and Nina felt her skin warm. She blushed. “Not EJ,” she added.

____

“Well, I guess he was,” he shrugged.

____

“How was it?” Nina asked in her gossipy tone, her face getting closer to his as she bit her lip in excitement.

____

“Good,” he said. “Also weird?” He then added, confused. “Like, the sex was good, but the situation weird. We never really talked after that.”

____

Nina shook her head in shock, “You had sex with EJ Caswell.”

____

“I did.”

____

She smirked, “How big was he?”

____

“Nini!” Ricky cried in affront, “I can’t believe you just asked that.” He laughed. 

____

“A girl wonders,” she defended, before sitting back down, “A great secret. Who knows?”

____

“Only Big Red. Gina would definitely mock me for eternity if I told her. And I’m not that close with my other friends to, like, talk about my sex life, you know?” She nodded comprehensively. “So, tell me a secret.”

____

“Bold of you to assume that I have a secret,” she claimed. “Or that I would tell you.”

____

“Isn’t this how things work now, though?” Ricky countered, “Tit for tat.”

____

She narrowed her eyes, lips twitching, considering him. “Okay.” She let out a breath, twisting her body to be directly in front of him. “I had a crush on Carlos’ older brother when I was fifteen and at some point we made out and I was so happy and I told him I liked him and he said ‘Oh. Okay’ and then stood up and _left_. I still haven’t told anyone. I mean, except you, now, at this very second.”

____

“And that didn’t make your most embarrassing moment list?” She hit his shoulder. 

____

“I was more embarrassed by the vomiting on the hottest guy of choir in front of everyone than getting rejected by a guy in his basement.”

____

“Why didn’t you tell anyone?”

____

Nina cried out, “Because it was embarrassing!”

____

“Ha-ha,” he pointed to her.

____

She rolled her eyes, “Plus, I didn’t want to make things weird. And I knew if I told one of my friends it would come out at some point, maybe years down the line, to make fun of me and at that time I really didn’t want that. And now it would be weird to tell them. It’s too late.” Ricky nodded.

____

A comfortable silence settled between them. Ricky stared at her, serious. He seemed deep in thoughts, like his mind wasn’t fully registering her. He opened then closed his mouth before finally saying, “I have a crazy idea.”

____

“What?”

____

He looked at her again without saying anything, tracing with his eyes her face. He seemed to be in deep consideration. “Nevermind,” he said, his head turning away from her.

____

“What,” she cried, sitting straighter, “You can’t do that!”

____

“Do what?”

____

“That,” Nina gestured towards him, “I wanna know.”

____

“Nah,” he shook his head teasingly.

____

“Tell me.” She tried to be threatening but by the look he gave her it didn’t work.

____

Ricky’s face neared her again, smiling, patronizingly saying, “What are you gonna do? Make me?”

____

She narrowed her eyes, unmoving, “Tell me.” She repeated.

____

“A good argument. No.”

____

“I hate you.”

____

Ricky pouted dramatically, “You break my heart, Nini.”

____

“Come on,” she nudged him. “You can’t just say you have an idea and not say the idea. That’s teasing.”

____

He cocked his head. “What’s in it for me?”

____

She stared at him, biting her lip, trying to figure out what to offer him. “I won’t tell Gina you hooked up with EJ.” Nina finally said, a determined look on her face.

____

“Blackmail?” He said and he almost sounded proud. “You stoop so low, Nini.”

____

“But did it work?”

____

He smiled, “Fine. But it’s a bad idea. Prepare yourself mentally.”

____

“God, just say it already,” she rolled her eyes.

____

“I’m just warning you.”

____

“At this point, climate change will destroy us all before you tell me anything, which is really happening quicker than-”

____

Ricky cut, “I think we should kiss now before we have to do it in the show.”

____

“Huh?” Her mouth and eyes were wide, not expecting any type of answer like that.

____

He sighed, “I told you to prepare yourself mentally. You shunned me, but I was right.”

____

“Back to the kissing part,” Nina reminded him, trying to process what he had just said.

____

“I’m just saying,” he shrugged. “It’s gonna be awkward to do it in front of Zach and Miss Jenn for the first time and that’s if they’re nice enough not to do it with all the other students.”

____

“That’s a terrible idea,” Nina exclaimed, still shocked. She had not thought about Dead Girl Walking since she had been casted (their teachers feeling like staging the song later on would be a better idea), keeping it far away from her mind, brushing it off if it decided to crawl back into her brain. Kissing Ricky. That’s also a thought she had been ignoring. It was impossible to avoid them now.

____

“I know! I told you. Literally, do you not listen when I-” Nina pressed her lips against his before he could say anything else, separating immediately after. It had been as quick as a millisecond, blink and you’d miss it, but it had definitely happened because their lips tingled from the touch. “Oh.” Ricky looked as surprised as she had been to the idea, looking at her as if she had grown a second head. 

____

She stayed there, close to his face, unmoving, looking in his eyes. “So what are you thinking?”

____

“I’m- huh?” 

____

“I said, what are you-” But just like her, Ricky kissed her, cutting her off. 

____

There was something kind of natural about kissing Ricky, something so easy that she simply closed her eyes and leaned into him without thinking, feeling him smile in answer. It was gentle and innocent, felt like childhood kisses and awkward firsts, tasted like sun and sweet. She felt him grab the back of her neck, felt him tug her closer and felt herself yearn for it. But when he opened his mouth and deepened the kiss, tilting his head to get a better angle, it was only explosions that she felt, bombs setting off in her body, a violent war raging on. She looped her arms around his neck, too much space still separating them, too much that she missed him when he was right there. 

____

Their mouths moved in waves, a rush coming back to her every time they reentwined. There was fire pooling in her stomach and a need to release it. She grew desperate, kissing him harder and faster and tugging at his curls. Her brain numbed, simply screaming his name in a loop, and she almost couldn’t believe a time when she wasn’t kissing Ricky Bowen. 

____

And yet it wasn’t enough, couldn’t feel enough of him, so she raised herself to her knees and threw her leg over his lap, sitting down. He sighed and let his hands travel down to her hips, pulling her closer to him, kissing her back with more fervor. She felt hot lava coursing her veins, felt it invade her body and burn bright inside of her. It was hot and demanding, begging for more, pleading for relief. She drew him near her, still too far away. He tasted like booze and the watermelon juice he mixed it with and she forced herself to engrave it in her mind. Forced herself to remember the feel of his hand grabbing her hips, the feel of his soft curl between her fingers, the sensation of fire in her body, devouring her from the inside, screaming to be let out and burn everything around, everything in the world that wasn't them because if it wasn’t them it didn’t matter, the way his soft lips felt against hers, pressing and urgent and hungry. 

____

He let his lips travel down to her neck, kissing and biting there with care, and she caught herself moaning. And although her entire body and soul was only filled with Ricky, she sensed a thought forming around, a thought she didn’t want to think and, afraid the oxygen was creating all this, she forced his head back to her and kissed him. Kissed him harder than before, rough and intense, trying to chase the thought away. He groaned and the sound went directly into her, woke up the parts of her she didn’t even know where dormant, and she reminded herself to remember that sound too. And yet, it was not enough to keep the thought away. 

____

Slowly, she realized this was a complete mistake, a dumb idea only teenagers with their hormones and not fully developed brains would ever think of, and everything was less exciting, less heated. She broke apart from Ricky, releasing his hair from her grip, eyes still closed, breathing heavy.

____

“Well,” she heard him say but she kept her eyes close a bit longer. _Remember the way he tasted_. 

____

When she opened her eyes, she found him looking at her, his eyes dark, his chest heavy, his mouth painted by the remnants of her lipstick, “Well.” _Remember his touch_.

____

“Much to think about.” She pursed her lips, frowning, confused by the entire thing. _Remember the feel of his curls_.

____

“We’re so dumb.” _Remember the touch of his lips._

____

“Yeah...” Ricky agreed, some shame in his voice. _Remember the sound of his groan leaving his lips._

____

“You more than me, though, since you’re the one who thought of it.” _Remember the way he made you feel inside._

____

“Fuck you!” Ricky exclaimed, laughing. The words settled in her brain and she realized her position. Blushing slightly, she hopped off of him, suddenly feeling so cold. He winced as he looked at her and she frowned back. “I really did a number on your neck. Yikes.” _Remember his lips on your skin._

____

“Well.” _Remember the kiss_.

____

“We already said that.” _Remember him._

____

“I should go,” she stood up quickly, not sparing him a glance as she fled. _Really, there was no point in remembering, she would never forget._

____

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m pretty sure i’ve never written a kiss scene in my life (or like maybe when i was ten and i just ‘and then we kissed’) so sorry if it sucked haha


	7. chapter seven

“You’re such a dick!”

“Wow. Are you gonna wash your tongue after this?”

“I'll wash my brain from any memory of you.”

“Can't wait! Maybe then you would stop being such a _bitch_.”

“What is your definition of a bitch? Someone who doesn't let you get away with everything? Someone you calls you out on your _bullshit_? Someone who bruises your fragile male ego?”

“Someone who thinks they rule the world and can't handle being in the wrong because of their own fragile ego?”

“I do _not_ think I rule the world-”

“How do you know I was talking about you then?”

“Okay,” Miss Jenn screamed, her voice breaking the two apart. Their heads whipped to her, as if just now coming back to their bodies, realizing where they even were and who their audience was. Miss Jenn had a crisp smile, wide horrified eyes betraying her true emotion, and everyone seemed to be uncomfortably staring at them. “I think we can move past the wrong turn thing.”

Nina rolled her eyes, huffing. “I don’t _need_ to move past it. I made the right turn.”

Ricky threw her a judgemental look. “You’re literally the only one who’s still hung up on this.” Nina, who had professionally been adressinf Miss Jenn, twisted towards him again, a new fire burning deep in her stomach.

“I know you have this whole nonchalant, too cool for school thing going on, but _I_ actually _care_ about things.” 

“Here you go again judging people you know nothing about.”

“I know enough!”

“Literally name one thing you know about me.” 

Nina's head cocked, a sheepish smile on her face. Ricky's mistake seemed to dawn on him, and he opened his mouth to throw another line. Unfortunately, Nina was much too quick. “I know you're an asshole. I know you have no taste. I know you forget lines and make wrong turns.” That could be it, but Nina was enraged, ready to spew more venom out of her mouth. With a cruel smile, she continued on. "I know you had to take summer classes for every single one of your math classes. I know all your girlfriends dumped you. I know you're too scared to ask a boy out. I know you-"

“You know I have beautiful eyes." The wind was knocked from Nina and she gasped, her breath catching. Terror overtook her features as memories of the room and his arms and his words and his eyes replayed in her mind. She knew she had went too far, but she would have never thought he would use this moment against her. From the smug smirk on his face, he did not care one bit about using their moment of vulnerability, of truce, of friendship, as a weapon.

“You're such a dick.” There was no fire to her words.

His eyes brightened with victory. "I believe you've already said that.”

“I just know with your level of intellect I need to _really_ repeat things for them to-”

“When Jenn said let’s move past the wrong turn thing,” Zach spoke up, more serious and menacing than Miss Jenn could ever be with her smiles and peppy attitude, “She did _not_ mean let’s start the entire fight again. Sorry if you guys misunderstood over the volume of your unprofessionalism.” Nina blushed furiously, looking down at her shoes. She had once again forgotten the audience watching them as if they were wild animals at the circus. “Let’s start the song again.” She walked back to her initial position, fuming. She felt the prying eyes of students clinging against her skin and she tried to not let it get to her. It was all her fault, really, afterall Nina had made a spectacle of herself, but she did not welcome the unwanted attention.

After Halloween, once the daze of alcohol and shock had gone away and Nina and Ricky had fully realized what had happened between them (a thing she had branded The Halloween Mishap in an effort to never completely acknowledge it), they had no other way to react than falling back on their default setting. Fights, anger and hatred. The Halloween Mishap had shocked the very foundations of everything they were and everything they were building and they had no other choice than to rely on the sturdiest pillar of their somewhat messy relationship.

So they screamed about notes and conversations and throwaway lines and singing and wrong turns. Anything they heard or saw that they could think up a witty insult for quick enough. It was easy and familiar, known. 

The instrumentals of Shine A Light rang again and Nina readied herself, feeling Ricky's anger radiating beside her. The other dancers, clearly awkward with the whole situation, moved around the room tensily. Carlos was looking at them with pursed lips from his chair beside the teachers, a faint disapproving shake of the head. Nina felt his judgement on her back, sticking on her like sweat. She was mortified and ashamed, dancing around knowing everyone was thinking about her, everyone was watching her closely. She wished they would look away, wished she could crawl this feeling off her skin. She was breathing heavy, too much for the lack of energy she put in her movements, unfocused. Everything was spinning around her and she wanted to scream.

This was Ricky’s fault. God, she hated him. It was his fault. Everything was his fault.

“Would you stop doing that?” She screamed, whipping around to look at him, furious and flushed. 

“I’m not doing anything!” Ricky yelled back, disbelief and anger coating his tone (and maybe he wasn’t really. It didn’t matter).

Nina scoffed, crossing her arms, shutting off everyone around her. “You’re late. It throws me off.”

“Maybe if you weren’t so obsessed with me it wouldn’t.” He bit back, smirking, but there was nothing playful or nice about it.

“Or you could just, you know, do it correctly.” She was condescending and mean, her tone matching his back. She wasn’t gonna back down. There was something brewing behind his eyes, something dark and firey and she braced herself for the impact.

An impact that never came because Zach stood up, pissed, affirming, “That’s it.” He turned around and walked out of the room. An uncomfortable silence settled in the class, everyone staring at the leads with gaped mouths. 

“I think we’re supposed to follow him,” Miss Jenn announced, standing up too and pointing to the door with her chin. Nina and Ricky followed behind her, just like they did a few weeks ago. 

There was definitely more apprehension and stress about what would happen outside. Would they get screamed at? Would they revisit the makeout room (the name was suddenly worse since The Halloween Mishap. Maybe she should rebrand that too)? Last time they had been called outside of the room, it was for their lacking chemistry, for the apathy and boredness they felt and emoted towards each other. Going outside hadn’t really mattered, hadn’t really been scary as they hadn't been in that much trouble yet. 

This time, they were furious and stiff, the tension remaining between them. Nina had plenty of words she still wanted to call him, lingering fire in her vein. She couldn’t dislodge the rage she felt for Ricky Bowen, deep in her bones and her heart. Even as she stood beside him in the hallway, facing two authoritative figures, Nina could not help but clench her jaw and think of insults. 

“What the hell is going on?” Zach said first after a long time of just looking at them. They didn’t answer, avoiding eye contact. “Really? Nothing?” Nothing. Really.

“We just don’t understand,” Miss Jenn said in a small voice, so uncharacteristic. “We felt it during your audition. Chemistry. Hell, magic. It was the most natural decision, didn’t even have to think about it. And then, it was gone, as if we had simply imagined it. But we _know_ we didn’t. Everything was back to normal after the bonding exercices. We thought it had been fixed. Where did it go? What happened?”

“It’s just-” Nina tried to explain but she could not find the words. “We just don’t get along.”

“That’s a poor excuse,” Zach laughed and she shrunk back. “We know you guys have it in you. But if you can’t _show_ it to us, then there’s no point to any of this. No point in having you as our leads.” They gasped, heads snapping up. 

No, God no. She couldn’t lose this role, this role that she had fought tooth and nail for, this role that she had dreamed of for years. She had worked so hard to get here and she couldn’t watch it slip through her fingers. “We’ll show it to you guys. We promise, we’ll bring it. Please,” she pleaded, fear and stress peeking through. 

“Yes,” Ricky added, just as worried, “We have it. We swear we can show it. Please.”

“This is your last chance,” Miss Jenn conceded, sighing, “After this, we’re giving your roles to Gina and EJ.” Relief invaded their bodies and their grins hit their ears, thanking them profusely. 

“On one condition,” Zach interrupted, smirking, and Miss Jenn turned towards him confused, as if she had no idea he would say this. “You said you don’t get along? Ok. We’ll make you get along.” Now everyone in the hallway was confused. “You guys have to hang out together twice a month. No school or friend hangout. We want pictures.” He said it and it almost sounded like revenge. Like punishment for how they had been behaving. 

“Fine,” NIna said through gritted teeth and the teachers smiled, walking back into the practice room, dismissing them from practice ( _I think you guys have put on quite enough of a show for today_ ). 

They stood in the hallway, side by side, silent. She could still feel the anger, feel the rage, feel the hatred radiating off their bodies. There was insults and venom scratching at her throat and she was sure fire and wrath still brewed inside of him, waiting for release. Tension had come back to their body twice as hard, unspoken words shared between them. She turned towards him, pissed and strained, eyes challenging and said bitterly, “Be at my house Saturday at 1pm. We’re baking a cake.” She whipped around and walked away.

“I don’t know your address,” he cried behind her and she didn’t turn around.

“Texting exists,” she yelled back, snapping and stinging.

__________

“Is it just me or does football kinda suck without the thrill of rivalry?” Carlos asked, taking a bite from his fries. 

“It totally does,” Ashlyn nodded.

Their group had only ever been to North High vs East High football games, not caring about the sport without the anticipation and excitement of possibly beating Northerners. The games had been some of their favorite memories, the crowd wild and screaming, the cheers, the high tension and fighting, everyone on the edge of their seats and, with a bit of luck, the rubbing in your enemy’s face their defeat (or getting your defeat rubbed in your face, without the luck, but they weren’t talking about that). The energy was electric and vibrant. _This_ game, however, was not.

They had thought going to a football game would be fun, showing some school spirit, supporting their team(s?), but they were mostly bored, chatting casually between them more than watching the boys. It did not help that none of them actually understood the game. They had always mostly just gone along with the different cheers of the crowd. 

“Who would’ve known North High was good for something?” Seb joked and they all chuckled before an awkward silence fell on them.

“It feels weird, right?” Kourtney declared and they all nodded vigorously. “I can’t believe we started liking some Northerners so much that it’s weird making fun of them. Some world we live in.”

“That’s called character development,” Nina nudged her shoulder, reaching out for one of Carlos’ fry. 

“This is so boring,” the boy whined, “I don’t even understand anything that’s happening right now. Do we have the football?” he shook his head before fully turning around to the girls behind him, completely ignoring the game, “Nina, distract me.”

“Me? What do you want _me_ to do?”

“Oh, maybe a fun dance,” Ashlyn said excitedly, clapping her hands. 

“A fun dance?” She flailed her arms wildly, gesturing them around, “Is this fun?”

Ashlyn laughed, “I don’t even think that’s a dance.”

“I was thinking more along the lines of what the fuck is up with Bowen?” Carlos cut their laughters, extremely serious.

“Oh, I’m down for that,” Kourtney nodded, turning to look at Nina with a newfound interest. She blushed in front of their eyes.

“Nothing,” she mumbled, looking away. All of them hummed in disbelief. “Nothing!” She reaffirmed, giving them a pointed stare.

“Come on,” Carlos shook his head, “You guys totally sucked and when you came back from ‘bonding’ and BAM! _chemistry._ The way you guys looked at each other? And the way you interacted after that? And now you guys are like this close,” he neared his fingers, leaving almost no visible gap between them, “to killing each other. In an unsexy way.”

“I would like to defend in a _very sexy way,_ ” Seb said, wiggling his eyebrow, and she groaned out loud.

“We just like… hung out. And then it was fine. But he’s Ricky Bowen and I’m me and we hate each other and it was bound to blow up at some point. Which it did,” Nina said, trying to be as vague as possible. “And now we have to hang out twice a month,” she said rapidly, mumbling the last part out, hoping the speed at which she got it out would be the same length as her friends' reaction to the news.

It was not. “ _What?!_ ” Her friends screamed, shocked, the news delighting them in a sick, twisted way. Hollers and laughters resonated around her and Nina dug herself in her autumn coat's collar.

“Zach’s stupid idea for us to get along.” Nina groaned, trying to cut their joy out. “I’m convinced he just wanted to make us suffer cause we’ve been dicks. Miss Jenn didn’t even _know_ about it.”

“I can’t believe you have to go on dates with Bowen,” Ashlyn said, laughing at her misfortune.

“They aren’t dates,” she cried out. “Don’t call them that. It’s just.... hangouts.”

“When’s your first one?” Seb asked.

“Tomorrow.” It physically pained her to say it.

Carlos grinned, too happy about the situation. “God, I wish I could be there.”

“Stop finding pleasure from my pain.”

“Controversial opinion,” Ashlyn declared nonchalantly, biting on a fry, “But I think you and Bowen should fuck.” Nina blushed, coughing. “I’m just saying.”

“Yeah, definitely,” Carlos nodded and Nina kicked herself for not answering something quicker. If she had shut down the idea, maybe he wouldn’t have added, “Like hatefuck. Would be hot.”

“Please, shut up,” she groaned in disgust, closing her eyes. “I really don’t want the mental images.”

“So you’re thinking of it,” Seb teased. 

“Only because you guys keep talking about it!”

Ashlyn said, “I’m not saying you like him or whatever, I know you don’t. But I think you should just bang one out to get it out of your system.”

“I hate you, I really do,” Nina said with conviction.

Kourtney chimed in, “I don’t think you should bang Bowen.”

“Thank you,” Nina dragged the last letter, hugging her best friend.

“I just don’t think I can stomach hearing about your Ricky sexcapades.”

“You’re dead to me.”

They continued making fun of her until Big Red spotted them in the crowd, waving excitedly before climbing to join them, followed by Gina and Ricky. They sat together and talked, something so natural and easy, and Ricky and Nina pointedly ignored each other the entire time.

__________

Nina was definitely nervous. Late last night, when she couldn’t sleep, she had tried to imagine what the day would entail. She had came up blank, incapable of visualizing the moment. Every time she had tried, there had always been something blocking her. He would be at the door and she would let him in and then he’d disappear from her mind. He would make one step into the kitchen and then she’d be alone. Sometimes he did or said out of character things, making her laugh or fear (her friends’ words did _not_ create any images during her daydream. She had definitely _not_ thought of Ricky that way. She had _not_ remembered The Halloween Mishap and wondered. But if she did, _which she did most certainly not_ , she swore she had chased the thought away immediately). 

Enough said to understand that Nina was not mentally prepared for whatever was to come. 

At 13h18, the doorbell rung and Nina jumped up on her feet, rushing to the door. Thinking opening it too quick would be weird, she lingered behind it for a time. “Bowen,” she said formally as a greeting. 

“Salrobs,” he said back, mocking her tone. She slid her body aside, letting him walk in. He looked around, familiarizing himself with the place. “Is there anyone home?”

“My moms are working,” she answered simply.

She walked over to the open kitchen, which connected with the living room, following him with a watchful eye as he looked at their family photos and various trinkets. Ricky finally made his way in front of her, a kitchen island separating them, and they just stared in silence. 

“Picture,” he said, his face brightening as if he just remembered, and he got his phone out, flipping around to take a selfie with her. He smiled big and she did not, too distraught, but she upped the corners of her lips slightly as a figurative gesture. 

“We’re making a chocolate cake,” Nina let out after another moment of silence, not knowing what to say. She realized it was rare for her to not know what to say to Ricky, always angry fights or friendly banter between them. 

“Is it necessary?”

She frowned. “What kind of cake do you want to make?”

“No, I meant…” he hesitated, searching for the words, “I don’t have to stay.” Oh. Right. Why hadn’t she thought of that in her multitude Saturday hangout visualizations? 

“You really came all the way here for a picture?” Nina lashed, crossing her arms, wishing he would say no.

“I just don’t see the point.”

“The point? You mean keeping our roles?” 

Ricky pursed his lips. “That was the point of the picture. What, you think they’re gonna know we haven’t actually hung out?”

“They’re gonna feel it."

He rolled his eyes, which angered Nina more than she could explained. Did he have to dismiss her like that? “Feel it. Sure. They’re not magic, they can’t just _feel_ that I left after the pic.”

“And what happens when they see that we’re just as hateful and angry as before, huh?” She argued, fired up, feeling the familiar wrath coming back to her. 

“We won’t,” he shook his head, matching her energy.

Nina sneered, throwing her arms up, as if to show off the whole thing. “We’re fighting now. We can’t help ourselves.”

“Well you're the one who keeps screaming at me for no reason!”

“We’re gonna lose our roles, Bowen.” She was desperate to make him understand. “That’s why I’m screaming at you.”

“You’re freaking out over nothing!” Ricky retorted, looking at her as if she was crazy

“Nothing?” She asked in disbelief, “We were almost kicked off the show this week!"

“Please, we would’ve still been in ensemble.”

“You know you're caring very little about things for someone who claims otherwise.” Nina screeched. "I mean, God, can't you stop being a dick for one minute?" She had no conscience of the decibels of her voice anymore, too angry, too exhausted, too taken. "This is just like you. You hate being confronted with the reality and you deny and deny and deny, but when it's time to prove it, you're gone! You think I know nothing about you? I know eveything about you. All the ugly parts you refuse to show people. I'm the only one who truly knows you and what I truly know is that you're a grade A _asshole_." He simply looked at her, a little taken back, silent. She panted, out of breath after her screaming monologue, taking the moment of silence to attach herself to reality again. “You know what? Fine, whatever. Leave. Who cares, right?” She dismissed him, waving him off. 

He kept looking at her, completely still. It was as if he was trying to figure her out, trying to understand her, his eyebrows furrowed. She crossed her arms, putting on a shield, looking back at him with defy. “What’s the first ingredient?” He finally spoke, his voice neutral, like they hadn’t been fighting at all.

“Flour,” she said with the same tone, pointing at the cupboard. He sighed and walked over. 

They worked in silence, the only words exchanged were directions and quantities, almost avoiding each other in the small kitchen. Forty minutes later, they were standing beside each other on the same side of the island, staring at a chocolate cake.

“We made a cake,” Nina stated.

“Yep.”

Another moment of silence lingered in the air, before Ricky opened the drawer she had told him earlier held the cutleries, holding back up two forks. He gave her one and they pricked in the cake, taking a bite. 

“It’s good.” Nina hummed, taking a second bite.

“I’m kinda shocked not gonna lie. I was sure it would be a disaster.”

“Me too.” They ate half of the cake, standing up behind the island, side by side, not looking at each other.


	8. chapter eight

“Isn’t it early for Christmas shopping?” Ricky asked, looking around.

“Isn’t it early for-” Nina stammered, eyes wide, offended and shocked, “No it is not, young man!”

“We’re still in November.” He gave her a deadpanned look.

“Your point?” Ricky rolled his eyes, scoffing in surrender, and she smiled fakely at him, taking a list out from her back pocket. 

As their second hangout, Nina had coerced him into accompanying her in her Christmas and gift shopping, a thing she always liked to start extra early. She figured if she had to spend time with her archnemesis, she might as well be smart about it and use the ride to be productive. He had been doubtful, trying to propose any other activity, but Nina hadn’t moved her ground, only accepting ‘yes’ as an answer. And now here they were, at the mall, red and green decorations everywhere, jolly music blasting from the speakers, cinnamon lingering in the air. 

Ricky turned towards her, exhaling deeply, as if just standing there was the most painful and demanding experience. “So what’s on your list?” He tried to sound cheerful and excited, but he only came off as sarcastic. Still, Nina gave him props for the attempt. Maybe they would manage not to fight today (she had little hope).

“Decorations, Christmas themed napkins, Christmas themed cupcake liners, chocolate, bows, wrapper, and then gifts!” She read out loud before looking back up at him. He stared at her as if she had grown a second head. She chuckled. “Come on, this is nothing.”

“Nothing?” He cried in disbelief, “That’s bigger than my grocery list!”

“I am concerned for your health,” she stated, neutral, before gesturing towards a store. “Let’s start there, shall we?” 

“Do I have a choice?” Ricky grinned, something fake and annoyed in his eyes.

Nina gave him the same smile, “No! Let’s go.”

They made various stores, walking the different aisles in silence, Nina meticulously considering each item. Sometimes, she would turn to him, holding up two goods, and ask him for his opinion. Often, she’d take the one he didn’t like. 

“You should buy this,” Ricky exclaimed, turning to her with a huge Santa beard on. “I think it’d look very sexy on you.”

“You’d think anything is sexy on me,” she bit back easily. “Take it off.”

“You’re not even gonna buy me a drink before asking me to take my clothes off?” Ricky grinned teasingly. He whispered, huskier than usual, “Is that a fetish of yours? Beards? Or is it Santa? You do seem abnormally into Christmas.”

“Ew. And Christmas is _great_.”

He took off his beard, rolling his eyes exaggeratedly, “Christmas sucks.” Nina gasped. “What? It’s true! Everyone acts like it’s great because of the gifts but without it it’s just boring and annoying.”

“It’s not about gifts!” Nina exclaimed, appalled, a bit too affected by his diss of Christmas, “It’s about love and family and coming together and it’s _great_.”

“Whatever.” He mumbled, looking away. She frowned, thinking it was a very uncharacteristic response, but let it go.

She faced the wall of cupcake liners to pick the ones with the teddy bears, the reindeers, the elves and the little gifts. She never picked out the Santa Claus ones (too basic). “Every holiday season, I pick up four packs and that’s the max amount of cupcakes I’m allowed to bake.” Nina said to start a conversation, preferring their chatter than the awkward silence.

“How many cupcakes do you bake?” He asked, eyebrows furrowed, horrified by her statement.

She smiled at him. “If I could? Until my arms fall off. However, I’m only allowed 128.” His mouth opened and closed, not unlike a fish, the fact deeply disturbing him. 

“You,” Ricky started, making an emphasis on the word, “are not human.”

“It’s called holiday cheer, Bowen,” she joked, turning back around and rolling the shopping cart to another aisle. He followed closely behind her.

“They should make a My Strange Addiction episode about you.” He said as he caught up with her, now side by side.

“Right after the one with the girl who drank her urine and before the one with the girl who ate tires?” She arched an eyebrow.

Ricky gave her a boyish grin. “I was thinking more after the one with the girl who ate rocks and before the one with the girl who ate her dead husband’s remains.”

“God, that show was so fucking weird.”

“Oh, definitely. I have a special place in my traumas for My Strange Addiction.” A laugh escaped her throat and he looked kind of proud. “So, what’s next?”

“Decorations,” Nina affirmed as she turned a corner.

He frowned. “Don’t you have decorations already? I mean, aren’t they supposed to be a forever thing?”

“Yes. But I want more.”

Ricky seemed appalled. “More? _Every_ year you want _more_?”

“My house increasingly becomes the Santa Claus village as the years go by.”

“Please seek help.”

“Ooh,” an excited squeal left her lips as she rushed towards the Christmas balls aisle, Ricky needing to speed up his walk to keep up with her. “This is the best part of Christmas.”

“Balls?” He mocked, a smirk on his lips. 

Nina threw him a look, eyes narrowed. “Must you take the fun out of everything?”

“Yes. If not, I die. It’s a rare disease. Thanks for bringing it up,” he acted annoyed and upset, as if her words had reminded him of a harsh reality. She rolled her eyes.

Looking back at the aisle, she took special care to review each one. Ricky, perplexed, followed her example, trying to find something interesting in Christmas balls. They were various sizes and colors, with patterns and designs decorating them, a few showing off fun drawings. Every time he looked back at her, she looked elated, smiling with childish wonder. 

“It’s balls,” Ricky proclaimed, deadpanned, after too much time standing in the aisle. She shushed him, waving him off.

After much time, Nina took out her phone and snapped a picture of one of the sphere.

He frowned, “What are you doing?”

“Huh?” Nina took another picture.

“Why are you taking pics?” Another one.

“Oh,” she turned to face him, almost surprised that he didn’t think it was the most normal thing, “Me and my moms have this Christmas tradition. Every year we buy a new Christmas ball to put on the tree. I’m showing them the selection this year. Much better than the last one. They were so boring. In the end we chose this winter-snowflake ball that wasn’t that bad, but I still hope we can do better this time though.” She grinned at the memories, so opposite of Ricky’s expression. There was something guarded in Ricky’s look, staring at her without answering anything, his lips somewhat pursed. He looked deep in thoughts, almost in pain, and she grew concerned. 

Before she could ask him about it, he pointed to a ball, red and sparkly, with a drawing of a sad Rudolph on it, sitting down and looking at his hooves pitifully. It was exaggerated and big, clearly a funny drawing more than anything serious. It was pretty adorable. “I like this one,” he said seriously, no trace of emotion or fun in his voice. She looked in his eyes, trying to understand what was going on, to comprehend his thoughts, but there was nothing there too. Slowly looking away, she snapped a picture of that Christmas ball too.

Finally outside of the store, Ricky let out a relieved sigh. “Is that all for today?”

“Well, I didn’t get to gifts.” He groaned. “But it’s fine. I can come back. I like to make the fun lasts anyway.”

“Thank God.” He said, walking purposefully for the exit.

Nina followed after him, almost having to jog to keep up with his much longer legs. “I really don’t get why you’re so against Christmas.”

“I’m not,” he said defensively.

“You’re the grinch,” she teased, nudging his shoulder when she finally caught up to him. 

They arrived at the parking lot, Nina taking the lead to get to the car after Ricky clearly hesitated, not really remembering where he had parked. “I just think it’s dumb. And commercial. And a waste of time. And profits off our consumerism culture.” He unlocked the car. 

She opened the door, sitting in the passenger seat. “You’re the grinch,” she singsonged, buckling in as he exhaled deeply. Ricky started the car and reversed out of the parking lot. “I mean, you talk shit against Christmas, but you _have_ to enjoy it, even if you don’t want to admit it. The food, the desserts, the songs, the decorating the house and the tree, the singing, the seeing your family, even the gifts! It’s all great. Christmas magic is real and it comes in the form of love, Rico.”

“Well we don’t do that at my house,” he snapped, quicker than his brain could realize. Her head whipped towards him, a concerned frown on her face, and he avoided her eyes. He looked almost pissed.

“What do you mean?” Nina said carefully, not trying to upset him further. 

“We’re just-” He breathed out, shaking his head a little, “We’re not big on the Christmas cheer.” She stayed silent, looking at him with her empathic eyes and he sighed, giving her a quick glance before saying, “We haven’t really celebrated since my mom left.” Ricky didn’t know why he said that.

“Not at all?” She asked, gentle and kind. Her voice was soft and she sounded sorry. 

Ricky sighed. “There’s gifts. And we eat together. My dad tries his best but… We don’t have a tree. Or decorations. Or singing. It’s just us.”

“What about your mom?”

“She calls.”

Nina took a moment to reflect, trying to find the right words, pondering if she should press further. She had never thought of Ricky Bowen in this light, as someone vulnerable and hurt. He always looked strong, always unbothered, always uncaring. She would have never known, never guessed, and she kind of felt bad for assuming. Her more than anyone knew that people often hid their feelings. Plus, she felt terrible for rubbing in his face her holiday cheer and functional family. 

“When did she leave?” She decided to say, to hell with careful.

“Six years soon,” Ricky laughed bitterly, making a turn. He threw her a look, saw her sympathy, and shook his head. “You don’t have to pretend to care.”

“I’m not pretending.”

“Then you don’t have to care.”

“But I do,” Nina exclaimed. “I mean, six years without a _true_ Christmas? That’s terrible.” She joked, lightening the mood. The corner of his mouth twitched up and she counted that as a win. “It’s simply unacceptable.” She grinned mischievously, an idea forming itself in her mind. “Do you still have decorations?”

Ricky frowned. “Yes?”

“Then bring me to your house, Bowen. I’m going to Christmas magic the shit out of you.”

Ricky’s house wasn’t as big as Nina had imagined (as he lived in the North), but considering it was only him and his dad, it was way more space than needed. She took the time, just like he had done, to check out the place, finding family pictures in the staircase. His mom was still in them and she couldn’t help but think it wasn’t that healthy, clinging to the past. Still, she walked up to the second floor, following behind him. 

“It must be in there,” Ricky said, rummaging through a closet, he moved boxes and various objects around. 

“Why do you have your own bowling ball?” She asked, picking up the purple sphere, arching an eyebrow.

He quickly gave her a look, “My dad was big on bowling in his days. Her name is Natasha.”

“Natasha? The name of the bowling ball is Natasha?” Nina mocked, trying to stop herself from laughing.

“Your family is weird too! I saw your collection of squirrel trinkets on your mantel,” he cried defensively and she raised an arm in innocence, putting down the ball. “Ha-ha,” Ricky said victoriously, grinning, “Got it.” He picked up a big brown box, clearly worn down by time. 

They walked back downstairs, dropping the box in the middle of the living room. Nina kneeled over, opening it, “Let's see what we have to work with here.” She said excitedly. 

“I’m afraid to ask, but how much more decorations do you have?”

“Like, four other boxes?” Nina answered simply.

Ricky choked, “Four- wha- I really shouldn’t have asked.”

She looked back up at him, grinning, a determined look on her face. “Let’s start with the living room.” She digged up a tinsel and jumped to her feet. He chuckled as he watched her try to find the perfect spot, picking up a nutcracker from the box.

So they started with the living room, putting up angels and Santas and little doll elves a bit everywhere in the room. She forced him to put on a Christmas playlist and she danced around, a lightness to her step, moving the decoration around as she couldn’t settle on a definitive placement. 

Nina joyfully came to him, forcefully singing in his face and jumping around, intensity and glee in her voice, until he couldn’t help himself but sing along. He laughed at her almost screams and her terrible moves and she laughed just because. 

Ricky helped her with the tinsel and garlands, holding his hand up as she gave him directions ( _"Go right. Right. Right. No, that’s too much! Ok, higher. Higher. Higher. What do you mean you’re not tall enough, you’re a giant!"_ ), a groan escaping his lips as she decided to change everything, affirming it didn’t make sense with the room. Nina tucked the ends under photographs and previously placed angels, and he scotched some loose ends as well as the center for ‘ripples’, the only right way for a garland to lay (or so Nina had passionately explained as he stood there, arms getting tired). 

Nina insisted on putting up the snowflakes he had made in art class in fourth grade, snowflakes he had no idea his mother had kept. “They’re _cute_ , Bowen. Fit perfectly in the room.” She walked up to the garland, laying two snowflakes under it, looking at him smugly. “See. Bet you feel stupid now.” 

Ricky laughed and dramatically rolled his eyes, waving her off, "Fine. Since it fits perfectly in the room." He smiled as he watched her get on her tippy toe trying to scotch them on the wall, singing Jingle Bells. 

They moved to the kitchen, Nina having kept aside all the bows she had found to stick them to the cupboards. Amidst their very serious work, she found Pillsbury dough and excitedly affirmed that they _had_ to bake it. “It’s such an iconic Christmas moment,” she insisted.

“I feel like you’re making everything iconic Christmas moments. Surely, there must be some things that are _just_ regular Christmas moments.”

“I feel like you’re fighting cookies too much.” 

Ricky smiled, rolling his eyes, “Fine. If you’re gonna be a child about it.” Nina cheered excitedly and they pulled out a baking sheet, cutting up the dough and putting it in the oven. Quickly, the smell invaded the kitchen, making them hum in satisfaction. 

“Remember this when I propose an idea and you’re against it. Remember the sweet, delicious smell of being wrong.” 

“I feel like you’re letting this get to your head.”

“Oh, totally.” She nodded, completely genuine. “Do we still have the cute snowmen?” 

Around the time they finished the kitchen, the timer rang and they ran to the oven, excited. Ricky got the cookies out and immediately grabbed one, “It’s too hot!” Nina screeched, but he already had it in his mouth, burning his tongue. 

He kept the cookie in his mouth, mouth wide and blowing, trying to get air to cool it down as he munched on it at the same time, “Shit, that’s hot,” he said difficulty.

“No shit, dumbass.” She jumped and sat on the counter, taking a cookie in her hand and blowing on it. Once it was the right temperature, Nina popped it in her mouth. “See? This is what a civilized person does.”

“And yet, who got to enjoy the first cookie? Me. I think I won here.”

Nina scoffed, “You definitely did not enjoy that cookie.”

He gave her a boyish grin, “I did just for the satisfaction of annoying you.” He took a bite of his second cookie. She did the same. 

“You’re gonna have to buy a tree. And decorate it. You can’t have all this and not have a tree.”

“I will,” Ricky promised solemnly, as if he was a knight swearing loyalty, “Just for you.” She smiled, kicking her legs. 

“Hey,” Nina piped up hesitantly, “Are you okay?”

“I’m great,” he answered, confused, like he didn’t know why she asked that.

She searched for the right words. “It’s just- I love Christmas, as you might have guessed throughout the day.” Her voice trailed jokingly and he snorted. “But, it can still be pretty hard if you… don’t have the perfect Christmas…”

“You want to talk about my mom.” He said, impassive, expressionless, seeing through her antics and getting right to the point.

“Yeah.”

“I’m fine,” Ricky affirmed, light and dismissive, “I swear.”

"Sure.” Nina let the word trail to make him know it was definitely not _sure_. “It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it. Especially with me. But clearly it’s something that’s been following you for years and I don’t think you should bottle it up.”

“I appreciate your concern, but you don’t have to worry. Everything is completely fine.”

“You know, the more you say you’re fine, the less genuine you sound,” Nina joked playfully. 

“Do you come from 2013 tumblr?”

Nina laughed, shouting, “Stop reminding me of past traumatic memories! Let me live in denial.”

“Same,” Ricky mumbled and she threw piece of cookie at him.

“I heard that,” she teased. “I will let it slide because it’s Christmas.”

“We’re literally in November.”

“And yet,” her voice was full of wonder, “Your house is fully decorated! In November! Wow, even before mine. That’s pretty early, Bowen. I think you might have a problem…”

“Yeah, you,” Ricky said, throwing back her way a piece of cookie. “How peaceful and pleasant my life could be without you.” He sighed happily, looking away dramatically as if daydreaming.

“Boring and bland were the words you were looking for, actually.”

“Maybe.” Ricky smiled at her and Nina smiled back, cookie in hands, Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas Is You blasting from the speaker and everything a little more right.

“Oh,” Nina exclaimed, searching for her phone, “Picture. Come on.” She waved him over and he walked over to her. She was still sitting on the counter and he simply was standing up and yet he was as tall at her. “You’re too fucking tall,” she said with narrowed eyes, hitting a finger in his chest.

“You’re too small. Get on my level.” He answered smugly. 

Ricky turned to face the camera, his back leaning on the counter, his hip touching Nina’s thigh, and she extended her arm. They both grinned widely, making peaces with their fingers. She snapped a picture, than quickly changed her expression and took another one. He followed her, blasting finger guns and dramatic eyerolls and grimaces until Nina finally closed her phone. 

The door opened, footstep resonating around the house, and a deep voice screamed, “Ricky?”

“In the kitchen!” The boy yelled back, before looking at Nina, “My father.”

“I figured.”

“Hi,” Mr. Bowen said as he entered the room. He was a somewhat tall guy who looked tired and nice. He put on a very welcoming expression. “I didn’t know we had company.”

“Oh, I was just leaving,” she affirmed, jumping down from the counter.

“Really? You don’t want to stay for dinner?” 

Ricky gritted his teeth. “She doesn’t, Dad,” he said, not unlike an angsty embarrassed tween.

She smiled and shook her head, “I can’t,” Nina said apologetically. “I have to go. But maybe next time.”

Mr. Bowen nodded a bit sadly. “Did you help him do all this?” He gestured around to the decorations.

“Oh, yes.” Nina tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Christmas spirit and all that. You need a tree,” she gave Ricky a playful glance, “I don’t know if I can trust this one to listen to me.”

“I said I would,” Ricky said defensively and the two of them laughed at him. 

“It’s nice,” Mr. Bowen nodded at Nina. “Get home well.” She thanked him and he left the room.

“Do you need a ride?” Ricky asked and she opened her mouth to say no, before realizing.

“Actually, kinda…” She started awkwardly. “If you don’t mind.”

“Sure,” he shrugged. “That’s why I asked. We, however, are not playing any Christmas songs.”

Nina snorted as they walked towards the door. “It’s cute you think you have a say.”


	9. chapter nine

“Where are we even going?” Nina asked, sitting in the passenger seat of Ricky Bowen’s car, looking out the window to the empty road and dark night. There was something reassuring and comforting about being alone, like a warm embrace and a calm bubble. Music was softly playing from his car’s speakers, some mellow indie tune he had forced her to put on since she had made him listen to her Christmas playlist all the way back home last time. Nina was surprised to say, but she felt good and relaxed. Like time had stopped and they were living in their own universe, particularly created just for them. She wished it’d stay like that forever.

“It’s a surprise,” Ricky threw her a playful look. Because she had chosen the last two hangout activities, he had affirmed it was only fair for him to choose this one. Although there was a new movie she had really wanted to see, she had given in. He, however, refused to tell her what was his plan, no matter how many times she had asked (and it was a lot of times). 

The further they were leaving Salt Lake City, the more curious Nina grew. Winter had slowly rooted itself in their lives, coming in as December arrived, and although it hadn’t snowed yet (global warming and all that), it was definitely cold. The buildings and activity options were starting to run low. 

“Do I get to guess?” 

Ricky chuckled, his eyes still fixed on the road, “You can try.” 

“Will you say yes if I guess right?”

He tsked, shaking his head in disbelief, “You have no faith in me.”

“Are you planning on murdering me in a secluded place where no one can hear me scream?”

“Yes.”

Nina sighed dramatically, “I always knew you would be my downfall.” She looked back to the window, watching the land fly by as they drove, the moon following them with a watchful eye. She reflected on the possibilities, actually trying to guess the activity. “Are we going to a nearby town?”

“No.” She hummed.

“Are we visiting one of your relatives?”

Ricky laughed, “Why would I bring you to my family?”

“I don’t know!” She cried defensively, humor lacing her tongue, turning her head to look at his side profile. He had a nice jawline. “Maybe you’ve been telling them about me for years and now they desperately want to meet me. I mean, you've always _seemed_ obsessed with me, but I figured it was normal teenage boy stuff.”

Ricky snorted. "Yeah, I have a box of pictures with your face scratched out in my room.”

“Normal teenage boy stuff, then." She saw his smile and felt almost proud. “Are we going to a secret house you own?”

“No.”

She gave up, throwing with a sigh, “I’m going back to the murder theory.”

“I don’t know why you even left it. I said yes.” She pushed his shoulder, rolling her eyes. “Hey! I’m driving. This is highly dangerous.”

“If I’m gonna die tonight I’m bringing you down with me,” Nina said. “Are we close?”

“Actually,” Ricky trailed as he turned the car and parked it in the middle of a field, “We’re there.”

“Here?” Nina asked, confused and incredule. 

“Yep.” Ricky grinned and opened the car, exiting it. Nina stayed there for a second, gawking, looking at him walking to the car trunk. She sighed, undoing her seatbelt and getting out.

The car had been blasting heat and the contrasting difference in temperature left a chill in her bones. She crossed her arms, hugging her chest, wishing for the warmth and comfort and safe bubble of the car.

“What are we doing here?” Nina said sternly as she walked over to him, trying to sound vaguely threatening enough to get an answer out of him. 

He popped his head out of the trunk, smiling at her like an excited child. She thought he looked cute and something warmed her chilled body. Really, without it, she would’ve been way more pissed when he said, “We’re stargazing.”

“We’re-” Nina fumbled, “In _winter_?” Ricky nodded, still elated by the idea. She moaned, “It’s cold, Ritchie.”

“Suck it up, buttercup.” He pulled a basket from the trunk and walked away happily. She groaned and followed behind him, still hugging herself for warmth. 

Ricky marched with purpose, as if he’d been there many times before. It looked like an open field to her, but he seemed to be looking for something specific. As they walked deeper into the nothingness, Nina started to realize the ground was elevating, a mount hidden by the night. There was grass on top of it, a nice change from the dirt, but still so cold. 

Ricky put down the basket and opened it, getting out from it two blankets. He laid one on the ground, sitting down, and putting the other one on his knee. He gestured for her to sit down and she did, inviting in her body the new warmth that the layers created.

“So. Why here? I mean, it’s nice and all, but I’m pretty sure anywhere out of Salt Lake would have been enough.”

“This is always where I go when I stargaze.” He explained and it made her wonder how many times he did it. “When I was younger, my family was driving back from visiting my aunt, and it was dark, and my mom just… demanded that we stop. So we did, and we got outside the car, and we laid down here and we watched the stars. We came back here often. These days, it’s mostly just me.” Nina gave him the kind of grin reserved for happy memories, something soft and fascinated. Ricky looked away, turning his body back to the basket, getting out from it two hot chocolates. She opened her mouth in wonder, glee filling her features, ecstatic.

She grabbed one of the cups, wrapping both her hands around it, “I think this is the least annoying you’ve ever been.”

“And you like to pretend you’re a complicated woman…” Ricky mocked. They drank the sweet beverage.

“So, how does one stargaze?” Nina asked after a sip.

“I don’t know… You just look. And think. I like to find constellations.”

“Show them to me.”

A delighted smile overtook Ricky’s face and he looked genuinely excited to talk about this. He pointed to the sky, “See, here, the three stars that shine the brightest? They’re called the summer triangle. You can especially see them during summer, even if you’re in the city. Each star is apart of a constellation, so they’re the easiest to spot. The right one is Cygnus. See, the wings, and then its body goes inside the triangle?” 

Nina approached her head to Ricky’s, bending it slightly to try and see his perspective. She squinted. “I guess I vaguely see a bird.”

“Constellations are definitely _vague_. On top is Lyra, and it’s sort a rhombus with a line?” He neared his head to hers too, adjusting his finger. Their heads were almost touching. “And the left one is Aquila. It’s like two triangle put together and a line.” Ricky drew it in the sky, mapping it out for her. “It’s supposed to be an eagle.” He continued his explanations, pointing out different constellations in the sky, as she tried to see what his eyes saw, listening attentively to his low voice.

“What’s your favorite constellation?” Nina asked, genuinely wondering and interested. She had never thought stars could be fun, always this known and present thing but ultimately unimportant in the grand scheme of things, in her boring and small life. 

“Orion,” Ricky answered, “It’s cliche, I know, but I like the fact that it’s so easy to find. It was one of the first ones I learned to spot immediately in the sky. Plus, it’s about the story of this dude literally made by the gods who was really cool and strong and beautiful. And then the king was like ‘please kill all the wild animals’. And Orion was like ‘sure!’ And the goddess of the Earth and animals Gaia was like ‘no the fuck you won’t.’ And she sent her way a giant scorpion which killed him and to reward it she put it in the sky. So now you can see the scorpion chasing Orion for eternity.”

“I didn’t know constellations had stories.”

“Of course they do. Greek mythology are the most popular and known, but other cultures have stories with some of them too. Like, Ursa Major in greek mythology is this girl that Zeus was thirsting for and that Hera was really jealous of so she transformed in a bear. And in navajo mythology it’s a girl who married a bear, and then her dad killed the bear, so she got real pissed and transformed herself in a bear and then killed her six brothers.”

“The range,” Nina said playfully, laying back down on the blanket. She looked at the sky, trying to find all the constellations Ricky had showed her. “You’re a nerd.”

He scoffed, laying down beside her, head angled towards hers, so close to touching again. “I’m not. There’s just something about stars that hits different.”

“Constellations are kind of weird when you think about it. Like, it’s drawings in the sky that people have just accepted for centuries. Who actually thinks Ursa Major looks like a bear? No one. And yet, billions of people in the history of time have just been like ‘of course, totally’. What makes these constellations more right than the ones _we_ can think of, right now?”

“Nothing, I guess. I feel like what’s fun is trying to find the drawings billions of people have seen. Stars are random dots, you could make anything with them, but it’s kinda crazy to lay here and see the same constellations people in fucking Ancient Greece where looking at.”

“I still think we should be able to make our own constellation.” Nina stated, waving aside his rant. He laughed at her answer, her complete dismissal of his contradiction, and she couldn’t help but feel like months ago Ricky would’ve argued more. “Like, look at these five stars, beside Draco. It looks like a kite.” 

“And what are we gonna name it? Kite?”

“Please, that’s so unoriginal,” she mocked. She looked at the sky pensively, racking her brain for a good name. “Heathers. We’ll name it Heathers.” Ricky grinned at her (and for a second, although he’ll never admit it out loud, he thought she was right. It was pretty great to have a constellation that was just theirs). She looked at him, beaming, and said curiously, “Do you think aliens exist?”

“Hum, have you met me?” Ricky said in a duh tone, as if it was the dumbest question ever. “You’d have to be pretty self centered to not think there’s life out there when the universe is that huge.”

“I agree,” Nina nodded and he looked proud. “Although I don’t think they’ve visited Earth. I think they’re just vibing on their own, unbothered. They probably don’t know we exist and are wondering just like us if there’s other life.”

“I don’t know… They might be more advanced technologically if it took them less time to develop. Maybe they came when there was dinosaurs or bacteria and thought Earth was devoid of sentient beings and left. And maybe one day we’ll be just as advanced and we’ll find life and do the same and _those_ aliens will never know we passed through.” Ricky stopped talking for a moment, before asking, “What do you think there is after death?”

“Reincarnation. Definitely.”

He seemed surprised. “You believe in reincarnation?”

“You don’t?” She matched his tone, eyes wide, shocked.

“Nah. I think there’s nothing. It’s just… over.”

“Well that’s boring,” Nina scoffed. “I believe we’re all made of stardust from the Big Bang and since we can’t create _new_ stardust, we’re all just recycled. I don’t think me, Nina Salazar-Roberts, as I am now, existed before. But I think there’s thousands of souls that live inside of me. Like, we’re just a mixture of people that existed before.”

Ricky seemed to deeply consider her theory, actually interested, before stating, “I think I just don’t want reincarnation to be real. Like, I’ve done this once, I don’t want to do it again and keep suffering. The world is shit and it’s only getting worse.”

She hummed softly, “Maybe. But maybe you’ll come back as a bug or a pretty flower and won’t know anything about it.” She paused for an instant. “I’d like to be a ladybug.”

“I’d like to be a cactus so the normalcy and habit of trust issues can follow me in my next life.”

“Jokes on you, cactus are so in right now. You’d be in an hipster trash’s minimalist apartment.”

“Keywords are _right now_. It’ll be over when I die.”

Nina smirked, “Bold of you to assume you’re not dying right now. Was this stargazing hangout just _my_ murder plan all along?” He chuckled.

“If you believe in reincarnation, does that mean you believe in soulmates?”

Nina hesitated. “Kind of.”

Ricky shook his head. “It makes me sad to think soulmates exist. Like everybody else that you’ll love doesn’t matter. I don’t know, it’s like it invalidates everything you’ve felt and will feel for other people. There’s something kind of… inevitable about it that I don’t like.

“I don’t think we only have one soulmate. I think there’s some people that it just… works. Like, maybe the souls we’re made out of recognize the souls they loved before in other people. Or maybe it’s people that share the same particles of stardust as you. It can be totally platonic.” Nina grinned. “I feel like there’s just people that I’ve met and I’ve just thought ‘wow, I don’t think this is the first time I’ve loved them’.”

“Isn’t that scary?” He wondered as if he thought it was.

She turned her face to look at him, something joyful and reassuring, something familiar. “No. It’s comforting, actually, to know no matter how alone I feel, there’s people out there that love me. They don’t know why or they can’t explain it, but it’s written in their souls. And maybe I’ll never meet them, but if I did, I’d be less alone.”

“I’ve never felt that.”

Nina shrugged. “It’s okay. You don’t have to. Maybe it’s just me, you know. We all love differently.”

Nina and Ricky stayed there, laying on a blanket in their winter coats, close for warmth but not quite touching, heads angled towards each other, eyes fixed on the starry night, chocolate lingering in the air, soft words and delicate laughs exchanged in the space between them, whispered from how small it was. Time stopped, the universe was only theirs and nothing else existed except this place. When Ricky drove her back it was past midnight, yawns and sleepy eyes overtaking her body as Nina tried to stay awake in the comfort and warmth of his car.

__________

Practice had been especially harsh today. Rehearsals had started two months ago and it felt like everyone was ahead of Nina. Like she was trailing behind, unable to learn or act or sing or dance as well as them. They breathed the play like it was natural and she was out of breath. 

They were running through Big Fun and, needless to say, Nina was delaying everyone. She was late and forgot choreography, a sore thumb sticking out amidst the group of effortlessly synchronized dancers. She had always had problem with that dance and it was clearly starting to annoy everyone. Groans and whines resonating around the room when they had to start all over again because of Nina. 

Nina’s heart was beating out of her chest, her limbs frenzied and shaking. She was unable to focus, her mind running at the speed of light, everything spinning around her. She kept thinking that she coudn’t mess it up, kept thinking of everybody’s eyes on her, kept thinking of their judgement, of their anger, of their hate. She kept thinking that she _was_ going to mess it up, kept thinking that she was the worst, kept thinking that she ruined everything, that she could never do anything right, that she was a failure. She kept thinking and thinking and she couldn’t stop. And the more she made mistakes, the more she forgot a move, the more she tripped, the more she thought. She couldn’t hear anything around her except the words screaming in her head, the beat of the music and the words of her teachers numbing around her. She could still feel everybody’s disappointment on her skin, could feel their disgust. She wanted to cry. She wanted to scream. She wanted everything to stop, just for a second, so she could catch her breath. It felt like she hadn’t breathed in years. 

Why couldn’t she do it? Why was she so terrible at everything? She should have never gotten the lead. Gina was so much more deserving, with her perfect timing and pointed feet. Nina messed everything up. She couldn’t do anything. God, people must hate her. She really wanted to cry.

“Okay. I think we’ve worked enough for today. We’ll continue next practice,” a shrill voice exclaimed and Nina barely acknowledged it, her eyes fixed on the ground, thoughts rushing around her head. 

She went to her water bottle and took a sip, everything spinning around her. It felt like a dream, like a trance, like she wasn’t really there. She barely realized when everyone left the room, barely realized when her friends threw a goodbye her way as they tried to beat the rain, didn’t realize when she was standing alone in the room. 

But she was, and her eyes filled with water, and she wasn’t perfect. She was barely holding it together, lips quivering, her entire body shaking. 

“Nini?” Ricky asked with curiosity and she whipped around in surprise. “Hey, woah, are you okay?” His voice grew concerned and a frown settled between his brows. He walked up to her.

“Yeah,” Nina tried to say, but her voice broke. She grinned. “I’m fine.” And yet, she could feel a tear slipping down her cheeks. “I’m fine.” 

There was no way to describe it other than she broke down crying. It was like a dam unable to contain an ocean, breaking apart at the middle, water invading the land, drowning everything in its way. Ricky made two long steps and grabbed her, enveloping her between his arms. 

“I’m fine,” she repeated against his chest, but she was sobbing violently. He only hugged her tighter, pressing his arms around her small shivering body. 

She wrapped her arms around his torso and hugged him back, weeping against him. He murmured reassuring words and hummed softly, rubbing her back with care, while she bawled her eyes out, unable to stop. Ricky simply held her, comforting. She tried to focus on his voice, on the warmth of his body, on the weight of his hold, on the feel of his hands on her back and his cheek on the top of her head. She tried to focus on him instead of the whirlwind of her thoughts, tried to ground herself in reality by reminding herself that she was there, she was present. 

After who knows how long, Nina finally stopped crying, finding no more tears in her to let out. She sniffed, laughing shyly, unmoving. She stayed in his arms for a moment longer, enjoying the warmth and peace she felt. 

“I’m sorry,” Nina chuckled, embarrassed, as she dislodged from his arms. He still looked worried.

“Don't apologize.” She nodded faintly. 

“Thank you, then. You didn’t have to do that.”

Ricky completely ignored her statement. “Nini, are you okay?” 

“I would say 'I’m fine' but the odds of you believing me right now are very low.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.” Nina murmured. Ricky stared at her, looking into her eyes like he could convince her to do otherwise, like he could understand her. She looked away, giving another awkward laugh as she grabbed her things. “I should go.”

“Do you need a ride?”

“My moms are picking me up.” She started walking out of the room, before turning around, smiling softly, “Thanks again. For real.”

“You don’t have to thank me.” 

“Too late.” She turned and left the room.


	10. chapter ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the wait, finals and such...  
> also i think this chapter is a bit more intense than like my normal stuff? so like beware

Saturday December the Fourteenth was the day of the birth of Ricky Bowen. Before this year, Nina had never known. She had spent this day like all the others, stressed about the mid-terms and excited over Christmas’ pending arrival. Before this year, Nina hadn’t known a lot of things about Ricky Bowen. 

It was somewhat strange to be sitting in his living room amidst all of his friends, drinking non alcoholized juice (The Halloween Mishap would not happen again, not on her watch. She had learned from her mistakes), trying to chat with the theater crew as music blasted from the speakers. Nina was barely paying attention to her friends, too busy trying to pinpoint the exact moment Ricky and her had become close enough to be invited to his birthday (she knew how it sounded, knew the concept of birthday invitations mattering was childish, but they did nonetheless). 

“And you, Nina?”

The brunette whipped her head around, looking like a deer in headlights, “Huh?”

Kourtney laughed, throwing an arm around her shoulder. “She votes for me, obviously,” she bit back to Big Red. 

“I do,” Nina nodded, “What’s the question?”

“Who would win in a fistfight, Kourtney or Gina?” 

A chuckle escaped Nina’s lips. “How did you guys even get there?" She asked. "And Gina.” A loud betrayed gasp came out of Kourtney’s mouth, quickly taking her arm off as if she had burnt her.

“See,” Gina cried, gesturing franctically, “I would definitely win.”

“How _dare_ you, Nina Salazar-Roberts. You’re my best friend.”

Nina shrugged. “I just think you wouldn’t want to hurt a sister. Don’t pit girls against each other and all that.” Kourtney’s affront softened. 

“I mean,” Carlos trailed devilishly, “There’s really only one way to find out. Get ready to rumble, girls.”

Kourtney rolled her eyes. “Fine, okay, I’ll let you win in a fisfight because Nina pulled the feminist card.” Gina looked victorious. “The real question however is who would win in a _bitchfight_... Carlos or Gina.” Loud arguments and voices speaking over each other resonated as the group found a new subject to debate over. Nina smiled, excusing herself to refill her drink. 

If she really thought about it, it had probably been around the makeout room that things had changed so much between Ricky and Nina. She remembered getting out of that room and feeling like the entire dynamic had shifted, felt a new energy between them. She couldn’t really explain why it had affected them this much, how it had had that much power. She just knew it _did_. She remembered his eyes, so beautiful and piercing (that’s another thing she hadn’t known about Ricky before this year), looking through her soul like he had seemed to do so many times after that, like he understood her so completely. 

Nina refilled her drink with some fluo red punch and the sugar invaded her taste buds as soon as it hit her tongue. It didn’t taste like anything else other than sugar and vaguely the color red and she kinda wished she could add some vodka to it. It wasn’t like she needed alcohol to have fun, but there was still something so out of place about being the sober one in a room of drunks. She took another sip, something more bitter to it.

“I really don’t know how you can drink that,” a deep voice said behind her and she easily recognized EJ. Nina was kind of surprised to see him here, but she guessed his theater kid statuts warranted his presence. She supposed her and EJ could form an Unlikely Ricky’s Birthday Guest Club (very exclusive). She tried to cover a dumb smile as she hadn’t seen him the same way since Ricky’s Halloween confession. 

“I have a sweet tooth,” Nina shrugged as she tried to chase away the thoughts of him and Ricky kissing. 

“That’s more than sweet, though. That’s like… being made of sugar.” He seemed doozy.

“Very profound.”

EJ grinned at her, chuckling a little, before seriousness overtaking his face. He had a faint concerned frown on his forehead. “Are you enjoying the party?” 

“It’s fine,” Nina smiled, trying to sound nonchalant and cool, as if she had seen many parties and it was not even in her higher ranking ones.

“You look lonely.” EJ said it in such a factual way, like it was merely one of his drunken observations, no particular fuss or worry about it. He said it as if he thought she might not know and he wanted her to. He said it as if he it was an undeniable truth. Nina didn’t know how to answer. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Her voice was shrill and surprised, her eyes wide and shocked, like it was the most ridiculous and astonishing thing he could say.

He took a step towards her and placed an hand on her shoulder, a solemn look in his eyes. “I’m very drunk. That could explain why.” She chuckled, brushing aside the whole conversation.

“So,” Nina started, desperate for a subject change, “How was Ash in her childhood?”

“She used to bite a lot.”

“I… can’t imagine her being a biter.”

“And yet. The world is very surprising. You’d be shocked how many people were secret child biters from hell.” EJ was nicer company that she had ever thought he would be.

Nina gave him a curious look, leaning in like people do when they move past small talk and start conversing. “How is it being in a musical together after all this time?”

“Weird. But fun. With all this dumb school rivalry I had actually forgotten we used to be friends when we were little, you know? It’s a constant self-discovery.”

“Intense.”

“Stop making fun of me!” EJ cried accusingly, brandishing a finger in her face. 

“I’m not!” Nina said, pushing his finger away with a smile, “You’re much cooler than I could ever be.”

“I’m awesome.”

Before Nina had any chance of answering, someone far away screamed, “Ezekiel Joaquin! Come over here, bro!”

“Is that your full name?” She wondered, a laugh escaping her lips.

“I don’t think so,” EJ sounded genuinely unsure. “Are you okay if I leave?”

She waved him off, “Of course!” He stumbled away, trying to reach the voice, and she was faintly glad she wouldn’t have to take care of him when he inevitably crashed down soon.

It’s not like Nina didn’t hate Ricky Bowen anymore. She still felt that anger and annoyance when he made an obnoxious comment with a cheeky smirk. But it was softer, calmer, and she often answered back with a smile instead of a frown. Maybe she hated him because it was normal, habitual, like second nature. It was how things had always been between them. It would almost be scary to think about each other as anything other than archnemesis. 

Nina walked over to the living room, her punch still in her hand, making a beeline for the snack table Ricky had set up with the fresh batch of red velvet cupcakes she had made. They had white icing and red sprinkles and were disappearing at the speed of light. She grabbed one and peeled off the reindeers cupcake liner, taking a bite as she looked around the room, watching the party as if she wasn’t apart of it. 

“Nina,” Big Red exclaimed excitedly as he walked over to her, followed closely by two of Ricky’s skater friends. Nina recognized one of the guys she had played beerpong with, Damian if she remembered correctly. She waved at them with a smile. “I heard you’re the one who decorated Ricky’s house. That’s so cool.”

She laughed, somewhat shyly, “Thanks…”

“I’ve literally never seen Bowen actually celebrate Christmas. Impressive, dude.” A guy with long blond hair said. He looked more than drunk.

Nina blushed nonetheless. “Twas not easy, but I have my ways.” Her eyes widen as she realized how it sounded and she quickly added, “Like bullying him into doing it.” She had not bullied Ricky into doing it. Really, at most she had proposed the idea to him and he had accepted, barely any convincing needed. It was easier to lie, however. Sounded more right. She didn’t know why she cared so much what three people that didn’t have the current mental capacity to think anything of it thought. She didn’t know why she cared at all. “I’m Nina,” she enthusiastically said, trying to start up a new conversation. 

“Charlie.”

“Damian.”

“Big Red,” the ginger said (and it vaguely reminded Nina of a Shrek 2 scene), “I know you already knew but I felt excluded.”

Charlie burst down laughing, definitely unjustifiedly so, throwing an arm over Big Red's shoulders and saying, “I love you bro. God, you’re the best.”

“No, I love _you_.” Big Red said with a wide grin. 

“You’re the girl I played beerpong with,” Damian exclaimed with realization, his face illuminating like a lightbulb, “You sucked.” He said with such enthusiasm. 

Nina snorted. “Thanks.”

“I’m sure you have other qualities, though.”

“She does!” Big Red proclaimed. “She’s cool _and_ she made these cupcakes.” He pointed dramatically in their direction like a stern teacher pointing at the board.

__

“Nice.” Charlie grabbed one and ate it in one bite. Without swallowing it, he said, “I love them.” Nina’s nose scrunched at the view.

__

“They’re made with love. That’s the funky aftertaste.”

__

Charlie nodded, still chewing on the pastry. “I believe you.”

__

They stayed to talk a bit more, Damian explaining this conspiracy theory he wholeheartedly believed and Nina listening attentively, sharing back with her own (Avril Lavigne died and was replaced with her lookalike Melissa. Those were _facts_ ). Eventually, they all left for diverse reasons, getting distracted by something or someone. She found herself standing by the table alone, holding an empty cup in her hand to not look too awkward (because that _definitely_ did the trick).

____

Frenemies. She guessed that’s what they were, what was most fitting. It was a complicated and fragile balance, so easily tipped on either side of the spectrum and yet, so easily brought back to its equilibrium too. That’s what kept them sane, what kept them falling back in comfortable banter. The fact that no matter what they did, no matter what they said, no matter how many fights they picked with each other and how many deep conversations while stargazing or excited Christmas decorating or recomforting hugs as one brokedown in the middle of a practice room they shared, they always found their way back to their comfort zone. Frenemies. 

____

“Nini!” Ricky yelled as he walked closer to her, still on the dance floor.

____

Ricky had a birthday party hat on and funky sunglasses hanging too low on the tip of his nose. His eyes were droopy and he tripped over his feet. He seemed to be sweating vodka and tequila as he had been dancing for hours (something pretty out of character for him. Dancing was his least favorite part of musicals). He looked happy. 

____

He was still moving his shoulders and jumping around to an old Taylor Swift song, six feet away from her, but his eyes was fixed on her. He had the widest grin on his lips as he screamed excitedly, “Come dance with me.”

____

“I don’t dance,” Nina yelled back, unable to fight a smile.

____

“I know the entire song by heart, Nini, don’t test me.” She still stayed back, shaking her head in playful disbelief. He rolled his eyes dramatically and danced over to her, grabbing her hands and pulling her on the dance floor by force, tugging her along against her will.

____

It wasn’t exactly dancing. More like jumping with their limbs flying around freely, almost smacking the people around them. They still shared goofy grins and laughed loudly as Ricky attempted the robot. Sometimes, he would grab Nina’s hands and twist her around, sending her in every directions and bringing her back to him. Nina only stepped on his foot three times and he seemed too gone to realize, barely feeling the pain as he screamed a lyric. 

____

Dancing Queen by ABBA came on and Ricky let a sorrowful cry out. “I’m no longer a dancing queen,” he whined, almost to tears. “This is heartbreaking.”

____

“No,” Nina yelled back with empathy, “Dancing queen is a feeling not an age! You will always be the dancing queen.” She patted his shoulder. “Plus, now you get to vote and do taxes.”

____

“Stop!” He moaned. “What even are taxes?”

____

Nina had a playful smile on. “You’re old, Bowen. Close to the grave.”

____

“Thank fuck!"

____

She laughed, “Yes, I think we’re all thinking that.”

____

“Hey!”

____

“Birthday boy!” Some girl screamed far away, “Come do a shot with us!” She exaggeratedly waved him over. People around her cheered, chanting his name as he laughed. 

____

“This is peer pressure,” he yelled back teasingly.

____

A guy cupped his mouth to form a megaphone, “Don’t be a pussy!”

____

“Literally the definition of peer pressure!” Nonetheless, Ricky grabbed Nina’s hand, “Come on!” He said excitedly, tugging her alone once again as he joined his friends. 

____

“That’s my man,” some tall guy said, hitting Ricky’s shoulder.

____

The girl who had called him over was pouring down vodka in transparent colorful plastic shots, laughing at a cheeky comment someone said. “Do you want one?” She asked Nina with a smile, looking directly at her.

____

“Oh, no thanks!” She politely declined, chuckling a little, “I’m not drinking tonight.”

____

“Cool. More for us!” She finished the last shot and passed it around the group, “To Ricky Bowen being born!”

____

“To Ricky Bowen being born!” People screamed back as Ricky laughed loudly, head thrown back, tipping the shot back in his mouth without wincing. 

____

“18 years old, bro,” a guy cheered excitedly, throwing an arm around the curly haired boy’s shoulders and tugging him closer. 

____

“I can’t believe you made it to 18,” a blond girl said, “With all the dumb shits you do? I was for sure convinced you would tragically die from, like, trying to stand on a moving car or something. All the more power to you man!” She raised her glass and Ricky’s friends cheered, gulping down the alcohol. 

____

Nina was surprised to admit she kinda liked Ricky’s friends. She had never surrounded herself by anything other than nerdy people (like Cool Nerdy People though). To be honest, she hadn’t surrounded herself by much people before the merge. She had always been the kind of person to be friendly and welcoming to everyone, but ultimately keeping to a small group of friend. It was shockingly fun to meet new people and expand her friend group though. 

____

“You know what legal adults can do that lame minors can’t?” One of his friends asked non-rhetorically, his voice teasing like he was about to say something cheeky, “Body shots.” 

____

Nina’s eyes widened as she heard the words, her entire body freezing in its spot. She felt like a bucket of ice water had been thrown over her. What had she been thinking a few seconds ago? Where was her train of thoughts?

____

His friends cheered and Ricky chuckled in his embarrassment. “Guys, come on…”

____

Nina shook her head slightly, trying to shake off the astonishment, looking up at Ricky with a grin to try and look unsuspicious, to bland herself with his friends. He wasn’t looking at her, trying to calm down the crowd of people chanting ‘Do it! Do it! Do it!’ at him (she could not bring herself to participate in the chants). 

____

He finally rolled his eyes dramatically, “Fine, you whores.” Celebratory and victorious screams resonated around her, but Nina stayed quiet.

____

She vaguely considered making a subtle exit, but before the thought could fully be formed, Ricky was taking off his shirt. Nina looked away immediately, a blush spreading on her cheeks.

____

_Ricky was taking off his shirt._

____

“You pretty son of a bitch,” his friend laughed. Nina was decidedly avoiding looking into Ricky’s general direction, fixing her eyes on the snowflakes they had scotched on his wall a few weeks ago. She had no idea what he was doing, but she heard ruckus and shouts. 

____

“Who’s taking the shot?” 

____

“I mean, twas my idea,” a deep voice said boastedly. 

____

“You didn’t need to do all that to get me out of my clothes, Omar,” Ricky answered cheekily. 

____

“But what’s the fun in that?”

____

Nina let herself cast a quick glance to what was happening (a bad idea!). Ricky was laying back down on the a table, still shirtless, and his friend Omar was licking his collarbone. Nina’s brain was short circuiting and she was once again freezed in her position, unable to look away. Her cheeks flushed severly and she probably matched with the red solo cups some of them were still sipping from. 

____

Omar poured salt over the wet skin and pooled tequila on the concave part around his belly button and Nina watched, her eyes trailing over his movements, following his hands religiously, discovering the skin underneath at the same time. Ricky was less frail and noodly than she had always taken him for, had more muscles that tensed under the attention and the cold. His skin was smooth. His jaw was clenched and his mouth looked redder while holding the contrasting lime. She kept watching and couldn’t stop herself, warmth spreading in her body (since when was Ricky Bowen _hot_?). 

____

Omar bent down and licked the salt off his collabone. He took the shot, Ricky giggling furiously at the feeling, and bit down on the lime, squeezing it with his teeth as he came back up, sending Ricky a wink. Nina kind of wished she had been drinking today after all. 

____

Toxic by Britney Spears started playing and Nina immediately excused herself (not that anyone really noticed), saying that she loved this song. She _ran_. She hid herself within the dancing crowd, right in the middle of the movements and agitations, trying to chase her whirling thoughts away with the overwhelming motions. She couldn’t comprehend what had happened to her back there, couldn’t put a finger down on her feelings. 

____

So she stayed there, completely unmoving, fixing the void, sticking out like a sore thumb amidst all the action. 

____

“Nini!” Ricky slurred, obviously coming back dancing after his shots. He looked far worse than when they had stood there together merely thirty minutes ago. He was kind of wobbly and looked like he was standing at an 75 degree angle. He was still shirtless (and Nina was _not_ looking).

____

“Having fun?” Her tone was teasing. _Clearly_ he had been having fun. 

____

He nodded exaggeratedly, his head violently coming up and down, “This is the best birthday ever.” He almost fell and Nina quickly grabbed his arms, trying to stabilize him.

____

Looking at him with worry as he tried to find his footing, she asked, “Are you okay?”

____

Ricky stood there, his face scrunching as he tried to assess the question. He seemed to be thinking deeply about the answer, like he couldn’t figure it out. He gagged and his eyes widened, looking at Nina with terror as he said, “I don’t think I’m okay.”

____

“Shit,” she barked, grabbing him and tugging him to the bathroom. He walked difficultly and she had to put his arm around her shoulders for him to manage to get anywhere. The downstairs bathroom was occupied and Ricky looked green, his head falling down against his will. Unable to wait, Nina decided to try and conquer the stairs, holding him up as he struggled to walk up each step. 

____

As soon as they made it to the upstairs bathroom, Ricky threw himself down in front of the toilet and puked his guts out. Nina sighed, closing the door, remembering when she had been glad to avoid taking care of EJ. This was surely karma. 

____

Nina walked over to where he kneeled and sat down on the edge of the bath, rubbing his naked back as his head lingered on top of the toilet, breathing heavily. His skin was warm. 

____

“Sorry,” Ricky groaned. 

____

“It’s fine.” He threw up again and she grimaced, looking away, tracing comforting patterns on his back. “This is an ad about the dangers of peer pressure.” Ricky chuckled lightly, still looking down. 

____

“Remind me to never drink again.”

____

“Would you listen if I did?”

____

“No.”

____

They stayed in comfortable silence, Nina’s thoughts running wild. It felt like she had been at this party for years, felt like it had only been an emotional rollercoaster for her. She pondered over the night’s events. 

____

“Do you ever think how weird and unbelievable it would be for six-months-ago-us if they saw now-us?” Her voice was soft and soothing. She was looking directly in front of her at the light green wall. Her fingers were still slowly rubbing Ricky’s skin, but he was sitting straighter now.

____

“I don’t think.”

____

“Visibly,” she said sassily and he let out a scoff. 

____

Ricky groaned, turning his body to sit against his bath, parallel to Nina. It looked physically painful for him to move. Her hand fell down his back and she retrieved it to her knees, losing a warmth she didn’t know she was getting from him. 

____

They stayed silent a while longer, staring at the same wall side by side. Nina was pondering over the night, trying to vaguely sort out her feelings. She affirmed matter-of-factly after a time, “I think you’re kind of my friend, Richard.” He once again groaned loudly, grimacing. She snorted, “You don’t have to look so disgusted about it. I’ve been dealing with that all on my own.”

____

“No, it’s just,” Ricky sounded sleepy. “I knew that was gonna happen one day when you started calling me any other name starting with Ri.”

____

She frowned, not following him. “What? Richard?” He winced again. She was still confused, her eyebrows furrowed, until realization hit her and her face brightened, a gleeful smile overtaking her face, “Your name is actually Richard!”

____

“Maybe,” Ricky sounded ashamed. She burst down laughing, throwing her head back. 

____

“Oh God, this is the best news ever. I cannot express how much this makes me happy.” She nudged his shoulder with her knee, “Your name is Richard.”

____

“Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up.”

____

“All this time, your name was Richard!”

____

“Shut up!” Nina giggled again, unable to control it. 

____

“You’re ready to be an uncle. You have the name and everything.”

____

“I don’t have the sibling.”

____

She smirked conspiraciously, “Not yet.”

____

Ricky grunted, his head falling back on the edge of the bath, “Don’t remind me.”

____

“Of what?” Nina said with humor, laughing at his dramatics. 

____

“My mom’s new boyfriend. My mom’s new life. Who knows when she’ll have a new kid and forget all about me?” His tone was humorous too but Nina quickly turned serious.

____

A slight concerned frown overtook her features. She came down from the edge of the bath, sitting on the ground beside Ricky. “What was she like?” Nina said softly.

____

Ricky sighed, exhaling deeply, him too becoming serious. “Nice, I guess. I don’t know. She was a mom. She read me stories and tucked me in and checked under my bed for monsters.”

____

“What is she like now?”

____

“I wouldn’t know.”

____

Nina crossed her legs, her knees digging into Ricky’s thigh. “I thought she called,” she murmured. Her tone was sad. 

____

He snorted, his head bouncing freely with the motion. “On Christmas. And my birthday. And Thanksgiving. I go to visit her one week in the summer, too.”

____

She bit her lip, looking at him with sorrow. He said it so nonchalantly, as if he didn’t care, but Nina’s heart broke a little for him. “You must miss her a lot.”

____

“No,” he piped up immediately, his tone defensive. “Sometimes,” Ricky whispered after a moment, his voice low, his eyes looking down at the tiled floor. And maybe it was the alcohol coming down, but he looked exhausted. 

____

“It’s okay to miss her, you know? Even if you’re mad, even if you’re hurt, even if you hate her. She’s your mother. All of that doesn’t mean you can’t miss her.”

____

“I just kinda wished she stayed, you know?” Ricky turned 18 today but at this very moment, he sounded like a child. Nina kind of wanted to hug him.

____

“I know.”

____

He sighed, still looking down, seeming even more sad. It looked like he was about to fall asleep and about to cry at the same time. “I just don’t know what I did.” 

____

“What _you_ did? You didn’t _do_ anything.” Her tone was very pointed, trying to make herself clear, to make sure he believed her. There was an overpowering envy to protect Ricky Bowen settling itself in her bones. He still avoided her eyes, not seeming to believe her. “It’s not your fault,” she tried again, warmer. “You can’t _make_ someone stay.”

_____ _

His lower lip shivered. “I can make someone leave.” His voice was emotional. It looked like he was about to cry, desperately holding it in. 

_____ _

Nina had never wanted to fight someone more than Ricky’s mother (and she had _really_ wanted to fight Ricky many times before). She twisted her body around to look at him, her eyes only meeting his side profile. “Listen to me, Bowen. You didn’t make your mother leave. She left all on her own for her own selfish reasons.” He said nothing and Nina reached out and grabbed his hand, squeezing it. He finally looked up, turning his head around. He had tears pooling in his eyes and Nina wanted to hold him tightly against her until all of his pain went away. “There’s nothing you could have done to make her leave. I swear. Like, I’ve literally hated your guts for a good three years and I still know there was absolutely nothing you could have ever done to make this your fault.”

_____ _

“How do you know?” His voice broke and a tear slipped from his eye. He didn’t make a move to dry it, almost didn’t realize it was even there. Nina could feel the emotion getting to her too, snaking its way up her body to her eyes, pooling them with water.

_____ _

“Because you’re not a bad person,” she said with intent. “And it’s never a child’s fault whatever shitty thing their parents do. It’s not your fault.”

_____ _

Ricky was simply looking at her, eyes wide, the tiniest of frowns between his two eyebrows, shaking. He looked youthful and innocent. A tear still rolled down his cheek and Nina couldn’t stop herself from reaching out and cupping his cheek, rubbing it away with her thumb. She let her hand stay there, caressing his skin recomfortly, and he tilted his head, leaning into it. 

_____ _

“ _Happy_ birthday, am I right?” She exclaimed quickly, dropping her hand. He chuckled slightly, shaking his head to shake off the emotions. 

_____ _

After a moment, Ricky said, “I think you’re kind of my friend too.”

_____ _

“Yeah?” Nina smiled teasingly. He grinned back.

_____ _

“Yeah.”

_____ _

“I still hate you, though.”

_____ _

“Oh, totally,” he nodded eagerly, wholeheartedly agreeing.

_____ _

She hesitated a little, scrunching her face as she thought. “Kind of.”

_____ _

“ _Sometimes_.”

_____ _

Nina smiled. “Let’s get you some water and then you’ll go sleep all this off.” She gestured generally at him. 

_____ _

Ricky drank water directly from the faucet and brushed his teeth, barely standing upright, his eyes closing sleepily for most of it. She helped him walk to his bedroom, which he vaguely pointed to, and watched him crash down on the bed as soon as they entered it. 

_____ _

His room was more orderly than she had anticipated. Still messy, but she could see the floor, which was more than she had ever imagined ( _not_ that she ever thought about Ricky’s bedroom, obviously). He was already drooling on the covers, his eyes closed. 

_____ _

“At least get in the bed,” Nina sighed, walking over to his bed to raise the covers. He groaned but still somewhat sat up, sliding underneath them. He made an happy sound and she smiled. “Goodnight,” she whispered.

_____ _

“Do you think I’ll remember this tomorrow?” Ricky was already half asleep.

_____ _

“No,” her voice was barely audible as she walked away from the bed, closing the lights. “But I will.” Nina closed the door behind her.

_____ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you liked it! idk when the next chapter will come since i still have schoolwork but hopefully not too long...  
> if you want to follow me on twitter where i’ll most likely give updates it’s @lottielotsoff !


	11. chapter eleven

It had finally came. After waiting for an entire year, watching a marathon of Hallmark movies and listening to her Christmas playlist on repeat for a good two months, the holiday season had finally came. 

Nina loved the day of Christmas, the elaborate brunch, the soft light of the morning, the unwrapping of the presents in pyjamas, the gifts, the snowmen and the hot chocolates. Hell, she adored it. There was not a day in the entire year that could get better than the 25th. Except, of course, for Christmas Eve. 

Christmas Eve was just inexplicably better. Reuniting with your entire family. So much food prepared and eaten it was impossible to even dream of dessert, and yet devouring it entirely as soon as it was out. Everyone talking over each other until it was impossible to hear, and yet the night being filled with good conversations, laughters and screams. A drunk aunt spilling wine on the tablecloth, someone yelling for salt. Dumb games played and cheated on. Dancing to traditional music until it slowly transformed into a karaoke. There was just something entirely magical about Christmas Eve. Nina was never happier than on that specific day. 

And yet, through all the smiles and happy memories being made, all the warmth and nostalgia she was feeling for something that hadn’t yet passed but she knew without a doubt she would look back fondly on in a few years, months, days, Nina felt her heart pinch every time she thought about Ricky. She felt sad and sorry, as she sat there in a room full of love, imaging a lonely little boy in a big lonely house. She thought of the day surely being a harsh reminder of his mother’s absence. She thought about how he must be blaming himself, at this moment, eating a diner for two. She thought about the call he surely shared with her, banalities exchanged, and how hard it must be to talk to someone who makes you feel unworthy. She thought about how sad he must be and she felt sad too. 

Nina’s smile faltered slightly as she watched her moms slow dance in the living room and her cousin excitedly tell an embarrassing story about her sister while playing cards, the sister in question groaning as she heard the events unfold. This was her happy place. She should be happy. Why wasn’t she happy? 

She sighed, waving away her thoughts and fears about how strange it would be, and grabbed her phone. 

**nini:** hey bowen  
**nini:** merry christmas:)  
**nini:** hope you’re having a good time!

 **richurd:** hi  
**richurd:** thanks  
**richurd:** merry christmas for you as well:)

 **nini:** ur so lame 

**richurd:** now now this isn’t very christmas spirity of you 

**nini:** :,(

 **richurd:** :p

 **nini:** i take it back i hope you have an awful christmas

 **richurd:** :0

 **nini:** PRANK i still wish you a merry christmas because that’s what it’s all about

 **richurd:** please i can’t handle these plot twists

“Who are you texting?” Her noisy little cousin asked, leaning over her shoulder to read. Nina’s smile dropped.

She closed her phone, putting it back in her backpocket as she looked back at her cards with seriousness, as if she was completely involved in the game. “No one.”

__________

What was great about the holiday season was that no one could stop you from having as many celebrations as you wanted to. Nina and her mothers generally hosted another Christmas party with family friends, the house reviving with the new people drinking, dancing and laughing. They had an ongoing tradition of secret santa and they always sat in a circle in the living room at midnight. They had not spent a year without crying. 

Nina also had celebrations with her own circle of friends. This season, they had decided to do two separate parties. One with the OG friends where they exchanged their gifts and watched The Polar Express to maintain their yearly tradition, singing on top of their lungs the Hot Chocolate song. Another with their theater crew, without the gifts (which would become too expensive and difficult to buy. Who knew what Big Red wanted? A fun hat perhaps?) and the mediocre movie.

All eight teens part of the very official Theater Crew were reunited at Ashlyn’s house, plus EJ who hadn’t exactly infiltrated their ranks but shared blood with the host and was likeable enough to only have good times with the group. Ashlyn’s house was comfy and welcoming, a bit like a second home for most of them. Nina had been there less than three days ago and she was already glad to be back. 

“I just think that Reputation is Taylor Swift’s best album,” EJ said with a straight face, sitting back, hands intercrossed. He had been making wild claims all night and watching back the chaos he created. It had been a very eventful get-together. Friendships had been ruined and put back together with tape.

“When Lover is right there?” Kourtney tsked, giving him a judgemental glare. “The lack of taste. Astonishing.”

He turned to look at her straight in the eyes, challenging. It was clear he did not fear God. “Lay All Your Love On Me is better than Dancing Queen and Mamma Mia.”

Gina piped up, “Now wait a minute here…” She was wearing a black velvet dress and had hot cocoa in her hand. She looked very Christmas-y. And outraged.

EJ shrugged, “I said what I said.”

“He’s a mad man!” Seb exclaimed, nestled in the shoulder of his boyfriend. He was watching the whole thing go down with very little involvement, contrary with Carlos who only got more heated at every word EJ spoke. 

Carlos’ eyebrows were furrowed, a deep frown settling itself on his face. “Those songs were a cultural reset, Ernesto Jaguar.”

“Doesn’t make them better.” You could practically see the smoke coming out of their ears, the fury evading their body like sweat. 

“I think he’s right,” Big Red said. Heads whipped in his direction, death glares thrown his way.

Nina stood up, raising her arms, exclaiming, “Oof, I don’t want to see this.” Before walking to the kitchen, leaving behind her arguments and screams. 

She had used up her very last cupcake liners to make them all a batch and she looked at them with a little nostalgia. These would be the last holiday cupcakes for a year. Sure, there could be regular ones, but it didn’t feel the same way, didn’t give her the instant boost of joy.

“Are you trying to decide if you should eat a cupcake?” Ricky asked as he walked in, sparing her a glance before going straight for the fridge. “Because if so, I am here to solve all your problems. Yes. Yes, you should.”

“My hero,” Nina said sarcastically, turning around towards the fridge. She could only see his back as Ricky grabbed a coke. “No tequila shots this time?” 

He groaned at the memory, turning around with a shameful and embarrassed expression. He looked like he wanted her to stop talking. “Please, I beg of you, delete all memories of me you have of that night.”

Nina honestly had no idea what he remembered of his birthday ( _if_ he remembered anything, that is). It wasn’t like they had talked about it. She kind of wanted to talk about it. There was just so much that had been said, so many moments that had been shared, and it was frustrating not to know if Ricky had any memory of them. She was seeing him in a whole new light and he might not have any idea that it happened at all. She kind of wished he did.

“You know I’d never do that,” she let a small laugh out. “I love remembering times you’ve embarrassed yourself. Helps me sleep at night.”

“Yeah?” Ricky said cheekily. He added with a smirk, “You think about me a lot in bed?” 

Nina narrowed her eyes, boring holes through his skull. “Gross.”

“Come on.” His laugh was joyful, opening his coke. “You walked right into that one. You can only blame yourself.”

“No, no. I blame you.” He rolled his eyes dramatically, taking a sip of the beverage. “So, how much did you even drink? I was only there for a few shots.” ( _Smooth, Nina._ )

“God, I have no idea. It’s blurry.”

“Blurry, huh? How much do you even remember from that night?”

Ricky winced, “Barely anything. I was blackout most of the night.”

“Oh.” It wasn’t exactly surprising. For Ricky to confess his childhood trauma and cry in front of her, he had to be gone enough to not remember it the next day. She had always known, really, even as it was happening. It was still kind of disappointing.

“Yeah…” He trailed, playing with his can tab. “Is there... anything that I _should_ remember?” Ricky sounded awkward and hopeful at the same time. 

Nina frowned, wondering what he could mean. Then realization hit her, “Oh my god, you think we…” She stammered, eyes wide, shocked. He almost looked as surprised as her as he heard her answer. “We did _not_.” 

Ricky let a relieved sigh out, a bit too quick. “Yes, I was definitely thinking that. _Phew_.” He gulped down on his coke to shut himself up. Before Nina could question on him on his weird behavior, Gina burst in the room, pissed. 

“If I murder EJ, do not prosecute me. He deserves it on accounts of I hate him.”

Nina had an amused smile, “What did he say now?”

“Barbie and the Twelve Dancing Princesses is better than Barbie and the Pauper! And Kourtney agreed!” Gina grabbed a bag of chips from the cupboard, going directly for it as if she had always known this house, as if it was the most familiar thing ever. “His head looks real good with bullets in it right now.” She turned around and flew back to the living room, already yelling back an argument. 

Nina watched her friends, sitting together, snacks and drinks on the table, grinning and laughing as they argued, eccentric insults thrown each other’s way. This felt right. “Maybe we should intervene before this becomes a bloodbath,” she proposed, turning back to look at Ricky, his eyes already on her.

“Yeah. I can’t afford to go to jail if a murder goes down.”

Nina snorted, “Please, white boy, you’d be fine.”

They came back to the living room with board games and a fresh bowl of popcorn. They played many games, always changing which after one round, Ricky complaining and accusing everyone of cheating when he inevitably lost (he was definitely right about EJ though). 

“You know, for someone who’s such a sore loser, you really never win.” Nina teased, looking at her cards innocently. 

Ricky was throwing daggers at her. “This is a hate crime.”

She put down a card dramatically, giving him a defying smirk, “Cry about it, bitch boy.”

Seb ended up winning and, because he was nice, he didn’t rub it in anyone’s faces, simply squealing happily, clapping his hands. 

Around 10 PM, after a long argument of whether or not they would be the dumb teens in a horror movie if they did so, they decided to leave the comfort of the house to adventure themselves to East High and what it remained. None of the Easters had revisited it since it burnt down and there was a strange need to go see it. So they all put on their winter coats and boots and stepped outside, the cold reddening their cheeks. 

EJ, Ricky and Big Red immediately ran in the snow, throwing at each other the occasional snowball, their pants wet as they played around. Still on the safe sidewalk, the rest of the band were watching them in the small window between their hat and scarf, mitten covered hands shoved in their coatpockets. 

“So,” Carlos started as they walked tightly around each other, screams from three manchildren in the distance, “Who do you think is dying first?”

“Is that even a question?” Gina asked, “I’m black, a woman _and_ gay. The horror movie gods would take me out in five minutes.”

Kourtney wheezed, “Please, they wish they could.” 

“Maybe the people who are off running around in the dark? Just a thought?” Seb answered.

“I love that boy but Big Red would definitely be first. He’d trust anyone.” Ashlyn gave Nina a side-eye, “You’d probably be second.”

“Hey!” She cried, offended. “That is not nice. And there’s still two other very valid guesses _still_ running around in the dark.”

__

“You think the conventionally attractive white men would die first? Really? Don’t make me laugh.”

__

East High School was a construction site, a faint memory of what the place had once been haunting the land as a half burned but still standing old structure. They stopped in front of it, stuck in their place, looking at it in silence. Gone was the place where they had gone to class for three years, the nooks and secret spots they had discovered, the auditorium they had first played on, all the places where their most prized souvenirs were held. It was now nothing but ash and wood. 

__

“It’s kind of anticlimactic,” Carlos said after a time. 

__

“Yeah,” Seb trailed, still looking at what remained of his old high school. “I thought I’d break down crying or something.”

__

They lingered there for a moment more, looking at East High with nostalgia, but not sadness, not wanting, not needing, not missing. 

__

“We should go back,” Kourtney said and they all nodded, turning around in the direction they came from. 

__

Finally back at Ashlyn’s house, they shuffled in the kitchen and stood around Ashlyn as she made them all hot chocolates, holding the burning cups with both their hands, trying to bring senses back to them, their cheeks red and their noses runny. 

__

“Okay, since we’re not doing gifts,” Nina started and a few glances were exchanged between friends. She understood why they chose the no gifts policy, but she was still somewhat grumpy about it. She just loved giving so much, loved seeing the faces of her loved ones as they opened the present she had thought long and hard about for a few months, loved seeing the emotion and love in their faces as they hugged her, thanking her. “I thought we could all share our favorite memory with each person. It’s free but still has the spirit of Christmas and that’s what it's all about, baby.”

__

Everyone agreed excitedly, delighted by the idea Nina had proposed, slowly migrating towards the living room as they did so. Nina sat in-between Kourtney and Ashlyn, perching a leg on top of the redhead’s.

__

“I’ll go first,” Nina grinned, a rush of happiness coming up her brain. “Kourtney, my favorite memory with you is not exactly one, but all the times you came to visit me while I was working at the ice cream shop this summer. You’d just hang around for a few hours and we would talk and you’d make things way less boring and the fact that you would do this for me would warm my heart every single time. And still does. I love you.”

__

Kourtney awed, pouting as she threw her arms over Nina’s shoulder, squeezing her in her arms. “I love you too babe.” She said, her cheek pressed against her friend’s. 

__

Nina went around and gave each one her favorite memory, warmth and sweetness coating her voice. She received many tight hugs and soft thank yous against her hair. She was filled with love.

__

“Ricky,” his name came out of her mouth like a period. He looked up at her, looking almost surprised she would mention him too. “My favorite memory with you is when Miss Jenn forced us to bond in the old classroom.” 

__

Nina did not explain why, didn’t add cute prose on why she loved this moment. It was something just between the two of them and she would never want to unveil it with all of their friends present. They didn’t seem to pry either. But she knew Ricky understood, knew in the way he looked at her, soft and tender, almost affectionate. A small grin spread on his lips. They did not hug.

__

Everyone went around the room, recalling their memories, talking for hours as they cooed and laughed. There was exactly 72 more “gifts” to go around and they took their sweet time, relishing in their love and appreciation for each other. 

__

Ricky had ended up going last, stressed about finding the perfect memory, afraid of not comparing with the beautiful speeches they all came up with on the top of their heads. He did compare after all, giving each of them a unique and kind moment, even those who he was not as close to. 

__

“My favorite memory with Nini is,” his eyes settled on her, the last gift of the night. Ricky gave her a teasing smirk and said, “Halloween.”

__

It was late in the night or early in the morning, sleepiness slowly creeping its way in the teens’ bodies, settling in their eyes and their nonsensical conversations, Carlos and Seb already wishing them good night as they left, that Nina went to find Ricky. She had been waiting for him to be alone, really alone, and she found it in the music room, hidden from their friends’ chatter. 

__

She softly knocked at the door, walking in without waiting for an answer. He was sitting on the piano bench, looking at the keys. She sat down right beside him and he didn’t acknowledge her, almost like he knew it was her.

__

“Do you play?”

__

“A little.”

__

Nina smiled, “Play me something.”

__

Ricky nudged her with his shoulder, a playful smirk on his lips, “Ugh, groupies. So demanding.” She faked a gasp. Still, he raised his hand to the keyboard.

__

It took him a little moment to start playing, his hands flying over the keys. like he didn’t know what to do. And then, Ricky dropped down his fingers, moving them around skillfully. It was a slow and sorrowful song, something sad and tragic about it. It was beautiful. Nina didn’t recognize it. When he finished, he still wouldn’t look up at her.

__

“Wow, Richard. That was great.”

__

He blushed, “Thanks.”

__

“What was it?”

__

“Oh. Just something I wrote.” He shrugged nonchalantly, like it was the most natural and unimportant thing ever. 

__

Nina was impressed, saying with astonishment, “You write?”

__

“Don’t sound so surprised,” Ricky teased her, surely to deflect the conversation.

__

“I write too.” Nina said it very nonchalantly too.

__

“You do?”

__

“Yeah. Maybe we should write something together someday.”

__

“Yeah,” Ricky spoke softly, almost a murmur. “Maybe.”

__

Nina cleared her throat, looking away, saying with confidence, “That’s not why I’m here though.” 

__

He sighed exaggeratedly, “If it’s about the Halloween joke, it was-” He started.

__

“No, that’s not it,” she cut, blushing faintly. She really didn’t want to talk about the Halloween Mishap with him, not alone in the music room. Nina digged in her bag and brought out a cube, wrapped with the most care and precision. It was green and red, definitely jolly. “Tada!” She said excitedly.

__

“What… What’s that?”

__

She rolled her eyes. “Have you never heard of a gift before, Bowen?”

__

“We’re not supposed to give gifts.”

__

“And yet here we are.”

__

“I can’t accept this.”

__

“You haven’t even opened it yet,” Nina cried defensively, pushing it in his direction, waiting with a smile. He still looked at her, unmoving, and she shook it slightly, trying to lure him (a bit like those cat treats ads). “Come on, don’t be a grinch, you know how much I like giving gifts.”

__

“Fine,” Ricky exclaimed, something annoyed and pissed in the word. “I won’t be accepting it though. This is breaking the rules.”

__

Nina completely ignored his comment as she watched him open it, biting her lip eagerly. He ripped the packaging, finding a small box underneath it. Ricky raised an eyebrow, opening it slowly, looking inside. He parted his lips, shock and emotion overtaking his features. 

__

In the box was a red sparkly Christmas ball with a sad looking rudolph orning it.

__

“So you can start your own tradition.” Nina was looking up at him with a gleeful smile, looking at him with excitment. He stared back at her, silent, his eyebrows furrowed a little in gratitude. He looked like he had nothing to say. He looked touched. “I thought about getting you a Santa beard but I thought that might have been a weird tradition to have. No one should be collecting santa beards, even in the name of Christmas.” She joked, trying to lighten the mood.

__

“ _Thank you_.” Ricky said it with emphasis and point, trying to make sure she knew how much he meant it, how much it meant to him. Before she could answer anything, he threw his arms around her and tightly held her against him, his hands squeezing her back to try and convey with actions how much he appreciated it.

__

“I guess you’re not taking it back, huh?” Nina joked, hugging him back, hearing him chuckle. She whispered against his ear, “Merry Christmas, Ricky.” (and Ricky realized how good his name sounded on her tongue, how much he wanted her to say it again).

__

“Merry Christmas.”

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! if you don't remember the Christmas ball is the one Ricky pointed to saying he liked it when they went Christmas shopping in chapter eight:)


	12. chapter twelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hi! sorry for the long wait, it took me some time to write it, and then with the black lives matter movement happening right now, it didn’t feel appropriate to post it. i hope you guys are signing petitions, donating if you can and staying aware of the current events! do not stay silent during these times.
> 
> it has come to my attention that most of you don’t know heathers the musical lmao. i thought i should tell you guys now two songs that are kind of important. you should listen to them, but if not, i’ll give you a quick summary!  
> dead girl walking: the song where veronica and jd kiss for the first time (and have sex), the start of their relationship  
> seventeen: it’s basically a love song about how they’re choosing each other instead of the murders and revenge they’ve been doing. a plea to just be normal teens. (spoiler, doesn’t last lmao)
> 
> anyway these are important songs of veronica and jd’s relationship so obviously they’re kinda important in ricky and nini’s relationship too
> 
> also, this chapter is very much mediocre and kind of a filler so lower your expectations right now please! the next one is much better!

“I literally cannot believe you managed to convince me to do this,” Ricky said, sitting down on a bench, rented ice skates on his feet. He was looking directly at the ice with apprehension, as if it was his greatest enemy. He hadn’t moved in a while. 

Nina was already on the ice, waiting for him with a slight mocking smile. “I literally cannot believe you’ve never ice skated before.”

“It’s slippery. I could fall and crack my skull and then no one would ever see my pretty face again.”

She gave him a solemn look. “And the world would be better for it.”

Ricky crossed his arms, pursing his lips and upping his nose in judgement. “You’re not doing a very good job at convincing me.”

She rolled her eyes, a playful look in her eyes. “Stop being a pussy and come here!”

“Pussy is misogynistic. Why should the female genitalia be associated with weakness and cowardice?” He defended wholeheartedly, completely deflecting and changing the conversation.

“Pussy is short for pusillanimous, a synonym of coward, woke king.”

Ricky pursed his lips, narrowing his eyes slightly at her. She gave him an innocent look, smiling. He was clearly trying to find something else to get him out of this, the wheels behind his eyes turning as he looked at her silently. He seemed to be coming up short. 

Nina sighed, skating the short distance between them, stopping right in front of his sitting and closed off body. He vaguely looked like a bratty child, ignoring her gaze as she towered over him. She gave her an empathic smile, saying softly, “I promise I won’t let you fall.” 

She offered him her hand, patiently waiting. Ricky finally looked up at her, hesitant, before sighing and grabbing it, standing up. He awkwardly walked on the ice, kind of like a baby deer's first steps. 

“I’m gonna die.”

“You’re being dramatic.” Right as she said this, Ricky slipped, his limbs flailing wildly around him as he tried to find his footing, a terrified expression on his face. Nina grabbed his other hand quickly, stabilizing him, before throwing her head back and bursting out laughing. 

Ricky frowned, his lips set in a thin line, “It’s not funny.”

She calmed down, grinning up at him with a flame of humor and happiness in her eyes. “It’s kind of funny.” He gave her a death glare, much less threatening than he seemed to think it was. It was definitely not enough to take away her smile. 

Nina started slow, holding his two bare hands, skating backwards. He waited until she was far away, until both their arms were completely extended and she was tugging him along and he had no other choice but to try and follow her. It was not a very successful attempt. 

“You need to glide, Bowen. You can’t just _walk_ , it’s _ice_.”

Ricky looked up at her, somewhat annoyed in a childish way, his eyebrows furrowed but his lips pouted. “It’s easier said than done, Salrobs.” Just as he said that, two small children skated right past him, seemingly in a race of some kind. He looked almost embarrassed and, for his sake, Nina stifled a laugh. 

“Just let your foot actually slide across the ice. Look,” She followed her own instructions, slowly skating backwards while Ricky still awkwardly followed her. 

“You can cut the crap, now. You’re trying to murder me, right?”

“Yes. Now glide before I let go of your hands and let you fend for yourself.” Ricky’s eyes widened, terrified, and just for saying that he gripped her hands tighter.

But Ricky did try nonetheless, his feet tentatively sliding back, until he grew assured and started mostly skating, something still shaky about it. However, he managed to catch up with Nina, their bodies much closer and their arms bending slightly. That was enough for her and, without a warning, she dropped his hands. Ricky squeaked, terror overtaking his features, and he immediately fell face first, his body sliding on the ice. 

“Oh no,” Nina said, concerned, but still laughing as she skated over to him. He stayed on the ground, defeated, and it pinched her heart slightly. 

“I’m never trusting you again,” he groaned and she let out a small giggle.

“Didn’t know you trusted me before.”

Ricky sat up, looking at his red hands who took most of the impact. “I hope whoever decided to run on ice on tiny blades is rotting in hell.”

“You know they’re in heaven for blessing the Earth with this sport, don’t lie to yourself.” Once again, Nina offered him her hand with a smile, and even though he had just affirmed he would never trust her again, Ricky took her hand and stood up.

He continued skating and he continued falling. Nina took care to laugh at him only a _little_ as he screamed and yelled and bruised. No matter that, he always accepted her hand back when she offered it to him, trying again (it was very admirable of him).

Right now, Ricky was sitting on the ice, clothes wet, a frown on his face, hands red and torn. 

“I’m cold,” he announced, refusing to move. 

Nina stopped in front of him, the blades coming to a quick and sharp break, snowflakes flying. “Of course you are, idiot. You’re not wearing the right clothes.”

“Yes I am!” He cried, looking up at her with affront.

“You’re missing mittens, a hat, a scarf and I can bet an arm you don’t have warm socks.”

He stayed silent for two seconds, before retorting, “Well I’m wearing a coat.” She rolled her eyes at him. “A _winter_ coat,” he pressed. 

Nina let out some kind of sound close to ‘ugh’, something exasperated and resigned to it. “Fine,” she said, although he hadn’t asked for anything. She took off her mittens, offering them to him. “Here, you can have them.”

Ricky raised an eyebrow, confused, “What? But they’re yours.” He finally stood up, the whole thing very ungraceful without the girl’s help.

“I know. But I’m wearing the proper attire, you see. And my hands aren’t constantly in contact with the cold, hard ice because I haven’t fallen once, if you remember correctly.” 

He completely overlooked her slight diss. “I can’t accept them. You’ll be cold.” 

Nina extended her hand further, the mittens shoved on Ricky’s chest, trying to convince him to take them. He did not move. “Just take them, Rickwad.”

“No.”

“I’m being nice.”

“So am I,” Ricky smirked. 

“We can share them.” She said it as if it was a business deal (one she was death set on _winning_ ), something very formal to it. He tilted his head, confused. “Like, you get them for ten minutes, and then I get them for ten minutes, and then you get them for ten minutes…”

He was as neutral and stiff as her, no emotion on his face as he said, “Like they are our children of divorce and they must deal with the emotional exhaustion and trauma of constant back and forth.”

“Yes.”

“What’s the name of the kids?”

Nina immediately answered with, “Cassie and James.”

“Cassie and James?” Ricky mocked, snorting. “Why are we naming them like we’re straight people?”

“I,” she said, slightly ashamed and offended. “You name them then.” Her tone was defensive, a slight frown supporting it.

He hummed, “Ophelia and Adelaide. See, I didn’t give them boy names, as I am not interested in creating more men in this world.” He let out a proud smile and she laughed a little, mostly by puffing air out of her nose.

“You’re gonna take the kids then?” Nina was still pressing the mittens against his chest. 

“Fine, I’ll take the kids.” Ricky grabbed the pink mitts like it was a challenge and put them on, showing off his covered hands to her. “Happy?”

“Very.”

However, after skating around with mittens for a while, Ricky seemed to have a newfound love for the concept and, suddenly, refused to give them back. He had long passed the 10 minutes and was still holding onto them, shaking them excitedly everytime he completed one of his ‘tricks’ (as he called them), which really just consisted of kind of doing a spin. 

“It’s my turn with the mittens,” Nina claimed, warming up her hands together. They had turned red and she barely felt the tip of her fingers. 

“What, why?” He sounded shocked, bringing his covered hands to his chest like it was a prized possession. 

She gave him a deadpanned look, her lips still vaguely in a ‘oh’ shape from blowing warm air on her hands. “Because I’m cold.”

“But you have scarves and hats and socks,” Ricky said defensively. 

“My hands are freezing.”

Ricky looked away, saying somewhat snobly, “Sounds like a you problem.”

Nina let out a gasp. “Give me back the mittens right now, Richard Bowen.”

“No!”

“This is illegal. It’s kidnapping. You’re not allowed to take the kids and split.” She said accusingly, a scorn on her face. 

He simply smiled down at her condescendly, “Who’s gonna stop me? The police? You?”

Nina heard the challenge in his voice and answered confidently, “Yeah, me!” 

In a desperate effort to prove her point and win this, she shoved both her hands in her already-worn-by-Ricky mittens. The position was pretty awkward, their arms stiff and weirdly straight and twisted as the back of their hands faced each other. The mitts tightness did not help, their hands laying strangely as she took precious care to not touch his skin. 

Ricky looked down at their joined hands, then back at her pursed lips and defying glare. “Do you think the kids are happy that we’re reunited?”

She couldn’t help herself but smile. “I’m sure Ophelia and Adelaide are thrilled.” He grinned back at her. 

“They’re living every divorced parents’ kid’s dream.”

They stayed there for a moment more, their arms growing more and more uncomfortable from the unusual position, but still not daring to move. Very slowly, Nina placed the back of her hands against Ricky’s, inch by inch, starting from their wrist to the very point of their fingers (well, Nina’s fingers. Her hands were much smaller than his) It was delicate, almost like a brush or the faintest of caress, barely mattering or noticeable if it wasn’t for her tingling skin. And they stayed there, uncomfortable position, tired arms, and hands touching. The feeling of his warm skin who hadn’t felt the cold of the air in so long came heating her hands, warmth starting from the end of her limbs and spreading everywhere in her body, leaving her with red cheeks and this gooey feeling inside. She smiled at him. 

“You know what’s a good way to warm your hands?” Ricky whispered mischievously, smirking. Her heart beat faster as she thought about what his answer might be. “Hot chocolates.” 

It felt like something had dropped inside of her, her heart pinching, but she simply grinned wider. “Great idea.”

Ricky and Nina came to the conclusion that one mitten each was the fairest division ( _This is the premise of The Parent Trap_ , Ricky had affirmed), but it didn’t really matter as they had to take off anyway to get rid of their skates and slip back their freezing feet in their boots. 

Standing up, sliding the skates over her shoulder, Nina affirmed, “I’ll buy. Least I can do for almost causing your death.”

“Are you saying my life is the exact same worth as a hot chocolate?”

“Yes.”

Ricky stood up himself, “That’s fair.” Their first stop was the Renting Shack, where Ricky had found his skates and now had to bring them back to. “It feels so weird to walk. Like my feet want to glide.”

She nudged his shoulder, saying playfully, “And you started all this categorically refusing The Glide. That’s character development, buddy.”

They barely had to wait in line to give back the skates, few people crowding around it, much less than when they had first arrived. Maybe too much time had passed and the ice skating rush was officially over. Once Ricky was free of any tangible memory he had ever been on the ice (other than his many bruises, of course), they turned around and headed for the Snack Shack. An old lady was mending it, greeting them joyfully and asking them their orders.

“I’ll take a brownie hot chocolate extra chocolatey with whipped cream, chocolate coulis and sprinkles, please.” She gave her a wide grin that she knew (with the order she had just placed) made her look childlike. 

Ricky looked at her, mouth agape, seeming distraught by the words that had just come out of her mouth. “That can’t be good,” he was stunned.

“It is.” Nina gave him a taunting smile.

“But… How?”

“I’m a sugar person.”

“No, _I'm_ a sugar person. You’re a sugar… demon.”

She shrugged. “Good thing I’m the one drinking it then.”

Ricky looked at her, eyes slightly narrowed, lips pursed, seemingly deep in thoughts, like he was trying to figure something out. Finally, he turned to the old lady with a gleeful smile and said, “Make that two!” Nina snorted at his answer.

“You’re not allowed to complain if you don’t like it,” she teased, stepping aside to let other clients order. Ricky followed her.

“I won’t, I swear.”

The two practically ran for the hot beverages when they were finally ready, holding onto them with their unclothed hand, a slight happy sigh leaving their lips. They both took a sip. Nina looked at him from her cup, a playful smile on her lips as she watched his reaction. He stayed completely neutral, staring at something else in the distance, his lips twitching slightly.

A bit too late and too forced, Ricky exclaimed, “I like it.”

She burst down laughing, “No you don’t.”

“I don’t, I really don’t.” 

Nina took another sip of her beverage, something victorious around her. “Told you.”

Nonetheless, they walked around the park, staying on the already tapped trail and then the sidewalks of the city to avoid freezing the bottom half of their legs with snow, one hand holding a hot chocolate and one hand covered in a single pink mitten, smiling and laughing. 

__________

It was at the end of January that the day so long dreaded had come around. 

Dead Girl Walking had to be fully staged. _Fully_.

The show really needed to be run in its entirety soon and it had become impossible to push it back any further. 

Miss Jenn had singled them out after practice last week, looking apologetic, and had scheduled a meeting just for the two of them. Although it was somewhat reassuring to know there wouldn’t be a room full of curious and noisy teenagers present (a lot of them close friends that would have a field’s day mocking them for it afterwards) when it happened, the very idea that it was happening managed to stress Nina out for the entire week. She had unsubtly avoided Ricky as much as she could, finding herself blushing and fumbling every time she laid her eyes on him. 

Nina had tried all she could to reassure herself. It was a school production and the song would definitely be less raunchy, Miss Jenn already cutting out the last part (not having sex on stage! a win!). Really, it was basically nothing. Simply a little flirting, a little implying, a little _making-out_ (yeah, _definitely_ nothing).

She arrived at practice fifteen minutes early, but didn’t want to linger around and possibly have to talk to Ricky, so she went and hid in the girl’s bathroom, staring at the closed cabin’s door until she was on the verge of being late. She entered the auditorium, running, and found her two teachers and a certain boy already there, small talking. 

“Hi.”

Miss Jenn grinned at her, something warm and tender about it, as if she was trying to calm her nerves with only her smile. “Hi, honey. Come here.” 

Nina tentatively made her way towards the small group, taking special care to leave an arm’s distance between her and the curly boy and to completely ignore any eye contact. She offered her teachers the brightest fake smile she could muster, like she was completely ready to work. 

Zach opened his script, flipping through the pages as he rapidly summarized their vision, reminding them of the few alterations they had made to the song. As she listened intently, her best concentrated expression on, she could feel the gaze of Ricky flickering to her and his slight, almost undetectable (if it wasn’t for the way she was completely attuned to him) movements to get closer to her. In the end, it was barely a few inches crossed, but it felt like miles to her. 

“Ready?”

“Of course!” Nina exclaimed, too loud and enthusiastic to sound natural and everyone eyed her, something concerned and suspicious to it. She grinned, trying to shove down her blush, quickly turning around to find her spot on the stage. 

The music started playing, the first few keys coming out from the speakers and Nina tried as best as she could to bury her stress and sing, trying to focus on Veronica’s fears of being socially shunned and plans of running away instead of where the scene would inevitably lead to. 

“Veronica? What are you doing in my room?” Ricky asked after Nina had figuratively broke down his window lock, an exaggerated mime of the movement. He had taken off his hoodie and he looked confused, his eyebrows furrowed, but still somewhat happy. She stood there, mouth open, unable to get the words out of her mouth. 

“Nina?” Miss Jenn asked from her table down with the seats. The music stopped.

The brunette cringed, tilting to face her teachers, “Sorry.” Her face scrunched. “I just forgot my line.”

They started all over again, from Nina’s original spot, and she went on about motorcycles and social pariahs, walking over to the bright red duct tape on the floor that delimited the end of JD’s room. She tried to exhume confidence and determination, tried to seem angry and hot and sexy, but there was no fire inside of her and she probably looked as awkward as she felt. 

“ _Got no time to knock, I’m a dead girl walking_.”

Ricky stood up, harboring the same expression, asking in his lost voice, “Veronica? What are you doing in my room?”

“Shh…” She let her finger waddle in his direction. It was supposed to be comical, supposed to be exaggerated and funny, but it mostly sounded like she really meant it, like she wanted him to shut up and stop this. “ _Sorry, but I really had to wake you_.” She started feeling the words catch in her throat, feel their palms stick to the back of her mouth and making their bed, not wanting to get out. The idea of starting again, of disappointing her teachers, of extending practice caused panic to rush in her body and she quickly finished, not thinking just to get the words out, “ _See I decided I must ride you till I break you_.” She still couldn’t help her cheeks from becoming red and she pointedly fixed her gaze away from Ricky, in the faint distance beside his ear. 

The music stopped again. Zach said, “We’ve changed the lyrics to _have you_ , remember?”

Nina could feel the blood rush to her face and she looked down at her feet shamefully. She couldn’t believe she had said that. She hadn’t even thought about the alterations. “I forgot, sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Zach waved her off, quickly repeating the other changes nonetheless. “Anyway, now’s as good as a time to ask you to be more confident. Not to be too explicit, but you’re about to have sex with this man. And you really _want_ to. We want you to show us that. We want to feel it.”

She swiftly nodded, face white. They started again but their teachers still weren’t pleased (unshockingly), although very understanding, and they proposed to do some relaxing exercises to let go of some of their tension. Ricky and Nina jumped and shaked and screamed to get out all the nerves and bad feelings, Miss Jenn reminding them that this was acting and their characters and in no way reflected how any of them felt, even if it was awkward. Nina nodded ( _Right! Exactly! This means nothing!_ ), feeling some stress release from her body. She turned her head towards Ricky, met his eyes for the first time and smiled. He looked taken aback, taking a second to register it before grinning widely at her. It was fine.

They ran through the song again and Nina was finally capable to channel the emotions of Veronica Sawyer, looking more more bold and assured than she had been, not hesitating to let out the words, although not completely there yet. She blamed it on not running the song enough and told herself that she would master it with time. 

Although her acting was mostly fixed, Ricky and her were still hesitant and uncomfortable any time they had to touch each other, an unspoken distance between them. 

“ _Let’s make this beautiful_ ,” Nina sang, her voice flailing as she knew it was her last line before the moment, knew there was no more pushing it away, knew it would be a few seconds before her and Ricky kissed.

“That works for me.” Nothing. Both of them stood there, looking at each other, not daring to make the first move. They were supposed to jump on each other, supposed to be quick and hasty, like they couldn’t wait anymore, couldn’t handle being so far away from each other. There was none of that, wasn’t even the faintest of peck, the littlest of leaning in. 

After a few moments, where it was clear nothing would happen, Ricky took a step back and winced at their drama teachers. “Sorry, guys.”

“No, it’s totally fine,” Miss Jenn reassured, “We get it. It’s a hard scene. Let’s do it again.”

So they did it. Again, and again, and again, never capable of moving past the first part, past Ricky’s line, past the kiss. Ricky and Nina always stared at each other, like waiting for the other one to make the first move, blushing and shy, an almost scared expression on their faces. Even if Miss Jenn and Zach were as supportive and understanding as they could, it was clear they were getting kind of impatient. 

“Okay,” the female teacher declared after another failed attempt. “Maybe we should take a quick break and come back ready.” They nodded, biting their lips, fleeing the auditorium as the directors sorted through their papers. 

Nina made a sharp turn as soon as she was out, leaving behind Ricky and whatever conversation could fester between them, finding herself a quick snack in one of the vending machines. After slowly making her way back, dragging her feet, she found the boy typing on his phone by the lockers, a worried expression on his face. She thought about who and what he must be texting, about how he was probably freaking out right now, ranting to Big Red or Gina everything that was occurring inside the auditorium, and realized Ricky was going through the same thing as her. For a second, she felt less a alone. 

“Hi,” Nina said, popping up next to him. He jumped, turning his head with a shocked expression, like he was sure she would have never talked to him again.

“Hi.”

Nina sighed dramatically, turning her body to lay back on the lockers, saying sarcastically, “Well I’m _sure_ glad we made that deal to make things less awkward, huh?”

Ricky smirked, “Oh, we’re acknowledging it now?”

“Acknowledging what?” She gave him the most innocent expression, like she was totally lost. 

“I have no idea,” he said playfully

Nina grinned at him, before shrugging, “Well, anyway, I think we should stop being pussies and go for it or we’ll be stuck at North High forever.” She gave him a teasing expression, “Sorry for the use of the word pussy, I know about your activism for the female genitalia.”

He groaned, “Please, shut up.”

“Anyway, I’m not gonna say ‘deal?’ because we know how that went last time, but, vibes?” Ricky let out a throaty laugh, shaking his head slightly. 

“Yeah. Vibes.”

They came back in the room with something more aloof and comfortable to them, grinning at each other, and it seemed like their teachers could immediately pick it up, excitedly asking to start the scene. 

Nina stood on her spot, like she had been so many times today. Her shoulders were squared and her chin slightly upped, looking at the public (of two) with defiance. “ _The demon queen of high school has decreed it: she says Monday, eight am, I will be deleted_.” 

They ran the scene as they had done before, Nina unafraid to belt the words, having fun with it, walking purposefully to JD’s made-up window, snapping off the imaginary lock. 

“Veronica? What are you doing in my room?”

“Shhh….” She continued singing, something flirty and scandalous to it. Ricky slowly walked over to her. “ _Come on_!” She yelled, and Ricky grabbed her sides, rougly tugging her to him, their chests stuck against each other. “ _Tonight I’m yours, I’m your dead girl walking_.” She could feel the movement of his chest, feel him breathing against her, his eyes looking in hers with playfulness and fun, the palm of his hands caressing her and warming her skin. Nina could have almost stayed there forever, with him, but as the lyrics suggested and their teachers choreographed, she grabbed his shoulders and ducked him to his knees. “ _Get on all fours, kiss this dead girl walking_.”

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Nina continued singing, hot and furious, until she dropped to her knees and cradled his face between her hands. She sang to him softly, about how he was beautiful and more than he thought he was. Ricky looked at her with a smile, tenderness in his eyes. 

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“ _Let’s make this beautiful!_ ”

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Ricky shrugged cheekily, “That works for me-” 

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For a second, they looked at each other, wondering if they were actually gonna do it. Nina thought about how easy it would be to stay here, unmoving, thought about freezing in this position, thought about how much more pleasant it would be to ruin another run, and then Nina thought ‘ _fuck it_ ’.

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She surged forward and crashed her lips against Ricky’s, opening her mouth as soon as they made contact. It was angry and rapid, hot and rushed, intense and passionate. It kind of felt like running home, like coming back to somewhere cherished after being gone for so long, the unforgettable memories rushing back to your head as you rediscovered the known walls. Nina had not realized how much she had missed kissing Ricky Bowen until she was kissing Ricky Bowen.

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And, boy, was he kissing her back, his tongue discovering the inside of her mouth, his hands pressing against her back, bringing her closer to him, running his thumb on the small part of her uncovered midriff until shivers ran down her body. Her hands were buried deep inside his curls, tugging on them harshly, as if to ground herself to something, to reattach her body to Earth, to stop herself from flying off in the billions of stars and universes he was making her see. 

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Nina felt electrified and melted down at the same time, felt like a puddle in his hands, felt like a gone-wrong experiment against his lips. She wanted to scream his name until the entire world remembered it, until she forgot what those letters even meant. Every inch of her skin meeting his was burning, hot and scorching, and she desperately needed for her entire body to boil at his touch. 

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Nina could have kissed Ricky Bowen forever (hell, wanted to!), but the guitar lead only lasted so long and the music abruptly stopped, breaking them of their transe, snapping them back to a world where not only the two of them existed, reminded them of where they were and what they were doing. 

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“That was great guys!” Miss Jenn’s shrill voice resonated around the room, louder than it was, piercing their tympans. Nina winced, standing back up. 

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She did not understand what had happened between them, did not comprehend the rush of electricity and fire (and something more, something scary) that invaded her body, did not remember a time she had not wanted to do Dead Girl Walking. 

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They started the whole scene again, their teachers giving them some of their notes and pointers, and as Nina kissed and kissed Ricky again, she kind of had to admit to herself that she might maybe probably (for sure) be attracted to Ricky Bowen.

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	13. chapter thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warning: they smoke weed in this chapter

Nina stood in the middle of the sidewalk, her winter coat and boots on, although there was no more snow and the weather had somewhat warmed up, a confused frown on her face.

That was objectively the worst date in the history of mankind. But then, at the same time, it really had been fine. 

Howie was a nice guy (not in the creepy, you-owe-me-sex, not at all nice way. Genuinely nice). He made her laugh often enough when they crossed each other in the hallways, taking special time to ask about her day. He remembered the character she played and the songs she sang even if he had no interest in musicals. He was charming and charismatic, in that way that made her blush every time he dedicated his attention to her. 

And yet, Nina never really talked about him to her friends. They had even given her a questioning look on when she had dropped beside them in the cafeteria and announced to the table, “Howie asked me out for Valentine’s day.”

“Who’s that?” Kourtney had asked and Nina had been forced to replay their entire encounter at the bury the hatchet party, describing his physique and personality in length. In the end, they had vaguely remembered who he was, and then had immediately wondered if she was gonna go.

It had been clear they were against. Not that they were all that wrong. She barely knew him, and although she blushed every time they talked, she never tingled with happiness, never felt a pressing need to gush to her friends about him, never wanted to see him more. Nina did not have a crush on Howie Ashman. 

But Nina really did not want to have a crush on Ricky Bowen, and so she had nonchalantly answered, “Sure. Why not.”

Things with Ricky were complicated in a way that was entirely in her head. He talked to her like they always did, teasing her in a friendly way, he pulled the strings of her hoodie, he shared half of his snacks if she asked and he acted as if absolutely nothing had changed. He was like he had always been, light and breezy and unbothered. It was obvious he had not been phased at all by the blocking of Dead Girl Walking. 

Nina, however, had very much been phased. She still remembered the feel of his lips on hers, a memory she had previously buried deep within her to force herself to forget that was now coming back to her in full force, impossible to brush away. She still remembered the deep want and need she had felt when they kissed. She had wanted them to stay like this forever. She had needed them to never stop. She had enjoyed it more than she would ever like to admit. 

She wasn’t supposed to enjoy it. 

When she had come back from rehearsal, sitting on the passenger’s seat of her mom’s car, awfully quiet, her thoughts whirling around in an incomprehensible modpodge of feelings, Nina had had one striking thought that she had not been able to fully push away since. ‘ _What if I have a crush on Ricky Bowen?_ ’ White hot fear had overtook her limbs like a wave as soon as the idea nudged itself in her mind and she had not been able to relax since it had taken root in her brain.

Sometimes, it felt like the most incongruous, ridiculous idea. Sometimes, it was barely surprising at all. 

When Nina had said yes to Howie, she had hoped the date would have gone magically well, filling her spirit with his name, leaving out of it with hearts over her head. 

He had picked her up at her house, had said a very polite hello to her moms and had let her choose the music in the car. Nina had smirked mischievously and blasted some embarrassing 2000s pop songs and he had laughed, shaking his head slightly, singing off key a few words. 

They had stopped at the restaurant, something fancy from the North side of town, with a very French name she was afraid of pronouncing. She had made a comment about it and they had spent the next five minutes trying to find weird ways to butcher the word. They had laughed. 

They had quickly ordered and waited for their food in comfortable chatter, asking more about each other. It had been obvious they had very little in common, only bonding on their lack of siblings and their love of Mugz, a cafe downtown, but they had still been appropriately interested in what the other was saying. The food had been good and they spent a few minutes talking about that. 

They had spoken without issues, never a blank moment, never an awkward giggle as they racked their brains for a next subject. Nonetheless, Nina could not help but being so bored. They had no chemistry, no sparks, barely any fun. It was like talking to a distant relative and she was kind of counting the minutes until it was over. Which wasn’t fair, because Howie was nice and charming and she wanted to like him so bad. There was nothing wrong, nothing bad, and yet nothing felt right either.

Howie had asked if she wanted dessert and Nina had gone against all of her beliefs and said no. They had paid separately, she had insisted, and when he had walked over to his car, she had completely froze. The sheer idea of getting in his car, of driving back to her house, of him walking her to her front door and lean in, so slowly, had created a ball of cement in her belly and Nina had almost thought she would rather die. She shook her head, a crisp smile on her lips, affirming he was already close to his house and it made no sense for him to make such a detour. He had pressed, obviously not wanting a teenage girl all alone at night, but she had pressed right back, promising to get in a cab. 

In the end, Howie had relented and had smiled, shaking his head in almost disbelief, before letting out a “Bye, Nina,” entering his car and driving off. 

Nina now stood there, in the middle of the sidewalk, her winter coat and boots on, although there was no more snow and the weather had somewhat warmed up, a confused frown on her face.

She knew she promised to call a cab, but she simply stayed in front of the restaurant, unmoving, trying to untangle the mess in her brain. She didn’t think Alastair had felt any kind of chemistry either, their goodbyes quite friendly, no visible disappointment or shock that she had refused a lyft back home. Didn’t that mean that it wasn’t just her fault? That it wasn’t in her head? That they simply didn’t work? It happened often. People sometimes didn’t click. There was no ulterior explanations. It didn’t mean Nina had any type of feelings for anybody else. 

She tried to rationalize it. Clearly, she had to admit to that one, her and Ricky had chemistry. It was undeniable, especially after all of their friends and teachers and kissing scenes repeated it to them again and again. Chemistry didn’t necessarily mean feelings. Sometimes, all people wanted to do was kiss. 

As Nina was about to truly investigate her feelings, teetering in ‘ _But what if I do?_ ’ territories, someone jumped to her side and exclaimed, “Are you stalking me now?” She wasn’t shocked to find Ricky Bowen when she turned her head towards the voice. 

Nina gave him a sarcastic smile, one that came so easily to her in his presence, and bit back, “Of course. It’s been months. You only realized now?”

“Nah,” Ricky shook his head teasingly, “I’ve been keeping my curtains open just for you.”

“I appreciate it. I wouldn’t have had a direct view of your One Direction shrine in your closet without your help.”

“I had to deface Liam’s poster for biphobia.” Ricky said solemnly. 

“As you should.”

Ricky let out a little laugh, mostly sounding like a humorous huff of air. He then turned to her, stared at her for a moment, before asking curiously, “So. What are you doing around these parts of town?”

“I was on a date.” Nina said as if she was talking about the weather. It sounded more like a unimportant and boring statement than anything. Ricky’s eyes still grew wide in shock, fumbling slightly. 

“Oh. Cool.” He seemed to search for his words. “How was it?” 

Nina almost considered lying, but she had no good reason to do so, so she simply answered, “Boring. The date was fine, but I didn’t feel anything.” 

“That’s too bad.”

She nodded, not knowing how to answer. Finally she opted for, “Did you celebrate Valentine’s Day?” 

“No. It’s all just commercial anyway.”

“That’s what people who didn’t have a valentine say,” Nina teased, a slight mocking grin on her lips. Ricky narrowed his eyes, glaring at her through his long eyelashes. 

“Do you want a ride? I mean it’s getting late and you’re far from your house.”

Nina barely had to think about it. “Sure.” 

She was half expecting him to walk to the direction of his car, trying to spot it in the street herself, her eyes sweeping the perimeter. Instead, Ricky turned to his left, walking away without looking back. She had to speed walk to catch up to his long legs. She was pretty sure they were going in the direction of his house. 

“Why are you out and about if it’s not for a hot date, then?” Nina asked, nudging his shoulder when she finally reached his tall frame. 

Ricky reached in his pocket, inconspicuously showing her a tiny bag of green herbs, before shoving it back down in the safety of his pants, far away from prying eyes. He did not say more. Although Nina had never seen him smoke, not at parties or when his skater friends passed a joint his way at the park, she wasn’t exactly surprised he partakened in such activities.

“Is this a cry for help?” Nina playfully said, fake worry lacing her tongue. “All alone on Valentine’s Day, doing drugs to numb the pain.” She sighed dramatically, looking in the distance like an actress in old Hollywood with a transatlantic accent would. 

“You’re making me sound pathetic.”

“I’m not. You’re pathetic all on your own.”

“Hey!” Ricky cried offendedly, whipping his head to glare at her, eyebrows furrowed, mouth wide. Nina gave him an innocent smile. “I’m merely taking advantage of the circumstances. My dad is the one on a hot date, you see. Said he was gonna be gone all day. It’s rare such an opportunity presents itself.”

“Your dad has more game than you.”

“I think it’s the sad divorcee look. Makes the women go crazy.”

They reached his house, the familiar garden, balcony and black car staring back at them. They stayed there for a moment, silent, before Ricky turned towards her.

“Wanna come in? I have frozen pizza.”

“Well if you have frozen pizza....” 

They walked in as Nina sent her moms a quick text warning them she would come home later than planned. They answered with something teasing, around the lines of ‘the date must have gone well winky face’, and Nina grew ashamed, feeling terrible for Alastair who she had categorically refused a drive back home. And yet here she was, at Ricky Bowen’s house, like it was no big deal, and she hated the thoughts that were creeping back in her head. She texted her moms back with a ‘actually, I’m at a friend’s house’. They asked if it was Kourtney's and although Nina did not like to lie, the out was right there and she simply said yes. 

“Did you ever smoke before?” Ricky asked when she closed her phone and tucked it back in her pocket. He was standing in front of his staircase, facing her with a curious look. She bypassed him and started walking up. 

“Once, at a party freshman year.” She reached the top of the stairs and turned to look at him. From her perch, she was taller than him by a few inches and she basked in the glory of looking down on someone for a second, before he walked the last step before the second floor and now looked at her eye-to-eye, bodies undeniably close. “Peer pressure. I was very influenceable back then. A little ‘come on’ and I was convinced.”

“That really sucks. I’m sorry.” He sounded genuinely apologetic. “I’m not gonna-” His voice trailed. “I won’t smoke right now, don’t worry.”

“I don’t mind,” she quickly interjected, “This event was not as traumatic as you’re making it out to be. Really, it’s no big deal.”

“ _You_ don’t worry. It would be weird to be the only one high.”

For a second, Nina thought about smoking too. She had done it once in her life after much cooler kids than her had waved the joint under her nose, the circle insisting it was fun and she just _had_ to try it. She took a few puffs, coughed a lot, and spent the rest of the night crying in Kourtney’s arms, affirming through tears that this was the worst feeling ever and she would never smoke again. Obviously, she had learned later on that your first time smoking did not actually get you high, especially considering she definitely hadn’t inhaled properly, and the entire thing had affected her so much because she had been afraid, not because of the actual weed. She had still never smoked again, her resolve nonetheless chipping away as the years went by, finding it much less scary as she grew. She had kind of always wanted to try again but had no interest in doing it surrounded by loud music and strangers. 

“You don’t have to be the only one high.” Nina turned away as she said the words, cowering from his reaction by making her way to his room, whatever facial expression he was making far away behind her.

“Are you sure? I don’t want you to do it because you feel forced or because I was gonna do it or-”

“I’m sure,” Nina threw his way a confident look, opening the door to his room and stepping inside. 

Ricky made no comment on how she knew where his room was and she was relieved, not in the mood to explain the full events of his birthday party or to find a fitting lie. His room was messier than the last time, clear he had not been expecting company today. He halfheartedly pushed away the clothes and trash with his foot and jumped on his bed. 

Ricky reached for a box beneath his bed, half of his body hanging limply, as his fingers roamed for his treasure. When he came back up, he opened it to reveal rolling papers, crutches and two lighters, one bright pink and one adorned with flames. 

He looked up at her, still standing by the frame and staring at him in curiosity, beckoning her with, “You coming?” Nina made her way in his room and sat on his bed, crossing her legs as she peered at his trained hands. 

Ricky meticulously rolled the joint, asking her for a discarded pen to push the weed tight and sealing it shut with a lick. In the end, he looked up at her with a proud grin, showing off his work like a child with his fridge worthy art. The irony made Nina let out a chuckle. 

“Do you know how to smoke?” He asked as he put the joint between his lips, picking up the pink lighter. Nina let her eyes trail on his lips, his lower one pouting sightly from the weight, and there was almost a want deep inside of her to bite it. She shook her head, physically chasing the thoughts away, ripping her eyes from his lips. 

“No.” Nina said, before formally stating with a up of her nose, “I’ve been leading a straight life.”

“Except for the gay part.” Ricky lighted the joint, releasing after a few seconds a cloud of smoke. The smell invaded her nostril and she scrunched her nose as a reflex. “Are you sure about this? We can stop.” 

Nina appreciated his worry, but she was definitely sure, so she grabbed the weed from his mouth and let it hang from her own lips. She gave Ricky an assured look and he grinned. Of course, she could have taken the flame lighter, still laying on the bottom of the small box between them, unused, but she instead reached for the one in his hand. His skin was warm and she let her fingers linger over it a little longer than she should have. 

He taught her how to inhale properly, acting it out with air and comparing it to sipping on a straw. In the end, Nina mostly had it, and she could feel her body relax and her eyes droop. Ricky looked similar to her, some red in the corner of his pupils and a dumb smile on his lips. They laid on their backs in his bed, heads right beside each other but bodies opposed, Nina’s feet climbing the wall as Ricky’s hung from the end of his bed. They had been laying there in comfortable silence for a few minutes, staring at the ceiling as if the white paint was interesting. 

“How come you don’t smoke at parties?” Nina asked uncharacteristically slow.

“I don’t like the noise and all the people. It freaks me out when I’m high.”

“What else don’t you like?” This was a sudden conversation switch, but Ricky did not seem to realize, continuing as if it was a very normal thing to ask. 

“Fruits.” The hatred that came out of his voice as he spit the words out made Nina giggle. “God, I hate them. They’re disgusting.”

“Fruits rock.” She didn’t say it as a counter argument, more like a statement. “That could be the name of a band.”

“I would hate that band. I hate fruits. They’re so sticky and they drip everywhere and they all turn bad.”

“What’s your least favorite fruit?”

“I hate apples because I can only imagine them as brown and it disgusts me. I hate blueberries because juice bursts in your mouth when you bite it. I hate bananas because they’re stringy and soft and you need to peel them. I hate kiwis because they're-”

Nina cut off his rant, ignoring anything he had just said to ask curiously, “What’s your favorite fruit, then?”

“Raspberries are fine but I still can’t eat them from years of mental blockage. Watermelons taste good because it’s literally just water but it’s also one of the most wet and sticky fruit in this world so it maintains the fruit hate equilibrium.”

“I love mangoes and strawberries.”

“Gross.”

“I love spring. Spring is great.” 

“Spring rhymes with bling.”

“And amazing. Clearly there’s a correlation there.”

“Fling.”

“Charming. Spring is charming.”

“Swing.” Ricky titled his head to the side, looking at her and she copied him, faces upside down, an inch away from each other. Nina realized how close they were, how easy it would be to sneak her hand up and bury it in his hair. She felt her hand itch with envy and as she was about to raise it up, he said excitedly, “Wait till you try chocolate milk high.”

Nina sat on his kitchen counter, dangling her feet off the edge, holding between her two hands a small cup of chocolate milk. It tasted like heaven, the richest and most savory flavors invading her mouth every time she took a sip. She was aware of the milk mustache on her upper lip, but could not be bothered to care, so she let it stay there in whatever shape it formed. Ricky and her were patiently waiting for the frozen pizza to cook. He was currently munching on a peanut butter toast, sprinkling on top chocolate and marshmallows, enough to wiggle out a proud look on Nina’s face as she watched him prepare his snack. 

“We were called snack before,” Nina announced as soon as the word snack came in her mind. She took a sip of her milk.

Ricky stopped mid bite, his arm still hanging in the air as he threw her a look. “'We'. You and the voices?”

“Me and my friends.”

“So…” His voice trailed playfully, “You and the voices?”

“It’s an acronym. S for Seb. N for Nini. A for Ashlyn. C for Carlos. K for Kourtney. See, it works perfectly.” She dramatically pouted, her shoulders slouching as she added, “Sadly, they hate it. I tried making snacknation a thing and they _quickly_ shut me down.”

“Nini,” Ricky interjected, and she turned her head to him as he called her, mouth wide and a dumb look on her face.

“What?”

“You said Nini.”

“Oh.” Nina said it as if it was a whole sentence with a definite ending. It sounded like a period. She added with hesitancy, “Sorry?”

“No, no,” Ricky shook his head with a smile, taking a bite of his toast. “I think it’s cute.”

“Oh.” That one was definitely not a word, barely even a sound, more like a faint mutter. She brushed away her milk mustache with the back of her hand, dropping from the counter and walking to him. When Nina stopped in front of him, she had no idea what she was gonna say, but as she opened her mouth, she found the words most natural, “Dance with me.”

“We don’t have music.”

“Then put some on.” She said with a duh voice, shaking her head as if it was the most obvious thing. 

Ricky took out his phone and put on some trashy 2000s music playlist, the speaker too far and too smart to be used. The audio quality was bad and low, but Nina still took his hand as he discarded his phone on the island and twisted their bodies. They jumped and turned, none of it looking like dancing, but entertaining enough to make them laugh the entire time (considering the lack of sobriety, the bar for entertaining was on the floor). Ricky made the robot and she made a movement resembling mixing a soup and they entered a tense chicken dance contest and they sang at the top of their lungs and they burned the pizza. 

Burned pizza still tasted like a five stars meal when high and they devoured the entire thing while standing up, their bodies bent slightly over the island to let the cheese and sauce droop down on a surface. 

They put on Sky High, trying to match their friends to the characters, a difficult task considering none of them were really alike. They both agreed she would be Layla, her gentle nature and love of plants a clear parallel between them. Ricky tried to say he was Will Armstrong, but Nina hit him with a, “It would definitely be EJ and you’re lying to yourself if you don’t think that.”

“You’re right,” Ricky sighed dramatically, “This is EJ’s world and we’re just living in it.” 

“You’re light-up-dude.”

“We already said Big Red was Zach,” he categorically refused, sounding almost offended.

Nina rolled her eyes, “Fine. You can be Warren Peace. He’s the only one left.”

“I love being getting things because they’re the only ones left. Makes me feel special.”

“When you think about it, it means you’re unique. You fit in with no characters. It's a compliment” Nina smiled, “Plus he has fire powers, so why are you complaining.” She looked back at the screen. “Warren Peace. War and Peace.” 

“Wow.” Ricky widened his eyes as if he had just seen thousands of lights and universes pass by. “That’s genius.”

“God, that movie is so good.” Ricky nodded vigorously.

They did not finish the movie. They mostly forgot they were watching it halfway through, making their way back to his room as it still played on the TV far away from them. Nina fell on his bed first, curling on herself as Ricky sat down, leaning against the wall. 

“I’m tired,” Nina announced, her sleepy eyes looking at him. He chuckled as an answer. “Tell me a story.”

“Once upon a time, there was four girls. They were friends.” Ricky went on to retell a more or less (less) accurate version of the Bratz movie, forgetting crucial elements and adding in ridiculous things and messing up most of the plot points. 

Still, Nina watched him through her eyelashes from her side of the bed, staring at him and his moving lips and his slight frown when he messed up and his cute chuckle when he made himself laugh and his gesturing hands when he told a particularly dramatic moment of the story. Nina felt good with Ricky. She felt comfortable. 

Ricky was her friend. That was it, simple as that. She almost forgot why she had been so worried these past two weeks, stressing about feelings and dates. Nina liked Ricky because he was her friend. She was also attracted to him. These were two completely separate facts. They came together to confuse everything, to make her doubt the very foundation of their friendship, but she was not fooled anymore. Sure, she kind of wanted to kiss him (a lot), but it didn’t mean anything more than that. Nina only thought it did because Ricky was important to her, and he made her laugh, and he made her feel good and comfortable. The realization came as a relief, washing over her body like a tranquilizing wave (the fact that she could get more relaxed than she previously was thoroughly surprised her), calming her spirits and her mind. Ricky was her friend. That was it.

“And then, they won the competition. Happy ever after.”

“Wasn’t there a thing where they won the money and scholarship and the mean girl won the trophy? Because the mean girl’s dad was one of the judges and nepotism?”

“Unimportant,” Ricky dismissed her, waving her off with his hand. 

“Just say you forgot and go,” Nina teased, but he did no such thing. She changed subject anyway. “I’m gonna go pee.”

Standing up difficulty, she made her way to the bathroom, ignoring the memories of the last time she had been there, rubbing Ricky’s back as his head hung over the bathroom (hangover, ha), sitting beside him, knees brushing as he talked about his mom. He didn’t remember anyway, so why should she. After washing her hands and walking out the bathroom, instead of going back to his room where he was undoubtedly waiting for her, Nina walked to the window at the end of the hallway.

She stared out in wonder as she watched the sky darken. It looked angry and the image of the sky frowning and pouting as it threw a temper tantrum made her giggle. There was a storm coming and Nina stayed to watch it install itself until thunder resonated loudly and the first lightning pierced through the sky. She opened the window, listening to the rain tap against the ground outside, smelling the traditional odor of the rainy night, humming in satisfaction. She liked storms.

She did not know how long she stayed in front of the window, but when Nina finally made her way back to Ricky’s room, she found him in the corner of his bed with his knees to his chest, rocking gently as he looked straight ahead with wide worried eyes. Nina freezed in the middle of her step.

“Are you okay?” Her eyes were also wide, shocked to find him like this when he was so chilled when she had left. 

“I’m afraid of storms.” He said impressionably neutral, a slight shake in his voice betraying his fear. 

“There’s a storm outside.” She said almost in disbelief. 

“Yes.”

Nina took one step, but did not dare to climb the bed. “How bad is it?”

“It’s mostly fine when I’m sober.”

“You’re high!”

“Once again, yes.” His comeback was much less biting when a lightning striked the sky and made him flinch. As soon as she saw his reaction, Nina walked to the bed and kneeled beside him. 

“You can’t panic,” she said worriedly, starting to get stressed herself. “You’re high.”

“I know that!” Ricky snapped, but he looked like he was about to cry and Nina felt her heart pinch with empathy. 

She grabbed his face, making him look at her, “It’s fine. You’re fine. You’re okay.” She traced soothing circle on his cheeks with her thumbs, her voice calm and gentle. 

“I’m not,” Ricky said, worry lacing his tongue, but much less anger than he previously had. He just looked so stressed. Thunder groaned outside and she felt his entire body tense. “I hate this,” he said with tightly shut eyes, “I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.”

“Shhh… You’re okay. Nothing will happen to you.” 

Nina slowly tugged him down on the bed, whispering reassuring words as she caressed his cheeks and shoulders and back recomfortlingy, until he was laying on his side. His body immediately curled on itself, forming a fetal position as she grazed his skin. She brushed her hand through his hair, massaging his scalp and playing with the curls. He hummed slightly, barely audible, so little that she was sure he wasn’t even aware he made a sound, but his body was still shaking. Nina laid down behind him, one of her hand still in his soft hair as the other snaked its way to his abdomen, drawing him to her. He nestled his body against her until every pore of their bodies was touching each other. Her head was in his neck and she breathed his scent, something clean, as she continued to absentmindedly rack her fingers through his curls. Ricky made a satisfied sound and she smiled, closing her eyes.

They stayed there until Ricky stopped shaking and the storm was barely audible, and then they fell asleep.


	14. chapter fourteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the late update, i had lost my inspiration. also, i went kind of crazy with this chapter, so beware it’s pretty long.

It was February 27th and Nina was officially eighteen years old and it was kind of the worst. 

She had never been a big fan of birthdays, if she was completely honest. There was something kind of offputting about the relentless attention, the expecting grins everyone gave her, as if they were waiting for her to cry or dance or entertain them. She hated the feeling crawling in her skin that everyone was looking at her and was thoroughly disappointed. No matter what she was doing, Nina always felt like she was disappointing them. 

Unfortunately for her, her friends were big gesture fans and the sheer idea of not celebrating her birthday would send them to an early grave. She hadn’t really told them about her birthday hatred anyway, keeping inside the icky feelings that overtook her body like a shameful secret. 

She always somewhat managed to halt their grandiose plans anyway, convincing them after much effort that a pizza at her place was much more appreciated than whatever cupcake decorating open house party they were currently discussing. They always argued, but nonetheless gave up, broadcasting their love for her in their gifts, every single one as touching, loving and thoughtful as the next. 

This year, however, it had been much harder to change their minds. No matter how many times Nina repeated that she had no interest in a eighteen themed party (a party where everything came in packs of eighteen and a tiny voting booth for queen of the party with only Nina’s name on the ballot was installed in a corner if she followed their explanations correctly), it all fell on deaf ears and they continued noting down in Ashlyn’s pink fluffy notebook all their ideas. Maybe it was because they were many more now, making it much more difficult for her shy muttering voice to be heard in all the chatters, that they would not hear her. In the end, Nina had to both tell them her moms wanted a family-only dinner the day of her birthday, canceling any more casual affair they could have had the nine of them, and that she was very sick a whole week prior her birthday. 

They had been disappointed and their down looks made Nina want to peel off her skin and set herself on fire but she had to just stand there, a fake bummed expression and a real apologetic one (just as real as her discomfort) on her face. They had promised they would celebrate at a later date, swearing they would not let her eighteen birthday unnoticed, and Nina just really wished they would.

Her moms had been surprised when she had told them she was staying inside for her birthday, asking if anything was wrong between her and her friends, but after Nina had insisted she just wanted to spend time with family, they had excitedly affirmed they would prepare her favorite meal, adobo. 

When February 27th had come around, her friends had all texted her long winded happy birthday messages (who did not make her cry at all. Of course not. That did not happen) and dedicated their instagram stories to embarrassing pictures of her. It made her heart warm and her guilt grow.

Nina had left back in her room her phone and all envy to dig herself into the ground and had come downstairs to the delicious smell of Dana’s cooking. Her lola had been invited to the dinner party (emphasis on the dinner) and they had all sat together, eating the savoury pork and chicken meal, exchanging eighteen of their favorite memories of Nina with laughters until she blushed so furiously they had playfully teased her about it. 

The cake had obviously been chocolate and she wished for world peace as she blew the candles (she had been wishing for it since she was 5. It had yet to be realized). Her skin reddened when they gave her their gifts, mostly clothes and vinyls, but she thanked all of them profusely, hugging them in her arms tightly. 

They had all continued to chat until Nina faked a headache, claiming a need for cold fresh air, and excused herself. The air was definitely cold, but she had been so warm all day, so uncomfortable and afraid, that she welcomed the slight chill happily. She sighed, sitting down on the porch, her arms crossed in front of her chest as she let her thoughts run wild. 

She hated her birthday and she hated herself for hating her birthdays. Nina felt terrible for her reaction, for ruining everybody’s excitement and enthusiasm, for lying. She hated feeling overwhelmed, hated her prickling need to hide herself in her room the entire day and come out only when it was finally safe, 24 hours later. She hated not being able to truly laugh, smile and enjoy herself on what she had been told her entire life was Her Day. 

Nina felt the burning of tears in the corner of her eyes and she tried to hold them in, her lower lip trembling. She hated this, she hated this, she hated this, she- was disrupted by a car driving up her quiet residential street with obnoxious music blasting from the open windows. Quickly, Nina sobered up, knowing too well who decorated their car with pride and acab stickers, who adorned their bumper with glued on tight skater figurines, who would be stupid enough to drive with their windows open in late February. Ricky Bowen, of course. 

His very sight felt like a bucket of ice water thrown over her body and she sat up straighter, shaking off the tears from her eyes. Nina frowned, watching him park his car in front of her house and open the front door. 

“What are you doing here?” She asked, perplexed, before he could even put a foot outside. He looked up at her in surprise, as if he had not been expecting her here (bold of him to be shocked when she literally lived there).

“It’s your birthday,” Ricky screamed back, frozen in place. The sound resonating in the dead quiet of the street made her flinch.

“I know that.” Nina said with a up of her nose, something playful in the turn of her lips.

Ricky answered with a wide grin, something excited and happy in his eyes, and Nina bit her lip at the sight. Her archnemesis (and friend, technically) was happier than her about her own birthday and she had no idea how to process this. Here she was, sitting alone in the cold, thoughts and emotions fighting inside her, something mean and ugly and haunting, refusing to be ignored, and here Ricky was, smiling. Nina wished she was smiling. 

He exited his car, slamming the door loudly, and walked to her. He stood in front of her, his height towering over her, and she wondered if he was gonna sit down. “I brought you a birthday gift.” 

“Is this why you’re here?”

Ricky did not answer, finally crashing down beside her on the balcony, his tall legs stretched out. He buried his hand in his open coat, fishing out a tiny box. The packet was hazardly wrapped, paper taped together in a very artistic way, and Ricky showed it with a toothy smile, looking like a child brandishing his drawing.

“It’s for you,” he said and there was a music to his tone. He looked like he was about to burst from joy, a few seconds away from literally vibrating, and that was the only reason Nina grabbed the box instead of refusing categorically any gift and asking him to go home. 

“Is it a pony?” Her voice was bright with fake wonder.

“Open and you’ll find out.”

Nina rolled her eyes, ripping apart the paper, finding many more layers than she ever expected. When she finally got rid of the wrapping (and made a off comment about being eco friendly next time), she opened the small white box. A silver chain with a tiny music note looked back at her, the shine hitting her eyes. It was pretty and delicate and Nina wondered for a quick second how Ricky knew her style in jewelry. 

“Do you like it?” He asked, biting his lip eagerly, and she turned her head towards him, an earnest smile on her lips. 

“Of course I do.”

“It didn’t cost much,” Ricky immediately added before she could say anything else. “I know you don’t like people spending tons of money on you, so, don’t worry. I just…” His voice trailed. “I saw it in a store and it reminded me of you.”

“Is it the fact that I do musical theater that tipped you off?”

“Yes. And it was pretty. I don’t know, I thought you would like it.”

“I do,” Nina nodded reassuringly. She turned slightly around, handing him the box as she said, “Help me?”

As she heard Ricky struggle with freeing the necklace from its box, she moved her hair to one shoulder. She did not realize she had been cold all this time until she felt the warmth of his fingers brushing against her skin as he clasped the necklace in place. She shivered, brushing the little music note now resting in-between her collarbones. Ricky did not move, softly caressing the back of her neck, until she turned with a smile. 

“Thanks.”

He chuckled, scratching the back of his neck. “No problems.”

A silence settled itself between them and, at a loss for words, she repeated, “It’s really pretty.”

“Well, I have impeccable taste.” 

The words broke whatever moment they were having, bringing back their usual banter, and Nina sighed, stating, "I should go back inside.” It really meant you should leave now.

If Ricky caught on the translation, it did not show. “You don’t have to.”

“My moms-” 

“It’s early.” Ricky cut in. “And you’ve clearly finished dinner.” He gave her a once-over look, “And how bad is your cold if you’re outside right now without a coat.” She bit her lip, looking down at her outfit, a deep red dress over a white turtleneck, scrunching her face at being caught.

Nina looked up at him, racking her brain for an excuse. “My moms are still pissed that I didn’t warn them I was sleeping over at someone’s house.” Technically, it was true. They had given her a sermon when she came back home the day after the storm, many texts wondering where she was on her phone. Although the fact that they had thought she was at Kourtney’s had softened their anger and, in the end, they had made her promise to never do that again and had moved on.

“I’ll go see them right now, explain everything and apologize. I’m sure they’ll understand if-” Ricky stood up, ready to run in and defend her, and Nina quickly grabbed his hand, dragging him back down with a scared expression on her face (just the thought of Ricky seeing her moms and telling them she was at his house and not Kourtney’s terrified her and forced chills down her back). 

“There’s no need for that,” Nina pressed urgently, still holding his hand in fear he would rush in as soon as she released him. 

“Come with me. We can even pretend it’s not your birthday if you want to.” There was something so completely softening and heartwarming at him somehow knowing she would prefer to pretend it wasn’t even her birthday. Nina didn’t know if he even really knew or he was just desperately trying to convince her to leave with him, but she felt understood. She realized at this moment that Ricky had been there for ten minutes now and this was the first time she even thought of her birthday.

Impulsively, Nina said, “Okay.” 

“Okay?” He had a dumb joyful smile on, almost like he didn’t expect her to accept and was surprised but thoroughly pleased to hear the word.

“Okay.” 

“Maybe okay will be our always,” Ricky said dramatically and Nina gave him a deadpanned glare.

“I hate you,” she affirmed as if it was a mere fact, before quickly standing up, “Let me just warn my moms.”

“And grab a coat!” Ricky screamed as she crossed her doorway. She gave him a roll of her eyes over her shoulder, wondering in what world Ricky Bowen would be the one to tell _her_ to dress appropriately. 

Her moms were happy to see her go, joyful at the idea of their daughter going out with her friends for her birthday. They made her promise to text them if she planned on having any overnight stay, something both teasing and passive agressive in their tones, and Nina promised instead that there would be no overnight stay. She grabbed her coat as she left the house, putting it on when she was already on the porch. 

Ricky was still sitting on the steps, waiting politely for her, and he only spurred into action when she looked and at him and said, “We going?” He was up in an instant, making his way to his car. 

Nina was used by now to Ricky Bowen’s car. In the many forced hangouts Miss Jenn and Zach had installed upon them, she had sat right here in the passenger seat of his car, enough times she got used to the smell, a mix of old-ness and whatever carscent he put up this week, enough times she knew the scratches, bruises and burns inside the vehicle by heart and most of the stories behind them, enough times she learned all of the figurines’ names decorating his car, enough times she felt at peace. 

Nina entered the car, sitting down and buckling her seat before taking out her phone. She was about to put on some pop indie tunes she had been trying to get him to like, before he stopped her. 

“Um, actually,” he sounded awkward, “I made a playlist for your birthday.”

“You made me a playlist?” She asked in disbelief.

“Yeah,” Ricky chuckled, taking his phone out. 

Nina gave him a teasing look. “What made you so sure I was gonna say yes?”

“I have the utmost confidence in my charming skills. And if that failed, which there was no chance it would because I’m _that_ good, I would’ve stood under your window and played you the playlist from my shitty speaker.”

“Very dramatic.”

“I do try.”

Ricky pressed play and 18 by One Direction filled the car. The strums of the guitar came out from the speakers and Nina threw him a pointed stare. He caught it from the corner of his eyes and gave her a cheeky grin. 

“18? A little on the nose, don’t you think?”

“It’s the Dancing Queen of eighteen birthdays.”

She gave him a playful look, singsonging, “I thought we were pretending it wasn’t my birthday.”

“Shush and sing, Nini.” She rolled her eyes, but Harry’s vocals were too hard to resist and soon they were both screaming the lyrics at the top of their lungs. Ricky’s dancing made his driving dangerously reckless (more so than usual) and although there was barely anyone on the road, Nina poked his cheek back forward with the tip of her finger every time he looked at her for too long, his head banging.

“ _I have loved you since we were eighteen_ ,” they sang together, energized. 

Nina breathed heavily as the last chords played and the song ended and Golden started. She grabbed Ricky’s phone, opening it easily (his password was 0000), going on his spotify with curiosity. The name of the playlist was nini and she let out a chuckle at his lack of capitalization. The cover was a picture of her he had taken when they had gone to the museum together. He had sneaked up on her as she was staring at one of the painting. She had turned to him when she heard the click, scrunching up her nose teasingly at him, and he had photographed her again. She still remembered the offended expression that had overtook her features as soon she heard the second click and she had quickly whipped around when he had tried taking a third picture. It was the second one he had used as the cover and she thought it was actually a cute pic. 

The playlist was filled with some of her favorite artists, Taylor Swift, Lorde, Rex Orange County, Ariange Grande, Kacey Musgraves, Harry Styles, even Penelope Scott, who he did not like. It was 4 hours long and it was almost ridiculous, but scrolling down on the songs, recognizing all of them as some of her favorites, Nina felt her heart warm. 

“Thank you,” Nina said and he seemed thrown off guard by her sudden seriousness.

He should not, but he turned his head to look at her, “Huh?”

“For the playlist. Thank you.”

Ricky’s grin was wide and proud. “It’s nothing.” It wasn’t. 

Team by Lorde started and Nina grinned, pushing his head back to the road playfully. “Where are we even going?” 

“Wherever the road takes us. We are children of the asphalt.” He said very dramatically, and yet stopped five minutes later at the bowling alley. 

She gave him a disbelieved stare, “Bowling?”

“You used the same tone for stargazing and yet who was right and who was wrong, huh?” 

Ricky insisted they only played one game, and when she demanded what else he had planned for tonight, he answered a very suspicious, “Nothing.”

He mocked her tiny foot size as they grabbed their bowling shoes and she threw one of her discarded Converse at him. It missed and landed on the alley of one of the few other people present, a nice family that gave them dirty looks, and Ricky turned around to apologize, affirming he could not take her anywhere and some people weren’t raised with manners. Nina hit him in the shoulder and shamefully fished back her shoe, sending him daggers with her eyes as she walked back to their alley, where he was laughing at her. 

Nina got back at him by absolutely destroying him at bowling. She was shockingly better than she had ever remembered, scoring multiple strikes while his balls always curved away. She took every chance she could to rub it in until he claimed foul play for every single one of his mistakes, saying she got in his head. 

“Please,” she teased, “I’ve always _been_ in your head and you’ve managed _fine_ before.”

“This is cheating.”

“Not my fault you’re obsessed with me.”

It was a crushing defeat for Ricky and Nina did an embarrassing celebratory dance, one she stopped only when she realized he was filming her. She gave him a death stare and he laughed, throwing his head back. 

They enjoyed the blacklight for the last time as both their white shoes glowed in the dark, before leaving the bowling alley to get back to the cold. As they made their way back to the car, Nina spotted a diner on the other side of the street, the vintage neon lights and bench seats gleaming back at her from the windows. 

“I think you owe me a piece of cake as a victory trophy.” Before Ricky could say anything else, she grabbed him by his sleeve and tugged him towards the diner. 

There was barely anyone in the diner except for two clients in a far away booth, a man drinking coffee at the counter and an old lady with a bright blue dress. She had an apron and a tagname flashing the name “Mandy” and she immediately went to them with her little notepad out as they sat down in a booth. Her hair was in a messy bun that Nina had no idea how it stayed together and she fished out a pen from the nest. 

“Hi, welcome to Bev’s diner, what can I get you?” 

Ricky turned towards Nina, “What kind of cake do you want?”

She threw him a mischievous look and turned towards Mandy, smiling sweetly, “A strawberry cake, please.” She glanced towards Ricky who looked betrayed, an affronted expression on his face. 

“Perfect,” Mandy nodded, scrimbling it down. “And you?”

“Just… a chocolate milkshake.” As soon as she was done noting, Mandy turned around and left. Ricky whipped his head towards Nina, his mouth wide, still in shock. “I can _not_ believe you. You’re really gonna make me buy a fruit flavored cake knowing my deep and tumultuous history with fruits.”

“I really am an evil mastermind, huh?” Nina said smugly, sitting back.

He narrowed his eyes. “I was right all those years for hating you.”

Mandy came back with a piece of cake and a milkshake, dropping it on their table as she made smalltalk, asking them what they were doing in a diner at such an hour. Nina took this clear opportunity to boast about her undefeatable bowling skills and why she was so deserving of cake and Ricky could not help himself from defending his honor, affirming to the waitress that she had cheated and that was the only reason he had lost. When Mandy quietly exited their table, they were back to bickering about the bowling match, finding more and more ridiculous arguments as to why they were the rightful winner and better bowler (Ricky said he only let her win so she could mentally recover from the shoe incident and she threw a discarded ketchup packet at his face. This time, she did not miss).

Nina ate the strawberry cake with dramatic flair, laughing at his disgusted face every time she munched on a full strawberry. She danced a bite of cake in front of his face, her arms stretched as she tried to convince him to try some. Ricky shook his head away, pushing her fork back to her. 

“Were you put on this world to torture me?”

“Bold of you to assume I was put on this world for any man. I just like seeing your annoyed face. It’s ridiculous.”

Ricky gasped. “It’s _not_. Stop lying to try and further your narrative that you don’t think I’m _adorable_.”

Nina scoffed, “A _dork_ able at best.”

“Is that you trying to insult me?”

Nina gave him a sweet smile, biting back, “The guys from The Big Bang Theory are described as adorkable.”

Twice in such a short amount of time, Ricky gasped, hitting his chest dramatically, a wounded expression on his face. “You did not have to hit back so hard. Comparing me to misogynists as if I am not the number one pussy activist.” Nina threw her head back in laughter, shaking her head slightly, and when she looked back down Ricky was smiling at her. 

“You really shouldn’t say the words pussy activist in public,” Nina said before reaching out and grabbing his milkshake, sipping on his straw.

“I will not be silenced.” Ricky took back his drink.

They stayed a few moments longer, passing between them the chocolate milkshake as they invented crazy theories on who Bev was and what was her relation to the diner, but Ricky had other places he wanted them to go so they stood up to go pay shortly after they were done eating. Mandy was waiting for them at the cashier, stopping her conversation with the man at the counter as soon as she saw them leave their seats. Ricky paid for the cake although Nina tried to resist, affirming it was only a joke, but he smiled and said it was her birthday. She crossed her arms and lost her smile at the reminder, her mind doing circles with the words, unable to stop herself from thinking about everything she hated. 

She was only distracted from her thoughts when Mandy sighed as they were turning around to leave, “You guys are such a cute couple.” She had heart eyes and this enthralled smile, “Ah, young love. I miss it.”

“Uh, we’re not…” Nina started.

“Thanks,” Ricky awkwardly answered, giving Mandy a weird nod before turning around and fleeing the diner. Nina was right behind him. She laughed when they exited the building since she did not know what else to do, a small chuckle that Ricky could clearly see was more uncomfortable than humorous, as they simply stood there in front of the door. He looked at her for a few more seconds, barely a moment, and yet it felt like an eternity, and Nina forced herself to stop laughing. “We should go,” he smiled and she could not tell if it was real or not.

“Yes.” They walked back to the car. “Where to next?” Nina pried, nudging his shoulder.

“Wherever the road takes us. We are-”

“Children of the asphalt, yes, I know. It’s just as weird the second time you say it.”

When they reached the car, any trace of awkwardness was gone and Nina was eager to listen to more of the playlist. It’s Nice To Have A Friend by Taylor Swift was the first song that played when they started up the car again and drove away. 

By the time they got to the secret location, Heather and Comfort Crowd by Conan Gray, How You Get The Girl by Taylor Swift and 400 Lux by Lorde had all passed, the vibe in the car not as energetic and happy as when they first got in but much better suited for the late hours of the night they were now in. There was nothing but lamp post illuminating the dark street when they parked right in front of a minigolf course. 

Nina frowned, immediately confused, “What are we doing here?”

“So many questions,” Ricky moaned, but he had a clear smile on his face and it was obvious he loved to have her guessing. “Don’t you trust me?” He had a fake hurt look on his face and Nina answered with a smile.

“No.”

“I’m hurt,” he hit his chest. “Right here. In the heart. You cut deep, Nini.” He walked right to the door of the minigolf and Nina furrowed her eyebrows even more.

“Wh-” Before she could even finish a word, Ricky whipped out a key from his pocket and started opening the door. “What the- Huh?” 

“I used to work here,” Ricky answered simply (not that she had really asked any questions to be technical). He entered a code in the alarm system. “I still have friends that work here that lent me the key.”

Nina shook her head in disbelief, “Surely, this must be illegal.”

“Eh. Barely. I’m sure Steve won’t mind anyway.”

“Who the fuck is _Steve_?”

“The manager.” Nina did not appreciate his duh tone. “He was really cool. Let us stay here longer to chill.”

“So you took staying longer after shifts and thought it meant Steve is a-ok with breaking in?” 

“We’re not breaking in,” Ricky defended, before giving her a dumb grin, “We have a key.” She gave him a deadpanned look, still reticent and he sighed. “Look, I promise there’s no danger, except me totally _eviscerating_ you in minigolf. But if you don’t want to do it, we won’t.” She stayed silent and Ricky took the opportunity to continue, “It’s just… don’t you think it would be fun?” 

And it did sound fun so, as she seemed to have been doing a lot tonight, Nina turned off her brain and answered, “Fine. But I’m totally beating you at minigolf, though.”

“Please,” Ricky let out. “You seem to forget I used to work here.”

Indeed, Ricky was annoyingly good at minigolf, a clear practiced skill in every single one of his moves (Nina cheered herself up by affirming it did not compare to her raw bowling talents). Nina tried as hard as she could to beat him, usually not the competitive type but Ricky’s boasting and his competitive streak rubbing off on her. Nonetheless, no matter how much she was concentrating, calculating, reflecting, she could never do it in less than five strokes.

“Oh, you’re finally done,” Ricky smirked as she finally got the hole (she was one foot away from it when she finally made it). Ricky had been singing and dancing a cheeky tune gloating his talents and Nina had chosen to live in denial and pretend it was all his fault. “So, seven points for Nini and two for me. Which, let’s all remember, gives you a grand total of 32 and me 11.” She wanted to wipe his smug grin off his face.

Nina narrowed her eyes, “You’re enjoying this too much.”

“Oh, I’m loving this.”

“I thought it was supposed to be _fun_.” She whined, “I have felt no thrill from doing something illegal thus far. I’m starting to think you lured me in with the idea of being wild and reckless when your only intentions were beating me at minigolf.” She turned away towards the rest of the minigolf course. “Is Steve here, hiding in the bushes, mocking me?” Nina gasped, looking back at Ricky, “Does Steve even exist?”

“Steve exists and he’s not here right now. All the rest is true, though.”

“Is this payback for the strawberry cake?”

“Yes.”

Nina sighed dramatically again, “And on my birthday, too. You have no heart, Richard Bowen. None whatsoever.”

He rolled his eyes, “You’re being dramatic.”

“Of course the man who is _tearing_ my heart apart would say something like that. Way to diminish all my feelings, pussy activist.”

“I hate you.” He turned and walked towards the next lane, “Come on, Crybaby, I’ll teach you how to minigolf.”

Nina could not help herself from smiling at the words, skipping over to Ricky, a lightness to her steps. She stopped right beside him, still grinning, and he started explaining the techniques of mingolfing. Nina watched him go first, getting the hole in one stroke, before he turned towards her and asked her to do the same. She tried as hard as she could to apply his tips but, still, she completely missed the hole. Nina’s ams fell by her side, looking dejected.

“I think I have a minigolf curse.”

“You don’t. You’re just bad at it.”

She gave him a death glare, narrowing her eyes, “Yes. Because I’m cursed.”

“You’re just not doing what I told you to do.”

“Yes I am,” Nina cried out. 

“No, you’re not. Here, let me show you.” 

Ricky stood up from his seat on a red mushroom and walked to where she stood. He planted right in front of her, and they stared at each other for a while. He raised an eyebrow and she sighed, giving in and turning her back to him, getting in place. 

“See, you’re doing it wrong.” Ricky fixed her stand, moving her shoulders and her legs until they were in the right position and Nina felt her skin tingle where the memory of his hands still trailed. When he was done, he asked her to try again, but she was still slightly perturbed and completely missed the hole (her general lack of skills had nothing to do with it). Ricky shook his head, running where the ball had fallen off, and brought it back to her. “Try again.”

Nina started again, her gaze focusing on her goal as she prepared herself for the stroke. She took a swing, about to hit the ball, before she felt Ricky hand on hers and she stopped immediately, her whole body tensing. 

“Not like that,” Ricky explained, a small frown on his face. 

He reached his other hand for hers, his arms enveloping hers, and Nina’s brain starting buzzing. She did not know where to store all the new informations she was getting about Ricky Bowen, like how tall he actually was, or how warm she felt between his arms, or the pressure of his arms around, or the feel of her back against his chest. She felt so close from him, like they were back in the beds they had cuddled in before, back in the auditorium, their lips crashing together, and Nina could not help herself from playing in a loop the kisses they had once shared. 

She turned her head to look at him, a small crease between his eyebrows as he tried to explain what he affirmed was a very delicate technique, none of his words registering in her brain, and she let herself admire how beautiful he was, just for a second. Her eyes moved from his eyes, his long eyelashes, the slide of his nose, his jawline, and lingered on his lips, the memory of them warming her own, flushing her skin, enlightening a fire she had thought buried. Nina thought about kissing him, thought about how easy it would be to reach towards him and collide their lips together, but before she could fully form the idea, she was brutally awoken by Ricky’s arms swinging her putter. Her body jolted as she felt her own arms move, following him, and the bat hit the ball, sending it flying and entering the hole perfectly. Nina’s mouth gaped open.

“See, Nini,” Ricky said proudly and she looked up at him, realizing everything she was thinking before the shot, “No curse.”

He disentangled himself from her and walked away to the next lane, Nina’s brain lagging as she tried to collect herself. She did not like Ricky Bowen, she had to remind herself. Friends are just attracted to friends sometimes. A momentary weakness, that was all. She followed behind him. Nothing more.

Ricky won to no one’s surprise and he laughed about it the entire time they were locking up the place. As they were walking back to the car, their stomachs growled and they made a quick detour for pizza. They jumped inside the well known vehicule, driving to an old empty park and sitting on the swings to eat their gourmet meal, each leg straddling their seat to face each other, Ricky’s shitty speaker following along.

21 by Gracie Abrams was playing as Ricky excitedly opened the pizza box, sighing at the smell, Nina looking at him disturbingly. He ripped a piece of pizza with his bare hands and dropped it in his mouth, the cheese hanging from his mouth. Nina’s eyebrows furrowed deeper.

“Pineapple pizza?” 

Ricky shrugged, “What can I say, it’s good.”

“You hate fruits,” she said. “You literally punched me away when I merely showed you strawberry cake.”

“I did not punch you away, it was a slight push,” he cried out. “And it’s not the same.”

“How?”

“Pineapple pizza is good.”

“It’s really not.”

Ricky gasped, throwing a pepperoni her way, “Leave and go reflect on your sins.”

Nina kicked one of her leg to make herself swing slightly, a small movement rocking her from left to right. “I’m never letting you pick the pizza topping alone again.” 

Ricky took a giant bite of his pizza, giving her a devilish grin stained with sauce. He danced the pizza in front of her face, just like she had in the diner, and she rolled her eyes at his antics. “I bet you’ve never really tried it.”

“Gordon Ramsey says it’s bad.”

“And you’re going to let a _man_ dictate your opinions?” He said with a smirk, some challenge in his voice.

She gave him a stare, kicking her leg again to rock herself. “I am letting a culinary chef dictate my taste.”

“Just because he called someone an idiot sandwich on live television?”

“Precisely. You really get me, Richelieu.”

He took a second bite, his tongue sticking out to catch the string of cheese. “Consider this, Nini. I hate fruits. I could write several hate essays on fruits. And yet, here I am, eating pineapple pizza and _loving_ it. I think it says a lot about how good it actually is if I am willing to bring my lips anywhere near pineapples just so I can enjoy this fine delicacy and if you really-”

“Oh my god, will you shut up if I try it?” Nina asked, exasperated, already reaching down to grab a piece of pizza. She popped in in her mouth and made a dramatic gag. “Disgusting. The reason why God abandoned this timeline.” 

“You didn’t even try it for real,” he cried out. “There was no pineapple and I don’t think it was big enough to even be considered a bite.”

She rolled her eyes, “Who’s the crybaby now?” She took a whole slice, showing it off to him before taking the biggest bite she could fit. Nina munched on it, ready to gag with the same exaggeration, but the more she ate it, the more she didn’t exactly mind the taste. She pursed her lips, considering lying to Ricky’s face to avoid making him right. “It’s okay.”

Ricky smiled smugly, something teasing to the corners, “You love it.”

“It’s fine.”

“Stop lying. Pineapple pizza is awesome.”

“I swear I will peel off one of the pineapples and throw it at you if you keep talking.”

Ricky’s face scrunched, a disgusted expression overtaking his features, “Gross, pineapples.”

They finished the pizza as they kept talking, songs like Montreal by Penelope Scott, Sunflower by Rex Orange County, We Fell In Love In October by Girl In Red or Kiss Me by Ed Sheeran passing by, a distant background to whatever dumb movies they were describing to each other in excruciating details, mocking all the ridiculous moments they had to watch. 

Ricky twisted around, sitting normally in his seat as he started to swing, giggling at the feeling until Nina couldn’t help but join him. They rocked on the swings, their heads looking at the sky as they screamed and laughed at the rush of touching the dark night with their feet and grazing the ground with the tip of their hair. So far up, they felt like kids again, and it did not surprise any of them when Ricky proposed a jumping competition. 

He said the words and did not wait for her to agree before letting go and jumping from his perch. She watched with slight worry as he stumbled on the ground, hitting his knees, before he stood back up and cheered, demanding her to jump. She considered not doing so, considered trailing her feet on the ground until she slowed down, but she had already done so much stupid things tonight, so she waited until she reached the sky and let go. 

It was a surprising rush of adrenaline, a second flying in space, not knowing if she would reach the ground safely, her heart beating out of her chest. Her knees hit the ground and her hands scrapped the grass and she felt her entire body stumble as Ricky screamed, laughing like he couldn’t stop himself. It was kind of painful and yet Nina could not help herself from laughing with him, her body falling to the side, laying there on the ground as she giggled furiously for whatever reason. He came and laid beside her, a humorous energy still around him as the last breaths of a laugh left his body. 

They stayed there side by side, smiles cracking their heads, looking directly at the sky, imaging all the stars they knew could be there. Nina could spot four stars and named which constellation they were supposed to form. They did not talk for a while, but they did not need to. 

“Why don’t you like your birthday?” 

Nina whipped her head towards him, shocked. Ricky was still staring at the sky, neutral, emotionless, like he hadn’t just asked her about something he was not supposed to know. “What do you mean?” She opted for because it sounded safe. 

“Did you think I wouldn’t notice how sad and uncomfortable you get when anyone mentions your birthdays? It’s obvious.” Except, she kind of did think that, because in her eighteen years of life no one had noticed and, if they did, no one had ever asked. “You don’t have to tell me, you know. I get that it’s personal. I just… I don’t think you’ve told a lot of people. And I think you should.” 

She knew she didn’t have to tell him anything, but she still felt the slight shift in mood, as if it had sobered them up and made everything around them more serious, like they hadn’t been throwing themselves from a swing like little kids moments before. Nina couldn’t help but feel an expecting energy, like he had said all of that to please her, but really he was waiting for her to explain all her thoughts and feelings, entertain him with her interior turmoil. She knew it wasn’t true, wasn’t fair, but birthdays had always meant expectations to Nina, and she could not stop feeling them. She wanted to scream, wanted to go back to a time so shortly ago where she had barely remembered it was her birthday, wanted them to stop saying the words altogether. 

Still, she was put on this world to please, so she said, “It’s just.. scary to become an adult. To grow up.” And it was true, kind of. On top of all of her other issues, Nina hated the idea of aging. 

It was not like she liked being seventeen. Really, there was no advantage to it except Dancing Queen, no particular fun. But she hated that the world kept turning, hated that she was expected to move and change, hated that she was a different person every day, hated the chores and responsibilities that would add on her frail shoulders that could not even handle juggling musicals and student council. She wanted to stay right here, at this exact moment in place, unmoved, unchanged. She wanted everything to stop. 

“I get it. When I turned eighteen, I freaked out too, thinking I was gonna have to clean up my act and stop doing stupid shits and start being an adult. But we’re still teenagers. We’re not expected to become mature and responsible overnight because we happened to be born eighteen years ago that day. And, to be fair, I don’t think adults have their shits together that much anyway.”

Nina smiled, a crisp one because she had already heard these words so many times with no lasting impact, a harsh one because there was so many more problems that he had no idea about. She knew he was right, knew eighteen didn’t mean a thing, but it was not like she was known for her rational thinking. “Yeah, you’re right. Thanks.” Ricky turned to look at her and gave her the warmest smile and she felt bad for lying to him. 

“Are you gonna tell me what’s really bothering you now?” 

“How-”

“How did I know?” He smiled smugly. “If there’s one thing I know it’s how you look bothered.” She blushed slightly, wondering if he had caught her back at the minigolf course, her thoughts whirling with worry, but Nina forced herself to arch an eyebrow in judgement. Denial was the best course of action. “Not in _that_ sense,” Ricky rolled his eyes, but his teasing smirk was proof enough he had chosen his words very deliberately. “I just made annoying you my professional job for four years of high school.”

“Love the dedication.”

“Well, _somebody_ had to.” Ricky sighed, looking back at the sky. “Look, you don’t have to say anything. I know… I know it’s hard to share and…” He took a pause. “I have a confession.”

“You’re gay,” Nina gasped dramatically and he shook his head in disbelief, before becoming serious once more..

“I never blacked out on my birthday.”

It felt like the second punch to the face of the night and Nina’s stomach dropped, her world rocked just by one sentence. “What?” 

“I... I lied about forgetting. I remember everything.”

Flashes passed in front her eyes in a blur. Flashes of dancing to trashy pop songs, of laughing as their limbs flailed everywhere, almost hitting anyone in their proximity, of Ricky being cheered on as he took off his shirt, of him stumbling to her, green and scared, of them rushing to a bathroom, of his warm skin under her palm, of his messy hair sticking to his forehead, of the cold tiles, of their knees brushing together, of the words _I can make someone leave_ and the tears in his eyes and how much she wanted to reach out and hug him in that very moment, to protect him. He remembered everything?

“Why would you lie?” Nina asked, keeping her voice leveled as she tried to put a finger on how she felt. She didn’t know if she was shocked or upset, if it hurt her that he had hidden this from her and why it would even hurt her if that was the case. 

Ricky sighed, “I don’t know. I didn’t want to talk about it. I guess I was ashamed or something. And when you asked me if I remembered that night, I was like ‘hey, here’s an easy out’ and I took it.” He turned towards her, she could feel his eyes on her, but she kept her stare straight up to the tallest of trees. “I’m sorry.” Nina did not say anything, still trying to make sense of what she was feeling. It was not like it mattered if he remembered what he had shared to her in the bathroom, not like it changed anything. “But, to be fair,” Nina could hear the teasing smile in his voice. “I did also give you an in if you _really_ wanted to talk about it. You just thought I meant making out. Whose mind is in the gutter now, huh?” 

Perhaps a few moments ago she would have laughed and replied with her usual quip, but instead Nina let out, “Why are you telling me now?” It sounded more sorrowful than she intended. She just didn’t understand.

“I thought it would make you feel more comfortable to talk if I had gone first.” A silent lingered, like he was waiting for her to say something and she definitely wasn't. “Are you- Are you hurt?” Was she?

“I don’t know.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You said that.”

“I know but… I didn’t think you would care if I remembered that night or not.”

“I didn’t know I would care either.” She looked at him, surprised to find him staring back at her, a sad and apologetic expression on his face. “I think your birthday meant something to me.” She frowned as the words came out, already wondering why she said them out loud, why she spoke them into existence, why she made them true.

“For me too,” Ricky assured. “I just... I don’t really talk about my mom. To anyone. I don’t know. I hated the idea of being so vulnerable. And that’s probably how you feel too, and I know it’s hard to talk about things that hurt but… You can’t bottle it up inside. Believe me, I know.”

“Not with that attitude I can’t.”

“Nini…” He did not seem to think her funny. “Okay, here’s my deal. You ask me one question that I have to answer and I ask you one back.”

She raised an eyebrow at him. “20 questions? You’re proposing we play 20 questions?”

“No,” he defended quickly. “But yes.”

“Is this middle school? Am I going to have to wear those ugly khaki shorts again?”

“Just ask me a question Nini…” 

“I bet you wore spidey shirts every single day of middle school.” Nina teased and Ricky reached down to grab some dirt. She screamed, hitting his hand away before anything could be thrown at her. “You have terrible communication skills.”

“As I pretended for three months that I didn’t remember talking to you instead of acknowledging anything I said on my birthday, yes, I obviously _do_.”

Nina had been curious about his mom for a while now, personal questions swarming her mind for months. Although talking about her feelings didn’t sound that fun, she was interested in answers, so she took his (stupid) deal. “How did your call with your mom go on Christmas?”

“Fine,” he said, like it pained him a little to do so. “Like usual. It feels like talking to a stranger.”

“What did you talk about?”

“That’s two questions,” Ricky singsonged, shaking his head.

“That doesn’t count,” Nina pressed. “The ‘what did you talk about’ was included in my first question.”

He rolled his eyes, but answered nonetheless, “I don’t know. Boring stuff. School and Big Red and how I was doing. She said she was giving me money for Christmas and I thanked her. We never talk about her. I don’t ask and I don’t think she wants to tell.” The answer gave Nina more questions, but she bit her tongue before she could go on. It was unfortunately his turn. “What’s really bothering you?”

“Straight into it, huh?”

“The only straight thing about me.” Ricky said cockily and Nina could not stop herself from letting out a snort.

She gazed at the sky again, staying silent for a short moment as she tried to collect her thoughts, tried to explain her confusing feelings in full sentences. “I hate existing on my birthday, if that makes sense.” Nina could feel Ricky’s stare on her cheek, like he was waiting for every single one of her words. “It never feels like birthdays are about me, you know? It’s about how everyone else feels. And how everyone else feels about me. And there’s so much pressure, so much expectations, so much attention, I don’t know how to deal with them.” It came out of her like word vomit, unable to be stopped in the comforting listening of Ricky. “I want to be perfect. I want everything to be perfect. I want everyone to think I’m perfect. But I feel terrible, and I want to stay in my room and not be seen, but that’s disappointing to everyone else. And that’s it, I just always disappoint and I hate it because I want to be perfect and-” She cut herself, taking a breath, then letting out a small chuckle. “I need to stop talking.”

“No,” Ricky frowned. “Don’t say that.”

“I’m not making any sense.”

“I understood you. And if not, who cares? Sometimes you just need to rant.”

Nina shook her head. “I can’t go and give you all the answers. I still need to be a little bit mysterious. Keep things interesting.”

“You’ll always be interesting.” Ricky smiled at her and it spread to her, an unstoppable grin worming its way on her lips.

She nudged his shoulder. “Anyway,” she masterfully changed the conversation. “Are you ever going to tell your mom how she makes you feel?”

“I tried to.” He said truthfully. “At Christmas, I wanted to. I had the words on my tongue and everything. I was like ‘this time, I’m really doing it’. And then I choked and we talked about the weather in Salt Lake instead.” He took a long breath. “I’m just so afraid of telling her.” She opened her mouth to press further, but he had already switched the conversation back to her. “Why were you crying that day after practice?” 

Nina closed her eyes at the memories. She remembered the panic of that day, the uncontrollable tears, the undeniable shame. She remembered crying in his arms. It was not one of her proudest moment. “I was messing up the choreography.”

“Everyone messes up the choreo all the time,” Ricky tried to comfort her.

“It’s not the same.”

“Because you want to be perfect?” 

“It’s not just want,” Nina said in a small voice, barely a whisper, as she tried to stop herself from tearing up. It was always a touchy subject for her. “I _have_ to be perfect. I need to be. And I’m not. And I hate it.” She blinked tears away. “Sometimes, it’s like I can’t do anything right, and I just want to. So badly.” She felt the salty tears run down her temple and her lips shivering. “I don’t even know why I’m like this. My moms always supported me no matter what. It makes it worse, somehow, that it’s my own fault. That I only have myself to blame every time I wonder why I can’t just let go. I wish I could let go. I wish I didn’t have to be perfect. But I do, and I’m not, and I wish I was perfect, and I just-” 

Ricky grabbed her shoulder, tugging her to him until her head was laying on his shoulder, his arms around her back, and Nina burst down crying. There, on the nook of his arm, gripping his hoodie, his fingers drawing soothing circles on her back, holding tightly onto her as if she was going to slip away if he let go, Nina bawled her eyes out. She did not know how long it lasted, could only count the times in the amount of sobs she let out and the turns of his fingers, but by the end of it her eyes were red and puffy, her cheeks and nose flushed and the shoulder of his hoodie wet. 

“I’m sorry…” She croaked out, her own voice foreign to her ears.

“Stop apologizing.” His hand traveled up from her back to her face, brushing away the strands of hair hiding her, playing with her locks until she closed her eyes and sighed in content. “I know there’s nothing I can say to fix your insecurities, but if it makes you feel better, I think you’re pretty awesome, imperfect and all.”

Nina smiled, looking down. “Thanks.” She nestled her head deeper in his shoulder. “Why are you afraid of telling her?”

“What?”

“Your mom. Why are you afraid of telling her how you feel?”

“I’m afraid she won’t care.” Ricky admitted. “I’m afraid nothing will change and then what does it mean if my mom knows she’s hurting me and is not doing anything.”

“I know it’s scary, but if she really doesn’t care, there’s no point in keeping touch with her. Family is toxic sometimes and it’s okay to cut them off.” 

“I think I’d miss her.” His voice was small. “I’m not sure I could do it.”

She looked up at him. “It hurts more to live in the unknown.” 

Without words, they both felt the conversation was over, and they shifted to spelling words on the other’s skin until they would rightfully guess it (Ricky was stuck for eight whole minutes on the word blackberry. He claimed he had forgotten they existed). They whispered about music and dreams and a definitive list grading the Total Drama Island characters (Gwen was obviously in first place). They laid in the middle of this children’s park, in each other’s arms, stuck in their bubble.

They were mostly silent when Ricky drove her back home, the playlist still not over but coming to its end, Chanel by Frank Ocean, July by Noah Cyrus or Xanny by Billie Eilish lulling them to a soft sleepy vibe. He walked Nina to the front of her door (as a true gentleman does, he claimed), and she turned to him when they reached it.

“Thank you, Ricky. For today. I don’t think I’ve had a good birthday in… ever.” He blushed. 

They did not hesitate to hug each other, any weirdness in being in each other’s arms long gone. Her cheek pressed against his chest, his arms tight around, his chin on the top of her head, Nina breathed in his smell and let herself enjoy his warmth for the last time. They lingered here for a moment, until it felt like it was time to move, and she disentangled herself from him ever so slightly, looking up at him. Ricky smiled, posing on her forehead a kiss, pressing his lips to her skin. She flushed, feeling her skin warm and tingle, wondering how he expected her to leave him now. She kind of wanted him to kiss her again.

“Happy birthday, Nini. Goodnight.” Ricky turned back to his car and she entered her house and crashed on her bed. 

That night, she had the sweetest dream.


	15. chapter fifteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- dedicated to anaya, whomst i love. happy birthday i hope you have the sweetest day!  
> \- this is not even a long chapter so i have no reason to have taken this long to update, but i will blame it on the fact that i posted a fic in-between the updates (btw, i posted a fic with my friend catherine @ salrob (hanbrough) if you want to check it out it’s named you rock my world :D)

Spring Break was finally there and it felt like a breath of fresh air, like a sigh of relief. The last week had been particularly gruesome, teachers filling it up with exams after exams before the break would make all students forget what geometry even was. Thankfully, Nina had a whole week to sleep off all the residue stress the need to constantly excel at things had given her. 

With all the late mornings and ten seasons shows and sleepy walks around her neighborhood when her body became restless from laying in her bed all day, Nina had barely seen any of her friends all break. Therefore, when Gina had invited her to a Girl’s Night at her house, she had been more than happy to comply, taking a ride from Kourtney with her backpack filled with Hello Kitty pyjamas, nail polish and candy. When they arrived, Ashlyn was already there. 

“I’m so glad you could come,” Gina exclaimed excitedly as she let them in. She was wearing long blue pyjamas pants and a white shirt, much more adult than what Nina had packed. Thankfully, Ashlyn had Camp Rock pyjamas on. “I know it was kind of last minute.”

“Yes, it was very hard to make place in my _insane_ schedule, but I made do for you.” 

“Neens, Kourt, come see what I brought,” Ashlyn called them from the living room. She was bent down, staring at something, and when they arrived behind her she whipped around with a bright and wide grin and showed off what she was holding. “Tattoos!”

So they made popcorn and brought the chips out and Nina took the candies from her bag and they sat in Gina’s living room, holding wet rags to their skin. Gina and Nina were sitting alongside each other in one of the legs of the L shaped couch, deciding on matching butterflies tattoos, on the shoulder and on the collarbone respectively. Kourtney, who was sitting down on the floor, dipping her chips in ranch to the disgust of everyone around her, had chosen a lighting bolt on her forearm. Ashlyn had went with a heart on her thigh, and they had slightly teased her for it, until she poutily said they weren’t getting any love from her now.

Gina was dishing out the most recent gossip, something she had heard from someone close to the source but definitely not enough to be considered reliable, a story filled with cheating and backstabbing and grandiose reveals. It mostly concerned Northerners and the rest of the girls had difficulty placing all of the people involved, if they knew them at all, so Gina had Instagram pulled out to show them all of the scandal participants. They all agreed a short asian girl with glasses and a bubbly instagram was cute and they were simply shocked to find out she was sleeping with her best friend’s boyfriend, feeling almost betrayed. 

“Straight people drama,” Ashlyn snorted, shaking her head lightly, “I really would hate to be them.”

“Let’s not act like lesbians don’t all know and have dated each other. Literally I have yet to have a girlfriend who didn’t have any type of relation to my exes.”

Nina nodded as she took off her rag, slowly peeling away the sticker with a laughable amount of concentration, “Yeah, I am forever scarred by the two girls I had crushes on that ended up dating each other.” The temporary tattoo was mostly intact, a small and pink thing with only a few scratches, and Nina looked back up at them with a proud grin.

“Too bad for them,” Kourtney said, popping a chip in her mouth, “You’re a treat.”

“Thanks, Kourt. So are you.”

Gina peeled her sticker off, just as well done as Nina’s, and they nudged their shoulders in camaraderie. “Who were the girls?” She wondered, and Nina showed her her two crushes’ Instagram, explaining in details what she had liked about the both of them and how each feelings had developed, heart eyes at the simple idea of love. “This one kind of looks like Ricky.” Gina stated, showing back a picture of a brunette with hazel eyes. 

“She doesn’t,” Nina said defensively, taking back her phone and holding it to her chest with a slight pout. 

Ashlyn snorted and tried reaching for the phone, “Which?” Nina held onto it, slapping her hand away.

“Ella.” Gina answered and Nina felt slightly surrounded.

“Kind of,” Kourtney agreed, “Vaguely.” Her lighting bolt had been the most well done, coming out whole and bold, and she was looking at her forearm with a smile.

Gina shrugged, “I guess Neens has a type.”

“I _don’t_ have a type.” She bit back, crossing her arms and settling herself deeper in the couch’s pillows, her heart inexplicably beating out of her chest. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Gina laughed, a clear and loud laugh, her shoulders shaking, but she shook her head and let it go nonetheless. “Sure.” She turned to Ashlyn. “How does your heart look?”

Ashlyn took off the protective layer and gasped, showing off a half destroyed heart, as much skin as tattoo. They bit their lips, trying to look disappointed for her, before bursting in giggles. When she finally threw a pillow at their heads, they were almost in tears. 

While Gina ordered a pizza and made a new batch of popcorn, extra buttery per Ashlyn’s request, they all decided on a movie to watch. Obviously, their heart stopped on Twilight, and they put it on without searching any further. Kourtney snapped a quick picture of the movie for her Instagram story, then of her friends all bundled up together, before a last one of their feast. She titled all of them Girl’s Night and chose some funky stickers to ornate them. 

They barely made it to the Cullens introduction scene before their groupchat started blowing up.

Carlos was throwing a tantrum in their messages for not being invited to Girl’s Night, screaming (texting in all caps) that he had always been invited to Girl’s Night and it was simply homophonic to not be included. Seb had made an agreeing statement, saying he was simply heartbroken to have been backstabbed by his very best friends, and suddenly all the boys were feeding off each other, lamenting about their missing invitation, inventing crazier after crazier metaphors for their sense of betrayal. 

Thirty minutes later, the five boys had arrived to Gina’s house with their pyjamas and sleeping bags.

They settled in the living room, making their way around the girls, and Nina was strangely disappointed when Ricky dropped down on the ground between Kourtney and EJ, his back in the angle of the couch, his head laying back on Ashlyn’s leg. She was quickly distracted by it when EJ, in EJ fashion, sparked a Edward vs Jacob argument. 

“He’s hot and shirtless,” EJ defended, heated. “What more do I have to say?”

“He had a crush on a _baby_ , Everett Josemite,” Gina bit back. 

Carlos perked up, throwing her a slightly judgemental side look, “So we’re going to ignore that Edward-100-years-old- _grown_ - _man_ was after a minor?”

“A _baby_!” Gina screeched.

“Edward used to break in and watch Bella sleep, Regina, they’re both creeps,” Ashlyn answered, popping a chip in her mouth.

Nina whipped her head to her friend, mouth agape in shock, “Ashlyn? You too?” She sounded betrayed and Ashlyn rolled her eyes at her, throwing at her a single chip (that missed). “How many more of my friends will I be forced to lose as they reveal their darkest secret?”

“Secret?” EJ snorted, “I am a _proud_ Team Jacob.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t be…” Ricky gave him a judgmental once-over look and EJ hit his shoulder. As their petty fight started escalading, Kourtney rolled her eyes heavily. 

“None of these men come close to my girls Rosalie and Alice.”

“Or Carlisle and Charlie,” Seb added. “Or really any other character except the love triangle.”

“Now I know you’re not adding the confederate soldier in that list…”

Their argument continued until the baseball scene started and they all immediately shushed each other to watch the cinematic masterpiece, wooing as Victoria, James and Laurent came on the screen in their treadmill glory.

“They truly are the most powerful gays in history,” Nina said and she received a round of agreement. 

The nine teens were singing at the top of their lungs Flightless Bird, American Mouth by Iron & Wine as Edward and Bella swayed slowly, enthralled in each other. They cheered in excitement when Edward got closer to her neck, as if they hadn’t seen this movie a hundred times already, as if they didn’t know the end, and got mixed answers as the man kissed Bella’s neck. EJ threw popcorns at the screen, booing, and Ricky quickly started a new fight with him until they were both throwing friendly punches at each other and Kourtney grabbed them by their ears. The second movie was started immediately after.

“Oh, we should do a Twilight drinking game,” Carlos cheered. “I’ll go make us some drinks.” 

Nina jumped at the words, standing up. “No, I’ll do it. Last time you were in charge of the drinks, you put so much tequila it was basically shots.”

“You guys don’t appreciate my bartending skills,” Carlos snuffed, crossing his arms, and Seb murmured something in his ear until he cracked a smile.

Gina stood up as well, grabbing the bowls of popcorns and chips and swiftly cleaning up the living room. “I’ll make more corns while we’re at it.”

When they entered her kitchen, Gina made a quick turn for her pantry, asking as she twisted away, “Can you check if there’s any more juice?” 

Nina opened the fridge, grabbing the box of orange juice they had opened tonight and shaking it to find it empty. She placed it on the corner, looking around again to find something else. “No, but you got lemons. I could make lemonade?”

Nina peaked out of the doors of the fridge to see Gina shrugging, ripping the prepackaged popcorn. “Knock yourself out.” She started the microwave.

Nina picked up the lemons, trying to make her way around the kitchen with Gina’s helpful directions, finding a knife, a cutting board, a jug and sugar and starting her lemonade. As she cut up the lemons, she could feel Gina’s pointed stare on her. From the corner of her eyes, Nina could clearly see she was watching her with a slight knowing smirk.

Nina sighed, throwing Gina a glance, “Say it.” 

Gina gave her a frown, tilting her head to the side, as if she had no idea what Nina was talking about, and although she was a very good actress, Nina saw right through her. “Say whatever’s on your mind.”

Gina smiled, shaking her head slightly, as if happy to have been found out. “You’re not gonna like it.”

“I figured as much.”

“What’s going between you and Ricky?” Of course, that’s what she would say. Nina wasn’t even shocked or surprised, she had been feeling the stares of her friends for weeks now, but none as present and piercing as Gina’s. 

Nonetheless, Nina groaned. “He’s my friend, Gina.” She pressed the cut up lemons with more harshness than necessary.

“That’s it?” She arched a perfectly plucked brow, only breaking eye contact and twisting around when the alarm of the microwave went off. 

“Yes. I know you think there’s something going on, but I swear he’s just my friend. One of my best friends, even.” Gina stayed silent, ripping the bag of popcorn open and dropping its content in a bowl. Nina could feel the weight of the silence, the pointed quiet of Gina’s mind, and she sighed again. She didn’t want to know, but still, she asked, “What are you thinking now?”

“That you’re in denial, mostly. But if you say there’s nothing, I won’t push.” 

Nina shook her head at her friend with a slight smile. Gina was always so stubborn, so sure she was right, so against changing her mind. She loved her exactly that way. “You get half a thanks for not bothering me anymore.” With this subject closed, Nina added the sugar to her lemonade, mixing the beverage with a grin. She could feel Gina still staring at her, like she wanted to say more, but she was staying silent and Nina greatly appreciated her for that.

If there was something Nina did not need, it was somebody else worming some ridiculous ideas about Nina and Ricky Bowen and feelings in her mind.

“What are the ladies talking about?” Ricky’s voice resonated from the doorway and Nina jumped up at the sound, looking up blushing and terrified, afraid he had heard everything that had been said. 

“Nina’s unconditional love for you, obviously,” Gina said it sarcastically, the words coated with ridicule, but Nina could not help herself from throwing a menacing glare her way. “And other girly stuff, like nails and hair and the fear of walking alone.” With this, she grabbed the bowl of popcorn and exited the kitchen, sending Nina a last wink.

Ricky turned towards her with a teasing smirk, walking up to her with mirth in his eyes. She couldn’t help but smile. “I always knew your hatred for me was just a front for a deep obsession.” 

She spun around to meet him face on, giving him a sarcastic look, trying to hide her inexplicable grin, “You got me.” 

He nudged with his chin to the lemonade jug besider her, “You made it?”

“Yes.”

“Can I try it?” He sounded vaguely excited at the prospect.

“I haven’t added the vodka yet.” Nina explained, but he had already taken the spoon from her hand, leaning in until he was undeniably in her space, extending his arm to the side to dip it in the beverage. Maybe she should have made a comment about how this was surely not the most efficient way of having a sip, but he was so close yet so far from her, the vague scent of his detergent tickling her nose, the memory of how his body felt against her, her fingers digging in the counter to stop herself from reaching out and passing them through his hair. Her brain simply did not work enough to ponder over efficiency.

Nina thought he might get more beautiful every day.

Slowly, he took a sip from the spoon, Nina’s eyes following his lips like gospel. The ends of his smile curled in a smirk, and he let out in a husky tone, “Sweet.” 

Nina stayed there, staring, until her brain started fumbling for a distraction and she stuttered out, “Can you pass me the vodka?” Ricky took another step closer and Nina was hit by a vague of electricity, like every single one of her atoms was awoken by the presence of Ricky Bowen, buzzing with his sheer proximity. He leaned forward, reaching past her to god knows where, his head just beside hers, his cheek almost grazing hers. She remembered the soft skin of his cheeks when she held him in her palms, so delicately like he would break and yet so possessively like he would slip away from her, and kissed him like her life depended on it. When Ricky leaned away and her brain got enough oxygen to form half a thought, her gaze fixed on the vodka he was handing her, she felt herself blush scarlet red. She quickly grabbed it and spinned around, grabbing a shot glass with a tremble of shame and working on spiking up her lemonade and _not_ think of Ricky Bowen. “What did you need in the kitchen?” Nina asked to break the silence (and hopefully send him away soon).

“Can a man not come to annoy you without any further excuses?” Ricky slipped to her side, leaning his weight onto his hand on the counter as he stared at her side profile.

“Is this _your_ unconditional obsession coming out?” The snark came easy to her. 

“Please, you’ve always known.” He waved her away with exaggeration, something playful, before actually answering, “I came to get mint ice cream if you were actually concerned.”

Nina’s nose scrunched, like a reflex. “Gross. Your taste truly is questionable.”

“Hey, you liked pineapple pizza.” Ricky pointed a finger towards her accusingly.

“You can’t prove it.”

“It tastes fresh and the mix of mint and chocolate works perfectly.”

She gave him a deadpanned look. “It’s toothpaste flavored ice cream. It’s an abomination.”

“You’re a meanie, Nini.” He pouted, his lower lip exaggeratedly out, his eyebrows raised in a pitiful look. He was looking childishly hurt.

Nina snorted, “Cute.”

“When am I not.” He gave her a teasing look, and she threw him a mischievous one. She opened her mouth immediately, and Ricky realized he had set himself up, quickly adding, “Don't answer that.” 

Ricky turned around and Nina followed him with her eyes with too much attention. He made his way to the fridge, opening the freezer to fish out a pint of mint and chocolate chips ice cream, looking back up at her with pride. 

“And then you refuse to eat fruits,” Nina said with a haughty look.

“When will you let me live it down?” He opened the pint, grabbing a spoon and digging in a huge bite, stuffing it in his mouth with an appreciative moan. Nina fake gagged and he rolled his eyes. Taking a step towards her, he took a new spoonful, this time directing it towards her. “Come on, take a bite.” 

Ricky moved the spoon around her mouth and she sighed, opening it and taking the bite. She felt the ice cream melt on her tongue and when she looked back up at him, he had a smile. “I could have brushed my teeth and it would have done the same thing.” 

“Your heart is filled with hate, Nini Salrob.” 

“You guys are missing out on the only parts of the movie with Edward, come back,” Big Red screamed from the living room and they jumped, almost forgetting they were not alone. 

“Yes, and I want my drink,” Carlos yelled.

Nina grabbed the pitcher and some glasses, walking back to the living room. This time, when she dropped on the couch, Ricky sat right beside her. They stayed there the entirety of the movies, whispering in each other’s ears their very own commentary, giggly and tipsy from the lemonade, undeniably happy. Ricky poked the butterfly on her collarbone in curiosity and she sticked her tongue out at him. While the third movie was playing in the background, vampires getting killed like dolls, they all did each other’s nails and Nina applied a coat of bright pink nail polish on Ricky’s hands. 

“Pink is my favorite color,” she said with a lightness to her voice alcohol usually brought, a bit too happy, her eyes fixed on his nails as she tried as hard as she could to not mess them up with her blurred mind. 

“I know.” 

They all set up camp in the living room, turning it in a battlefield of pillows, mastresses, sleeping bags and blankets, all of them laying down in the craziest of positions, trying to cram in nine people in such a small place. Nina and Ricky slept right beside each other, Nina holding onto her music note necklace as she lulled to sleep with a smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think i should be updating sooner since i’ve already started the new chapter, however i haven’t been good at keeping any of my promises of updating soon, so i will not make any in fear of jinxing myself


	16. chapter sixteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dedicated to the priv tl for being my own personal google. still mad that you guys forced me to watch a maths video though

The entire school had been buzzing with the new college admissions. There was an air of excitement at the concrete proof that there was a future, a next year, a path. Nina had been giddy since the first of April, the exact date she had received her NYU acceptance letter and her dreams had finally solidified. She had kept on receiving admissions letters (and rejection, but she did not let herself linger on that by fear of being reminded that she was not perfect) from her back-up schools, schools she had been able to imagine herself attending, schools she had seen herself drinking vanilla lattes while running for her next class and studying under an acacia tree in, never as vivid or as hopeful as NYU.

Nina had no doubt about it, she was going to New York University. She had her eyes on a Music major, but she had never been big on decision making, so her mind still dreamt of History and English and Environmental studies. At least, for now, she had all the time to fantasize, to change daydreams every day. The future didn’t seem as scary as it usually felt, more hopeful, filled with an endless stream of possibilities, and for the very first time in her life, it did not scare Nina. 

“I’m thinking of choosing Wellesley. I think being surrounded by women would be very healing for me,” Kourtney said, her eyes fixed on the fabric she was passing through her sewing machine. She was doing the hem of a costume as Nathalie sang Kindergarten Boyfriend somewhere far away. Kourtney pretended to barely care about college, to not feel stressed about this life-altering decision, but Nina could see right through her. 

“I thought you wanted to go to Georgetown,” Gina asked from her perch on a chair, standing still as a sophomore worked on the bottom of her skirt that had ripped during a particularly heated run-through of Candy Store.

“Eh. I don’t feel it anymore.” 

“Don’t worry,” Nina gave her a warm smile. “You’ll figure out what you want.” Kourtney gave her a grateful look. It reminded her of how much they knew each other, all the time and secrets they had shared, how strong their friendship was, and there was a surprising amount of nostalgia in her heart. It made Nina miss what was still there.

“I’m leaning towards University of Chicago right now,” Ashlyn said, spread out on the couch backstage, playing with her green scrunchie. 

Seb was retouching his makeup at the light up mirrors, adding an insane amount of highlight, “Oh, I heard they have a really good Communication program.” 

“Yes, and Psych too, so it kind of covers all my bases. It's pretty expensive, though. I’m also thinking of University of South Carolina, too.” She looked at curiosity at Seb, “Are you and Carlos still thinking of UCLA?”

“You know it.” Carlos and Seb had talked about going to college together for as long as NIna knew them, but the school always changed as the dream evolved, as they discovered new interests and grew into new people. They had dreamt of holding hands on the campus of universities in the four corners of the country until the girls had difficulty following their constantly travelling minds. However, since the admissions had been sent, they had seemed to be pretty sure about UCLA. It offered a good Dance program for Carlos and a Film one for Seb. 

“I think so too,” Gina said as she stepped off the stool, thanking the sophomore as they fled away, almost ashamed to exist. “My mom really wanted Duke but UCLA has the best Drama program.” 

“When we all end up in LA…” Seb said with a smile, although they all knew it was unlikely. Big Red was heavily leaning towards the University of Michigan, finding an interest in Computer Science, and EJ was completely indecisive, but he seemed to be aiming for a Law or Business degree. They had all raised an eyebrow when he had told them, none of them able to imagine their friend EJ Caswell, dumb and happy in the best way, as a lawyer or a ruthless businessman, but Ashlyn had hinted that it was mostly his dad’s pressure, so it had kind of made sense in the end. 

Before any of them could add anything, Ricky walked in, calling all the actors to the stage, saying they were starting Yo Girl soon. He had a leftover smile on his lips and the corner of his eyes narrowed in the memory of a laughter, and Nina imagined him quietly giggling with his friends in the seating, the thought warming her in the weirdest way. 

“You’re still shooting for NYU?” Ashlyn asked him as they stood up and gathered their things, Gina grabbing her two half-empty water bottles and Seb poking fun at her like he always did. They quickly said bye to Kourtney.

Ricky shrugged as he held the door for them, “It’s always been the dream.” NIna smiled at his words.They had both gushed about New York University in many of their forced hangouts, especially when school started again and college applications were right around the corner, and then the slow burn of waiting for an answer had made their tongues loose with dreams and hopes. They had talked of everything they wanted to do, everything they wanted to see, of walking down Bryant Park and visiting the Met and the MoMA and the Guggenheim museum, of taking the subway for the first time and discovering all the cool and underground stores crawling the insides of New York, of everything new and exciting that would blow their Salt Lake City habitants for eighteen consecutive years’ minds, and soon it had become almost impossible to separate New York from Ricky. She was almost as happy that he got in as her own admission. “At least, I’ll have a friend with me there.” Ricky grinned, nudging her shoulder slightly. 

“Yeah,” she smiled, “At least you’ll have a friend.”

__________

“So the limit of f(x) as x approaches 19.50 is -50?” Ricky asked, his nose stuck in his mathematics books, an unsure frown on his face. He bit his lower lip as he tried to make sense of the material. He had a math exam the next day that he swore he was going to fail, all his Northerner friends wincing when he told them it was a Mr. Santiago exam. Nina figured he was a particularly harsh and brutal teacher known for difficult tests and had generously proposed to help him study. His eyes gleaming with hope and joy, Ricky had profusely thanked her, quickly singing her praises before rapidly kissing her cheek and grabbing his coat, running to his next class two floors up as the bell rang. Nina had blushed.

They met each other in the library, sprawling their stuff on a table in a faraway corner, hidden from view, and Ricky had handed her a chocolate muffin with a smile. 

“Close,” Nina smiled, playing with the pink fluffy end of her pen, “It’s actually 50. You probably just messed up the graphic.”

Ricky groaned, dropping his head in his hands in disappointment, “I’m never going to get it.” He looked sad and exasperated, like he had already convinced himself it was a lost cause, and Nina’s body fluttered with a need to make him feel better. 

She reached her hand out, almost hesitant, unsure where she was going with it, surprisingly ending it on his. He looked up at her in surprise and she gave him a reassuring smile, squeezing his hand. “Of course you’ll get it, Ricky.” He beamed as his name grazed her lips. 

Nina explained the problem again, tilting her head closer to him to look over at his paper, holding his hand in hers, her thumb absentmindedly tracing circles on his palm.

__________

Nina was walking towards the cafeteria, missing the tree in the school yard they had called theirs. The temperature had significantly warmed up, the snow all melted away long ago, but there was a consistent breeze and a slight chill that Carlos always liked to exaggerate as he tugged them back in towards the cafeteria, saying they should thank him as he was simply thinking of their health ( _“A slight cold could ruin weeks of rehearsals, guys, I’m just thinking of you.”_ ) 

“Nina,” someone called behind her, and she turned with a slight frown. Howie Ashman stood in all his glory, waving at her with his perfect smile she had always found so charming. 

“Hi,” she grinned, staying put as he jogged over to her, “How are you?”

“Good. We haven’t talked in so long.” Nina’s smile crisped at the memory of the last time they talked, a fine but boring date, a total lack of chemistry. Howie froze, realizing what he had just said, and stammered, “I’m not- I don’t- This isn’t-“

Nina had no idea what he was saying, but still she said, “No, yeah, of course.” 

“So how’s the show?” Howie rushed out, desperate for a new subject change. 

“It’s going good. We’re in the last run now, just perfecting it.” 

“I can’t wait to see it.” Howie avoided a freshman frantically running in the hallway and took a step towards her.

“Oh, in this case, it’s going terrible. Please lower your expectations right now.” 

Howie gave her a playful look, shaking his head, “Nice try, but I know the truth.” 

“The number one way to make sure people love the show is talking it down so much that they expect trash, and then get nicely surprised when it’s only mediocre.” Nina had been telling her moms the show sucked for weeks now as a preventive measure. 

“You don’t need to talk it down, I’m gonna love it either way.” Nina couldn’t control her smile, ready to thank him (and then seamlessly insult the show to further her Lowering Everyone’s Expectations agenda) when someone appeared by her side, dropping their arm over her shoulders as they rocked her slightly from the sudden movement. Nina looked up in surprise to see Ricky Bowen. 

“Everyone’s waiting for you to open EJ’s months old lunches, Nini.” Ricky smiled, leaning towards her in camaraderie. 

“You really don’t need to.”

“We wouldn’t want you to miss out,” Ricky flicked her nose and she scrunched it up. He then turned towards Howie in almost surprise, but Nina could clearly spot from months of acting beside him was all constructed. “Oh, hi, I didn’t see you.”

“No worries,” Howie waved him away. “I’m Howie.” 

Ricky turned towards her with a knowing smirk, “Howie, huh?” She blushed. “I’m Ricky.” 

“Nice to meet you, bro.”

“Of course.” His tone dripped with fake sweetness and, this time, even Howie could feel the lie on his tongue. “What were you two talking about?” 

“Just her show,” Howie answered, sounding vaguely awkward.

Ricky nodded, “Yeah, I’m in it too.” He quickly added, “I play JD. Do you know who JD is?” 

“Yeah, I’ve seen the movie man.” 

“Cool.” Ricky’s smile did not reach his eyes. “Anyway, sorry, I gotta steal her away, there’s moldy lunches waiting for her.”

“Wouldn’t want to keep her,” Howie said, a slight humor to his tone, but he barely had time to finish before Ricky spun her away, his arms still snaked around her shoulders. 

Nina turned her head to Howie who was shaking his head in amusement. “Bye,” she cried out and she barely heard his answer. 

“So this was Howie?” Ricky asked, teasing, and she turned her head back to him. 

“Shut up.” 

“I didn’t say anything,” he said innocently. 

Nina narrowed her eyes at him, “You didn’t have to.” Ricky nudged her shoulder with a smile.

__________

“I’m Veronica Sawyer, by the way. Were you ever going to tell me your name?” Nina recited, a flirty smile on. They had run the show so many times, it came like second nature to her, slipping into Veronica’s skin like it was her own. Most of the time now, when Ricky and her planned on running their lines, they just ended up talking about their day or a recent movie they watched or whatever dumb thing their friends did, not needing the extra repetition anymore.

“I’ll end the suspense. Jason Dean. JD for short.” Ricky said and the words were familiar to her ears. They were currently at JD and Veronica’s first time speaking, right before Freeze Your Brain was going to play. This far into the year, Miss Jenn and Zach were no longer nice and understanding, scrutinizing them to spot the last kinks and weaknesses of the show and eradicate them. 

Nina took a step towards him, pretending to peruse the 7/11 booth, Ricky watching her with amusement. “So what brings a Baudelaire-quoting badass like you to Sherwood, Ohio?” 

They went off to talk about his dad, the stage directions like an intricate choreography in their minds, no longer any shame or reticence at being so close to each other, at batting their eyes in a seductive way, at smiling and grinning and bantering. It almost felt like them. 

Ricky sang Freeze Your Brain, which never failed to amaze her. He was undeniably talented and she could hear him sing all day (sometimes, she kind of wanted him to sing her to sleep at night too). They left the stage for barely a moment, Nina quickly gulping down water as she ran back to start Big Fun. 

So long ago, Big Fun had been her dreaded musical number, never getting the dance quite right, always behind on everyone. Nina had gotten the hang of it by staying longer after rehearsals, throwing herself in the dance until she finally had it, refusing to ask help from any of her friends even though she knew they would gladly offer it, only Ricky as company. He wasn’t even in the number, but it somehow made it even better, that he couldn’t know how good or bad she was doing as she spun. She never asked him to be there anyway, he just lingered around every time he saw her stay longer, playing on his phone or singing along or completely messing up the choreography beside her until she was laughing too hard to dance. 

As she sang the chorus, she looked backstage to find Ricky staring at her with a proud smile. 

__________

“Neens!” Dana called from the living room. Nina perked up in surprise, her nose previously stuck in a textbook, taking off her earphones blasting lofi study beats. “Ricky is here!” 

She frowned, standing up from her desk to run downstairs, coming to the door to see Ricky Bowen waiting for her on her porch. April was soon ending and he was wearing his usual blue hoodie, the one that looked comfortable and smelt like him, and that Nina always wanted to steal, only common sense stopping her at the last minute. “Hey?” 

“Hi,” he said excitedly, “I found my mom’s lasagna recipe, wanna make it with me?” 

Nina stared at him. “Ricky, have you ever heard of texting?”

“No, is it like carrier pigeons?” Ricky did not let her bit back another quip, quickly adding, “I knew you would blow me off for studying, but you’re killing yourself trying to cram all this information in your brain, and you can’t refuse me to my face, so come make a lasagna with me instead, nerd.” 

“Is this how you planned to convince me? Bullying me?”

Ricky grinned, “Did it work?” 

Nina felt Dana come behind her, snaking an arm behind her back, smiling at her. She suspected her mom had been eavesdropping on them this entire time. “You guys could make it here, since Ricky came all this way.” Ricky nodded frantically. “Come on, baby, you can’t just study all day.” 

Nina rolled her eyes, pretending to be annoyed when the yes had been burning on her tongue as soon as she saw Ricky’s face. “Fine.” 

They made their way around her kitchen, trying to retrieve all the ingredients as he talked to her about lasagna and his childhood and his mom, praises of the recipe thrown around, tales of excitedly coming into the kitchen to the smell of pasta, of eating it too fast and nursing a comical stomach ache afterwards, of trying to steal more than his portion, of helping his mom make the sauce on his stool, of her giving him instructions he kept messing up and calling him her little chef with a ruffle of hair, of watching his parents dance around the kitchen to an old timey song, so enthralled in each other they almost burnt dinner. Ricky, although definitely more open than before, never really talked about his mom, or when his parents were still together for that matter, and Nina couldn’t help but beam at all the memories he was giving her. It was clear it meant a lot to him, and when he explained how he found his mom’s old recipe book, still stained from all the meals it had prepared, her handwriting looping in her familiar way, Nina felt happy that he had come to her to make this lasagna he obviously loved so much. Not his dad, not Big Red, not any other of his friends. Her.

They had most of the ingredients in her kitchen, except parsil, onions and the meat. Five minutes later, they were rushing to the grocery store in his car, Nina telling him to slow down like she always did, exaggeratedly holding onto her safety belt, and Ricky pressing on the accelerator just to see her squeal. 

They grabbed a cart and slowly made their way around the store, trying to hunt down all the missing ingredients, picking up much more than what they needed as they walked each aisle, getting excited about Pop Tarts and Sunny D and intrigued about pickle flavored chips.

“We’re not buying mint ice cream,” Nina said in the middle of the frozen aisle, arms crossed as Ricky tried to sneak the pint under her nose. 

“Come on, it’s a fine delicacy.” 

Nina scoffed, “It’s really not.” She took a step towards the freezer, standing beside him, looking at the various ice cream selections, holding onto herself a little bit closer as the cold of the opened freezer chilled her bones. “Let’s just take neapolitan.” 

“Strawberry ice cream?” Ricky shrieked. “No fucking way.” 

Nina rolled her eyes, grabbing a lemon sorbet pint, “Lemon is okay?” 

“Lemon is great.” He smiled and she put it in the cart, closing the door behind them.

“Grocery shopping with you feels like arguing a contract with a six years old.”

He ran and jumped on the shopping cart, letting himself roll away. “I don’t see what you’re talking about.”

They decided to throw in a salad when Ricky made an off comment about not eating one in two weeks and Nina got seriously concerned for his health. They spent a long time arguing which salad was better, Ricky shocked to find out Nina loved rocket, and trying to remember which vegetables they had at home. They picked up a tomato and cucumber just in case and Nina swatted his hand away when he tried to grab ranch.

“We’re making the dressing,” Nina explained. “Ranch is gross anyway.”

“First of all, no it’s not. Second of all, I think you’re grossly overestimating our cooking skills.”

“I think you’re grossly overestimating how much work salad dressings are.” She spun away, grabbing his hand and tugging him along before he could try to sneak ranch in.

They checked out and Ricky grabbed the grocery bag before she could, Nina arguing behind his much longer and faster legs that she could have taken it, until they both grabbed one handle each and tried to synchronise their steps.

At home, they started cooking immediately, running around the kitchen in laughter as Nina taught him how to cut onions correctly and she let the meat simmer in the pan. They stained almost every pot she owned and the counter was a mess of spilled ingredients and leftover knives. They nonetheless manage to do the lasagna, baking it as Nina showed Ricky her dressing recipe and he complained about ranch. When they were finally done, it was not very pretty but they made it themselves and they were unbelievably proud. It tasted great and Nina asked him if it was like he remembered, which he answered with a smile, “Better.”

They ate dinner with Nina’s moms, swapping all the embarrassing stories they had of Nina until she had to jump in and change the subject to the fundraiser at Dana’s job. Ricky left with a Tupperware of lasagna and he was still laughing over something Carol said when he told Nina his goodbye, standing on her front porch, thanking her for cooking with him while she thanked him for distracting her from school. As she closed the door behind him, her moms told her they liked Ricky and Nina, not knowing quite what to answer, ran up to her room.

Nina tried to go back to studying, sitting down on her desk and looking at her still opened books. The material felt so far away now and she could almost not believe it had only been a few hours away from her textbooks. She couldn’t even focus on the words, her mind traveling away to the day, remembering the natural way Ricky and her carved into each other’s space, how easy it was to be with him, until the words on the page blurred and she was giddily smiling. She closed her books, dropping on her bed, putting on the playlist Ricky had made for her as she let herself think of him, just this once.


	17. chapter seventeen

Ricky, Gina and Big Red had an annual tradition of going camping the very first weekend of May, when the weather had warmed enough to make sleeping outside a pleasant time, but not quite enough that the campsite was flooded with vacationers. It really was more of a Ricky and Big Red tradition originally, from what Nini had gathered of all the stories (which were difficult to piece together through all the laughs and the half-finished sentences good memories often brought), but Gina had tagged along when she wormed her way into their lives with her high kicks, judgemental side-eyes, quick wits and secret soft side. She had never missed a year ever since.

It was now the turn of the newly wormed into their lives friends to be invited to this highly loved and respected tradition and they were all buzzing with excitement when they started on the tents and cars arrangement. Carlos pulled out a flowered notepad and balanced it on his knee as he made a list of everything (and more) they needed. They were outside for the first time in so long, under the tree Nina loved (and had officially named Cordelia), the sun warming their skin, all bundled up together. They were laughing about nothings, a weird suggestion of camping necessities or a dumb quip someone let out, and Nina was happy.

Nini was placed in Ricky’s car, to no one’s surprise, really, and she bribed him with sour candies to come pick her first so she could shotgun the passenger seat. Big Red and Gina were in the car with them, dropping their bags in the trunk before crashing down on the backseat, a tired smile on their lips. They talked about their excitement for a while, about everything they couldn’t wait to do and see again, about all their favorite memories, soft music in the background. Nina should have felt left out by this clear show of years of friendship, by this intricately sewn together memoir, but Ricky always made sure to turn to her and summarize everything they meant, recounting their crazy tales with humor, and Nina almost forgot she did not know what they were talking about in the first place.

After a while, when the excitement wore off and all was left behind was exhaustion from waking up so early on a Saturday morning, the conversation slowly lulling and the music upped, Gina and Big Red both fell asleep. Ricky and Nina laughed at their faces mushed against a window or a shoulder, thrown around every time they hit a bump. They spent some time listening to music and retelling the dreams they had, which Nina normally hated, but she didn’t quite mind when it was Ricky explaining the strange and fictional events. They stopped at a 7/11 and argued about which snacks to buy in the middle of the alleys, coming back to the car arms full, apologizing to their friends who had somewhat awoken, looked around confused, before decidedly going back to sleep. They played I Spy and Guess Who I’m Thinking Of (it took Ricky fifteen minutes to guess Mr. Clean) and Nina let her hand stick out to feel the wind, flying fingers out the window. The sun was blinding and the sky bright blue. It was a three hours long drive, but it went by like it was a fraction of a second, and Nina was surprised to find out they had already arrived. 

“God, finally, we were in the car for so long I felt my soul die and come back,” Gina said as she jumped out of the car, stretching her limbs. 

Ricky closed his door, cheekily biting back, “You have a soul?” He earned himself a glare. 

EJ, Ashlyn and Kourtney were the first one there, surely because of Ashlyn’s meticulously planned and forcefully followed schedule. EJ was in the middle of trying to set up a tent when they arrived, dropping the metal poles to the ground at their sight. 

“Hi, guys!” He waved his arms exaggeratedly, as if they could not see him from a few feet away, “How was the drive?”

“Good,” Nini answered, walking to the picnic table Kourtney and Ashlyn were perched on, staring at EJ work with amused eyes. She nudged her friends, teasingly saying, “What are we watching?”

“He’s been at it for sixteen minutes.” Not one pole was put in the clips. “We could help him, but at this point we’re just mesmerized by his total lack of surviving skills.”

“Look, I have football, musicals and beauty, but I can’t have everything.”

Kourtney stared at him as he struggled to force a peg in the ground (why he was doing it at all when the tent was not even standing yet was unknown), “You would be the first dead in a zombie apocalypse.”

“Good, I don’t want to be alive during a zombie apocalypse anyway.” With this ensued a long debate about zombies and survival, everyone too invested in it for what it was per usual, as Ricky built the tent by himself. When he was close to done, taking the rain fly from EJ’s hands (who was too busy arguing that a bike was a safer transportation than a car to notice Ricky was building the tent at all), everyone gave him a round of applause. 

“You get extra survival points for being able to set up a tent,” Ashlyn told him, “But minus points for being an absolute disaster of a person.” 

“I feel seen.” 

Carlos and Seb arrived soon after, packed full with groceries and the second tent, and they opened a bag of chips as Big Red and Ricky started installing the new one.

“You know, I would help, but I’m trying to keep my years long tradition of never doing the tent, sorry,” Gina faked an apologetic tone and Ricky threw a stick at her. “I don’t think you want to start this war, Rickster.” 

The two tents were standing proudly and lunch was right around the corner, their bellies grumbling with the hours of being up and awake. Carlos and Seb brought things for sandwiches, and they all started preparing them after bringing out some chips, crackers and cheese from their own grocery bags. Ricky and EJ opened beers and got severly mocked for it, and Kourtney got out her sangria poppers. They were laughing and screaming, nine friends stacked together on a picnic table, the sun and the trees brightening their moods with the joy of being outside on a good day. They could barely have a conversation, all talking over each other, yelling at someone on the other end of the table, but it didn’t really matter anyway. 

When they were done eating and cleaning up the table (Carlos, terrified of bears, completely refusing to hear the years long attendees of this camping that there were no bears in the area, forced them to hide every food in sight), they rushed to get on their swimsuits and jump into the lake. 

Nina brought her favorite burgundy bikini and she asked Kourtney to tie it in the back for her, unable to reach the strings behind her. 

The lake was right around their campsite, a small and sandy trail guiding them to the water, but Ricky and Big Red affirmed they knew a shortcut and led the most adventurous of them straight into the woods, with nothing but determination and trust. Nina watched as their bright towels disappeared in the green of the forest with a smile, then turned out and caught up with her sane friends. 

“How much do you bet they get lost?” Nina asked with a playful grin.

Nina, Kourtney, Carlos and Seb arrived at the lake first (so much for their shortcut) and each installed their towels to bask in the sun. They had groovy music and sunglasses on, strawberries and fruity drinks in the cooler, and peace. When they heard faint screams in the distance, they knew their friends had finally made their way to the lake. Big Red was running off, Ashlyn screaming behind him, EJ roaring with laughter, Ricky and Gina chatting loudly to overcompensate for the sounds all of their friends were making, holding their towels. Nina did not know more chaotic people, and yet it sounded like home. 

“How long were you guys lost?” Carlos asked, not even looking at his friends as they installed themselves, leftover conversations on their tongues, carving their places around the four laying bodies. EJ and Ricky were still standing, towering over them and casting a shadow over their legs.

“We were not lost,” Ashlyn said and she was lying. “Simply on an adventure.”

“You missed out on some crazy flowers,” Big Red added with an excited cheer.

Kourtney shook her head, tilting her head back to look at him from the top of her neon green sunglasses, “Last time you said that, it was dandelions.”

“All flowers are beautiful.”

EJ looked like he was about to physically combust from staying in place too long, so he pushed Ricky, screamed, “Last one in the water is a loser,” and ran. Ricky let out an offended cry, something deep and hurt, and ran after him. He was last nonetheless and (rightfully, for the first time in his life) claimed foul play as all his friends howled ‘shame, shame, shame’ at him. He stood waist deep in the water, looking at them with crossed arms and an overly exaggerated pout, and Nina thought he looked cute. 

They pushed each other around, splashing water at each other and dunking the other, and soon Big Red was running off to the lake too. 

Carlos spun around, warming up his back as he looked at everyone in the slight circle they formed, “Now that it’s just the girls and gays.”

“Literally everyone that went in the lake is gay.”

Carlos ignored Ashlyn’s comment, “Did you guys hear that Miranda Smith is pregnant?” This sentence was enough to throw them in an endless circle of gossip, sipping on their pink drinks and putting sunscreen on each other’s backs. 

“And then, Fernando just ghosted him.”

“No,” Ashlyn cried in disbelief, “Not my boy Fern.”

Carlos tsked, shaking his head, “Can’t trust men.”

As Seb started another tale of scandal, spilling all the information he managed to collect from being friends with every single person he ever met, Ricky ran out of the water, crashing on the towel beside Nina. He shook his hair, spraying her with drops of water, and she shrieked at the cold.

“What are you guys talking about?” Ricky whispered to her as to not disturb the storyteller.

“Gossip,” Nina whispered back, her head leaning towards him just slightly.

He whined, “Aw, man, why do I always miss the gossip?”

“Cause you’re always off somewhere, running around and having near death experiences, or whatever else you do.”

He smirked, “Do I make you worry, babe?”

She gave him a sickly sweet smile. “Bold of you to assume you’re not always almost dying because I’m manifesting it, sugarpie.”

“Manifest harder, please.” Nina rolled her eyes, difficultly battling a grin, which was pointless anyway as he could see right through her. Ricky nudged her slightly, “Come in the water with me.”

She scoffed. “To get viciously attacked by my peers? No thanks.”

“I swear you won’t get attacked.” 

She gave him a deadpanned look. “I’ve seen the war go, Ricky. They're all against you.”

Ricky smirked tauntingly, “Watching me a lot, yeah?” She gave him a straight look, something attempting to be threatening and miserably failing.

“Dangerous to be making more enemies like that.” 

“Danger is my middle name.”

Nina gave him a teasing look, mock on her tongue as she said, “I thought it was Norman.”

“Let’s not talk about it.” Ricky turned towards the rest of the group, already off on a new subject, “Are you guys actually gonna come enjoy the lake or just lay here like losers?” 

Although it debuted on a rough start, Carlos refusing to budge by sheer pettiness, Ricky managed to convince everyone to jump in the water. Soon, they were all standing up and gulping down their drinks, brushing away the sand on their legs, making their way to the lake with cheers from the boys already in. 

The water was cold and Nina almost screamed when it hit her legs. Carlos turned around and tried to run, but his boyfriend was holding his hand with a firm grip, and he was forced to move along. They made their way inch by inch, deliberately ignoring the boys’ comment on how painstakingly slow they were or how going all in in one go was the better way, arms raised in the air and pained expressions on their face. Ashlyn was the first to just drop down in the water, followed closely by Seb, Gina and Kourtney, but Nina and Carlos were too much pussies to even dare.

“I am not wetting my hair,” Carlos exclaimed as they all booed him.

Ricky sneaked towards her, a menacing half-grin on his face, looking like he was plotting something. “Whatever you’re about to do, don’t.” Nina warned, apprehensive. He smirked, continued purposefully walking towards her, and she threw her arms to block him, about to twist around and run as she shrieked, “Ricky-” She didn’t even have time to finish his name that he grabbed her by the waist and fell on his back in the water, dragging her along with him. The water was ice cold, attacking her skin like thousands of little needles, and she screamed.

“I hate you,” Nina spat when she made her way back to the surface.

He laughed like the whole thing was hilarious to him. “I was doing you a servitude, Nini.” Annoyed, she splashed water at him, and he splashed back, and soon they were all in a ferocious water fight, Carlos shrieking every time he got hit.

They swam to the platform in the middle of the water, diving from it, making a bombs contest (Kourtney won). EJ tried starting a belly flop contest that no one but him participated in (his whole front was red for a few hours after it). They ran to the beach to get drinks, taking a few shots of vodka before running back into the surprisingly now warmth of the water. They swam and floated around, enjoying the feel of water. Nina taught Ricky how to do the star, which he more or less succeeded in, and she was still tingling from holding his back as he tried to float. They played chicken fight, Kourtney and Gina a terrifying duo no one dared cross, only rivaled by the sheer feral-ness of EJ and Carlos together (Team Nina and Ashlyn weren’t even in the running, but honestly neither was Ricky and Big Red, so it was slightly comforting). Ashlyn and Seb gracefully left to get them snacks, the alcohol starting to get to their heads and their grumbling bellies from doing so much activity screaming for food. They took it back to the dock, where Carlos and Kourtney had made their home, bathing in the sun, dry as a bone. 

Nina cursed her tiny height as she was forced to keep herself afloat, too small to stand around the dock like everyone else, most of her friends having a step on the ground and teasing her. She soon got tired, and made her way to Ricky before jumping on his back. Without thinking, he hooked his hands behind her legs, and she snaked her arms around his neck. She was pressed against his back, and every time he laughed, she would feel the vibrations resonate in her. 

They stayed in the lake until it was simply too cold, running back to the towels with trembling limbs, deciding they were better off going back to camp and changing into warmer clothes. This time, they all took the sandy trail. 

Nina put on thick black pants and a long-sleeved shirt, lazily tucking it in as she looked around the tent with bored curiosity before her eyes caught Ricky’s blue hoodie, half-shoved in a bag. He had already changed, and had chosen to go out in a simple white T-shirt like the idiot he was, so it really was his own fault when Nina snatched it from the bag and put it on. It was oversized on her, so different from how it fitted on Ricky and yet so familiar. She liked the blue and the warmth, liked how it smelt just like him, and Nina never wanted to take it off again.

Nina stepped out of the tent, zipping it up as her friends worked their way around her, busy with whatever mission they had sent themselves on. EJ and Ricky were starting a fire (more like EJ struggled with building one as Ricky sat back in his purple camping chair and laughed). Big Red, Seb and Ashlyn were cooking a somewhat official dinner at the picnic table, whipping together whatever they could in this electricity-free forest, Gina and Carlos supervising it like the control freaks they were, yet unwilling to give out any manual labor. Kourtney was sitting on her chair with a speaker, blasting her favorite playlist. Nina went and sat beside Ricky on a log, staying clear from the cooking table before she got roped into cutting the vegetables. 

Ricky watched her with narrowed eyes. “That’s my hoodie,” he said, almost amused, maybe even a little surprised.

“Is it?” Nina acted innocent, picking up the blue hoodie and staring at it. “That’s crazy.”

“You’re not taking it off, are you?”

She gave him a devilish smile. “No. It’s cute that you asked, though.”

“Well, at least you look good in it.” Nina blushed, and quickly turned towards the fire ring to hide. She really wished there were flames to blame the red of her cheeks on.

“How’s the fire-making going?” She asked to change the subject, following EJ with her eyes as he came back with more wood. 

Ricky laughed, shaking his head, “EJ is clueless. I’m starting to think he doesn’t know how to use a lighter.”

“And you’re not helping?”

He gave her a teasing smile, something playful and boyish, “What’s the fun in that?” He laid back on his chair, watching her with an easy smile, and Nina suddenly felt hyperconscious from the look on his eyes. “What’s your top five words?”

“My… Top five words?”

“I said what I said.” 

She let out a puff of air, pursing her lips as she really thought about the question, “I like the word thrift. I think the way it's fun to say.” Ricky nodded, nudging her to go on. “Dawn is a pretty word too? Petrichor is beautiful. And the vibe it gives off… I like iridescent. Effervescence, too. Very Twilight vibes. You know how I love that.”

“Interesting…” Ricky said, thoughtful. Nina couldn’t help thinking it really wasn’t. “Good choice of words.”

“Really? Is there any science behind it? Any reason you would want to know?”

“No.”

She chuckled. “Alright. What’s your top five words then?”

“Well, first of all, vibe, because-” He had no time to finish before Carlos busted behind him, his hands on his hips, a stern look on his face, “Where’s the fire?” He looked around as if it was not very obvious there was none. “You guys started on the fire thirty minutes ago and yet I’m still the hottest thing here.”

Ricky gave him a cheeky smile, “Not even a fire could beat you, Carlos.”

He narrowed his eyes. “Flattery won’t get you anywhere, Bowen.”

Ricky gestured defensively towards EJ building some sort of pyramid with the wood he had accumulated, “EJ is doing it!”

“Ricky, you know that boy doesn’t have one surviving skill. Go help him, we need to start with the barbecue.”

Ricky stood up slowly, scrunching beside EJ, cleaning up the fire ring and destroying his artwork. “I’m just a little confused with how to do this…” EJ said, showing off two rocks.

Ricky did the fire and he even let Nina light it, giving her the perfect opportunity to claim all the fire making recognition, telling everyone she had started the fire herself as they congratulated her and Ricky let out an offended cry. None of them knew how to grill anything, so they all took turns trying to cook the sausages, hamburgers, bread and vegetables. Gina had the best technique, but there wasn't much competition against their either burnt or undercooked food, and she was declared the Grill Master (title she hated, especially when Ashlyn made her a Kiss The Chef apron out of paper towel and black sharpie). 

They ate their food around the fire, chatting as the sun lost its last rays and welcomed the dark, starry night. The chilly night air made Nina hug her (Ricky’s) hoodie closer to her body, snuggling into the seas of fabric, and watch with a teasing smile as Ricky shivered. Seb got pity on him, and passed him one of his pink Juicy Couture jackets. They talked about musicals and Gina’s mom and annoying teachers and whatever else sprung up in their minds until late in the night. Ricky got his guitar and they sang a few songs.

They got out the marshmallows and EJ’s numerous sticks were put to good use. Ricky was reckless and impatient, burning every single one of his marshmallows to a deep black, and Gina just impatient, not even bothering to roast the marshmallows as she plopped one after the other in her mouth. Ashlyn and Kourtney were undeniably the best roasters, and they all begged them to make them some. There was something youthful and exciting about roasting marshmallows, and Nina loved the slow waiting over the embers, the testing and watching, the sweet taste and melting insides, the leftover goo sticking to the stick in a comical and slightly unsanitary fashion. Nina had brought all the things for smores, and they finished her provisions in a record time, devouring the chocolate and graham delicacy.

They told each other horror stories to the light of the fire (although EJ had used a flashlight to the underside of his face once, to no scary success, but comical ovation). Tales of ghosts, serial killers on the loose, murderous children, terrified hitchhikers, alone teens in forests all passed, and Big Red and Seb jumped in fear at every single one. Seb hid himself in Carlos’ neck, his whole body glued to his side as if he was a magical shield. Nina was slightly scared, her heart beating rapidly at a particularly bloodchilling story, and imagined herself just for a second getting so terrified she was simply forced to snuggle to Ricky’s side for safety. It was a ridiculous idea, and she quickly brushed aside the vision of faking it that had wormed its way in her brain. Ricky had his arms full, anyway, with Big Red gripping his hand. 

They told each other fun childhood memories to lighten the mood, Ricky not hesitating to reveal all the embarrassing knowledge he had found about Nina during their dinner with her moms, and Nina begging Big Red to retaliate with embarrassing Ricky memories too (he told a particularly funny story about Ricky eating paint). Finally, late in the night or perhaps early in the morning, when their eyes were barely capable of keeping open, and the conversation had lulled to a comfortable silence, their brain too dead to make full sentences, they decided to go to sleep, and they all went to their respective tent where their sleeping bag awaited them. 

Nina laid there, on her sleeping bag, wide awake. She did not understand why, so shortly ago she had been ready to be welcomed by the mist of sleep, already half comatose. And yet, she laid there, in her Hello Kitty pyjama pants and Ricky’s hoodie, eyes wide open, listening to the sound of the wind calmly brushing on the tent. She felt like she was there forever, trying to not make any sound, listening to her friends’ breathing. When she felt her body become restless, unable to stay frozen in time for one second more or she would go out of her mind, she unzipped her sleeping bag and stepped out of the tent, trying as hard as she could not to step on Seb or Carlos.

She stood outside of the tent, staring around at the trees and the night, before grabbing a flashlight and walking on the sandy trail. The chances of her dying were high, but she made her way to the lake with no hiccups, sitting down on the small beach. The moon was illuminating the lake, droplets of diamonds reflecting on the water, and Nina stared in wonder. 

“Oh, good, you weren’t eaten by a bear.” 

Nina whipped her head, shocked to hear she was not alone, but not so surprised to recognize Ricky. “I thought there were no bears in the area.”

“Carlos makes some convincing argument.” He sat down beside her, pulling over her legs his purple sleeping bag he had dragged all the way over here. “What are you doing here?”

“I couldn’t sleep,” she shrugged, before pulling the covers further up on her body. “What about you?”

“I saw you leave.”

Nina smirked teasingly, giving him a playful look, “And you decided to follow me? You really are obsessed with me.”

“Being your stalker is a day and night job,” Ricky joked back. 

He laid down on the sand, resting his head on his hand, and Nina followed down beside him. There, laying on the ground side by side, sharing a blanket, seeing all the flecks of light in the sky, it felt like their stargazing hangout all the way back in December. It was crazy to think it was just a few months ago. They felt like totally new people.

“Cassiopeia is my favorite constellation,” Nina said with a smile, staring at the W in the sky. “I want to name my kid that. Isn’t it a beautiful name?” She didn’t even let him time to answer, not looking at him as she continued her rant. “Although, it’s not that good of a legacy to give them. The whole shallow and mean queen, sacrificing her daughter to Poseidon, getting tied to a chair in the sky and forced to spend half the year upside down as a punishment thing. I guess they’d have the very beautiful thing going for them, though.”

“You researched constellations.” Ricky breathed out, almost in wonder, and Nina turned to look at him for the very first time. He was as beautiful as he always was, but the look on his face, so intense, so amazed, so enthralled, made him one of the most exquisite things she had ever seen, and she took some time to grave in the crevices of her brain this exact moment.

“Yeah.” The word came out like a whisper, so innocent and unimportant, and yet it felt like thousands of secrets were coming out of her mouth. 

“Why?” He said it like he already knew the answer.

Nina felt something panic deep inside of her, and she could not figure out quite why. “Stars are neat,” she said, a nervous tremble to it. It was enough to make Ricky chuckle, shaking his head slightly as he broke eye contact to look up at the night sky. 

“Yeah.”

They stayed there for a moment, staring at the stars, picking up the drawings hidden in them, mostly silent except for the occasional pointing to a particularly subtle constellation. The sound of the waves, of the wind brushing the leaves, of distant birds making their last call tickled their ears. Nina felt relaxed, at peace, and she thought she could stay in this moment forever. 

“You know,” Ricky started, and Nina turned to look at him, watching his side profile as he spoke, “I think I’m kind of afraid of leaving Salt Lake City.” The words surprised Nina. “Like, I can’t wait. I’ve been wanting to leave for years now, and I’m so tired of this town, and New York seems so fun, but…” The words trailed and he seemed at a lost for words. “I’m still terrified. I don’t know.” 

“It’s all we’ve ever known,” Nina finished for him, and he turned to her.

“Exactly,” he looked so vulnerable. “What if life isn’t as great once I’m out? What then? What do I do?”

She thought long and hard about his questions, trying to find the right words to explain what she wanted to say. “I don’t think life will change much. Circumstances, events, cities, things, none of that can make you happy. If you want things to be different, then you have to be the one to change.”

“I guess that’s wise.” He breathed, reflecting on her words. “It’s hard, though. I wish I could just move out and have all my problems disappear.”

“If you start confronting your problems, maybe they’ll go away.”

“Well.” Ricky gave her a straight lined smile, and she couldn’t help but laugh. He let her come down from her burst of giggles, watching her with a fascinated smile, before nudging her. "Enough boring you with my same old problems. What are _you_ afraid of?”

“Other than my crushing fear of not being perfect and failure?” Nina retorted humourously, before pondering on the question. She felt like she was afraid of lots of things, perhaps too much, but she found an easy answer nonetheless. “I guess I’m kind of afraid of sex.” Nina never really talked about it and there was some kind of relief at voicing the words out loud. “I don’t know. It’s not like I don’t want it or I’m not interested, I do, but I’m still so stressed about it? Maybe it’s just because I’m afraid of being bad or intimacy or whatever but it’s just… In movies and shows, people are always not ready, and then magically they are, all of sudden. How do I know if I’m ready? I think I’m ready. And yet I’m still so scared, so what does it mean? How do I even know?”

“I think it’s scary for everyone,” Ricky shrugged. “But it’s not… paralyzingly scary. I think you know when it’s just nerves and when you don’t want to do it. Which might not be the answer you want, because ‘you’ll know’ isn’t very clear, but it’s the truth.”

“I guess…” Nina trailed. She was close to letting the conversation die on her tongue, before turning his way, adding, “Did you know when you were ready?”

Ricky nodded, “Yeah, of course. I wouldn’t have done anything if I didn’t know for sure.”

“How did it feel?” Nina pressed.

He thought about it. “I guess… Like I was comfortable? Like, I was just really okay with whatever was about to happen.” Nina nodded, taking notes of it in her mind. “But, you know, it’s okay to not be ready. There’s no timer, or whatever. You’re not late. And it’s okay if you are ready, too.”

Nina snorted, “Basically, it’s all okay?”

“Yes. As long as it’s what you want, it’s all okay.”

Nina and Ricky went back to the stars, staring up in silence. She wondered how late it was, how long they had been there, how long they were going to stay.

“Have you ever played the Writing Game?” Ricky shook his head. “One of us writes on the other skin while the other closes their eyes, and then they have to guess what the word is from how it feels.” 

Nina took Ricky’s arm and laid it on her stomach, his inner arm facing the sky, and she traced the letters of the word cromulent on his skin. He giggled everytime her touch was particularly airy, claiming it tickled, and she smirked before making it even lighter, watching him squirm. 

It took Ricky fifteen minutes to guess the word. “I barely even know what cromulent means, Nini. This is cheating.”

“Maybe you should up your vocabulary then,” she snuffed, and he rolled his eyes before taking her arm too, writing letters on the inside of it. It took her much less time to guess the word cookies.

They stayed there, writing on each other’s arms, silent except for hushed letters, and when they got too tired for words, Nina drew absentminded patterns on his skin, circles and lines and abstract art, until her eyes felt heavy. She let her eyes drift shut as her fingers hitched their way to Ricky’s hand, playing with his fingers distractedly. When she was close to sleep, cradled to the edges of dream by the waves and the wind and Ricky, she turned to her side, bringing Ricky with her by their still shared hands. He snaked his arm against her midriff, tugged her closer to him, his head snuggling in the back of her neck. Nina held his arm to her tighter, nestling herself in the curl of Ricky’s body, and finally, she fell asleep.

They woke up early in the morning, when the sun was too bright to ignore and the sounds of the world too loud to block out. They had had barely any sleep, four hours at most, and they sat up with tired and confused eyes, feeling dizzy and exhausted. 

“I can’t believe we fell asleep outside,” Nina said, her voice hoarse from the leftovers of sleep.

“Well, sleeping under the stars was always something I wanted to do, so I guess I can cross that off.”

“What else is on your bucket list?”

“Get murdered and become a cold case and have women speculate on my death on a podcast.”

“Ooh, which podcast?” Nina said excitedly.

“I love that you just ignore the murdered part.”

“It’s because I will be doing the murdering part, obviously.” 

Ricky scoffed, “Must think highly of yourself to think you’d get away with it.”

Nina gave him a boasting smile, “I have it all planned already.”

“Excited.”

They stood up, stretching their limbs, groaning at the pained feeling that ran up their back. They randomly bunched up the sleeping bag, more of a lump than anything, and walked back to the camp. Their friends were still sleeping by the time they arrived, and they started on coffee as they waited for them to wake up. Nina was never a fan of the taste, but she drowned it out with sugar just to get the energy boost she needed. 

Their friends awoke one after the other, peaceful and smiling, looking at ease. “Already up?” Seb asked, the first one up. 

“The grind never stops,” Ricky answered. 

Nina snarled, “Shut up.”

Carlos was the very last awake, claiming he needed his beauty sleep, and he snatched the coffee mug from his boyfriend’s hand as he sat down around his table, hair fluffed every which way.

“Where did you guys go last night? I heard you leave the tent.” Carlos prompted, obnoxiously curious like he always was. Although there was no reason to, Nina blushed, looking down at her croissant as she bit down on it. 

Ricky seemed as caught off guard, and they stayed silent just for a second too long, everyone now free to jump in. “You did?” Gina asked suspiciously. “When?”

“How did I not hear you leave…” EJ wondered, almost to himself, like it was a personal failure.

Kourtney was quick to add on. “I bet they got lost and were too ashamed to call one of us.”

“To be fair, if they decide to go in the forest in the middle of the night by themselves, it’s their fault for being idiots. I’m not starting a search party for buffoonery.” Gina answered.

“Heartwarming to see you care so much,” Big Red retorted sarcastically.

Seb grinned wide as he threw an arm over Gina’s shoulder and tugged her to him, “Aw, she’s all talk, but she’s actually a big softie and we all know it.”

“You will be sued for defamation.”

“Try me baby I know the law.”

“Was the forest fun?” Ashlyn asked, taking a sip of her coffee, sounding genuinely interested, and Nina cursed her for bringing the subject back to them.

“Why didn’t you invite me?” Big Red pouted. “I would have loved to get lost with you. I was a scout for two months, you know. You never forget the skills you learn there.”

“Yeah, what were you guys doing, all alone outside in the middle of the night?” Gina smirked, crossing her arms teasingly, and Nina kind of wished for her sudden death. Unfortunately, no lightening seemed to strike her from the sky, and they all turned to them with watchful eyes, like they had just realized the implications of it all.

“We just went to the lake,” Ricky answered nonchalantly, and Nina thanked him in her mind, not sure she could trust herself to talk first.

She nodded, throwing in a casual smile, “We couldn’t sleep so we just went to talk where we wouldn’t bother anyone.”

Seb grinned, stealing back his coffee. “Well that was very considerate of you.” 

Nina could feel the suspicious, narrowed eyes of Carlos and Gina on her, but the rest of the gang quickly changed subject to Taylor Swift, and Nina decidedly ignored their stares as she threw herself in the conversation.

For the rest of the day, they chilled around the campsite, trying to cook at the heat of the fire some toast and the leftovers sausages, reading in an uncomfortable camping chair, taking long walks in the forest and coming back with tons of mushroom, throwing away the mushrooms Big Red picked, going to the lake and sunbathing, taking a quick dive in the water, singing around the fire ring, laughing and grinning and being so unbelievably happy. 

They packed the cars’ trunks at around five in the afternoon, bidding each other an heartfelt goodbye, with way too long hugs, as if they were not going to see each other the very next day. They got into their respective car and drove away from the campsite and the weekend. 

“How did you like it?” Ricky asked.

Nina smiled, already filled with warmth at the very memory of the weekend, “I loved it.”

They all sang ridiculous songs at the top of their lungs, only putting on Boyfriend by Justin Bieber because Big Red requested it, and honked everytime they passed their friends’ cars, screaming as they rolled down their windows. Ricky and Nina declared to each other every horse they saw, and played a tranquil game of Would You Rather when their friends fell asleep in the backseat. They stopped at a 7/11 and did a Monster taste test, fervently disagreeing on if the orange or the blue was better. Ricky dropped off Big Red first, then Gina, and then made his way East to Nina’s house. 

He got to her house at around eight and helped her get her bags out of his car (as if she really needed help). “Well, I’ll see you tomorrow.” Ricky said, almost shy.

“Yeah,” she grinned, putting an handle over her shoulder, “Good night.”

“Are you… actually going to sleep at this hour?”

Nina looked around. “Um… Of course not…”

Ricky chuckled, “Ok, geriatric. Goodnight.”

Nina smiled, then entered the house. Ricky only got back in his car when the door closed behind her, both of them forgetting she still had his blue hoodie on.


	18. chapter eighteen

Ricky and Nina’s forced hangouts came to an end in the middle of May. Show day would be the very next week, and after that they had no reason to see each other twice a month like clockwork, and it kind of terrified Nina. It was not like their hangouts mattered that much anymore. They saw each other way more than once every two weeks, had become such intricately close friends they almost didn’t remember the time they weren’t, always talked about the future like the other was undeniably in it. And yet, there was something paralyzingly horrifying at the idea of not having this security net, of not sending selfies to Miss Jenn and Zach, of not running lines and having rehearsals, of not spending all their time together because they kind of had to. Nina didn’t quite know what she would do if Ricky fell out of her life, if he was gone as quickly as he had entered, if he was only a blip in time. She didn’t think she could handle it.

For their very last hangout, they had decided to write a song together, remembering the time around Christmas they had promised to do so. Now seemed like the perfect time, before the play and exams and the anxiety of college would take over their lives, leaving no time for soft ballads. They had low expectations for the day, more wanting to have fun and spend time together than to come out with any groundbreaking song, content if all they managed to do was string a couple of chords together. 

Although Nina loved music with a full heart, she entered Ricky’s house with a weight to her step, gloomy and sad, feeling like she was saying goodbye to something. He did not seem to pick up on it, greeting her with an upbeat attitude, swinging her to the kitchen to grab some snacks and his backyard where the new fairy lights she had recommended were hanging and his room to show off the brand new poster he had bought, before finally walking her to the music room. 

The room felt intimate, smaller in size, filled with various instruments, poorly light. There was a tiny window, not big enough to do much, and a groovy lamp, evidently more there for the vibe than any practical function. Ricky went into the room and sat on the piano bench, opening the fallboard as Nina made her way around with curiosity. She looked at his guitars, at the ukelele, at the one flute, at the haphazardly put together music sheets, Ricky watching her with amused eyes as she examined each of them. 

“I still can’t believe you have a music room,” Nina said, her stare sweeping the place again, almost in wonder. “Do you play all the instruments here?”

“Most of them,” Ricky shrugged. “Or at least I tried. My parents went a little crazy when they found out I had a slight interest in music and decided to cultivate the shit out of it. The number of lessons I went to from age 5 to 11…” 

“How’s your violon game?” Nina pointed to the instrument, throwing him a teasing look. 

Ricky laughed, shaking his head. “Atrocious.” Finally, Nina sat down on the velvet armchair in the corner, laying back on it as she waited for him to start. “So, how do you wanna do this? What do you wanna write about?” Nina pursed her lips as she thought about it. She hadn’t came into the day with any planned idea, not even a vibe or a melody, and she was at a loss for words put like that on the spot. “Any feelings you wanna get out?” Ricky pressed.

“Not really…” Nina trailed, almost embarrassed. “What about you?” She purposefully deflected.

Ricky gave a pensive look, twitching his lips slightly as he thought, and finally said, “I can’t think of any.”

“Well.” They stayed silent, their brains racking for ideas, an air of awkwardness slowly building up and invading the room the longer it took them to get a word out. They had come all the way here, had waited months to write music together, and nothing was coming out of their mouths. This was the last definite day they were going to spend together and they could barely talk to each other.

Finally, Nina brushed away the icky feelings crawling up her spine, rejecting all the fears in her head. Ricky and her were anything but awkward, and if there was one thing they could do, it was talk to each other. She stood up and sat beside him, straddling the piano bench as she gave him an easy grin. “Talk to me about love.”

“Um…” Ricky looked around, shy and sheepish, the words obviously not breaking the air of discomfort. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t know,” Nina shrugged, “Love. What’s your past experiences? How did it feel? How do you remember it?” Ricky stared at her, almost gaping, not letting a word out. Nina sighed, “Fine, I’ll go first.” 

She let herself think about love, but she did not need much to jog her memories. Nina had always been a little bit in love with love, and she was in the business of overthinking, so she often laid in bed and thought about her feelings, about her interactions with people, daydreaming of soft kisses and gentle touch. She liked to overanalyze herself and pick apart her emotions until they lost any trace of its magic, and then think about how everything used to feel like for hours.

“My first ever crush was this girl, Cassie, when I was six years old. She lived across the street and I thought she was the cutest. She had like these pigtails with tiny pink pom poms? It was adorable. She moved out when I was seven and it was the most tragic event of my short and innocent life.” She grasped her note necklace, absentmindedly playing with it. Nina was smiling at the memories, something a little crooked, a roughness especially good and warm memories brought. She liked her feelings when she was so tiny and knew so little the best. 

Ricky was grinning at her, enthralled in her childhood memories, and he had this softened look in his eyes. “That’s so adorable. My first crush was Minnie Mouse.”

Nina stared at him. “I can’t believe after all these months of friendship you just came out as a furry.”

Ricky let out a cry, losing his smile, defensively retorting, “I’m not a furry!” 

“The fact that you even have to precise it…” He rolled his eyes and she sticked her tongue at him. 

Ricky nudged her with his shoulder, his excited smile already back on his face. “Tell me another one.”

Nini thought about it for a second, seeing the catalogue of crushes and honey feelings hurtle in front of her eyes, a flourish of love and hearts. “When I was nine, I liked this girl that sat in front of me in class. She always had Sour Patch Kids and fruit juice and she would never share. I’m pretty sure she used to bite and hiss at people but she was the most beautiful girl to me. She never wanted to talk to me but I was a love stricken loser so I kept trying and then one day she punched me in the face. I kissed her under the slides a month later so the gays won in the end.”

“I feel like you really glazed over the punching thing.”

“I was bothering her,” Nina shrugged nonchalantly. Her face then turned into a smug smirk, a bit too wide to not be a joke, “But my charm got her in the end.”

“Charm? What did you really do? Bribe her?”

“Hey, I'm a catch,” Nina cried, an offended pout forming itself on her lips. “And she kissed me to get back at Caleb Trent, if you must know.”

He snorted. “Called it.”

“Still, out of everyone on the playground that day, she picked me. True love, one might even say.”

“Surely,” Ricky nodded teasingly, a little too cheeky, and Nini pushed his shoulder away. “How did this tragic love story end?”

“Well,” Nina looked away awkwardly. “She never talked to me again.” Ricky burst in laughters, something loud and poorly contained, and Nina threw him a glare. He hid behind his hand, a terrible effort of covering his still grinning mouth. “Let’s hear your love stories, then.” Nina bit back, defiance in her tone. “Other than Valentine’s Day Girl, obviously.” Nina saw the clear flash of memories before his eyes, his whole world burning around him as he was forced to remember the singing students asking out the girl he liked who was very much taken. She smirked with a special kind of wicked.

“Do not force me to bring back Carlos’ brother and the basement,” Ricky said, a warning tone, and Nina gave him a death stare. 

“You just did,” she said with narrowed eyes. She had to admit, they were equal forces, holding the same amount of embarrassing ammunition. 

“Guess I did,” Ricky said cheekily, a bit too proud, before sighing dramatically, looking straight ahead like he was about to start a tragic tale. “My very first human crush,” Nina scrunched her nose in disgust (she was never gonna let him live this down), “was this girl named Deborah. She smelt like mangoes every day, which was impressive because we were eight and rolled around in the mud daily. She ate a worm once.” Nina opened her mouth, but Ricky was quick to go on. “I sat beside her in the courtyard once and said I wanted to count all the freckles on her face, which now that I think about it was a great pickup line. She let me and I spent like three full minutes looking at her face, which in eight years old time was basically three hours. She asked me how many freckles she had and I said I got distracted because she was too pretty. Again, great pickup line. I had so much game back then. We held hands the rest of the recess and I think she was my unofficial girlfriend for three weeks before the holiday break happened and then we were separated by the bigger problem of time.”

“Wow,” Nina smiled, playful. “Tragic.”

Ricky looked down, sorrowful, “I know.”

Nina looked in the distance with a sort of nostalgic smile, something a little happy, a little melancholic. Childhood tended to make her feel this way, especially memories like these, undeniably happy and fun. “It was adorably sweet and innocent back then, wasn’t it?” She got up from her seat and swung her leg over the bench, sitting straight. 

“What?”

“Love,” Nina started, but then wasn’t even sure it was completely right. Love felt a little too big, a little too meaningful, a little too strong for how things felt back then. “Feelings. I guess there’s something naive about it, before puberty and hormones fucked it all up.”

“I think teenage love feels tainted because it’s so momentary.” Nina frowned, and urged him to go on with a look. Ricky took a breath, staring at the wall, and he looked like he was about to give a speech. “It’s like, no matter how strongly you feel for someone, there’s always this realistic sense that you’re not gonna end up together, that you’re so young and there’s so much time, so many people to meet. That it’s so intense and raw because it’s new, but it’s gonna get old eventually. No matter how intense it feels, it’s a second in time.”

“I had never thought of it that way,” Nina whispered, looking down at the piano. She let herself linger on the idea for a second, then decidedly said, “It’s a terrible way to think of it.” Ricky chuckled.

“Think of everyone our age that’s in a relationship. Can you really imagine them at 50 together? Do you think they will pass time and hardships and obstacles when they’ve met before they knew anything about the world?”

Nina stared, a slight furrow in between her brows. Still, she didn’t let go. “I think Seb and Carlos could. It feels like they’re gonna be together forever.”

“Maybe they will,” Ricky conceded. “And that’s amazing for them, that they get to spend the rest of their lives with their person. But most teens breakup after three months. I have friends who talked to me about how much they loved someone, all they wanted to do in the future together, how crazy and wild it all felt. And then they broke up six months later in the most intense and earth shattering heartbreak. I don’t think their feelings were untrue, I think it’s just the sad reality of teenage love.”

“You sound like a boomer.” 

“Why must you insult me this way, Nini?” 

Nina let her fingers graze over the keys. “Have you ever been in love?”

“I don’t think so.” Ricky was unfairly nonchalant, like he didn’t analyze every single one of his feelings all the time, like he didn’t stay awake for hours trying to figure himself out until it was even more confusing than before. Nina was slightly envious. 

“Me neither,” Nina whispered, pressing her finger down on a single key, letting the sound resonate around the room and not bothering to follow it up. “How do you think it feels?”

“A little tragic, a little hopeful.” Ricky said with a pensive look. He seemed to have it all figured out, and Nina wondered if maybe he did think about love and feelings late at night. “Like you kind of know you won’t stay together forever, but you love them so much, you can’t help thinking that you will be different.” He looked at her and decidedly said, “Unreasonable.” It was harsh. Nina wondered when love started to feel like a burden for Ricky, and then she thought of his mom, of his parents fighting, of the coldness a messy house would bring to an impressionable child. She felt her heart broke for the Ricky who learned love was unreasonable.

“You have a very painful vision of love.”

“People leave all the time.” Ricky whispered, but there was something more in his voice, something full of memories and pain. Nina did not press. “I’m just realistic.”

Nina didn’t think it was true. She thought love was warm, like sunny days in the summer, and refreshing like jumping in the pool during the most heated days. It tasted sweet and candied, leaving a dreamy aftertaste in your mouth, leaving you begging for more. It was soft and tender, vulnerable in the scariest of ways. It was holding hands when one was crying, not leaving when one was pushing, fighting when things felt impossible. It was ups and downs and the adrenaline rush the rollercoaster brought. She thought love was good and she didn’t think it was an unrealistic version of it just because it wasn’t terribly sad.

Nina bit her lip, keeping in everything she wanted to say. She couldn’t help thinking their different views of love came from the way they were raised, Ricky with screaming matches and Nina with rose colored glasses. Perhaps none of them were right, or maybe they both were. Maybe love came in all forms, tragic and good, unreasonable and warm. She pressed her fingers on the keys, soft and gentle, and sang, “ _My heart is telling me we’re gonna be the exception._ ” She turned to look at Ricky, unsaid things exchanged in the quiet, and they started writing. 

It was late in the night when they finished their song, brandished The Exception in an almost afterthought. Ricky was playing the piano, delicately touching the keys like someone who had gotten years of piano practice, something Nina would need a few more years to ever compare. They sat shoulder to shoulder, and every time Ricky would move his hands, his arm would brush against Nina’s. She was deliberately fixing her eyes on his gracefully moving hands.

 _Your hand on my leg under the oil painted sky_  
_Wind blowing through our hair on the 405_  
_And traffic’s at a standstill, it’s LA, what’d you expect?_

Their voices matched in the most angelic of ways, just like they did every time they ran the play. It was familiar and unknown in the scariest of ways. They knew how to sing together when they were Heathers and Veronica, but not when they were Ricky and Nina, not when there were no shields or armours between them. It was new and exhilarating.

_We’re listening to Zeppelin, you’re kissing my neck  
You cradle me in your arms in the dark in the back  
We’re looking at the stars and the moon’s lit Cheshire cat_

__

Nina slowly looked up to Ricky, finding his eyes already looking at her. He had this intense look, something she saw so rarely on him, and she did not know what to do with herself. 

_And your parents can probably see you from the window  
They’ll say they’re just kids, oh what the hell do they know_

__

Nina had forgotten how beautiful Ricky’s eyes were and it came back to her like a rush. They were warm and sincere, looking at her with a vulnerability she wasn’t used to. She never wanted him to look away, wanted to grab his cheeks and force him to stare at her for eternity, to stay with her forever.

__

_Scared, I love you so much I’m scared_

____

Ricky’s voice faltered just slightly and he sounded almost emotional.

____

_Cause they say young love’s a loss or it’s a lesson_

_____ _

They did not break eyecontact, but it felt like they were getting closer and closer, drawn together like magnets.

_____ _

_Here, I always wanna be here_

______ _ _

Nina did not know if it was exterior forces pushing them together, shortening the distance between them into almost nothings, or simply them.

______ _ _

_My heart is telling me we’re gonna be the exception_

_______ _ _ _

Nina and Ricky stopped singing, the last note ringing in the air, staring at each other. She saw his eyes drop to her lips. For a second, the world was full of possibilities, and Nina and Ricky were closer than they have ever been. They leaned it, just slightly, the world slowing down around them, holding its breath to see, and a wave of rush overtook Nina. The front door closed loudly, Mike yelled to no one in particular that he was home, and they jumped apart. 

_______ _ _ _

Nina felt her heart beating out of her chest and her cheeks blush. She stood up abruptly. “I should go.” She was gone before Ricky could say anything.

_______ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the song is The Exception by Olivia Rodrigo! here’s the link if you want to listen: https://www.instagram.com/p/B5B5beOhObZ/  
> the updates might slow down a bit because I started school again


	19. chapter nineteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when i said chapters would take more time to come i did Not mean two months and yet.. here we are....

Nina woke up bright and early on May Twenty-first with a restless energy deep in her stomach. Really, she had barely slept that night, so waking up was a loose term for her rapid bolt out of bed. She ran into the bathroom, hopping in the shower, before sprinting down the stairs to the kitchen. Nina was an unstoppable force, speed and stress incarnate, and she raced throughout the house like a headless chicken. She grabbed a banana per her moms’ request and they drove her to school, calming energy in the frontseats, Nina in the backseat, a hurricane of thoughts.

Nina thanked her mothers absentmindedly as they wished her good luck, running out of the car and into the loving embrace of her friends. Their energies were more or less like hers, something anxious and excited, and their agitation grew with the passing hours.

The day was spent in waiting, the minutes going excruciatingly slow and yet so terribly fast, and Nina wondered how she was supposed to concentrate when the most lifechanging night of her life was right around her corner. She paid no attention to her class, doodling in her notebooks and writing down lyrics, counting beats and minutes in her head. Similarly, lunch was spent in incomprehensible shoutings, all of her friends speaking over each other without really listening, too busy focusing on their own pit in their stomach. 

When the end of the day finally came, Nina was sure she would die if she had had to wait one more second, and her body loosened with relief, then tightened with fear.

It’s show time.

Nina walked in the theater and dropped beside Kourtney, laying her head on her shoulder as her friends talked. Kourtney absentmindedly ran a hand on hers, a reassuring habit, and Nina smiled. All the students were nervously chatting. Nina’s friends had claimed a corner of the auditorium, all scrambled up together in a clump of anxiety. 

“I almost can’t believe it’s finally here,” Seb whispered, twisting around to his friends behind and leaning in as if it was a juicy gossip. “What if it’s anticlimactic?” He whispered-yelled. 

“Come on, don’t think that way.” Ashlyn patted his shoulder reassuringly. “You’ll jinx us.”

“Oh God, this is terrifying,” Big Red blurted, holding his stomach. He looked pale and sickly, like he was about to throw up any minute. Nina was a little glad she was far away from him. 

Gina gave him a side eye, something soft and slightly exasperated. “It’ll be fine, I swear. It’s scarier because it’s your first time, but believe me there’s nothing to worry about.” Gina liked to pretend that she wasn’t affected, that she was above it all, like all her years of practice had numbed her to the stress, but they could all see through her fidgety hands and sleepless legs.

“I got you a barf bag,” Ricky said as he jumped over the seats, dropping beside his friend and extending him the brown bag. “Not that I think you’ll need it or anything, but, you know. You can never be too sure.” Big Red took it from his hands.

Before anyone could add anything, Miss Jenn walked in with a flourish, Zach following her with hands in his pockets, much more casual. “Hello, kids!” Miss Jenn exclaimed brightly, her smile reaching the sky. She spewed out a long and dragged out speech, with many metaphors and dramatic pauses. “And when the colomb left the nest, the little girl cried because she knew she would never see him again.” She looked down, letting a wave of emotion overflow her. The students gave her a confused and lukewarm applause, looking around at each other, unsure of what they had just experienced.

“Thank you, Miss Jenn,” Zach nodded, patting her back, before looking up at the students. “Everyone in hair and makeup.”

The whole room spurred into action, getting out of their seats and sprinting backstage. Nina sat on her chair in between Gina and Ricky, opening her makeup bag and getting out her foundation. Although Nina would have liked Kourtney to do her makeup, to feel the comforting presence of her best friend, Veronica’s look was lowkey and casual and her friend’s talents were needed elsewhere. Nina let herself watch her surroundings for a second. Gina, Ashlyn and Seb were applying their base makeup, joking together. Kourtney was crouching in front of Daniella Voss, a concentrated look on her face as she tried to age the beautiful girl up to Ms. Fleming. Carlos was overseeing the students with a suspicious eye, before coming to EJ’s desperate rescue with a sigh and a roll of his eyes, taking the pencil away from EJ’s hand before he poked his eye with it. A nostalgic half-smile wormed its way on her face. Nina was gonna miss this. She was gonna miss them.

“How much foundation is too much?” Ricky said beside her, and Nina spun to her left. As she inspected his face covered in beige dots, her heart warmed, just slightly, and she was glad she was gonna bring him with her in her new life. Nina didn’t know what she would do if she missed him too. 

“That is too much.”

“I knew it,” Ricky cursed, picking up a tissue to wipe his face. “I thought I could trust my gut instincts, but in what world have I ever been right?”

“That one time you bet you said it was gonna rain and it _did_.” Ricky grinned and Nina wanted to see it forever. Instead, she turned her head to the mirror, staring at her flushing cheeks straight on as she grabbed her own foundation and a pink beautyblender. 

Kourtney joined them, getting out her eyeshadow palette and gesturing to Gina to turn over. She applied the dark red to her eyelids, working on the bold and flashy makeup she had imagined for the Heathers. 

“How are you guys feeling? No one is having a breakdown?” Kourtney asked lightly, her eyes flicking to Nina for a second.

“No one is having a breakdown.”

“I can’t believe this is the last time we’re doing the show,” Ricky said. “After this, school is ending, and then we’re off to college.”

Nina sighed, “And then who knows when we’ll see each other again.” She was glad she wasn’t the first one to bring up the nostalgia show day was causing. It felt like all of their lives were unraveling at a crazy pace, a rush of the last days of high school passing them by. She wasn’t necessarily afraid of the show, although it was quite stressful, but it felt like one of the last staple moment of her senior year. 

“I’m gonna miss you guys so much,” Seb cried out, tearing up, and he dramatically looked up and fawned his eyes to chase the tears away.

Gina pouted. “Stop it, you guys. You’ll make me cry.” 

“Not while I’m doing this fire makeup, you’re not.”

Ricky nudged Nina’s shoulder. “Help me with the pencil? I don’t think I should trust my gut instincts again, especially when this could very well make me go blind.” 

“And what a horrible fate for such pretty eyes.”

Nina grabbed the pencil he was extending towards her, their hands brushing for a millisecond, and rised. She stood between his legs, her hand resting on his forehead, tilting his head backwards. With extreme concentration, she applied the pencil to his eyes, trying to brush the color of his eyes staring at her and the shape of his mouth, just slightly parted, from her mind. It took more effort than expected, but Nina managed to finish his eye makeup without messing it up.

“All done.”

“Thanks.”

“No problem.” Nina threw the pencil on the counter and sat back down, feeling herself blush. In the corner of her eyes, Gina gave her a knowing look. 

She quickly finished her makeup, applying some mascara before springing out of her chair and changing into her costume. The shoulderpads were truly awful, but she liked the plaid tennis skirt and the blue looked nice on her. Nina ate her salad as her friends did their last touch up, laughing at some dumb comment EJ made, or Carlos’ long explanation as to why he was trying veganism for the third time, or Big Red intensely scrimbling down some last minute homework. When they were done eating, Nina put on her light lipstick again, as well as the gigantic coat and scarf hiding her "after" costume.

Everyone ran to their positions, nerves climbing up their bodies in rapid and chilling fingers. They heard the seats slowly get filled in, the casual conversations between spectators resonating backstage. Nina didn’t dare sneak a glance at the public like everyone else was doing, opening the curtains just enough to stick a watchful eye out. She stayed on her mark in the center of the stage, breathing in and out, chasing away all thoughts that she was gonna fail, that she was gonna mess up, that she was gonna ruin everything. 

“Good luck.” Nina turned to Ricky with slight surprise. He had left the safety of backstage where he was expected to come see her. He adorned a proud smile. “Although, you won’t even need it because you’re awesome.” Nina grinned back. She watched him go back to his place, feeling a sense of calm settle over her as Miss Jenn and Zach offered a quick message to the spectators. 

The curtains slowly raised.

The show was starting.

“ _September 1st, 1989. Dear Diary-_ ”

Some makeover and several songs later, Gina, Ashlyn and Seb gave Nina a final high kick, their graceful leg sprung in the air and their backs arched. Nina stood there, not needing to dig deep into her to emote smallness and fear, her friends looking so grand and powered up on energy. They came down from the pause, giving her a harsh glare and twisting around, strutting off stage.

“You shouldn’t have bowed down to the swatch dogs and diet coke heads. They’re gonna crush that girl.” Nina expected the line before it came but, still, she turned to Ricky with surprise. He was sitting down, his nose in a book, adoring his leather coat and messy hair. He looked as beautiful as ever.

“I’m sorry, what?”

Ricky stood up, walking up to her in his usual wolfish and overconfident stride, the one he always had when he played JD, but never when he was himself. Nina felt slightly shy, and she didn’t know how much of it was acting. “Look, you’ve clearly got a soul. You just need to work a little harder keeping it clean. We’re all born marked for evil.” He turned around.

“Okay, don’t just quote Baudelaire at me and walk away. Excuse me? I didn’t catch your name.”

Finally, Ricky gave her a look over his shoulder, smirking. “I didn’t throw it.” 

The show passed by at a freakishly fast pace, like every time Nina got ready for a new number it was already over. Fights and the heat of Ricky’s hand in Nina’s, 7/11 meetings and brainfreezes, energetic parties (with all the alcohol lyrics cut out to sound vaguely like a Kidz Bop Song) and cruel pranks, vomit and banishments all sprinting by. 

Nina stood in the corner of the stage, a sleeping Ricky somewhere on the elevated structure, far from her mind. “ _The demon queen of high school has decreed it: she says Monday, 8 am, I will be deleted._ ” Nina went on about her woeful tragedy, about dreams of fleeing, of hair in the wind on the back of a motorbike. Finally, she looked back, the moving frame of Ricky taking off his coat catching her eye. She turned to the public with a knowing smirk. “ _Wait—here's an option that I like._ ” Nina continued singing, confident and fierce, like she never was in real life, but always felt when she wore the skin of Veronica Sawyer. She walked up the structure with a strut, climbing through the window. “ _Got no time to knock, I'm a dead girl walking._ ”

“Veronica? What are you doing in my room?”

“Shh…”

They went through Dead Girl Walking like they usually did, a slight haze, an electrified energy, a dreamlike veil. Nina did not even think of all the of people watching them, of her mothers sitting in the audience, of all her friends singin along. She could only think of Ricky and his hands on her, caressing her middle, of his cheeks between her hands, of his eyelined eyes staring back at her, of his smile and his hair and his lips.

“ _So the world's unfair, keep it locked out there. In here it's beautiful. Let's make this beautiful!_ ”

“That works for me!” When Nina sprung to Ricky’s lips, it was with the knowledge that it was for the very last time.

They kissed like the last goodbye of two lovers, with hunger and desperation. Their hands gripped at each other, trying to get closer, trying to memorize the curves of their bodies. Nina's skin flushed at the feel of his hands on her back, on her sides, on her neck, dexterily playing her spine like a cello. It felt like too much and not enough at the same time and something fluttered in Nina's stomach as she opened her mouth to him, inviting him in, begging for more. She tugged at his hair, her heart franctically beating against her ribs, a fast and wild melody to the tune of their enchanted mouths. Ricky tasted like mint and something more, something him, and she felt herself fall completely under his spell. Nina was feverish, holding him closer to her, pressing her chest against his, trying to destroy any space that could have ever existed between them, feeling herself grow more and more possessive. She forgot her own name, forgot Veronica's, couldn't think of anything else beside Ricky and his bruising lips against hers. She was high on his entire being invading every single one of her senses and she relented with joy, surrended with bliss. Nina was on fire, her entire body enlightened by the scorching kiss. Nina was burning. Finally, the lights dimmed, the music lulled, and Nina slowly came back to her body. Ricky broke apart first, something intense in his eyes, and Nina couldn't help but flee his eyes. They disentangled from each other, lying down side by side on the elevated structure. As the lights came back on, the next scene starting, Nina thought _goodbye_.

After Heather Chandler, Ram and Kurt’s deaths, Act 2 was in full swing. Veronica was now fleeing JD, justifiably upset after he killed two more of her classmates. Nina was cold and angry, biting as hard as she could, trying to muster the feelings she used to hold for Ricky before the school merge happened and their new understanding of each other came. It was kind of crazy to think of everything that had changed since then. 

The funeral was one of Nina’s favorite numbers. Dead Gay Son was a light and fun song amdist a dark and intense act, and Nina was glad for the short relief before she went on to explore the ugly and festering emotions of Veronica. 

It was a brutal contrast to JD’s revelation of his mom’s suicide. The moment vaguely reminded Nina of a night in a bathroom, and she let those memories show through as she whispered, “I’m really sorry-”

“Don’t be.” Ricky snapped and although Nina knew the line, she still flinched, his tone lashing, so different from his usual demeanor. “The pain gives me clarity. We have a lot of work to do.”

“What work?”

“Making this world a decent place for people who are decent.”

“And when does it end?” Nina cried, screaming after him, feeling herself lose some sanity.

“When every asshole is dead!”

“Fine!” She said, desperate, before softening. " _We’re damaged. Really damaged. But that does not make us wise._ ”

She continued Seventeen, dreaming of everything they could do together if they were normal kids, if they hadn’t been caught in the turmoil of teenage drama and murder. They sang of dances and dates, stepping closer and closer to each other, until they were but a inch apart, staring in each other’s hopeful eyes. 

“ _Don't stop looking in my eyes_.” Nina let her arm inch towards Ricky and he grabbed her hand, squeezed it, still looking at her as if he was piercing through her soul. 

“ _Your eyes_.” When Ricky was staring at her, it always felt like he was discovering secrets she didn’t even know about, something both unsettling and comforting, and she longed to nestle herself in that feeling.

Together, Ricky and Nina sang, “ _Can't we be seventeen? Is that so hard to do? If you could let me in, I could be good with you. Let us be seventeen. If we still got the right._ ”

“ _So what’s it gonna be? I wanna be with you._ ” Nina moved a hand to cup Ricky’s cheek. He nestled himself in her palm, his skin warm and soft, and they stepped closer. Their chests glued to each other, their eyes stuck together, their hearts bare, Ricky and Nina forgot everything around them. 

“ _I wanna be with you_.”

“ _Wanna be with you._ ”

“ _Tonight_.” The last note rang around them and Nina, as if leaving her body for a split second, raised on her tippy toes and pressed a kiss to Ricky’s lips. It was but a quick moment. Something gentle and chaste, so opposite of every other kiss they had shared, but just as thrilling. Nina's heartbeat quickened, her knees weakened, and something danced in her chest. It felt like the greeting of two lovers, intimate and innocent. 

Gina stepped on stage, breaking them apart with her mocking and domineering voice. “And they all lived happily ever after.” Their lips seperated. Ricky looked surprised, almost confused, but he ran off backstage as he should have done before Gina arrived, as he would have done if Nina hadn’t kissed him. _Nina had kissed him._

She didn’t let herself linger on it too long, refocusing herself and biting to a smirking Gina, “Just stop talking.” 

The last stretch of the show flew by, a crescendo of intensity. The few songs that permitted Nina to hang offstage was a welcomed relief and she drank water as she proudly watched the show unfold from the wings. Mostly, she was glad no one was coming to her about her and Ricky’s unchoreographed kiss, although she could feel their stare lingering on her back. 

They played Veronica and Ricky’s breakup, the subsequent break in and fake suicide, to finally arrive at what had started it all. Dead Girl Walking: The Reprise, the very song that had gotten Nina and Ricky casted in the first place. 

“ _I wanted someone strong who could protect me. I let his anger fester and infect me._ ” Nina stood powerfully on center stage, staring at the audience with fiery eyes. “ _Heads up, J.D., I'm a dead girl walking!_ ”

She walked to Ricky’s crouched body, working on some sort of artificial bomb, gun in hand. “Step away from the bomb.” 

He straightened up, a chilling laugh escaping his body, something that made Nina shiver. “This little thing? I'd hardly call this a bomb. This is just to trigger the packs of thermals upstairs in the gym. Those are bombs.” He sounded just as intense, just as crazy and angry, just as deranged as he had that fateful day many months ago. Nina barely recognized how she felt for him at that time, something bitter and hostile and relunctantly impressed, so wholeheartedly contrary to how she felt now, watching him. 

“ _I wish your mom had been a little stronger. I wish she stayed around a little longer._ ”

Finally, Ricky cut her, “I wish I had more TNT!” Many months ago, they had stood there, staring at each other, slowly recognizing each other as more than they had ever seen. This time, Nina spurred into action, and punched him right in the face. 

Their staged fight continued as the instrumentals rang loud and intensified in their ears. Kick, punch, slap, some kind of throw that looked good from afar but was definitely strange to act out. Finally the gunshot resonated, and they sprung apart. 

Ricky grabbed the fake bomb, limping away as he put it on, tantalizingly slow as if he truly was in pain, singing about his feelings for Veronica and what he would do for her. 

As the last seconds ran away from the clock, Ricky whispered, “ _Our love is God._ ”

“Say hi to God.” Explosions blared. 

The ensemble cast slowly made their way back onto the stage, looking confused, swatting away the smoke some tech kid backstage had released. Seb ran to her with a worried frown. “Where have you been? People were saying you killed yourself!”

Ashlyn gave her a dirty onceover, a hand on her popped out hip. “You look like hell.”

“I just got back.” 

Nina stole the famed red scrunchie, putting it on as she sang the final song, something hopeful and light, something happy, something good. 

“ _Beautiful!_ ” The last word hung in the air as the lights went black. In a second, the applause roared, cheers and claps echoing. The lights came back to show off the standing spectators, proudly clapping for their children and friends, and the actors bowed. The curtains lowered slowly and they made their way backstage, an excited and proud energy inhabitating them.

It was over. It was truly over. It felt surreal. 

Nina caught Ricky in a corner of the wing, smiling to himself. She ran to him, throwing herself in his arms, and laughed cheerfully as he spun her around. 

“We did it,” she screamed in his ear, joyful. “We actually did it!”

“I know! You were amazing.” He let her down again, her feet slowly coming back to the floor, her arms still interlocked behind his neck, his still holding her back. Ricky was staring at her, lips parted, and Nina’s entire stomach dropped at the paralyzing realization that this was the last time her and Ricky would be this close.

All of a sudden, Nina realized that she didn’t like Ricky. No, she was irrevocably, wholeheartedly and profoundly in love with Ricky Bowen. And then, as they stared at each other, inches apart, mouths half opened, Kourtney grabbed her arm and tore away in an overwhelming hug.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for suspending your disbelief and accepting that this musical was practiced during a Full Year for plot convenience. very cool of you. also thank you for waiting 19 chapters for one of these dumbasses to realize they have feelings for each other. you guys are braver than the us marines fr  
> i was kind of dreading writing this chapter since i've plotted this story which Definitely contributed to how long it took me to get it out. therefore, we can be hopeful that chapter 20 won't take another two months. but not too hopeful though. let's manage our expectations


	20. chapter twenty

Nina was in love with Ricky Bowen. 

She almost couldn’t believe it as she sat in the booth of the Denny’s they were all obnoxiously screaming in, staring at her burger emptiness. She wouldn’t believe it if she didn’t feel the flutter resonate in her chest every time she looked up at Ricky, if her lips didn’t warm with the memory of their kiss when their eyes met and he grinned at her ever so slightly, if she didn’t feel a deep and sickening desire to hold his hand. 

Nina Salazar-Roberts wanted to hold Ricky Bowen’s - her worst nemesis - hand. What a cruel sense of humor fate had. 

She stayed silent for most of the dinner, trying to analyze if what she felt was truly love and not an ill-timed heart attack by picking apart the contents of her heart. Unfortunately, there was no blaming these feelings on anything but her foolish self and her foolish feelings. Absentmindedly, she twirled the note necklace, fidgeting to calm herself down. No one seemed to really notice how quiet she had been anyway, too engrossed in replaying in excruciating detail the events that had happened less than an hour ago, in laughing at whatever botched interpretation EJ was making of Gina as Heather Chandler. and in annoying every single waiter working that night. 

When they exited the restaurant and jovially made their way to Ashlyn’s house where the after-play party had been called, Nina dragged her feet behind her friends. She was not in any mood to party, her bed and an all-nighter overanalyzing every interacting she had ever had with Ricky until it drove her crazy calling her instead. But she knew missing the celebrations would raise unwanted suspicions and Nina couldn’t trust herself not to crumble under any of her friends’ knowing stares. 

“So, that was one hell of a kiss, wasn’t it?” Of course, Gina was harder to fool. Nina sighed, wrinkling her nose in embarrassment. “Or should I say _kisses_?” She added, teasingly. 

“Gina…” Nina warned. They trailed behind their friends’ dancing bodies, far away enough so no one would overhear and join themselves to the unwanted conversation.

“Look, you already know what I think about you and Ricky. But I don’t think you know what I think about Ricky and you.”

“I’m pretty sure you just said the same thing twice.”

Gina rolled her eyes dramatically, shoving her hands in her jean jacket’s pockets. “I meant what I think about Ricky’s feelings for you, Nina.” Her breath hitched. “Because I think that he has them too.” Gina singsonged, her face cracking in a taunting smile, just slightly smug in the corners. Nina turned her head to her, eyebrows raised, shocked. “Come on,” Gina laughed, nudging her shoulder. “Don’t be so surprised. He looks at you like you’ve hung the moon or something. It’s honestly gross.”

“We’re just friends,” Nina whispered, but it didn’t even sound like she believed herself. Gina smiled smugly at her.

“Sure. Just friends totally look like they want to jump each other every second.”

Nina gasped, blushing. “We don’t look like we want to jump each other." She looked around to make sure no one had heard Gina’s terrible and very, very wrong claim. 

She snorted. “You’re right. You look at each other like you want to hold hands under the moon and recite sonnets, which is significantly worse.”

“Shut up.”

They kept walking side by side, the group’s joyous screams the only background sound to their overwhelming silence. Nina’s head was pulsing with new information and she desperately wanted to break the silence to chase the feeling away. However, she was much more afraid of whatever was dancing in Gina’s head, so Nina bit her tongue instead.

“What was that kiss about, Nina?”

“Which one?” Nina asked lightly, a sarcastic smile on her lips. Humor did not deflect Gina.

“Both.”

Nina opened her mouth for a second, ready to spew a new lie, but then closed it. She stared straight ahead. “I don’t know.”

“I think you do.” Nina did not answer anything, keeping her eyes firmly away from Gina’s. Finally, she sighed, “Straight people drama is so boring.”

“We’re not straight.”

“Feels like it.”

“Hey!” 

Gina grabbed her hand with a smirk, tugging her along to their friends, throwing her free arm over Seb’s shoulder and joining in on their rendition of Applause by Lady Gaga.

Nina grinned, her heart warming at the sight of the people she loved the most in the world being carefree and happy, dancing and singing shamelessly in the streets with the unshakable confidence only theater kids were ever capable of mustering. 

Ricky dropped beside Nina, nudging her teasingly with his shoulder. “Come on, you’re not singing.” He was grinning with such candor that Nina couldn’t help but join in, screaming the lyrics with an overdramatic flair. Ricky giggled at her interpretive hand gestures (which looked more like a seizure than anything) and his eyes seemed to warm.

Maybe, just maybe, Ricky looked at her like she hung the moon (or something) and Nina’s heart filled with a thing much more dangerous than love. Hope. 

_________

The party was in full swing and Nina had not yet talked to Ricky, but she watched him from afar with lovey (and disgusting) eyes, following him with a swooning smile as he laughed and danced, giggling to herself every time he almost tripped on his own feet. She was only distracted from her careful watching by one of her friends handing her a colorful shot, wincing as the bitter taste invaded her tongue and climbed to her head. She was light and giddy and _in love_.

“Nina, come play King’s Cup with us!” 

Kourtney dramatically waved her over and she skipped to her, dropping on the floor in-between her friend’s parted knees. “So who’s the King and how do I win?”

Turns out, Nina sucked at King’s Cup, but she took her losses with grace and gulped down the rum and coke Ashlyn had kindly offered her. She was too happy to care, anyway, even when Nathalie drew a nine and started a chain of words that rhyme with cocoa and Nina literally forgot that her name was Nin _a_. It wasn't like there was really any loser in the King’s Cup anyway, because Nina got to chase that warm and sweet feeling in her stomach more than anyone in the living room. 

When the last card was drawn, Nina jumped to her feet, stretching her limbs dramatically, and grabbed two of her friends’ hands to dance. Taylor Swift's You Belong With Me was pumping from the speakers, the lights were dimmed, the furniture was pushed around, and Nina was dancing like there was nothing to worry about in the world. 

“I love you guys so much!” Nina screamed, drunkenly swallowing Big Red in a bear hug, which he gave back happily. 

Nina danced and danced and danced, eyes closed, heart free, and she felt herself beam with joy and heat when she turned around to see Ricky. She grinned, throwing her arms around his neck, and danced with him. One of his hands gripped her lower back lazily, laughing goodnaturedly, and they spun together like they were alone in the room. He was just as drunk as her, which was impressive as Nina was definitely _gone_. It made them only slightly (extremely) dangerous together, bumping into everyone and everything, falling over themselves, no one to catch them except each other.

Giggling and swaying on herself, the world tilting around her ever so slightly, Nina felt on top of the world. 

She was so happy.

“So these are the killer moves you always talk about?”

Nina laughed, throwing her head back. “I love you so much,” she blurted without thinking, spinning in his arms, and felt herself radiate with how much it was true.

 _Yes, I love you so much_. Nina kept thinking, colors and galaxies in her eyes, up on the highest cloud.

“I love you, too,” Ricky slurred, eyes half-closed, and her entire being started singing. “You’re like… My best friend.” Nina’s world stopped and slammed back on its proper axis, dragging her back down to the real world. Her breath caught in her throat and she felt like she had been knocked in the stomach. 

“Um… Yeah.”

“No, but like, really.” He kept going, swaying her in his arms, body warm but so, so far from her. “I’m so glad you’re my friend, Nini.” Nina’s heart broke at the sound of her nickname gracing his lips. She took a step away from him.

“Me too.” Nina gave him a watery smile, feeling her eyes burn, and she tried to make her voice as even as possible. “You’re my best friend, too.” _And nothing more._

Nina spun around and ran away.

__________

Nina stood on the balcony with watery eyes, a hand covering her quivering mouth. She was desperately trying to hold in a sob, fighting the cries clawing at her throat as her eyes filled with uncontrollable tears. She was battling the feeling with her entire being, her body shaking, but she was too drunk and too weak and soon her face was wet and red. A piercing weep broke out of her and Nina crouched down, nestling her head in the palm of her hands as she completely gave up on fighting anything. 

Nina was so fucking _stupid_. She had really thought that Ricky Bowen, the man that could probably get any girl, so gorgeous and charismatic, so funny and open, so kind and passionate, would be interested in her? His sworn enemy less than eight months ago? The girl that made fun of him relentlessly? The girl that had screamed that she hated him more times than he should have ever heard? The girl that was plain and boring and was definitely, totally out of his league? 

In what world would a man like Ricky Bowen ever look at her as more than a pitiful best friend?

Nina was a hopeless romantic, she knew that, but surely she should have not set herself up for such a certain disappointment? Ricky was never gonna love her like she loved him. 

But as Nina shook her head, tears streaming down her face, runny nose and puffy eyes, ugly sobs coming out of her, she could not help but want him to love her. God, how she wanted him to feel the same. She wanted to kiss him under a starry sky, only drawing away to point to a constellation they already knew too well. She wanted to write love songs in his ridiculous music room and tautingly remind him of the time he had said teenage love was impossible. She wanted to hold his hand in a shared mitten on a cold day of winter, preferably with skates on their feet and sugary hot chocolates in their other hands. She wanted to dance with him at parties with their friends, drunk and giggly and happy, being teasingly booed when they showed a bit too much PDA for their liking. She wanted everything she already had with him. She wanted them to stay the exact same. But Nina wanted his heart to bloom with joey and warm with desire and beat with love every time he looked at her, just like she did when their eyes met. 

Nina was a helpless fool in love. She was pathetic.

But, maybe, she didn’t have to be. Nina stood a little straighter, sniffing, breathing in a new breath, drying her face with rushed fingers. There was not only Ricky Bowen in the world. With shaky fingers, Nina grabbed her phone and looked at her contacts.

“Hi?” Howie asked, yawning.

“Did I wake you up?” Nina chewed on her lip worriedly, her voice shaking with the strain of a long cry. 

“No, no.” Something ruffled on the other side of the line, as if he was standing up. “Are you okay?”

Nina stared at the dark night, the houses lining the street in a meticulously identical way, and she felt her eyes fill with tears once again. She shook a breath out, forcing a smile on her lips, before cracking, “I’m fine.” 

Howie did not sound convinced. “Are you really?” 

But Nina had not called to be asked uncomfortable questions a dozen people inside the house could undoubtedly ask her too. She leaned her forearms on the balcony’s railing, sighing. “Howie, what’s your favorite constellation?” Her heart beat with hope. 

_Get me out,_ she thought. _Be the one._

Howie snorted. “Do you usually call people after midnight to ask them their favorite constellation or am I just special?” Nina did not bother to answer. Finally, he said, “I guess Ursa Major? That’s kinda the only one I know.” Nina’s eyes closed, her face scrunching as disappointment settled over her. “Or maybe Capricorn? That’s my sign. It’s a constellation, right?” Her mind was gone already. 

“Thanks,” she breathed out, but her voice quivered and Howie grew worried again.

“Nina, what’s going on? Are you really okay?”

“It’s just…” Nina trailed, but she had no idea how to end the sentence. She let out a chuckle, shaking her head. “I’m just drunk.”

“Oh. Well, please be careful? And go drink some water.”

“Yeah. I’ll go do that.” Nina hung up without saying goodbye. 

She stared at the street again, looking at the lights from a handful of windows, trying to imagine who else was up at this hour, and if their heart broke just like hers did. There were gardens and backyards and trees and Nina thought every single alive thing should be dead. She felt strangely numb, like maybe she was all cried out, and Nina let out a last breath. 

Coming back inside the house, Nina ignored the water and went straight for the vodka.

__________

Nina wasn’t drunk. She was irrevocably, wholeheartedly and profoundly _wasted_. She had done shots after shots, gulping down the cheap beer Ashlyn had bought, mixing whatever alcohol was under her hands, taking a few hits of the blunt one of the tech crew had lit, all so she could chase away the memories of Ricky’s eyes and his smile and his laugh. It was hard when he was physically there, dancing and chatting and playing a very bad game of beer pong. Nina would flee every time he would enter the same room as her, sipping on a new drink as she grimaced and tried to think of anything and anyone other than Ricky Bowen and his lips on her and his hand in hers and his body curled against hers. 

God, Nina was so in love with him, it was disgusting. 

She was currently lingering in the living room, her back against the wall as she could not trust her legs to stand, the whole world spinning around her, and Nina was still only thinking of Ricky Bowen. She let out a dark chuckle. 

“There you are.” Ricky leaned a shoulder against the wall, a smile tracing his lips. Nina cursed, wrinkling her nose. Of course he would find her as soon as her guard was down. “I feel like I haven’t seen you in hours.” 

Nina’s brain worked in slow motion, but she managed to slur a second too late, “I’ve been around.”

His gaze teasingly dropped to her half empty glass. “Yeah, I see that.” 

Nina had to get out of there. She pushed from the wall, but the room started spinning twice as fast, the floor rippling under her feet, and Nina’s body was hit by a wave of nausea. 

Ricky reached a hand out for her, stabilizing her, a worried frown on his face. “You okay?”

Nina opened her mouth to mutter a _I’m fine_ , but instead gagged, widening her eyes in fear as she shut her mouth close. 

“Shit,” Ricky shouted, grabbing her shoulders and rushing her to the bathroom.

As soon as the door was opened, she fell to her knees, throwing her guts out. Ricky stood behind her, holding back her hair as she vomited, disgust shooting up her back as she gagged again. He caressed her comfortingly, brushing a warm hand up and down her spine. 

“Roles reversal.” The humor was clear in Ricky’s voice. “How quaint.”

“Don’t say quaint while I’m throwing up,” Nina muttered, before another wave of nausea hit her and she vomited again.

“Do you have anything against the word quaint? Do you want to make me a list of words I’m not allowed to say while you throw up?” Nina groaned. “How about moist? Am I allowed to say that? Or panties?” Ricky teased. 

“Shut up.” Her head raised from its place above the toilet, and Nina sat back against the tub as her hair slowly fell from Ricky’s hands. She felt gross.

Ricky sat beside her, his long legs spreading in front of him. “Well, this is oddly familiar.” Nina let out a pained laugh.

“I hate you.”

“That, too, is oddly familiar. Are we regressing back? What is next? Fighting about the most ridiculous things? Calling each other archnemesis like bad Disney vilains?”

“Making stupid deals that involve making out?”

Ricky smirked. “I thought we weren’t mentonning Halloween.”

Nina turned her head to him, her eyes droopy. “I’m drunk. I get to bring back shameful memories and you just have to _take_ it.”

“Aw, don’t be so hard on yourself. As I remember it, it was quite a nice kiss.” Nina groaned, her head falling back. Ricky chuckled. “What? It was!”

“You’re a dick.” 

And then, just like he had that fateful Halloween night, Ricky waved his eyebrows and said, “Tell me a secret.” 

Nina let out an ironic laugh, one that was more air puffing from her nostrils than anything, shaking her head at the almost unbelievable demand. If only Ricky knew all the secrets she held in her heart. Before she could make sense of it, the pained chuckle was pricking her eyes, and soon tears were filling her. 

“Woah, are you okay?” 

Nina opened her mouth to brush away his concerns, but she was too drunk to fight off her sobs, and soon tears were sprinting down her cheeks. She turned away from him, her shoulders shaking as she hid herself from his view. 

“Nini?” Ricky whispered, his hand brushing her shoulder. “Nini, what’s going on?”

“Nothing,” she sobbed, and Ricky seemed to grow more worried. His hand fell to her arm, grazing a finger up and down her sleeve. 

“This is the perfect moment to make an heartfelt confession and pretend you don’t remember it after.” Ricky tried joking, but the painful irony shot right through her heart and Nina doubled in tears, a dark laugh roaring from her throat. 

“Nini, look at me.” Nina shook her head, her body still twisted away from him, her head facing the ground stubbornly. “Nini, please.” His voice broke and it hit a chord inside of her. Painstakingly slow and careful, Nina turned her head to him, finding him watching her with watery eyes, his lips trembling. 

Ricky raised a hand slowly, as if afraid she would get afraid and flee him once again, and brushed away the tears on her cheek. She released a breath, and he tugged her to him, swallowing her shoulders with his arms. Her face was nestled against his chest, holding her firmly against his body as if she would break any moment. Tuckly against him, Nina found it easier to breathe, and she managed to slow her weeps to quiet whimpers. 

“Now _this_ is oddly familiar.” Ricky whispered and Nina laughed, a sound escaping from her deep inside of her. She dislodged herself from his embrace, sniffling as she dried her cheeks, shaking her head to bring her back to the world.

“I’m really drunk,” Nina explained. Her voice sounded rough.

“Yeah…” Ricky said, but he didn’t seem to believe her. He bit his lip. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“There’s nothing to talk about, I swear. I’m just tired.” Ricky nodded, but he didn’t seem any less concerned. 

They stayed like this, shoulder to shoulder, back against the tub, completely silent. It _did_ feel oddly familiar, and a unnerving feeling of _déjà-vu_ crawled up Nina’s spine. “You know all my secrets,” Nina finally whispered, eyes still straight ahead. She threw a quick glance at Ricky to find him smiling to himself, looking down at his intertwined hands. 

“Well, can I tell you one of mine?”

Nina whipped her head to him, her mouth wide in offense. “I don’t already know all your secrets?” Ricky rolled his eyes. 

He took a deep breath, releasing it harshly, as if he was ready to confess to something big. “I’m really sorry about all these times I’ve made fun of you for quitting choir and all that. The more I think about it now that I know…” His voice trailed. “Everything that I know, I feel terrible. I’m sorry if I ever made your insecurities worse or made you feel like shit.” 

“It’s fine. You have nothing to be sorry about.”

“But I do,” Ricky said pointedly, looking up at her.

“Well, then, I forgive you.” Nina reluctantly said, “I guess I should say sorry for all those times I insulted you, too.” Ricky chuckled, shaking his head.

“I forgive you, too,” Ricky said solemnly. 

"I never said I was sorry. I just said that I should.” Ricky laughed again, pushing her shoulder. “But you do know that’s not actually a secret, right?”

“Sorry if my secret is disappointing.”

“I’m just saying!” Nina cried, giggling. “What’s the others?”

“Huh?”

“You said _one_ of my secrets. What’s the others?”

Ricky looked straight ahead. “I don’t have any other.” Nina narrowed her eyes in disbelief, digging holes in his side profile. He threw a fleeting glance her way, eyes widening as he saw her expression. “I swear! It was a figure of speech.”

“Yeah, right.” Nina tried standing up, but the sudden movement made her dizzy, and she fell back to the ground. The room was tilting again and Nina felt nauseous. “Oh, God.”

“Do you want me to call you a uber?” Ricky asked, standing up and taking both her hands, helping her rise. She swayed and fell against his chest, pain cracking her skull. 

“No, my moms would kill me if they saw me like this.” He threw an arm over her shoulders and guided her towards the door. 

Outside, the party was mostly quieted down, everyone either gone or sitting lazily together, chatting with a few piercing giggles. The speakers were severely lowered and played some indie tunes instead of the pop and the rock songs it played earlier. Ashlyn was walking back to the laying bodies in the living room when she saw them. She frowned, her eyes filling with concern.

“Are you okay, honey?” 

“She partied too hard,” Ricky explained. “Can she crash here? I can bring her to my house if it’s a problem.” Nina stiffened. God, she did not want to wake up to Ricky’s taunting smile tomorrow, rehashing every embarrassing thing she did, memories of the night haunting her mind. She groaned, already annoyed with the prospect.

“Yes, of course.” Ashlyn nodded, taking her free arm and guiding them to her room. As soon as the door was opened, Nina crashed face first on the bed, glad to finally not have to stand, the dizziness slowing slightly now that her body wasn’t in movement anymore.

“I’ll go get her some water,” Ashlyn said.

“A bucket might be good, too,” Ricky winced as she left the room. He walked to the bed, sitting on the edge, delicately brushing the hair from her face. 

“Can you text my moms to tell them I’m sleeping over? They’ll murder me if I pull a Valentine’s Day again.” Nina mumbled, eyes closed, face muffled against a pillow. 

“Yeah sure.” Nina handed him her phone from her back pocket, not bothering to open her eyes. He knew her password anyway. “All done.” Ricky said, and Nina heard the sound of her phone hitting the nightstand.

“Thanks.”

“No problem.” Ricky stayed silent for a second. It felt like he was building up the courage to say something, like he was waiting for something. “Do you… want me to stay with you?”

“No.” 

“Oh. Okay.”

Ashlyn came back and Ricky stood from the bed. Nina fluttered her eyes open to see her place a glass of water and two ibuprofen on the nightstand, dropping a bucket to the ground. She caressed Nina’s forehead comfortingly. “Goodnight,” Ashlyn whispered.

“Night, night,” Nina mumbled in the covers. The door closed behind them.

Even alone, Nina felt terrible. Her heart swelled and she knew without a doubt that her hangover would be her smallest pain.


	21. chapter twenty-one

Nina sat alone at a white clothed table, playing with a ridiculous cygnus folded napkin with one hand and holding her chin with the other one, pouting exaggeratedly, looking dejected. She was in a gorgeous short black dress with puffy sleeves, a pair of block pink heels on her feet matching the lipgloss staining her lips. Her hair was in an intricate and loose braid, a few strands framing her face, looking meticulously messy. Nina looked absolutely beautiful and she was absolutely unhappy. 

It was prom night and all she could think about was Ricky Bowen. Really, she was pathetic, 

The worst was; it had started as a good night. A great night, even. Nina had been decidedly resolved to have a great time. 

They had all decided to meet up at Ashlyn’s house, their usual hangout place (often called “The Lair” after Big Red had dorkly referred to it that way. After some laughing, the nickname had stuck), for some pictures and aperitif. All their parents were reunited in the string-lit backyard and it was jarring for all of the teenagers to see them interact, laughing and chatting idly, worlds colliding in front of their very eyes. 

“They’re so old,” Carlos whispered to them, “We’re gonna be old like this one day.”

Gina gave him a careful inspection, pointing at his temple. “From the look of that wrinkle, you already are.” Carlos gasped, covering the spot in shame. 

“Not true! I use anti-aging cream every night. I will age as smooth as a baby’s bottom.”

Big Red said through a mouthful of dip, “Are baby butts that soft and smooth? Like, are they more smooth than older people’s butts, and are their butts smoother than the rest of their body?”

“Asking the hard-hitting questions today, Red.” Nina giggled, taking another sip of her champagne. She was still on her first one, while the rest of her friends had finished theirs long ago and were now sipping gin from a flask EJ concealed under his jacket. Nina, however, had been feeling nauseous at the idea of alcohol ever since the musical afterparty, and just the image of her crying on a bathroom floor, the taste of vomit lingering in her mouth, with Ricky desperately failing to trace soothing circles on her back was enough to keep her away from all booze for at _least_ the next week. 

“Oh, have you guys seen the time?” Ashlyn’s mom, easily identifiable by the similar mop of red hair, hiccuped. Her nose was flushed and she looked like she had gotten through much more than glasses of champagne to get through the ordeal of hosting an aperitif filled with strangers. “It’s time for pictures!” She called happily, clicking away on her high pumps to dig out the camera. 

“I wish we would have taken pictures before my lipstick got smudged by the mini pizza rolls,” Kourtney said, appearing beside Nina, shoving an aforementioned pizza roll in her mouth. 

“It looks great, Kourt,” Nina smiled. “Don’t worry.” 

Ashlyn’s mom came back with a camera, gathering everyone together under their willow tree, gesturing them vaguely to smush together some more. 

“Are we sure the pictures won’t come out blurry?” Carlos whispered in Seb’s neck and Nina bit her lip to stop herself from laughing.

“She is so embarrassing,” Ashlyn mumbled, crossing her arms. 

EJ threw an arm over her shoulder, tugging her to him. “She’s being the normal amount of embarrassing for a parent, Ash.”

“Yeah,” Seb nodded. “Have you seen my parents reciting to everyone their twenty cows’ names?”

“Come on, that was adorable!”

Before anyone could add anything, Ashlyn’s mom shushed them. “Closer, guys!” They moved closer.

Officially, they were all each other’s date, going together as a group and spending their last moments of high school enjoying their friendship. Unofficially, Seb and Carlos were clearly each other’s dates, adoring matching boutonnieres on their suits and arriving at Ashlyn’s holding hands. Unofficially, Gina had a beautiful and tall blonde’s arms wrapped around her waist, whispering secrets that made Gina giggle and blush. Her name was Lily and Gina had gushed that she was in love with the girl for a few months, way before either of them had started talking, but they had yet to put any label on it, or even admit their feelings. Gina still crashed on their lunch table every week and asked them if they thought Lily liked her, which made their friends stare at her in disbelief as they recounted all the long hours they had had to endure the two girls’ flirting. Unofficially still, EJ had a date with the captain of the baseball team, Jack Trent, who was waiting for him at the dance. EJ hadn’t been that bummed about his absence at the aperitif, Jack and him only having been talking for a few weeks and nowhere near as close to the whole “meet each other’s parents, friends and friends’ parents” thing yet. Still, Nina could tell he was excited to join him soon. Unofficially again, all the rest of them were stags, hiding behind their official lie. 

At least, Ricky was just as alone as Nina, which was a modest comfort for the fact that Nina was not in fact going to prom with Ricky. A few nights ago, she had had a vivid dream of the two of them entering the dance together, wearing flowers on their bodies, dancing under the string lights and streamers. It had all felt so real and Nina still remembered the sweet taste the dream had left in her mouth. Unfortunately, Nina was very much flower-less, date-less and Ricky-less. 

“I’ve been smiling for so long, my face is cramping.” Ricky said, leaning into her to mumble against her ear, his crisp smile still on. He was painfully beautiful in his suit and Nina tried as hard as she could to not let her eyes travel over his frame whenever she looked at him.

“That’s showbiz, baby,” Nina answered, flipping her braid behind her shoulder and hitting him straight in the eye. Ricky groaned in pain.

“You’re a danger with this thing.”

“Oh, you haven’t even seen half the things I can do with this thing,” Nina smirked smugly, her eyes lighting up. 

Ricky threw an arm over her shoulders casually, leaning against her with a nonchalant smile. “Plenty of time for all those other things, babe.” Nina blushed furiously, and her face beamed with the brightest smile. (Later, when Nina’s family looked at the pictures, everyone agreed that the one with her bright eyes and her rosy cheeks and the curly haired boy’s arm around her was her best one.)

When the pictures were finally over (after EJ’s dad took over the camera and made sure at least some of them weren’t obstructed by Ashlyn’s mom’s finger or shaky hands), all the teenagers bid farewell to their parents and climbed into EJ’s or Ricky’s car, trying as hard as they could not to sit on anyone’s dress. 

Nina, sitting in Ricky’s passenger seat as she always did, turned up the radio and faced the backseat, laughing with her slightly tipsy friends and singing off key to whatever pop tune was ringing in the car. 

“I hate always being the designated driver,” Ricky said as he made a left, his gaze fixed on the road but still clearly speaking to her. “I had to be sober while my dad hit on Ashlyn’s mom.”

From the backseat, Big Red perked up. “I think it was more Ashlyn’s mom hitting on Mike.”

Gina shook her head. “I think it was definitely a mutual thing.” 

“See the positive, though,” Big Red offered with a sloppy smile. “You and Ash would get to be siblings.” By Ricky’s grimace, even the idea of sharing a siblingship with Ashlyn was not enough to distract him from the idea of their parents getting it on.

“Oh,” Gina added, “and you’d be EJ cousin.” 

Nina snorted, singsonging, “Sweet home Alabama.” Ricky threw her a death glare, which she smiled innocently to.

“Turn up the music,” Lily screamed, clearly way past tipsy. Her head was lying lazily over Gina’s, her white suit a striking contrast to Gina’s red dress.

“You heard the lady!” Nina turned the music and their friends went back to shouting, already moved on from whatever conversation they had before. 

Ricky sighed, shaking his head. “Re: I hate being the designated driver.”

Nina pouted dramatically, poking his cheek. “But you do it so well.”

“I’m literally a terrible driver, Nini.” 

“Finally you admit it!” 

“Can’t ever prove I did,” Ricky shouted, turning up the speaker to the max, drowning out all of Nina’s complaints as he began shouting the new Taylor Swift song that just came on. Finally, she rolled her eyes, joining in with her friends. As she stared ahead at the road, her head bobbing to the beat, she couldn’t help feeling light bloom in her chest. She had missed being this close to Ricky, talking without the underhand pressure of her feelings for him in the back of her mind, dragging down all of their interactions to a shy mess.

Maybe Ricky would never love Nina back, but maybe she wouldn’t care. Maybe they’d be fine just like this, exactly the same. 

As Ricky parked the car with a surely illegal move (although Nina’s lack of permit would stop her from officially proving it), the music cutting abruptly when Ricky took the key out of the car, Nina thought that maybe it was better that way anyway. 

They opened the doors to the gymnasium, the five of them in a straight line and formal outfits like a movie line-up, and took in the sight. Kids were dancing and sitting around, a weird collection of people that never interacted and close friends, people that hated each other less than a year ago. Streamers were hanging from the ceiling, with twinkling mood lights, and the night sky background for pictures was being obstructed by a group of teenagers. Tables were dressed all over the gymnasium and music played from the speakers. The place was definitely better decorated than East High ever could have dreamed of, Nina remembering the awful prehistoric theme the prom had had last year. 

As Nina stood there for a second, staring at the North High gymnasium, she had a sort of chilling realization that this was not supposed to happen. A year ago, her friends had talked about their dream prom, about the limo they wanted to rent (which they now found horribly tacky and unnecessary), of the cute boys and girls they could only dream to take to prom (boys and girls they had not seen or talked to in months), of the themes and the pictures and the decorations. Nina was supposed to enter the East High gymnasium, not surrounded by Northerners, and definitely not in love with Ricky Bowen. Yet, she did not seem to mind as much as she thought she should. All her plans, all her goals, all her dreams had been shifted after that one tragic fire in September, but maybe, just maybe, it was all for the better.

Over on a table, the rest of their friends waved them over, bright smiles breaking their face. Nina took Big Red’s hand and skipped over to them, grinning back excitedly. 

“The place is beautiful!” She exclaimed, making a 360 degrees and examining it again with twinkling eyes.

“Isn’t it?” Ashlyn said, sitting down on a chair, staring up at the intricate lights. “East High never would have had the budget.”

“That’s what I was thinking!”

“Yeah, yeah, East High is cheap, North High has nice decorations, whatever.” Kourtney waved their comments away, before grabbing Nina’s arm. “What I wanna do is pictures.” 

Nina let herself get dragged to the starry night, followed by all of their friends, and they mushed together as the hired photographer snapped pictures of them. In most of them, they were laughing, their faces contorted in grimaces, their bodies all over the place. Nina, Kourtney, Seb, Carlos and Ashlyn (or more commonly known as SNACK) took their own pictures, arms looped together, just for their one year younger them who would have been affronted not to have any. The unofficial dates all had their respective pictures, shy smiles and lovey eyes, and Ricky and Big Red took one in the traditional prom pose, looking dramatically at the horizon. 

Nina just felt good, surrounded by her friends, and she was glad her prom would not be ruined by stupid feelings that would be gone in under a year. As she watched their wide smiles, carving them in her memories, she was relieved to know she was forming nostalgic moments, great times, things to remember fondly over. 

They made their way back to their table, still laughing and talking about how East High did not have any sit-in dinner, and remembering their plan of going to a cracked-out Ihop before their prom. Dinner was served and the meal was a bit dry and far too small, but it was much more enjoyable once EJ spiked their juice glasses with the flask he had sneaked in. 

“How did you even manage to pass it through security?” Ricky, who had his taken away by the door, asked. Security was two teachers with vigilant eyes and an authority complex. 

“You don’t want to know.” 

Gina stopped her hand mid-air, freezing before she took her sip. “What does that mean?”

“Let’s just say,” EJ trailed, pouring more rum in Ash's glass under the table, “that it was hiding in places illegal for teachers to check.” Disgusted cries resounded around them as the visual hit their brains, gags and disbelieved moans coming out of their grossed-out mouths. EJ rolled his eyes at their dramatics. In the end, they all finished their drinks, no matter where the flask had been hidden. 

When dinner was over, the gang all separated, some running to the dancefloor, fire to their step, and others chilling around the table. Nina had filled herself on bread, and she now felt much too bloated to jump around, so she preferred staying in her chair, chatting with Ashlyn and Seb. 

“What about him? He’s kind of cute if you don’t consider his mustache.” 

Nina threw Seb a glare. “His name is literally Blaykelee.”

“Yikes.” Seb had been trying to set both of them up at the dance, pointing at anyone they saw and affirming with all his might they were soulmates. For now, the results had been dodgy at best. “Well, what about her? In the blue dress?”

“Oh, she’s pretty,” Ashlyn smiled, her head resting on her hand, watching the crowd with avid eyes. For some unknown reason, Ashlyn had been much more willing to find someone at the dance than Nina. “I love the butterflies on her heels.”

“Quirky just like you.”

Before they could try to force Nina onto Blue Dress Girl’s best friend (and hitting them with a double offensive), she stood out of her chair, flicking her braid behind her shoulder. “I’m going to the bathroom.”

“Want me to come with you?” Ashlyn asked, already raising from the chair. Nina nudged her back down.

“So you can talk yourself out of going up to Blue Dress? No way. I’ll be back in a minute.” 

“Going to the bathroom alone?” Ashlyn gasped. “Somehow this feels illegal.”

“I promise I’ll text you if I get murdered.”

Nina turned around and walked out the gymnasium. She made her way to the bathroom where a group of girls were whispering in a corner. One of them seemed to be crying, moaning about someone and their lack of attention, and the other two were desperately trying to save her makeup. Nina gave them an awkward smile, before making a beeline for the mirrors and popping out her lip gloss. She applied a new coat of pink, smacked her lips together, and looked at herself with pride. She was beaming, undeniably pretty and happy. She walked out the bathroom with her chin high. 

Back in the gymnasium, Ashlyn and Seb had both made their way to the dance floor. Nina walked to their table, finishing her drink as she stared at her dancing friends, Gina and Lily moving together, Jack and EJ awkwardly dancing beside each other, Seb and Carlos spinning holding each other’s hands, Ashlyn talking up Blue Dress on the floor, Big Red spinning on himself, and Ricky-

“Hey, loner.” 

Nina rolled her eyes teasingly, turning to face Ricky, still holding her half-full glass. “Wow. I’m alone for five seconds and I’m already branded the loner.” 

Ricky laughed, shrugging. “That’s how teen movies go.”

“I mean I guess you’re right. I _am_ wearing black after all.”

“The color of weirdos!” He said, too enthusiastic, and Nina shook her head, a giggle bubbling out of her. Ricky smiled warmly, his grin lightening the room. “Having fun?”

She looked around at the room. “Yeah. You?”

Before Ricky could answer, Cordelia, a tall blond Northerner (the painful opposite of Nina), grabbed his shoulder, spinning him to her with a wide smile. “Ricky! We _have_ to dance.” He opened his mouth, no words coming out, and closed it as soon as he realized he had no idea what to say. He threw a glance at Nina. She was staring at him intensely, her breath caught, waiting on his lips for his answer. Cordelia’s hand slid down his arm to his hand, tugging him. “Come on!” She giggled.

“Um, yeah, sure.” He barely had time to finish that Cordelia was already dragging him to the dance floor, hand holding his, hips rolling in a way Nina could only dream of. 

Nina stared at them as Ricky took her other hand, spinning her around to the beat, her body rolls much more seductive than anyone should be allowed to do. She slowly sat down on her chair, suddenly not feeling like dancing at all, dropping her glass on the table. As the time and songs passed, Cordelia and Ricky still dancing together, Nina found herself not feeling like being there at all. Prom was supposed to be nice, but now she was hyperfocused on their hands, on their laughs, on their hips, on their bodies, two in a crowd, only ones she could see. Now, prom was just awful, her chest beating with fear.

Nina had thought she would be fine with being only friends with Ricky, and it was true, but she had never accounted for the idea that he would be with someone else. Her throat poisoned with something bitter, a nasty feeling close to jealousy and envy, and she dug holes in their backs. She wanted them to leave. She wanted to leave herself. 

So Nina sat alone at a white clothed table, playing with a ridiculous cygnus folded napkin with one hand and holding her chin with the other one, pouting exaggeratedly, looking dejected. She was in a gorgeous short black dress with puffy sleeves, a pair of block pink heels on her feet matching the lipgloss staining her lips. Her hair was in an intricate and loose braid, a few strands framing her face, looking meticulously messy. Nina looked absolutely beautiful and she was absolutely unhappy. 

It was prom night and all she could think about was Ricky Bowen. Really, she was pathetic, 

As Nina considered an Irish goodbye, just slipping away and disappearing for the night, sneaking into her house and crying on her bed for a good few hours in her pretty dress, Howie sat on the chair beside her. She bit the inside of her cheek, her gaze still fixed on Ricky and Cordelia, really not feeling like dealing with this. 

“Are you having fun?”

“Why does everyone keep asking me that?” Nina snapped, harsh and lashing. Her face scrunched as regret overtook her. She turned to him apologetically. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”

Howie shook his head, an easy smile on his lips. “No worries.” His smile faltered slightly. “Are you okay, though?”

“Of course!” As soon as Nina heard herself, too quick and too grand, she knew it sounded fake. 

Howie nodded, clearly not believing her. He bit his lip. “It’s just… I know you said you were just drunk, but your phone call was kind of concerning. It seemed like… like something was wrong. Really wrong. And now you’re sitting alone and… You look kind of sad.”

“Nothing’s wrong,” Nina whispered, her eyes trailing back to two bodies in a crowd. “Nothing you could fix anyway.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. It’s not your fault. It’s not anyone’s fault.”

The music changed from an energetic beat to a slow, languish pace. Howie grinned, standing up, offering her his hand. “Well, if I can’t help you, at least let me dance with you. No pretty girl should be sitting alone during a slow dance.”

“Oh, haven’t you heard? I’m a loner.”

Howie rolled his eyes, wiggling his hand in front of her. “Come on. As friends.” 

Finally, Nina grinned, taking his hand and standing up. “Fine, but I reserve myself the right to step on your feet.” She brushed off her dress and walked beside him, following his lead as he guided them to the center of the room. 

A bit awkwardly, as if he had not yet planned ahead, Howie twisted to face her, tentatively holding her middle. His hand was at a very respectful place, and Nina smiled at him as she laid her own on his shoulder, letting their joined hand stand close to their bodies, rocking softly on themselves. It was slow (as a slow dance should probably be) and calm. Howie softly hummed the song that was playing and Nina felt herself relax slightly. She laid her head on the shoulder she was holding, breathing in his scent. Howie nestled closer to her. This was nice. 

Slowly, as if she felt a pair of eyes on herself, Nina looked up. Across from them, almost hidden by bodies, were Ricky and Cordelia. Her hands fell on his shoulders, crossing behind his neck, and Ricky held her waist. Nina let her eyes travel, taking in the sight as her heart pinched again. 

When she trailed back up, she was almost surprised to find Ricky staring at her. He did not look away once he got caught, simply gazing at her as if he could read her soul, as if he could discover all her secrets from so far away. Nina stared back, decided not to back down first, and they swayed in other people’s hands. His eyes were intense, dark, and Nina wished she could read them as well as he always seemed to read hers. Her body was acutely aware of his presence now, her chin resting on Howie’s shoulder so she could look at him better. There, eyes locked together just like they did so long ago in a dark room, Nina could almost pretend they were dancing together. Her back warmed with the idea of Ricky’s hand, her body sang with the memory of his against hers, her ear flushed at the dream of his curls tickling it. Nina did not blush like she usually did. It felt like, just this once, she was allowed to think this way. She was allowed because maybe he was thinking this too, because maybe he stared at her like he wanted her in his arms. His hands grasped Cordelia's back, but it seemed more out of anger than wanting, and Nina let herself imagine his hands on her. 

In her mind, Nina danced with Ricky. In her mind, he danced with her too. 

The music cut, and as a next song started playing, Ricky disentangled himself from Cordelia. He made his way over to her. Nina’s heart was beating out of her chest as his frame got closer and closer.

He tapped on Howie’s shoulder. “Can I cut in?”

Howie turned around in surprise, leaning away from Nina. “Yeah, sure, dude.” He smiled at Nina, nodding a goodbye, and left. 

Ricky grabbed her hand, his other one warming her back, his body so deliciously close to her but still not touching, not there. Nina tentatively rested her hand on his shoulder, much taller than Howie’s, and she had to tilt her head back to look in his eyes. This was so far from her dream in ways she could not explain. 

“I didn’t know you and Howie were still going on. I thought it was the worst date of your life.” Ricky bit as they rocked slowly, his tone not matching the calm music. Nina refused to back down.

“I didn’t know you and Cordelia were even happening.”

“We’re not.” 

“Okay.” Ricky stared at her. A smirk teased her lips, her eyes lit with fire, refusing to give him what he wanted. “Good to know.”

“Yeah?” His head cocked, a smug smirk gracing his lips, and Ricky stepped closer to her until every parcel of their body was touching. Nina blushed just slightly, and to hide it from him, she nestled her head against his shoulder. His hand rested just slightly lower than Alastair, on the curve of her spine, and she felt herself grow hot against his body.

“Yeah,” she whispered, barely audible if they weren’t so close. His head bent down, laying against hers, and they danced together in this almost cocoon. For a second, they were alone in the room, in the world. 

“Nothing’s going on with Howie,” Nina mumbled finally and she felt him smile against her. 

“Good to know.” 

This was more than Nina had ever dreamed of. She was almost surprised how all of her fantasies paled in comparison to the reality of dancing in Ricky’s arms, without an inch separating them, so close they could maybe kiss. God, Nina wanted to kiss, to feel his lips warm hers again, to smother her need for him just slightly, just for a little while. She had played and replayed all their kisses in her mind for days now, remembering every detail she had tried so hard to forget, wondering if he would kiss her differently if they were not told to do so. 

But Nina could not silence the nagging reminder in the back of her head that this did not mean to him what it meant to her. _Friend._

Slowly, Nina cracked an eye open, rushing her back to the real world, to the gymnasium, reminding her that they were not alone in the universe. They swayed together, Nina slowly coming back to herself, and her vision fell on Gina’s knowing smirk. _Best friend._

‘Told you,’ Gina mouthed proudly, arms crossed as Lily chatted to someone. Nina frowned. She wished Gina was right, she wished this was what it looked like, but Nina remembered. _You’re like… My best friend._

Suddenly, Nina was too hot, too sticky, everything feeling a little too much, a little too bright. Her breath quickened, her heart beating against her ribs, and she didn’t know what to do. Ricky was so close to her, but he still felt so far away, and Nina knew the cold hard truth. _I’m so glad you’re my friend, Nini._

_I’m so glad you’re my friend, Nini._

__

_I’m so glad you’re my friend, Nini._

____

_I’m so glad you’re my friend, Nini. I’m so glad you’re my friend, Nini. I’m so glad you’re my friend, Nini. I’m so glad you’re my friend, Nini. I’m so glad you’re my friend, Nini. I’m so glad you’re my friend, Nini. I’m so glad you’re my friend, Nini. I’m so glad you’re my friend, Nini. I’m so glad you’re my frien-_

_____ _

Nina had to get out of there. 

_____ _

She practically jumped out of Ricky’s arms. He frowned, taking a step towards her, but she took one back. “I gotta go.” Nina rushed, before turning around and running. She heard Ricky call after her as she pushed the doors to the gymnasium. 

_____ _

She stood outside of North High, the warm June air sticking against her skin, shivering in disbelief, and Nina broke down crying. She hugged her arms to her chest, her shoulders curving down, her head lowering. Nina cried and cried, ugly sobs coming out of her mouth, red lipstick smudging against her lips, mascara streaming down her face, and Nina knew without a doubt she looked pitiful. 

_____ _

She heard steps coming from the door, and Nina knew in her guts it was her friends making their worried way towards her. They could not see her like this. She dried her cheeks quickly, makeup leaving on her hands, and ran. 

_____ _

Nina made her way to her house, her heels in her hands, and dropped on her bed, crying in her pretty dress. 

_____ _

_____ _

__________

_____ _

_____ _

Nina sat on the bleachers, looking down at the football field filled with bustling students, holding her graduation cap. It’s written East High on her diploma, but it neither felt true or false. 

_____ _

High school was truly over and Nina did not believe it. The past four years ran in front of her eyes and Nina was finally feeling the nostalgia she had been preparing for. All those memories she had carefully engraved in her brain for the future were rushing back to her. Smiles of her friends, laughters under trees, boring classes, wild parties, crying fits in bathrooms, holding the people she loved in her arms. Nina was gonna miss all of it. Her heart pinched as she stared at her friends hugging their family, wondering how much time they still had together. 

_____ _

“This feels like the end of a high school movie, doesn’t it?” Ricky sat beside Nina, his elbows resting on the bench behind him, his graduation robe hanging over his suit. His hair was just slightly messy from the cap and Nina resisted the urge to run her hands through it. 

_____ _

“Well, it is the end of high school, so I suppose it’s fitting.” 

_____ _

“You look grim for someone who just got out of hell.” 

_____ _

Nina sighed, looking up at the sky. It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining, the clouds were painting the sky, and the artificial grass of the football field seemed greener with all the blue and red robes crowding it. Still, it did not reflect in Nina’s soul. 

_____ _

“I guess I am.”

_____ _

Nina refused to look at Ricky, but she supposed he frowned like he usually did since prom. They had been walking on eggshells around each other, a concerned furrow between Ricky’s eyebrow, a fake smile on her lips.

_____ _

“What’s wrong?” 

_____ _

“I don’t know. This is like… The end. Of something. I don’t want things to end.” 

_____ _

Ricky nudged her shoulder humorly. “Not to be cheesy, but it’s also the beginning of something.” She chuckled, shaking her head. He breathed out as if he was preparing for something. “Nini-” His voice turned serious all of a sudden and fear struck her. Whatever he was about to say, Nina knew she really did not want to hear. 

_____ _

Instead, she turned to him, finally looking at him, and asked in a leveled tone, “So, is your mom here?” Ricky’s breath caught in his throat. He looked down. 

_____ _

“No,” he whispered. “She said she had too much work in Chicago to make it, or something.” 

_____ _

Nina bit her lip, already regretting bringing it up. She had seen Mike alone, she had known. Almost like an instinct, Nina took his hand and squeezed it, wanting to take all his pain away. “It doesn’t matter. All the people that care about you are here.” Ricky grinned at her. 

_____ _

“You know none of us are gonna leave you, right? It’s not because we’re everywhere in the country that we’ll stop caring about you.”

_____ _

“I know.” Then, quietly, still looking away, still holding his hand, Nina said, “I’m glad you’re coming to New York with me.” He squeezed her hand.

_____ _

“I’m glad too.”

_____ _

They sat there on the bleachers in silence, holding hands, looking forward, the screams and laughs of their fellow students resounding in their ears, the bright sun shining over their heads, and maybe it wasn’t that scary after all.

_____ _


	22. chapter twenty-two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> important! i've edited a little this story because i really hated the way the first chapters were written. nothing important to the story was changed except alastair is now named howie and jesmina (gina's date) is named lily. they're the new characters coming in season two and i thought they would fit well in these roles.
> 
> i'd say the only chapter that really changed is chapter seven, the one where they fight, because i basically rewrote all their arguments. it's not important for the comprehension of the story but if you want to reread it for the new dialogues i welcome you to!
> 
> also nina and ricky's first meeting in chapter one has changed but it's like. a few paragraphs. 
> 
> anyway enjoy this chapter we're so close to the end thank you for reading i love you all xx

Summer was warm on Nina’s skin and fresh on her tongue. She had firmly decided to ignore whatever was waiting for her at the end of August and instead chose to bask in the sun, head resting on a tree or one of her friends’ bare thigh, grass tickling her legs, summer dresses dug out of her closet. She spent most of her time outside, a fruity drink in her hand, sunglasses low on her nose, laughter blooming in her chest. 

Nina’s friends had decided to spend every second they could together before college would see them apart, off to the four corners of the country. They were two weeks into the summer and they had already hosted game and movie nights, threw pool parties, and planned a weekend getaway to a cabin by a lake. Their days were spent in such close proximity that Nina didn’t even find the time to miss them. 

Tonight, EJ had invited them over for a barbecue, claiming himself the grill master. From their memories of his abilities with fire, they had seriously doubted his words, but his house was pretty and his pool was huge and there was nothing in this world funnier than EJ failing. 

He was currently trying to work the grill, seeming confused on the temperature a barbecue needed, Gina and Lily right beside him nudging him in the right way with amused grins. Nina, Ashlyn and Seb were hiding from the sun inside, preparing side dishes for their meal, which they suspected they would greatly need, cutting up vegetables and fruits as their hips swung to the rhythm of their music. Big Red and Ricky had jumped in the pool as soon as they had arrived, and from the corner of Nina’s eye, they seemed to be involved in a pretty intense water competition of some sort. Carlos and Kourtney were basking on a outdoor lounge chair, tanning under the sun in their swimming suits. 

“Do you guys think if I take another shot I have a chance of cutting my fingers?” Ashlyn, cheeks already flushed from the margaritas Carlos had made, asked. She was brandishing a knife carelessly, holding a bell pepper in her other hand. 

Seb looked up to her with a playful smirk. “Maybe just one.”

“Good enough.” Turning around, Ashlyn dropped the knife on her cutting board and grabbed some vodka off a shelf. As she looked in the cupboards frantically, trying to find a shot glass, Nina took over her cutting board. 

Ashlyn twisted back to them, pouring and taking a shot, before looking at Nina with a confused frown. Nina grinned. “Maybe you should do the salad instead.”

Ashlyn nodded. “You’re so wise.” Grabbing a bowl, she started to throw any green ingredients she could see in the mix, humming to the new Taylor Swift that came on their speakers. “I think this salad is gonna be very experimental.” 

“Bold move. I like it.” Seb grinned, before freezing at the sight of Ashlyn adding mayo to the salad. “Maybe not such bold moves, though.” 

“Don’t impair my creativity, Seb.”

“I would never dare.” 

Kourtney opened the sliding doors, entering the kitchen, her sunglasses resting on her forehead. The howlers of Big Red and Ricky resonated to Nina’s ear and she bit her lip, focusing back down on her peppers. Kourtney made her way to the counter, grabbing some fruity drinks from the fridge.

“Do you guys need any help here?” Kourtney asked, opening the bottles, with a side eye to Ashlyn’s giggly movements. Against her will, Nina let her eyes travel to the glass door, watching Ricky jump in the water, coming back up with a happy grin. The sight warmed her heart and, right after, made her sick. With a pout, she discarded the peppers to a plate and grabbed carrots. 

“Are you okay, Nina?” She looked up, surprised. Kourtney was staring at her, drink in hand, frowning.

“Of course,” Nina exclaimed, trying to appear as warm and carefree as possible. “Why do you ask?”

“I don’t know. You seem down.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m great, really!”

Seb sighed and Nina twisted to him. He was chewing his lip, as if hesitating over something. Slowly, he asked, “You would tell us if you weren’t, though, right?”

 _No._ “I would.”

“Okay,” Kourtney nodded, coming up beside Nina, throwing an arm over her shoulder. “It’s just, you’ve seemed down lately, Nina. I can’t explain it.” Nina’s stomach dropped. She tried to appear almost surprised at this opinion, but truthfully, Nina had been down lately. As much as she loved the summer and her friends, as much as she loved spending all her waking hours and most of her sleeping ones with them, being so close to Ricky without _being_ with him found itself closer to torture than Nina would ever dare explain.

“Yeah,” Ashlyn mumbled, looking at her with pitiful eyes. “Ever since prom, it’s like there’s something wrong.”

“Nothing’s wrong!” Nina looked her friends in the eyes, trying to seem genuine. “I love you guys for worrying about me, but there’s really no need.”

“We just want you to be happy.”

“I know.” Then, Nina grinned. “And what would make me really happy is for you guys to up the music!” With a giggle, Ashlyn turned up the Gracie Abrams song, and they screamed the lyrics at the top of their lungs as they finished up cooking.

Once the sides were finally done, they left the comfort of the air conditioned house and ventured outside. Nina grabbed the plate of fruits and the bowl of chips and walked out, setting them on the patio table close to the pool. She grabbed a quarter of apple, watching Seb run to Carlos and fall on his lap giggling, whispering sweet nothings in his neck. 

Just as her eyes instinctively traveled to the pool, Ricky sprung out, water dripping down his body. Almost involuntarily, Nina watched him, her eyes trailing down his chest, watching the water droplets glisten on his toned muscles. He looked positively sinful. Blushing, she saw him make his way to the table, smirking. Her brain went into overdrive, trying to scammer back its senses at the sight of Ricky Bowen shirtless in front of her. 

Stopping in front of her, a table between them, Ricky looked down at the selection. “So much fruit.”

“Well, not all of us are at risk of being taken away by natural selection.” Nina answered, her voice slightly trembling, proud of herself for even putting a coherent sentence together. He smiled at her comment. 

Then, carefully, he dug a watermelon out of the table, biting down on the pink slice. Juices dripped down his chin and Nina’s brain truly exploded. Eyes wide, she watched the pink coat his lips, watched him lick them clean, before finally wiping his chin with his thumb. The memory of an Halloween night, lips against lips, taste of booze and watermelon juice in her mouth came back to Nina like a rush. For a second, she would have done anything to jump on him and taste it again. 

“You know, this is why I hate watermelon.” Startled, Nina looked back up to his eyes, snapping back to reality. She gulped, her cheeks reddening, and vaguely nodded. 

“Yeah. Gross.” She flipped around, briskly leaving him behind. 

Entering the house again, Nina ran to the living room, crashing down on the couch. She let her head fall in her hands, elbows on her knees, a cruel laugh coming out of her. She shook her head, almost refusing to believe how pathetic she was.

“What the fuck is going on with you?” 

Nina sat up in surprise. Ricky was standing in the doorway, a crease in his forehead, looking at her with a strange expression, a sort of mix of confusion and worry. 

“What?” Nina was getting seriously tired of being asked that. 

“Did I do something?”

Nina's frown furthered. "What are you talking about?”

"What I'm talking about?" Ricky asked in disbelief. "You barely talk to me anymore. I come to you and you seem to find any excuses to leave. What the fuck is going on?"

Nina gulped, surprised by his words. Although she had never been known for subtlety, she didn't think he would notice. Really, she didn't think he cared. "Nothing."

“Then why?” Ricky let out a dry laugh, taking a step in the living room. “Why do you barely answer my texts? Why are you always six feet away from me? WHy do you always run when I enter a room? What’s going on? Why are you avoiding me?”

“I’m not.” Nina’s throat felt strained.

“Yes, you are," he sounded desperate. "And I don’t understand why. I just want things to go back to the way things were.” Nina sighed, the burn of his words stinging her skin. He wanted to be her friend. Only that. Forever that.

“Why do even you care?”

“Because I care about you, Nina.” Ricky cried, throwing his airs in the air. The sound of her name, her full name, on his lips for one of the first times ever felt like a burn. Nina looked up at him, staring in his eyes, and she could finally pinpoint the expression on his face. Pain. “Is that so hard to believe? That I care about you and that I miss you and that I don’t want you to avoid me. That I want to tell you about my day and I want you to tell me about yours and I-” Ricky’s voice broke, and he took a deep breath. Looking back down to her fingers, Nina felt her eyes fill with water. “I just want to know what’s going on.”

Nina stayed silent for a second, lingering in the thoughts in her head. “I’m sorry,” she finally said. “I know I’ve been weird. It’s just-” She couldn’t seem to find a good reason to explain it so, instead, she swatted to the side, making him a seat beside her. 

Wordlessly, he sat down, eyes still avoiding each other. Staring straight ahead, Nina asked, “Do you still believe all those things about teenage love? That it’s unreasonable. Doomed.”

Ricky took a moment to think, before whispering, “I don’t know.” The words felt meaningful. “You? Do you still believe teenage love is bubblegum and rainbows?”

Finally, Nina looked at him, really looked at him. Faintly frowning, she whispered back, “I don’t know.”

“Don’t do that.” Ricky breathed, and she cocked her head in question. “Don’t stop believing in things.” They stayed there for a second, basking in the presence of each other, eyes holding each other like they always seemed to do. 

Nina slapped her lap, standing up. “Come on. I’ll go beat you in Marco Polo.” 

Ricky chuckled, a defying smirk and challenged eyes overtaking his face. “Oh, it’s on.”

__________

Nina was sitting on her pink fluffy chair in the corner of her room, feet tucked under her, an old notebook resting on her knees as she tried to write out her feelings in pretty, poetic words. No matter how strongly and passionately she felt, she seemed incapable to get them out, to explain them in intricate and pink sentences. 

As she was trying to find a word rhyming with hazel, Nina’s door downstairs was frantically knocked on. She jumped, startled by the sound, and frowned. Her moms were off to work and she had invited no one over. Carefully, she stood from the seat, posing down the notebook and going down the stairs. The knocking wouldn’t stop, trumming on her door in a fury. Finally, Nina arrived to the door, opening it with an annoyed frown. Ricky was standing in front of it, his arm raised in the air mid-knock, a strikinh grin on his lips. Really, Nina should have seen this coming.

“What are you doing knocking on my door like a crazy person?”

“I’m teaching you how to bike.” Ricky stepped to the side with an excited smile.

Behind him, Nina spotted the bike leaning against her fence. She raised an eyebrow. “No, you’re not.”

“Come on, Nini. You can’t spend all your life without knowing how to ride a bike.”

“I’ve been doing fine without.”

“But that’s because you don’t know what you’re missing.”

“And as long as I don’t know, I don’t care.”

Ricky sighed, offering his hand to her. “Please." He begged. "I learned how to ice skate for you.” Nina looked at him. 

A bike was higher than Nina imagined and she felt uncomfortable sitting on the saddle, standing on her tippy toes. From Ricky’s short explanation, biking seemed pretty straightforward, but Nina still stood there, unwilling to move. 

“Come on,” Ricky prompted, “I’m gonna hold you through all of it.”

She turned to him with a glare. “You think I don’t know that’s a ruse? I’m not eight.” His hands were holding the handlebar and the saddle, stabilizing the bike, and Nina felt his arms against her. 

“I promise I won’t let go.”

Nina gasped. “You’re lying to my face!” He gave her a sheepish grin. “And I thought this friendship was built on honesty.”

“This friendship was built on insults and sheer force from authoritative figures.”

Nina took a breath, looking straight at the open road before her. For a moment, she was filled with fierceness, hyping herself to do it. Then, “You know what we haven’t done in a while?” She turned to him with an overexaggerated smile. “A cake. Let’s honor the start of our friendship! Reject modernity, embrace tradition-"

“Nini, just try to stand. You don’t even have to ride.” She sighed, looking down at the pedals. “I’m gonna hold you. Trust me.” 

Finally, Nina raised one foot after the other, setting them down on the pedals, trusting her entire life on Ricky’s arms. She swayed slightly, but quickly became stable. Turning to Ricky, she asked, “Now what?” He smiled proudly.

“Now you pedal.” 

“And you’re not gonna let me go?” 

“Never.” Nina knew it was a lie. Still, she pushed her foot down, and slowly started pedaling. She was going as slow as a pedestrian, trying to get her handlebars under control, the front wheel swaying. Ricky held her through it all, walking beside her, faster and faster as she gained speed. 

When Nina was finally pedaling without problem, balancing the bike on her own, Ricky, as he inevitably would, let her go. His hand on the handlebar left first and Nina screamed, something scared and thrilled at the same time. When the one on the saddle let go, he gave her a slight push, watching her speed down the street and howlering. Nina pedaled and pedaled, the wind in her air, houses becoming nothings beside her. She was infinite. 

Nina closed her eyes for a second, basking in the moment, trying to engrave the feeling of riding a bike for the first time. This felt like core moments, like things that would always be meaningful. Opening her eyes, she turned to Ricky, needing to see him, to see his smile and his cheers and the way his eyes lit up with the most sincere flame, even where she stood feet away, pedaling away from him. 

The second was lost on her and, suddenly, she lost control of the handlebar. Turning back, fear dropping in her stomach like a rock, Nina tried to gain back control. The wheel zigzagged, slipping away from her, and when she looked back at the road, she was too late to see the cat. Screaming, Nina made a sharp turn, and she crashed to the ground, her body scrapping the asphalt, the bike screaming as it hit the street. 

She laid there, blood pumping in her veins, vaguely hearing the sound of shoes hitting the ground. Ricky crashed to his knees beside her, worried out of his mind. 

“Nini! Nini! Are you okay?” She moaned vaguely. “Oh, my God. I’m so, so sorry. This is all my fault.” 

Nina sat up slowly, coming back to herself. Staring into his eyes, she grinned. “That was awesome.” A laughter bubbled out of Ricky and he shot his head back, throwing his arms around her and squeezing her in, as if she was going to slip away from him.

“You scared the shit out of me, Nini.”

She patted his back. “I scared the shit out of me, too.” He chuckled, letting her go, taking advantage of their proximity to examine her face. 

“Oh, God. You’re hurt.”

“Barely.” 

Ricky shook his head, standing up and giving her his hand. “Let’s go patch you up.” 

“What about the bike?”

“Who cares.” Smiling, Nina grabbed his hand, and he held her up. 

Walking back to his house, Nina piped up, “This is what happens when you lie.”

“Shut up.”

While Nina sat on her bathroom sink, Ricky furraged through her moms’ first aid kit. He seemed to find what he was looking for, brandishing cotton and a clear liquid with glee. He walked up to her, making his way between her legs, and Nina tried not to blush as he narrowed his eyes, concentrating on her wounds. 

Nina and Ricky had been close many times before. They had shared spaces and air, had danced and hugged and cuddled and kissed before. Still, none of it quite felt the same as having Ricky between her legs, lips at equal level with hers, close enough that she could rack her hands through his curls and tug him to her, kiss him until she forgot he wasn’t hers. His body felt warm against her. It was a hot day of July and the fact should have bothered her. She should have made a comment, should have pushed him away, should have given herself space to breathe. Instead, Nina welcomed the new heat, feeling herself warm in ways she couldn’t explain. 

“This might hurt.” Nina didn’t even register the words before soaked cotton hit her skin and she flinched, feeling her skin sting. “Sorry.” His smile said otherwise. 

“Was this all part of your masterplan for revenge?”

“What am I taking revenge on exactly?” He added more hydrogen peroxide and dabbed her cheek. Nina wished he would look her in the eyes just so she could see them again. She missed the golden hues of his hazel eyes, missed the way they always seemed to read her. Really, it was a foolish thing to wish for. Surely, if Ricky was to gaze at her, he would definitely guess the filthy thoughts running in her mind. 

“So many options. Ice skating would be the most obvious answer, but it seems a little on the nose.”

“Of course,” Ricky nodded, amused, as he moved to her right arm and cleaned the wound on her shoulder. 

“The time I insulted you in front of your date and she ended up ditching you seems like a fun theory.”

Ricky snorted, moving down her arm. “God, I remember that night. You made the girl think I was seriously deranged.”

“You are.” Her voice faltered as he touched her knees. It was faint, almost like an imagined caress, and he let his fingers travel over her skin delicately. She gulped, and he started dabbing it with cotton. “Or maybe it’s the time I told all your friends you listened to country music.” Her voice sounded far away to her ears, like a whisper.

“To be fair, I was.”

Ricky moved to her other knee and shivers ran up Nina’s back. “You know, I think it’s the time I won the choir competition Sophomore year. You’ve been playing the long game this entire time. This has all been a grand masterplan to get back at me for stealing your dignity.”

Ricky, finally done with cleaning her body, looked up at her. He didn’t move, his hands resting on the side of her thighs lazily, lips at her level, eyes locked into hers. She had gotten what she wished for, but it was so much more than she had ever imagined. Like this, close to her, his eyes didn’t seem hazel or gold. They seemed dark, black, his jaw clenched, and Nina felt her thighs press against his waist. “You got me,” he whispered. God, Nina wanted him to hold on forever.

Ricky chuckled, turning around and throwing away the used cottons, claiming he was gonna get them ice cream as he left the bathroom. Sitting on the sink, Nina felt all alone, missing his body against hers, missing his eyes, missing his lips. 

God, being friends with Ricky Bowen was gonna be harder than she thought. 

__________

High school had been over for less than a month and part of the senior class had already decided to host some sort of reunion. Really, it could barely be called that, as none of them had done any growing in their time apart, and most had kept in contact with everyone they had been close to. Still, a celebration of some kind had been called at a park in the middle of town, and Nina’s friends had unsurprisingly wanted to go. They found the whole concept hilarious, and they prepared food for the picnic with laughter. 

When they arrived at the park, they were not surprised to find very few people had bothered to show up. Outside of the ones that had called the reunion, barely anyone else had come, and the group added their blanket to the mix with slight awkwardness. 

Truthfully, Nina had barely interacted with those people before. She knew their names and recognized their faces, but she could not remember a single conversation they could have had. Feeling the stress of strangers settling in her stomach, Nina opened a seltzer and gulped it down. 

In the corner of her eyes, Nina spotted Cordelia, wearing a flowy white summer dress and big sunglasses resting on top of her blond mane. She looked beautiful, her skin sunkissed and the slightest bit of freckles dotting her cheeks. Nina felt a ball of jealousy growing in her and she gulped it down with more alcohol. 

Once she felt tipsy enough, Nina relaxed, opening a tupperware of hummus and digging into it with her pita bread. She turned to Ricky, smiling with her mouth full. “How do I look?”

Ricky chuckled, sipping on his beer. “You’re about to make everyone here swoon.”

“My exact plan. I figured, since I haven’t talked to any of them ever, perhaps they don’t know that I’m a total loser yet.”

“I think they’ll know from your general vibe.”

Nina gasped, hitting his arm as he broke in fits of laughter. “You’re a mean, mean boy, Richie.”

“I thought you didn’t want me to lie anymore.” She narrowed her eyes at him.

“What are you two giggling about?” Gina asked, dropping beside them with a knowing smile. Soon after, her girlfriend Lily was sitting on her lap, taking a bite of a cold pizza. 

“I think they’re flirting, babe.” Lily smirked and Nina blushed. 

“If you must know,” Ricky said, unbothered, “We are trying to make people here fall in love with Nina.”

“It’s harder than it sounds.” 

Before anyone could refute Nina’s claim, Kourtney stomped over to them, her forehead comically frowned and her hands caricaturally on her hips. “You guys are not mingling.” She said in her terrifying tone. 

“I didn’t know this reunion was for mingling.” 

“It is now. Come on, get off your asses.” 

So reluctantly, they stood up, joining the main group dancing to a rap song, alcohol pumping in their veins, a blunt being passed around a small circle sitting down on a picnic table. As soon as they reached the group, Cordelia moved her graceful hips to Ricky, grabbing his hands despite his unconvincing protests and dancing him away. Nina watched him go, her heart sinking, and sat down on the end of the picnic table, her hands tucked in the jacket she had brought in case the night turned cold. They offered her the joint, but she turned it down with a small shake off the head.

Cordelia was definitely hitting on Ricky hard. She laughed at all his jokes, traveled her hands up and down his arms with faux nonchalance, batted her eyelashes at him seductively. She rolled and swirled around him and Ricky only chuckled, his head thrown back at something she said, his body loose, too happy to care that he was dancing offbeat. Nina watched and watched and she tried to tell herself it all meant nothing, tried to remember the words Ricky told her when they danced together, swaying in each other's arms. None of it rang true in front of the cold, hard truth staring in front of her. Her eyes tearing up, Nina twisted to the circle, smiling. “Can I have a hit after all?”

Nina had been told the name of the people sitting around her, but she did not remember most of them. She still giggled at whatever they said, recounting stories of her own, too gone to even care when someone called her a bunny. 

Her head turned back to look at Ricky, something she always seemed to find herself doing, even when she was high out of her mind, finding him in the same position she had left him, pressed against Cordelia, whispering something in her ear. Nina turned back rapidly, like she had been slapped. 

“What would you guys do if a guy you like is, like, into someone else?” Nina asked the table, not even registering the words had left her mouth. Someone hummed. 

“Depends. Do I really like the guy?”

Nina nodded faintly. “Yeah. You, like, love him or something.”

Someone else winced. “And is the girl pretty?”

“Gorgeous.” 

“Then I’d probably cry and pity myself or some dumb shit.” A giggle rang through the group. 

“I usually get jealous when people I like are with other people. There’s not much I can do though,” someone else answered. 

A girl huffed. “Bullshit. A pawn can always be moved. Just go on the offensive.” 

“You’re so fucking crazy, Carly.”

“Hey, I’m just saying. If you look pretty and alluring and cool, men will fall into your lap. It’s basic science.”

A boy tsked. “You know nothing.” He turned to Nina. “Don’t listen to her. Just tell him how you feel.”

“That’s so fucking scary.” 

He grinned. “Yep. But he won't know if you don't do it.”

His eyes were challenging, as if he didn’t believe she would do it, and a cheeky smile settled on his lips. Nina narrowed her eyes at him, a decided look taking over her, and she grabbed her guts and sprung from the table. She walked to Ricky purposefully, not even thinking of the words she would tell him, only of the fierceness and courage pooling in her belly. 

Nina was almost to him when she heard it. “Can I be honest with you, Ricky?” Cordelia asked, voice all sultry, and Nina stopped in her tracks. 

Ricky frowned, taking a sip of his drink. “Sure.”

“I always thought you were really hot.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” she grinned, confident, as if she wasn’t even ashamed of the confession. “I kind of always had a little crush on you.” Nina’s skin burned.

“I… never knew that.”

“Yeah,” Cordelia giggled, tucking a brand of hair behind her ear. “Do you want to, like… go out sometime? See if there’s something there?” Nina’s insides melted. She could not stay here.

Turning on her feet, she ran off, trying to leave behind Cordelia and her perfect smile and her perfect wavy blond hair and the perfect boy she held in her clutches. Nina’s heart was beating out of her chest, screaming to her to leave, to get as far away as the memory of Ricky and Cordelia pressing against each other as possible. 

Nina was getting tired of running. It felt like all she had been doing these days, running and running, fleeing behind everything, as if it worked, as if it was sustainable. She stopped behind a tree, setting her hand on it as she tried to catch her breath, tears filling up her eyes. 

“Fuck,” Nina cursed, kicking the tree with her foot. “Fuck, fuck, fuck. You’re so fucking stupid, Nini.” She kicked and kicked, before dropping down, sitting on the fresh grass, the bark of the tree digging against her back. 

Nina stared at her shoes, tears filling her eyes, unable to cry. Maybe she was too high to cry. Maybe she was all cried out. Maybe her body had gotten tired of her, had gone on strike, had stopped listening to whatever pathetic heartbreak she had that day. 

“There you are.” Fate had a twisted sense of humor, always sending Ricky to her when she tried as hard as she could to escape him. Nina didn’t even bother to look up at him. Still, he sat down beside her. “Did you see Jack Trent just arrived? EJ got totally awkward.” Nina stayed silent, so he continued, “I can’t believe they haven’t seen each other since prom. I don’t even get what happened between them.”

“Maybe EJ is in love with you and he can’t commit to anyone else.” Nina whispered, her foot digging in the grass, and Ricky snorted. 

“Believe me, I was not that memorable.” 

Nina refused to meet his eyes. Nonchalantly, she said, “A lot of people seem to like you, though.” It was his turn to stay silent. Finally, Nina looked up, turning to stare into his eyes. “Like Cordelia.”

He breathed out shamefully. “You saw that.” 

“Cordelia is a great girl.” Nina smiled faintly. “She’s pretty and funny and kind. I’m sure you two will get along great.”

“I don’t like Cordelia like that.” Nina’s heart fluttered with hope.

“Oh.” Nina tried to act cool, but she was too happy to hide her grin. “Really?”

“Yeah. I don’t even know her, really.”

“Okay, good.” Nina froze, realizing what just came out of her mouth, and quickly added, “Good for you for recognizing your feelings and all that.” Before Ricky could say anything, which from the look of his grin he clearly was about to, Nina asked, “Do you think water is wet?”

Ricky burst in laughter, shaking his head in disbelief. “You’re too high for this shit.”

Nina whipped to him in offense, mouth gaped. “No, I’m not.”

“Then I’m too drunk for this.” He stood up, offering her his hands. “Come on, let’s go.”

“Why don’t you want to answer the question?”

“Because I don’t want to fight.”

“You don’t even know we’re gonna fight unless we answer the question.” Nina said, crossing her arms, stubbornly staying down. Ricky sighed, hands still in the air, waiting. 

“Fine. I think water is wet.” Nina gasped.

“No, it is not, you absolute idiot. Think about it, if water is wet then-”

“What did I say?” Ricky said, an amused smile still on his lips. She stuck her tongue out. “Let’s go.”

“Will you buy me chocolate milk if I go?”

“All the chocolate milk you want.” Smiling, Nina took his hand.

__________

“It’s decided: I’m gonna bake a bread.” Nina looked up from her book to glance at Ashlyn in the kitchen, already wrapping an apron around her body. 

“Have you ever done it before?”

“No.” Ashlyn twisted around, searching the pantry.

“You do know we don’t have internet, right? You can’t look it up?”

Ashlyn turned back with a wide grin, reaching for a book and brandishing it with pride. “They have a cooking book.” Nina shook her head with a smile, looking back down at her book as Ashlyn’s project made rumbling noises close to her. 

Gina came down the stairs in her pretty flowy dress, completely inappropriate for the wild forest life surrounding them. Soon after, she had joined Ashlyn’s bread baking, excited about the prospect of furthering her cottagecore aesthetic. Bread baking seemed to mostly consist of chatting about a show’s newest season as the yeast activate. Once Gina popped out the tequila, Nina knew it was her time to leave. She loved her friends very much, but she knew if she stayed longer she would be roped into the bread project, and considering their mental state was soon about to decline, Nina was gonna end up doing all the baking by herself. 

Stepping out to the patio, she crashed beside Big Red on the swing, opening her book as he knitted quietly. 

“What are you reading?” Big Red had always been chatty, and with his undying curiosity, Nina was not surprised he could not help himself from asking her questions. 

“The Scarlet Letter."

“Very snob. I’m sure you’ll impress many soft boys at NYU with this.”

“That’s the goal, really,” Nina smiled, letting her feet push them. “Marry some poor guy with a philosophy degree who says is a leftist but is casually misogynistic.”

Big Red hummed. “I see you’ve thought about this a lot.”

Nina sighed dramatically, turning her nose back to her book. “I just figured it was time for a Pierre in my life.”

“His name is Pierre?”

Before Nina could add anything, a weird scream came from the kitchen, and Nina froze. She turned to Big Red. “Let’s go before we get roped in bread world.”

“I have no idea what this means.” Still, he stood up, following after her as she sped down the stairs. She made her way down the small rock path that led to the lake, walking up the deck. EJ and Ricky were in the water, splashing each other like little kids, and Kourtney, Seb and Carlos were tanning on the length of the deck, although the shadows from the tall trees did not help their purposes. Walking to the end of the deck while carefully avoiding the bodies, she plopped down a chair, crossing a leg and pulling her head back in her book. Big Red took no hesitation before running down the deck and jumping in the water.

Nina’s chance to read was short lived before EJ came to the end of the deck, resting his arms on it. “Come in the water, Nina. It feels great.”

“I’m reading.”

Ricky swam up to them. “You’re such a nerd.” 

“Nuh-huh, this is all actually a ploy to get married to a Pierre.” Big Red screamed.

“Will I be invited to the wedding?” Ricky smirked and Nina narrowed her eyes at him.

“Not with this attitude you won’t.” He gasped, splashing water at her. She let out a squeal. “Now you’re definitely not getting invited.”

“Don’t worry, bro,” EJ said with a smile. “You can be my plus one.”

“Eugene Judah, you are officially uninvited, you traitor.”

Ricky pushed himself from the deck, swimming on his back. “Come on, nerd. Come in the water.” Nina sighed. Fate seemed to have decided she was not definitely not gonna read her book. Mumbling curses, she uncrossed her legs, stripped of her clothes, and jumped in the water with the howlers of her friends. 

She swam up to Ricky with a grin. He smirked at her, something smug and teasing, and before he could say anything, she dunk him under with a laugh bubbling out of her chest. 

They stayed in the water until Gina and Ashlyn announced the bread was finally ready, calling them to taste test. Climbing out of the water, Nina rushed to steal Ricky’s towel, running away with it on her back. 

“Come back here, you thief,” Ricky, wet and cold, shivering on the deck, screamed after her. 

She twisted and laughed in his face. “Come and catch me.” As soon as she saw him take a step, Nina screamed, flipping around and running. He chased after her, his long legs catching up with her quickly, laughing at her. She squealed, changing her strategy to outrun him, running around the table and her friends to confuse him. Unfortunately, it seemed like a poor plan, as Ricky encircled her with his arms and trapped her. She groaned miserably and he laughed, victorious shaking his hair to wet her with the droplets.

"I caught you."

"I let you win." With a up of her nose, Nina gave him his towel back.

“You guys are children,” Carlos said, sitting down on a patio chair with grace. 

Ashlyn stood in front of them with a slightly nervous smile. “Ok, before we take the bread out, let’s all remember this is our first bread ever.” Worried expressions took over their faces. “Also, you are obligated to taste it no matter what it looks like.” They opened their mouths to interject, but Gina came out of the house with a flat and burnt bread (at least, Nina assumed it was). 

Gina dropped it on the table unceremoniously. “Feast, children.” They all tentatively grabbed a piece, wrestling with the bread to cut a slice. 

Plopping it in her mouth, Nina found it strangely sour, and impossible to chew. She grimaced, stopping her mouth before she broke a tooth. “Mmmmmh…” Nina hummed, her mouth full, “Yummy.” Beside her, Ricky spat in a napkin. “Cottagecore aesthetic achieved.”

As Gina started defending her bread with passion, Seb quickly stood up to start on dinner. They all sat crowded around the table as he brought out pasta, and they giggled as they ate, the bread long forgotten from anyone's minds, disregarded to the ground to feed some poor unsuspecting animal.

The night stretched out in front of their eyes and they opted to move, gathering around the fire to fight the slight chill, sitting in a circle on the exterior chairs. Drinks in hand and chatting about nothings, Carlos let out a dramatic groan. They turned to him, frowning. 

“I wanna do something,” he moaned, his head rolling on the back of his chair. Suddenly, he spurted up, his face brightened by an idea. “Let’s play a game.” Nina snorted. 

“What game?” Shouts resonated around the circle as everyone threw propostions and were then promptly shut down. It was hard to find a game when they all knew each other so well. They were no truths to dig out of their mouths by force, no unknown activies to shockingly discovered. Finally, they opted for Ashlyn's propostion, a game of _Who's most likely?_

“Ok, I have one,” Gina, sitting on a chair with her legs tucked in a blanket, sat up a little. “Who’s most likely to die first?” A fiery debate started, opposing if it was Ricky or EJ. Finally, Nina reminded them Ricky did not eat fruits, and he was forced to drink. 

“Who’s most likely to get married first?” Without any debate, Seb and Carlos both drank, some sick adored smile on their faces as they clinked their cans like it was champagne flutes. 

“Who’s most likely to get divorced a week into their marriage?” Kourtney howlered and chugged her drink. 

“Who’s most likely to give advice?” They all pointed to Seb and he took a sip with a shy grin.

“Who’s most likely to kill someone?” Gina didn’t even have to wait for their answer to drink.

“Who’s most likely to help cover up the body?” Gina pointed at Kourtney, cheering, and she gulped down her seltzer tea. 

“Who’s most likely to be a simp?” Looking around the circle with considering eyes, filtering all options, they all finally decided for Ricky. 

“Who’s most likely to name their kids something we’ll all make fun of?” Names were dropped around, fingers were pointed accusingly, everyone had been nominated and no one was winning. 

“Nina wants to name her kid Cassopeia,” Ricky revealed and Nina gasped, throwing an empty can of white claw at him, which tragically missed. 

“It’s a pretty name,” Nina refuted. “Not worse than Sky, surely,” she continued, giving a pointed glare to Ashlyn. 

“I don’t know, it’s pretty nerdy. A little snob, even. I feel like we’d definitely make fun of you forever for that.” Ricky defended and whispers of approval surrounded the room. Nina gasped at their approvals, a betrayed offense coming out of her mouth. 

“I hate you, Bowen.” Nina grumbled, before turning to Big Red. “Before I drink, how likely is it you’ll name your kid Big Red the fourth?”

“Unlikely.”

“Fuck.” Nina chugged her drink, giving the finger to Ricky as she was done. He snorted. “Ok, ok." Nina looked back at him which challenge, unwilling to let him win. "Who’s most likely to be late to everything?” Giving a faux smile, Ricky drank. 

With defying eyes, he said, “Who’s most likely to be driven everywhere?” She narrowed her eyes at him and sipped her drink. 

Nina opened her mouth to add something, but Gina quickly cut her, “If you guys want to do specific questions I’m down, but don’t be pussies about it.” She turns to Big Red with a smirk. “Who’s most likely to cry after sex?”

He gasped, raising his drink. “It was one time, Gina.” He drank bitterly.

With a snort, Kourtney asked, “Who’s most likely to be cheated on?” With the same affront, Ashlyn drank. 

“Who’s most likely to ghost someone they like?” Ricky asked, turning to EJ with pointed eyes. They all laughed, cheering him to drink. 

EJ reluctantly drank and when Ricky opened his mouth to ask further questions, he looked at Ricky with challenge, cutting him off, “Who’s most likely to have slept with me?” Ricky drank. 

Explosions rang around the forest. Everyone screamed, jumping out of their chairs in surprise, confusion and amusement running through them. Nina sat there, slapping a hand to her mouth in shock, a smile hiding underneath.

“You guys slept together?” 

They didn’t have time to answer that another question came. “When?”

“Why didn’t you tell us?”

“Was it good?”

“How did this happen?”

“You slept with my cousin?” 

Gina turned to Nina with suspicious eyes, clocking her. “Why aren’t you more surprised?”

Before Nina could answer, Ricky said, “Because she already knew.” Screams resonated around the circle again.

Gina flipped to Ricky with faux anger. “You told your archnemesis before you told me, your very best friend?”

He scratched the back of his hair sheepishly. “Yeah…” As the initial shock dissipated, everyone slowly sat down, asking pointed questions about this recent revelation.

EJ slapped his knees, standing up, “Well, now that my work here is done, I’m gonna go to sleep.”

“Sure you don’t want Ricky to come with you?” Carlos called after him with a cheeky smirk and both boys concerned flipped him off. 

After the high of the revelation, people slowly started to make their way back to the cabin, finding the various bedrooms they had split between them to fall asleep tucked against someone. In the end, as they always seemed to find themselves, Nina and Ricky sat alone around the dying fire. 

He stood up silently, walking to her and crashing on the chair beside hers. She smiled to him. 

“Your secret is out.” 

“Eh,” he waved her off, “it was bound to happen.” 

“I could have gone without the explicit retell of the event.”

“You loved it.” 

Wordlessly, as they always seemed to be doing when they were alone under the sky, Ricky and Nina looked up to the stars. It was a beautiful night, uncovered by any clouds, staring back at them without shame the freckles of the universes. Nina smiled, tracing in her mind the constellations she knew so well. 

“I can’t believe you said Cassiopeia was an ugly name.”

“I didn’t say it was ugly,” Ricky answered back with a teasing smile, “Just that you would be mocked for it.” Nina shook her head, but didn’t say anything.

Slowly, eyes still drawn to the sky, Nina whispered, “Can you still spot Heathers?” 

“Yes.” He pointed to the sky. “The stars that form a kite beside Draco. I always spot it when I stargaze.” Heathers was the constellation they had created months ago, when they were closer to enemies than friends, and it warmed Nina with something inexplicable to know she wasn’t the only one who thought about it. Who remembered it. Ricky turned to her, but she didn’t dare look back. Softly, he said, “I think you might have been right after all. There’s something special about creating your own constellations. It’s cool to see the same drawings in the sky people have seen for thousands of years, but this one, It’s just for us. No one else can see Heathers.” 

Something in Nina bloomed. The words felt poetic, meaningful, and she felt herself burn with hope. But she remembered the feeling, remembered the bitter aftertaste, remembered the sweet lies it whispered to her heart. This time, she would not let herself be enthralled by hope and heartbroken by the truth. With a playful smirk, still refusing to meet his eyes, Nina said, “Remember this next time you try to tell me I’m wrong.” Ricky snorted. 

“Nini,” Ricky trailed, sounding shy and nervous, and she finally looked at him with a frown. Her name never sounded like that in his mouth. “Do you…” He let out a breath, chuckling at himself. “I mean, I’m going to see my mom next week, and I was wondering if…” He stared at her, hope in his eyes, “If you wanted to come with me?”

Nina did not know what she expected at the end of that sentence, but it certainly wasn’t that. “Like, going to visit your mom with you?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you sure?”

“Certain. I don’t think I can handle my mom without moral support. Plus, it’ll be fun. We’ll do a little roadtripping, a little touristing, a spoonful of interacting with Lynne.”

Nina hummed. “If I go, will you tell her how you feel?” 

Ricky stayed in silence. “Yes.”

Nina grinned widely. “Well, I’ve always wanted an occasion to punch your mom in the face. I’m in.”


	23. chapter twenty-three

Nina did not bring a bag to Chicago, she brought a suitcase, which made her feel completely different. She had been to places with Ricky, shoved clothes down her pink backpack before jumping in the passenger seat, the laughters of her friends ringing in her ears. She had never, however, meticulously planned outfits and carefully packed them in a suitcase she had to dig out from her basement, kissing her mothers goodbye for a whole entire week. It felt almost strange to pack the trunk, off to some sort of vacation with Ricky Bowen of all people.

Nina walked up to the passenger door, leaning her forearms against the opened window as she watched Ricky furiously texting on his phone. He had a furrow between his eyebrows, but he was wearing a thick pair of sunglasses and Nina couldn't see the wrinkles in the corner of his eyes he always got when he was particularly troubled.

“Obsessed stalker?” Nina asked playfully, and Ricky looked up in surprise, before giving her a nonchalant grin.

“Nah, you’re right there.” It took an effort for Nina to snort. It was the kind of quip they had always shared, but it felt a little too true these days. “Mom,” Ricky finished as she opened the door, settling in the seat. He said it casually, but Nina knew the weight in the word. 

“What’s going on?”

“She just-” He breathed out in frustration. “She planned the whole week out with stupid things I don’t want to do.”

“At least she’s trying, right?”

He shook his head bitterly, starting the car and driving out of Nina’s driveway. “That’s not how Lynne Smith works. She plans things and then ditches.” 

Nina felt the sting of his words and she was glad she had come after all. Although the idea had kept her up lots of nights, wondering what Ricky and her would do together in an unknown city for a whole week, she knew for certain he needed the support. Ricky was a lot of things, but he was still just a kid hurt by his mother, too used to it to realize the horror of his words. 

“You should tell her about that.”

“What?”

“Her planning and ditching. How it hurts to have your mom leave you behind. She needs to know, Ricky. You can’t bottle it up forever.” 

Ricky sighed, averting his eyes. Although they were stuck on the road, which really was the safe way to drive, she knew him too well to not understand he was actively trying to avoid her stare. After all, Nina could not remember a single drive she didn’t have to push Ricky’s head in direction of the front window. 

“I won’t.” Nina opened her mouth, feeling words clinging at her throat trying to come out. Words of encouragement, supportive phrases, comforting sentences, insults of Lynne Smith. Ricky was too quick, breathing out a laugh and cutting her off. “20 hours of road and we manage to talk about my mom in the very first minute.” Nina smiled at him, taking the hint. 

“Fine, you still haven’t explained why you wrongly think water is wet.” A roaring laugh escaped out of Ricky’s mouth and Nina would say anything to hear it again. 

__________

They lasted five hours before they absolutely had to stop at a sleazy 7/11 in the middle of nowhere, Wyoming. Nina jumped out of the car before it was fully stopped, running to the bathroom with a squeal. Once she was done, she walked the small store and chose provisions for the rest of the drive, filling her arms with chips and cookies and energy drinks. The cashier eyed her up as he scanned her items, and Nina had to force herself not to look down in shame. He was in his early thirties and sported a terrible goatee. 

“I don’t think I’ve seen you before.” He held her last item, a dragon tea Monster, Ricky's favorite, in his hands, and Nina slightly felt like being taken hostage. Still, she smiled warmly at him.

“Yeah, this is my first time in Wyoming. Roadtrip and all.” He laughed, but still didn’t scan her energy drink.

“My name’s Billy.” 

“Oh.” She nodded faintly, giving him a straight lips smile. “Um, I’m Nina.” 

“What a lovely name.”

“Thank you,” Nina giggled nervously. “So, how much will it-”

Billy finally scanned the Monster and Nina felt relief wash over her. “Has anyone ever told you you’re gorgeous?” She tensed again. 

Blushing slightly and tugging a piece of hair behind her shoulder, Nina silently answered, “Once or twice I believe.” Before he could add another terrible flirtatious line, she asked, “So what’s my total?”

“$30.45.” This time, Billy was the one to cut her. “So how old are you, Nina?” 

Nina froze. Before she could answer, the bell at the door rang. “Babe, are you coming back soon?” Even though he spoke to her, Ricky was standing at the door, staring down Billy.

“In a minute, honey,” Nina answered quickly, looking back at the cashier with a smile. “He gets impatient. So, how much?” Billy nodded awkwardly, muttering her total back to her.

Although Billy had clearly backed off her, Ricky still made its way to the counter, swinging his arms over Nina’s shoulders and tugging her to him. Against her own wishes, she blushed, feeling his warmth invade hers. 

“Did you take the brownies like I asked you to, love?”

With an exaggerated eyeroll, Nina spoke, “Of course, kitten.” Ricky narrowed her eyes at him, before flicking his eyes at the cashier and giggling like a schoolgirl.

“Sweetie, don’t call me that in public.” He booped her nose. Then, he looked back at Billy, who seemed to wish to be anywhere but here. “She loves embarrassing me.” 

Turning her head to the poor cashier, she gave him the same conspiracious smile as she handed him the money. “He loves when I embarrass him.” 

Giving her change back, Billy nodded awkwardly. “You guys have a safe trip.” 

“You too, Bills,” Nina singsung as she walked out the door, bag of snacks in hands and Ricky’s arms still tightly coiled around her. She was too comfortable to point to him they didn’t need to keep up the ruse anymore. 

Laughing like children, they made their way back to the car, still giggling furiously when they clasped their seat belts back on. 

“I would pay to see his face again,” Ricky finally said, wiping the corner of his eyes. 

“I hope he’ll never hit on a girl alone in his store again after this.”

“With the way he was trying to burrow himself into the ground and disappear, I think he’ll think about it at least twice.” 

Laughs settling down into happy sighs and smiles, breaths ragged, Nina looked at Ricky with a grin. “Thanks for saving me, kitten.” 

Ricky snorted. “Any day, babe.” With this, they drove away. 

__________

The drive was another six hours before they stopped at a cheap motel in Nebraska. By then, they had been too tired to talk, and had instead stared out the window as soft music lulled between them. It had been comfortable, relaxing, and Nina wondered if there was a moment in her life she wouldn't feel at home when with Ricky. 

The lady at the counter was chewing on gum loudly, filing her nails absentmindedly as she watched a rerun of some soap opera on the tiny TV in the corner. She didn’t bother to look at them when they stopped at the counter, so Ricky pressed the bell with a tight smile. 

“Can I help you?”

“We’d like a room, please.” She didn’t bother looking at them as she handed them a key, shushing them when they tried to say thank you. 

They had Room 6 and made their way there with slow steps, exhaustion settling into their bones now that they were off the road and in a vertical position. 

“I think I’ll pass out and not even care the number of people who had sex on the bed.” Ricky muttered, holding in his hands a travel bag with their pyjamas and a change of clothes for tomorrow. 

“Or died,” Nina added, before a yawn cut her off. 

They opened the door eagerly, flinging it to find staring back at them a single bed. They stood there in surprise. 

“Oh.” Nina finally said. “Well.”

“You know what,” Ricky started, dropping the bag on the floor, “I don’t even care.” He ran to the bed and jumped on it, sighing in appreciation. “It feels like rocks.” 

“You’re really selling this motel.” Nina closed the door, before awkwardly staring at the bed. Was she supposed to sleep on it? Or leave him the comfort of the bed as he was the one who had been driving for ten hours, taking the floor like the lady she was. Before she could overthink, Ricky rolled to his belly, leaving half the bed free for her. She smiled faintly, climbing on it. 

It took some coaxing out of Ricky to convince him to change into pyjamas, affirming sleeping with his shoes would only make this bed more dirty, and the bed had clearly seen enough war in its life. Grumpy, he took his boots and pants off, slipping under the covers with a groan. Nina shook her head, a tight smile on her lips she seemed incapable of wiping off whenever Ricky was concerned. She did her night routine, and slipped under the covers beside him. 

“Thanks for coming,” Ricky mumbled, half asleep.

“Thanks for inviting me.” 

“No, really. I don’t know what I would do without you.” With this, he rolled to his side, tugging Nina to him, his arm falling over her waist, and Nina fell asleep smiling in his arms. 

_________

They arrived in Chicago the next day at around eight pm. Nina could see the further Ricky was driving into the city, the more jittery he became. His knee bounced up and down to a frantic rhythm, his hands racked through his curls more times than necessary, his eyes flicked to his cellphone, checking for his messages at every red light. 

“This is it,” Nina finally said, because Ricky was clearly not gonna be the one to broach the subject first. “Chicago. Lynne. Todd.”

“Yup.” He nodded tightly. “Exciting stuff.” 

Nina bit her lip. “So what did your mom plan for us?” 

“Dinners in fancy restaurants, museums I’ve already seen, parks and observations deck, The Bean, other stupid things. She really went all out this year when she found out I was bringing a friend.” Ricky sounded bitter, and his voice strained with stress, his eyes running wild between the buildings of the streets they were driving too slowly in to really be Ricky Bowen behind the wheel. 

Nina grabbed his hand, squeezing it. He glanced at her. “I’m here.”

Breathing in, Ricky let out, “I know.”

__________

“Hi! It’s so good to see you!” Lynne enveloped Ricky in her arms, holding him in a tight hug with a smile too crisp to be a hundred percent genuine, and Ricky patted her back awkwardly.

“Nice to see you, too, Mom.” 

Turning her eyes to Nina, she gave her an inviting smile, which already felt more real. “And you must be Nini.” She handed her hand and Nina shook it, a shy grin on her lips, her eyes flicking to Ricky. 

“It’s Nina, Mom.” Ricky mumbled, annoyed, and Lynne gasped, her hand covering her mouth. 

“I’m so sorry, Nina.”

“No worries,” she waved her off with a light grin, “Lots of people call me Nini.” _One_.

“Here, let me show you your room.” Lynne grabbed Nina’s suitcase against her objections and she twisted around, climbing up the stairs. It was a cute house in a trendy neighborhood of Chicago. The decoration was pretty, but lacked that worn-in feeling houses that had been habited for a long time usually got. 

“Here’s your room.” Lynne pushed the door open. Nina knew this was usually Ricky’s, who was now casted away to the couch, but it did not feel like it. There were no decorations, no mess, no clothes hanging everywhere like the one back in Salt Lake had. The only token that this was lived in was the picture of Ricky and his mom when he was still a small kid framed on the bedside table. Really, it was as much of a guest room as Ricky’s, and Nina felt like it belonged to her as much as it belonged to him.

Still, Nina gave Lynne a tight smile. “It’s really pretty.” 

She dropped the suitcase on the ground, sighing contentedly as she came back up. “This is gonna be a good week,” Lynne affirmed. 

“Sure.” 

Ricky came behind them, holding his own bag. “Do you mind if I put this in your room?” _It’s not my room,_ Nina thought, but it wasn’t even that true. 

“Go ahead.” She moved to the side, and he dropped it right beside hers. Instead of walking out, he sat on the bed. 

“Gosh, you guys must be so hungry,” Lynne exclaimed, clearly trying to break the silence. 

“Nah, we ate on the way. We’re mostly tired. A lot of road and all.”

“I could have paid for your plane tickets, Ricky.” 

He sighed, opening his mouth like he had something to say, before firing down. “We’re just gonna chill here.”

“Suit yourselves.” Her smile was crisp again and she turned around, leaving the room. It wasn’t lost on Nina that she had kept the door pointedly ajar. 

She rolled her eyes as she sat down beside Ricky, the sudden weight making the bed creak. “So that was Lynne.”

“In the flesh.” 

Nina stayed silent. She knew there were no words to say. Still, she took his hands, and they sat there on his - her - anyone’s bed, hand in hand, unspoken words understood.

Todd, however, was quite charming. He laughed loudly, made some jokes she never fully understood, and was never as uncomfortable with the teenagers in his house than Lynne, who was clearly hiding some discomfort. He was the one truly trying to break the tension, but Ricky stared at him murderously just the same.

After they ordered, Lynne grabbed her glass of wine, smiling. “So. Tell me everything.” 

Ricky did not smile back at her. “You’re gonna have to be a little more precise than that.”

“School, your friends, all of that.” It dawned on Nina that Lynne had said everything because she truly did not know _anything_. There were no pointed questions, no updates to ask. She was a mother meeting a stranger. 

“Well, my musical went well.”

“Oh, yes, I heard it was great!” Lynne gushed, but Nina really did not know from whom she could have heard it from. “I’m so sorry I couldn’t come. I really wanted to, but I just couldn’t make the time to fly back to Salt Lake.”

“You were playing JD, right?” Todd asked. Nina wondered if he was trying to diffuse the situation Lynne's question clearly would have started. Ricky did not bother to answer, simply nodded faintly. He turned to Nina. “And were you in it?”

“Um, yeah,” Nina nodded, tucking a brand of hair behind her ear. “I was Veronica.” 

“Oh, you guys played the leads together, that’s adorable.” Dinner was served right at this moment, and Nina was glad for she did not know how to answer her. Still, when their plates were put in front of them, Lynne continued. “Is that how you two met?”

“Kind of.”

“Kind of?” Todd perked. “That’s interesting.”

“She’s from East High.” Ricky finally spoke, but did not offer more information. 

Lynne seemed almost surprised, turning to Nina with her mouth agaped. “You’re a bunny?”

“A Easter, yeah.”

Todd chuckled awkwardly, cutting into his meat. “Kind of lost here.”

“Oh,” Lynne giggled, covering her mouth in apology. “It’s this old high school rivalry. Stupid stuff, but it mattered a lot back then.” 

Todd turned back to them. “So you guys were rivals?”

“Something like that.” Nina chuckled, her eyes flicking to Ricky who seemed like he’d rather be anywhere else. “We weren’t each other’s biggest fan, let’s just say.” 

“That _is_ adorable,” Lynne exclaimed, taking a bite of rice. “I remember the pranks I used to play on Easters. I TPed the principal’s house once, like an old teen movie cliche.” 

With this, Ricky perked up, sitting up straighter. “Really?” 

“Yeah. I was a pretty bad girl back then.” She said with a mischievious smirk, and it vaguely sounded like boasting. 

Ricky, surprisingly, asked for more details, and soon they were having an actually interesting conversation, no tense undertones. Lynne told them about everything the rivalry looked like in her days, and they shared back their recent memories of the types of shenanigans people got into these days. They laughed, asked about teachers and classes, about the musical and the friends they had met there. It all felt deliciously normal. 

__________

It started with an innocent question. They’re gathered in the kitchen, cooking dinner together like a semblance of a family, moving around each other as people pointed to whatever ingredient they needed. Ricky and Lynne were forming an united team, preparing together the iconic lasagna of his childhood.

Nina was herself in charge of the salad, and she was preparing the dressing when she asked curiously. “So how did you guys meet?”

Todd, who was mostly watching the kitchen and doing very little cooking, smiled, something warm at the memories. “It was years ago. I was visiting Salt Lake for business and I stumbled onto Lynne at the grocery market.”

“Aw,” Nina hummed, grinning widely at Todd, “A meet cute.” She loved romance, loved the idea of two strangers reaching for the same apple and falling in love in the fruit aisle. 

Lynne snorted. “He literally _stumbled_ onto me. I was just minding my business, choosing my ice cream, and he rammed into me with his cart.”

“I apologized!”

“My shins still hurt.”

Todd threw at her a discarded cucumber. “No, they don’t.”

Lynne leaned towards Nina and gave her a conspiracious look. “Love at first sight, as you can see.” 

Nina giggled, shaking her head. It felt like some kind of meeting her and Ricky could have had, in another life. Maybe in that one, he would love her back, would whisper apologies every time she teased him about her phantom pain, even though he doesn’t really mean it and neither does she, because it was this violent collision that brought them in each other’s life. Nina’s joy lulled, a melancholic smile tugging on her lips. These days, it seemed like she was always imagining other ways to meet Ricky, better ways, ways with better outcomes. 

“When was this,” Ricky whispered, his eyes still fixed on the tomatoes he was cutting. 

“Oh, gosh, what?” Lynne turned to Todd with a slight frown. “Seven years ago?”

“Around that, I think.” 

Ricky nodded, keeping silent, but Nina could see the tension in his shoulders, the freeze of his limbs, and she halted her movements. Something was wrong. 

Turning to him, she murmured softly, “Ricky?”

His knife was in the air. He seemed frozen in place, staring at his tomatoes. Then, he racked his throat, starting his preparation again. “What about dad?” He said it casually, but his words dripped with meaning. 

Lynne frowned. “What about Mike?”

Finally, Ricky turned to her, his eyes burning. “Seven years ago, you were still with Dad.” The room fell silent, cold seeping in with just a few words. They didn't dare move as the wind was knocked from their ribs, hearts beating.

“It’s complicated.”

Ricky scoffed, dropping his knife. “Did you cheat on Dad?”

“No,” Lynne exclaimed, twisting towards him. “Not physically, anyway.”

His eyebrows furrowed in anger. “What does that mean?”

“It means that it’s complicated, Richard. Me and Mike… It was over before we ended things.” 

Ricky crossed his arms, his whole body clenching. Nina couldn’t help but see him as a little child putting on armor, using his tense posture to show confidence he did not have, to defend himself. “So how long were you in love with someone else before you decided to break up with him and put him out of his misery?”

Lynne sighed, taking a step towards him, but he gave her a glowering look and she stopped. “We were married a long time, Ricky,” her voice was strained. If Nina could see her face, she would think there were tears prickling at her eyes. “And we had you. It wasn’t that simple.”

“And you had me?” Ricky screamed. Nina felt the words hit her heartstrings, and she wanted to reach out to him, soothe the furrow between his brows. “That didn’t seem to matter to you when you fucking abandonned me!” Lynne tensed, as if she had been slapped, but Ricky was on a roll. “I mean, I don’t see you. I don’t talk to you. I don’t know you. And you don’t know me.” Tears were threatening his eyes, and Nina felt her own water with the break of his voice. “You didn’t care about me when you moved 20 hours away and pretended I was only your son once a year.” 

“I know,” Lynne broke out, her voice rasped by the tears. “I know I’ve been a terrible mom. I just didn’t know how to act around you after the divorce and…”

“So you left?” Ricky cried, voice thick with emotion, his face shaking, his lips trembling. His whole body was clenched, the only thing keeping from breaking down. “So you let me feel like shit thinking I was the one that made you leave.” 

“I never meant for this…” 

“But you did it! You did it and…” It all came down around him, tears streaming down his eyes, falling like his last resolt, an ugly sob piercing his throat. “You did and I hate you for it. I’m tired of all your bullshits. This whole week, it’s all just been pretend. I know that as soon as I come home, you forget all about me. And you know what? I don’t even care anymore. Forget me.” 

With this, Ricky whipped around, grabbing his skateboard and fleeing the house. It was the first time Nina was on the other side of a run away, and she almost felt sorry for all the times she ran from him. She dried the corner of her eyes, tears seeping through her defenses.

The whole room was pulsing with silence, tension thick. Lynne sobbed, crashing down on a chair, crying and crying. Todd went to her, caressed her back affectionately, tearing up just like the rest of them.

“It’s okay. He’ll come back.” Lynne shook her head faintly. 

Nina stared at her, not knowing quite what to do or say, especially when her blood was boiling at the sight of Lynne, there, safe, when Ricky was out there all alone. She raised her eyes to her, meeting Nina’s, her lips trembling. Lynne let out a wet chuckle. “You must hate me.” 

“You’re not my favorite person.” Nina whispered. Wordlessly, she made her way to the table, sitting on the chair in front of Lynne. Although her stare was piercing Nina, she stubbornly faced the wall, showing her cheek to the woman she did not want to face. “I used to hate Ricky,” Nina said, quietly, her eyes fixing the still-life portraits they had hung to the walls. “Couldn’t stand the sight of him,” Nina let a small chuckle out, shaking her head. “But I remember seeing him, sitting in a bathroom, crying to his archnemesis about how he made his mom leave. And it broke my heart.” Her eyes finally met Lynne’s. “You broke my heart. And you broke his. And you broke everything on your path. And I think you know.” Nina’s voice was aching. “And I don’t think you care.” 

“Of course I care,” Lynne breathed out. “I never meant for any of this.”

“You did it anyway.” 

Lynne sighed, sitting back on the chair. Quietly, she asked, “Do you think he’ll ever forgive me?”

“I don’t know. And I don’t know if he should.” Nina stared at Lynne. “But you can’t stop trying. Even if he pushes you away, you have to show him you care, no matter what.”

She nodded, biting her lower lip to keep the new tears attacking her at bay. Todd rubbed her shoulders again, shaking her slightly. “Let’s go find him, Lynne.” 

Lynne stood, taking a few steps, hand in hand with Todd. She stopped in her tracks, turning to Nina. “What is he like?”

Nina’s lips curled in a smile, one she always had when she thought of Ricky. “He’s funny. And he’s fearless. And he cares so much about his friends. He’s passionate and fierce and driven. And he tries so hard, even if it doesn’t seem like it. He’s always there to listen, always understands. He’s so many things.” Nina looked deep into Lynne’s eyes. “You’re really missing out.” 

Lynne opened his mouth, as if shocked by Nina’s jab, but quickly closed it. Surprisingly, she smiled at her, something actually warm and familiar to it. “Ricky is lucky to have a girlfriend like you.”

Nina’s stomach dropped. “I’m not his girlfriend,” she whispered, looking at her fidgeting fingers awkwardly. “We’re just friends.”

Lynne frowned. “Really? I was so sure…” Her voice trailed. “I’m sorry. I mean, with the way you acted, the way you looked at him, the way you spoke of him. You even came here to meet his mom. I just assumed.”

Nina’s heart was beating in her throat, but she looked back at Lynne with a straight smile, trying to muster confidence. “You assumed wrong.” Lynne grinned slightly, nodded, and left the house with Todd in hand. 

Nina sat there, in the middle of a house that wasn’t hers, feeling her heartbeat everywhere on her body, and couldn’t help thinking Lynne was right. 

She was Ricky’s girlfriend.

__________

Nina lingered on the chair for a long time, trying to make sense of the whirlwind of thoughts fighting in her head. In the end, though, there seemed to be only one winning feeling, something all consuming. _Run._

Nina was Ricky’s girlfriend. She acted like it, looked at him like it, spoke of him like it, even felt her heart beat for him like it. But Ricky was not her boyfriend. 

And, God, was it tearing her apart to stare at the truth. She had tried for months now to come to terms with her feelings and friendship for Ricky. To divide the two, keep them in their own worlds, not give in to the tug of war on her heart. But as much as she had tried, she couldn’t help but face the truth now. Nina could not love Ricky and be his friend. 

It was too hard, too painful, too heartwrenching. She had to change things, had to cut him off, had to get over him. Nina knew without a doubt she couldn’t chase those feelings away if he kept looking at her like he did, with soft eyes and a wide grin tugging at the corner of his lips, his hands warm against her skin, his mouth speaking words teasing or reassuring that just made her fall faster. 

Nina had to get out. As much as it hurt her, or it’ll hurt him, she knew it was a momentary pain compared to the agony she would have to face for months, years, decades by his side. 

She was too used to him, felt him in her chest too deeply. She couldn't keep finding home around him because he would never feel the same. He would call her friend as he stabbed her in the heart, unknowing of all the ways he hurt her. She couldn't do this anymore, couldn't set herself up for torture every day.

Nina grabbed her phone and looked up flights from Chicago to Salt Lake City. Standing up, she had one thing to do.

Break up with Ricky Bowen.

__________

Nina found Ricky on the steps of the Art Institute of Chicago, just as she had expected. He was sitting there, looking almost calm. His eyes were puffy, but his tears were dried, his hands steady, his breathing even. Ricky seemed almost at peace. 

“I wondered if you would find me.” Ricky said when he saw her approaching, determination in her steps. Nina smiled, but didn’t sit down beside him. 

“I know you, Richard.” In truth, Nina had known he would come there because she knew he would want her to find him. She knew before she had even stepped out of the house that he would find himself in a place they both shared, somewhere where Nina could get to him. She shouldn’t know him this well because all the little knowledges tugged at her heart. 

“I’m sorry for making you witness that. I bet it was really awkward.” 

“It’s fine. I was kind of glad to see Lynne finally be put in her place.” Looking down at her feet, she kicked a small rock, trying to muster the courage she had once felt. Standing in front of him, she felt her conviction slip out of her by the seconds. Nina wanted to stay there, with him, but the idea of sitting beside him, holding his hand, made her heart ache. Never more than before, Nina wished Ricky loved her. “I think I should go.” 

Ricky frowned, confused. “Go where?”

“Salt Lake,” Nina whispered, her gaze still fixed on the point of her shoes. “Home.” 

“Why?” Confusion was still thick in his tone, but a trace of fear was there too.

Nina took a deep breath, looking up at him. His eyebrows were furrowed and he had a faint pout on his lips. “You don’t need me anymore. You confronted your mom and I think you two should figure some things out alone. There’s a plane soon and-”

Ricky sprung up. “Of course I need you!” Standing a step higher, he towered over her like a giant. She had to crack her neck up to look at him, so, instead, she lowered her gaze back to her feet.

“Don’t,” Nina whispered. _Don’t say things like that and not mean them in the way I want you to._

“I don’t understand what’s going on.” He spoke softly, ache in his voice.

Nina wrinkled her face, unsaid words prickling her throat. She bit her lip. She couldn’t do this. “I gotta go.” Nina spun around, sprinting down the stairs. But, just like he always seemed to do when she ran, Ricky grabbed her arm, turning back to him.

“What’s going on?” Ricky asked, his eyes searching hers for some kind of answer. 

“Nothing.” 

“It’s not nothing!”

She looked down on her arm. “Let me go.”

“Don’t run,” Ricky pleaded, his fingers loosening but still holding her. “Don’t go.”

Nina’s lips were shaking. God, she was so tired. “You can’t say things like that.”

“Like what?” He had no idea. 

Furious, Nina whipped her arm out of his grasp. He was so oblivious, so blind to the way he was hurting her. “You can’t do this to me,” she screamed, jaw clenched. “You’re fucking with my mind.” 

“I’m not doing anything.” Ricky defended, his voice rising. 

Nina scoffed, tears pricking her eyes. Still, anger fired her, loosening her tongue. “You’re so fucking blind, Ricky.”

“I don’t know what’s going on.”

“Exactly!” Nina cried. “You have no idea what’s going on and how much it’s hurting me. You keep saying these things and doing this stuff and it doesn’t mean anything to you but it means so much to me.” Nina’s fists clenched, her body shaking with rage. “I can’t do this anymore.” She didn’t even feel guilt when Ricky flinched. 

But Ricky was never one to let go without a fight. “Then you’re a fucking coward.” Nina opened her mouth, shocked. “What? You’re just gonna run? Because you can’t face whatever is going on? Because you can’t tell me so you just say these cryptic things and jump on a plane?”

"Yeah, I guess I am!"

Ricky shook his head viciously. "I'm not even surprised you're running away. Seems to be really in character after all." 

"Fuck you, Ricky," Nina spat. "You have no idea what's going on."

"Then tell me!"

“I need space!” Nina cried.

“I don’t want to give you space!” Ricky screamed back, arms wide. 

Nina let out a cruel laugh. “Of course because everything the great Ricky Bowen wants, he gets? God, you’re so fucking selfish sometimes. Can’t you pull your head out of your ass for once second and-” Ricky grabbed Nina’s face and crashed his lips against hers.

Nina froze for barely a second before instincts overtook her and she closed her eyes, kissing him back. She opened her mouth and welcomed him, lips fast, almost angry. It was a frantic sort of thing, filled with desperation and rage, filled with adoration and unsaid feelings. Her hands flied to frame his wrists, his hands still warming her cheeks, the touch the only thing proving to her it was real. She couldn't believe this was real. Could everything she had denied all these days been true after all? Their lips moved rapidly, not taking a second to catch their breaths before meeting each other again. Ricky tasted like himself, like the taste she had been trying so hard to both remember and forget, and the knowledge she was finally kissing Ricky Bowen lit her up. This felt like daydreams and fantasies, mind fabulations. Still, she took every chance she could get, kissing Ricky like he was her salvation. Hot and heavy, breaths panting, the tip of his fingers finding home in her hair as he let out a groan.

Slowly, Nina separated her lips from his, unwilling to move more than an inch away from him. She looked up at him through her eyelashes, dazed, but his eyes were still closed. If Nina let herself dream, he looked like he couldn’t believe this had happened at all too. She breathed out. “What was that?” She whispered. 

Ricky opened his eyes, a teasing smirk taking his face. “Who was oblivious again?” It was all true. Everything she had ever hoped for was actually true.

A laugh broke out of Nina’s lips and she was leaning it again, diving back into Ricky and his scent and his lips. He met her with a grin still lingering on his mouth, his hands moving down to her lower back, pulling him to her. Nina drew her arms behind his neck, her fingers finding the mess of his hair instinctively, racking the strands on the nape of his neck to hear the moan she knew he would do. She tugged him down to her further, until there was no space between them. He was everything and she wanted more. 

She could barely breathe, could barely exist. She forgot her name, forgot everything except Ricky and the euphoria in the pit of her stomach as their tongues met again and again. It was softer than before, slower, but with the same passion, same understanding, same connection that had always followed their friendship and seemed to continue on in their something more. 

Nina kissed him and she thought if she died now, it would be enough. She would have had everything she desired in life. Because Ricky was holding her, his hands warm on her back as he caressed her, his hair soft in the lines between her fingers, his lips warm and welcoming. Because he was doing all that and it meant something for both of them.

Her heart fluttered, a rush running straight from it to the rest of her limbs tingling with the sensation of Ricky’s warm fingersplaying her spine like a violon, a soft moan bretahing out of her lips against her will which he hurried to swallow. Her heart bloomed with the knowledge she could enjoy this moment, could live in the now, because she knew for a fact she would not have to engrave all the little things in her mind. She would not need to try and remember everything once it was done and over. She would get all the kisses with Ricky. All the time in the world. Nina’s heart was light blasting out of her chest. 

Nina tried moving away with him, but Ricky simply followed, his lips magnets to hers like they had been cursed to stay there forever. She giggled, twisting her head so she could be free, his mouth leaving wet kisses on her cheek and jaw. “I love you.” Nina didn’t tremble, didn’t falter, didn’t fear. It was the most obvious thing in the world. The most natural. 

Ricky stopped, coming back up to look at her with a dramatic pout. “I was gonna say it first.”

“I guess you can never stop losing, Richolas.” 

He gasped, a mischievous look passing in his eyes, and he used the hand just under her ribs to poke her, his fingers moving to tickle her. She bent in surprise, laughter roaring in her throat, trying to worm away. “What was that?” He teased.

“Stop!”

Ricky only ticked her harder, leaning his right ear to her. “I didn’t quite catch you.” 

Raising onto her tippy toes, Nina’s eyes fluttered and she kissed him again. He let go of her immediately and Nina was kind of glad for this new advantage she had discovered. Through meeting lips, Nina taunted quietly, “You’re a fucking loser.” 

“I love when you talk dirty to me.” Nina gasped, pushing his chest. Ricky bounced back, coming back to her as if he couldn’t live if they weren’t breathing the same air. She wrinkled her nose. “We’re gross. I bet everyone here hates us.”

“Let them,” Ricky whispered. His hands came back up to her cheeks, holding her face. “I love you, Nini. Like, embarrassingly a lot.” 

“I love you, too.”

Ricky smirked. “I know.”

Nina grinned, whispering. “Take me home, Ricky.” Ricky smiled back, grabbing her hand, and they walked hand in hand away from the Art Institute of Chicago and all its spectators.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WE FINALLY DID IT!! hope it was worth the very long wait yall. also don't hesitate to leave comments i thrive off attention

**Author's Note:**

> hi! if you want to follow me on twitter it’s @lottielotsoff


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